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Do that! They are awesome.
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I am all distracted by Mark today. He has been gone for five days! He is all brand new and stranger-ish to me!
I do like a cute stranger. Ahem.
So I need something easy today. When other people need an easy post? They turn to a meme.
I hate memes.
But a recent meme that has been going around intrigues me. The writer puts up a variety of statements about herself. All of the statements are false except one
The readers then try to guess which statement is true.
I hate memes. And you know I suck at following rules.
So today?
Statements which may or may not be true about me.
How well do you really know me?
I am curious.
Which of the following statements do you think are true?
1) When I was seventeen years old, my beauty skills were so sadly lacking? I was once taken aside by an elderly cook with whom I worked and given advice about how to apply make-up.
2) I recently had an on-line discussion with a male writer of erotica in which I objected to the fact that he uses the 2nd person point of view in his writing. I made my point thusly: “Tell me about the woman you fucked. Don’t behave as though I am that woman.”
3) While Mark was gone this past few days? I watched some crappy television, and was moved to ugly sobbing tears by a particularly poignant episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
4) I once got really drunk at a restaurant and discussed in way too loud a fashion recent sex that I had enjoyed. The friend dining with me? Laughed so hard she fell out of her chair and onto the restaurant floor. We were asked to leave. Plus also? There was applause, which I took to be celebration of my awesome story-telling abilities.
5) One time? I was dating this guy with whom I really wanted to have sex. And so I said, “I would really like to have sex tonight.” He agreed. And then he smoked a lot of pot and went to sleep, mumbling about how great the sex was going to be.
6) Mark has placed me on text-restriction, because I have proven myself to be immature and out of control where texting is concerned.
7) I once knew a guy who was studying to be a priest who slept with countless women, because (he said), he was building up a bank of memories. I made a deposit into that bank.
8) One of my daughters recently squeezed a clogged bottle of hair conditioner in my general direction, shooting white globby goo all over my hair, face, and shirt. I was not fully able to convey the reason for my hysterical giggling.
9) I am not a person who cares about famous people. But I did spend an entire semester teaching Introductory Psychology hoping that Tony Danza would show up to discuss with me his son’s progress in the class.
10) I have an older half sister I have never met who I believe reads this blog.
11) One time a long time ago? I accidentally flirted too much with a man at a party, took his number, and then called him before I sobered up. When he called me back? I pretended that I had a deeply troubled and foolish sister who had made that drunken late-night phone call. Wasn’t . . . even . . . me.
12) Someone who gives me shit about swearing and being inappropriate on this blog? Recently inadvertently included me on an email filled with photos of nudity and sex. That? Was a lovely moment.
So people?
What do you think?
Which are true?
And which are false?
How well do you know me?
See, I haven’t read your blog for long, and I haven’t delved into the archives yet.
But I so want all of it to be true.
That would be very cool.
I’m loving 4, 5, 7, 8 and 12.
Let them be true!
I am pretty sure that NONE of the true information in this post appears in my archives.
So you are at no disadvantage.
I like your guesses!
1,2,5,8, true? Maybe.
Maybe.
You’ll have to check back a little later to find out.
Hmmmm . . . let’s say 5:00 pm.
All will be revealed.
I’m not saying that number 4 is true….but I am seriously hoping it is.
Number 8-also hoping it is true.
If number 9 is true you should definitely call him now and commiserate over being teachers. And then blog about it. Hopefully with pictures….and also get me a picture of Taxi-era Judd Hirsch. Because that is how I roll.
Number 10. True.
Number 12, I’m guessing true.
OK, I am going to have a hard time waiting to tell you guys which of these are true.
I have little impulse control.
ACK!
Why didn’t I think this through?
ACK!
True: 1 2 4 5 7 9 10
False: 3 6 8 11 12
These are just guesses and I’m sure I’m wrong about all of them but I thought I would give it a shot.
Yay! Waiting to find out at 5 PST!
I love that you took a stand on each and every one.
Love that!
I might have to walk away from the computer before I start spilling the beans.
Like say, about the fact that #1?
Is true.
Mortifyingly and humiliatingly true.
Really.
AH! You dirty tricky trickster you!
I didn’t want to seem like a dumb ass, so I didn’t go with my gut, but my FUCKING ORIGINAL COMMENT was as follows:
If we are going off your “about” page, they would all have to be true (at least your version of the truth), am I right?
Oh, you so should have gone with your original comment!
You would have looked all geniusy!
Now?
Not so much.
Snort!
One of these aren’t true? Ummm… #1 and #3?
M
I wasn’t clear about how many are true and how many are false.
But I did already acknowledge (because I suck at secrets) that #1 . . . is true.
That was a bad day.
Sigh.
Oh that’s oh so harsh!!
M
He was right, though.
Which made it so much worse.
Sigh.
Ummm ps – I can pretty much see the hair conditioner one… I’d still be laughing.
M
pss- my son came home with a “worm” balloon… it didn’t LOOK like a worm it looked like a teeny tiny condom with a smile face on it. I stopped dead in the driveway, laughed my fool head off. It got worse when he asked me to blow it up… I was crying with laughter when I made it to the door.
Oh my god . . . the girls used to try to make animal balloons.
Everything turned into a worm.
With a face.
On one tip.
Smiling.
So much giggling.
I took a pic and sent it to a friend of mine to show him the pic – he snorted coffee as he hasn’t learned not to drink and look at pics I send either.
It was a good day… I laughed so hard I felt tired from it and made someone snort coffee on their desk.
M
I love a laughing fit like that!
And a day on which someone snorts coffee?
Awesome!
I don’t know you much at all, but from what I’ve read, I’m guessing ALL true. Which means you have just earned my undying, unflinching respect.
I did this once too. You showed me yours. Here’s mine: http://fragrantliar.blogspot.com/2009/05/pants-on-fire.html
Heh.
Hmmm . . . usually I edit out links in the comments.
I am feeling all lovely today, though.
Letting it stand.
Because you made a guess.
Even though it may not be correct.
Since you have the best past ever, I say they are all true…seriously, all of these are things I can picture happening to you.
How much do I love that you have such a lovely imagination?
So fucking much.
Well,not so much the best past…but definitely some good stories. Highly unusual ones, but good ones.
I guess it depends on how you define “best.”
Hee hee!
Here’s my guess…
True: 2, 7, 9, 10
I hate that I’m uncertain. I would have thought I’d have no problem here. Dammit.
Oh, babe.
I thought you knew me better than that.
Hee hee!
I want desperately to believe that all of these are true. But, in an abundance of caution, I am going to pick #6 as false and the rest as true.
But secretly, I’m hoping all are true. :)
Without addressing whether you are correct in any other respect?
I will tell you that #6?
Is embarrassingly true.
Coming back just to tell you that you are wicked.
You can’t throw this out there and then make us wait.
That’s just fucking cruel.
That’s all.
Be back at 5.
Dammit.
Snort!
I actually didn’t really think that part through . . . the reveal.
Not so much longer.
I have already shared the truth of a few items.
Ok, here’s the thing…
I’m not going to guess.
Why? Because I am wicked and evil.
No.
Shut up.
I’m totally not wicked and evil.
Regularly.
Because what I know about you, from reading your incredible words beyond how they make me laugh, beyond how they make me cry, beyond the vowels and the consonants and into the woman who picked exactly those words and put them in exactly that combination, is a lot about where your humor truly lies, what you find funny, what you might find embarrassing. I know a lot of where you are bold, I know a few places where you would not be, but you hide those better – at least online.
And I read all those, and I think that every single one of them could be true, because you have painted the lies (if there are any – my highest doubt rating is over the Kardashians and if it IS true, there will be smacking) so perfectly into the portrait of Pretty All True that If they are forgeries of Kris, then I can’t tell.
So if I truly try to guess, I will be here ALL FRIGGIN DAY, squinting and looking like a dork.
And I have hot dogs to cook.
PS – If # 3 is true, I really am gonna smack you.
PPS – Himself didn’t guess mine right either.
I am not saying anything.
And if there is to be smacking?
Keep that pussy to yourself.
Just saying.
People?
The dangerous pussy reference?
Check out Lori’s post today at http://inpursuitofmarthapoints.com/2010/10/27/the-assault/
Hee hee!
Yes, but Kris made the dangerous pussy joke!
Which, I believe, totally proves my point.
And wow, babe, thank you!
Trick question.
They are all true.
You trollop.
You think you’re so smart.
Maybe so.
Plus also?
Trollop?
Swoon.
You see?
I really am that smart.
You are very smart.
Dangerously so.
That’s why I like you so much.
And to that I say?
Thank you.
I think number 6 is false!
Yeah, what Lori said.
Snort!