They have reset the Top Mommy Blog counters again.
Stupid mommy blogging fuckers.
I hate starting again.
I hate having to ask you to vote for me again.
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
Shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Speaking of shit?
Yesterday stunk of it.
Yay! I am mistress of the segue!
OK, so first?
I have to reintroduce you to Jack, our stupid smaller dog. Jack is an escape artist, and he likes to squeeze through the small gaps beneath the fence that surrounds our large back yard. We could have found a way to make the gaps smaller, but instead?
We decided to make the dog larger.
So he wears a purple plastic collar when he goes out into our back yard.
Jack in his back-yard outfit.
He doesn’t mind.
So yesterday? I look out the back window and I see purple-collared Jack energetically rolling himself about in the back yard. This is a very bad sign, as it generally means he has found cat shit. Why he wants to cover himself in cat shit, I have no idea.
Terriers are stupid that way.
So I am all fucking annoyed, as this means I will have to scrape cat shit off of him and then bathe a small, boisterous, and horrifically stinky dog.
Again.
I call him to the back door and look down at him. He does not appear to be messy. I rub my hand over his body, and he’s fine.
Huh.
I guess he was just rolling around for no good reason.
And so I reach down with both hands to pull his collar off of his head so that he can come in the house.
And I come away with both of my hands plastered with cat shit.
He did roll in cat shit. But he only managed to roll his collar in it.
It is as though he has rolled a pizza crust of cat shit that is stuck to a large plastic rolling pin.
And then he rolled in the dirt and the grass so that the shit got covered with debris. Disguising the smell until I broke the seal . . . with my fingers.
Ugh.
So I hurl the collar out onto the back-yard deck. I will deal with that in a minute.
And I turn to grab some wipes to clean the shit from my hands.
And Jack bolts past me and into the back yard.
To escape?
No.
To throw himself joyfully onto the collar of shit and roll on it.
Well, that’s just fucking great.
Let’s just do a little rundown of what we have so far . . .
Top Mommy Blog Shit.
Cat shit on my hands.
Cat shit on the purple collar.
Cat shit on the smaller stupid dog.
And cat shit on the deck.
Yay!
So with shit-covered hands, I grab the shit-covered dog and I shake him really fucking hard.
Not to kill him. To shake loose the larger pieces of shit that cling to his fur.
This pisses Jack off, and he tries to bite me.
At which point he realizes that my arm has cat shit on it.
And so he licks me instead.
Yum.
Seriously, at this point? I almost barf.
So I throw Jack in the laundry room and grab the hose.
I hose off my hands, my arm, and the deck.
And then I gingerly grab the plastic collar and hose it off.
Cat shit is sticky, people.
A lot of water is required to do this job, and by the time I am done?
I have made a disgusting large puddle of cat-shit soup in the back-yard dirt.
OK, so now the dog needs a bath.
I open the laundry room door, and Jack streaks past me.
To escape?
No.
To splash and roll and cavort in the cat-shit soup.
I just stare incredulously.
OK, let’s run it down. I’ve got . . .
Top Mommy Blog shit.
Clothing splattered with shitty water.
Shit beneath my fingernails.
And a dog drenched in cat-shit muddy soup.
Yay!
I grab Jack by the nape of his disgusting little neck and I hurl him into the garage.
I scrub my hands and change my clothes.
Jack moans sadly from the garage. Stupid dog.
So I start a bath in which to wash him. He gets all hypothermia shivery if the water is too cold, so I make it nice and warm.
Carefully carry the shitty dog to the bath.
Put him in.
Make a note, people.
If you place a shit-covered dog in warm water?
Actual aromatic cat-shit soup.
Gag.
About a million gallons of shampoo later?
He’s all cute and fluffy.
And he smells good.
And then I had to clean and bleach the fucking bathtub.
Start a load of shit-covered laundry.
And I was back to square one.
With the Top Mommy Blog Shit.
Look at me with the fucking segues!
I am back to square one.
Stupid fucking Top Mommy Blog reset.
Shit.
Could you vote for Pretty All True, please?
Shit.
I hate begging.
Shit.
Love you.
And thank you.
Give me a yard full of Sweet Merciful Crap and you’ve got a party…Stinky, soupy cat shit? a whole other story – how’s that for a segue? ;) Can’t help you with the dog problem, nor would I want to, but can help you with the Top Mommy Blog..on my way there now!
Thanks, you!
I appreciate the vote.
I do love my segues . . .
Speaking of which . . .
I need another cup of coffee.
Snort!
Oh I feel your pain, although I’ve never experienced this with cat shit. Our dog Guinness broke his leg when he was a puppy, so he still wasn’t crate trained. At least three times a week I would come home to a poopy crate with a poopy dog with a poop covered cast.
One day in particular I came home and just burst into tears.
But now I can look back at it and laugh. Not in a that-was-really-hysterical kind of a way, but in a that-dog-is-lucky-we-paid-to-get-his-leg-fixed kind of way.
I hope your Tuesday is relatively poop-free.
Yes, I have had the crate of shit experience.
Our smaller dog is crate-trained, right up until he is not.
And once he has shit in the crate? He fucking rolls in it just to punish me for my too-long absence.
I kid you not.
It’s like a nightmare.
So I am not usually gone that long.
The dog has trained me well.
Sigh.
Lmao Omg there was so much truckers mouth in this I almost thought I wrote it! Lol to funny in a so NOT funny kind of way obviously. & ok… I’ll vote but only cuz ya said fuck nicely….
I always say fuck nicely.
Always.
And thank you.
Very fucking much.
I’m not sure if I voted or not. I clicked on your link though and then I rated your site on the other site. Good luck and have a crap-free day!
Thanks, you!
If you got to the list and you had the ability to rate my blog?
You voted.
Thank you.
Well shit.
Exactly.
Shit.
Plus also?
Fuck.
And?
Because I am the sort of person to pair those two words on Google (just for research), guess what?
Shit plus fuck equals a sexual shitstorm of hideous Googly proportions.
Really.
I will not look. I will not look. I will not look.
Ok.
I looked. Holy Mother of Christ.
I know.
It’s way bad.
Way . . . bad.
Shit. I’m going to so google that when I get home.
Snort!
Definitely not safe for work.
Not even.
Seriously, I am laying on the floor hyperventilating. Your misery is my joy (snort). Then I got up to type this and read Ms. Aim: “I’ll vote but only cuz ya said fuck nicely….”
Once again, on the floor in hysterics.
That my misery is your joy?
That’s pretty much what this whole blogging thing revolves around!
Yay!
Stupid fucking neighbor cat.
Sigh.
Oh…My…God!
Fiance and I are all gaspy and wheezing and choking with laughter!
I voted for you, ’cause I loves ya.
Off to clean the coffee off my monitor…
Snort!!
You are gaspy and wheezing and choking with laughter!
Well, shit!
My work here is done.
Love you, babe.
Ok. I voted.
I feel like in this sort of weird way, I have voted for shit.
Which is disturbing, but hey, we all know I’ve done weirder.
Also, retro-50′s cartoon mommy avatars with giant smiles and microscopic waists really freak me out.
Thank you for not doing that.
Happy sighs of pathetic begging.
That you have voted for shit?
I am all warm and fuzzy inside.
And some of those mommy avatars?
Freak me out as well.
Ack!
this is why we will never have a dog. Do I hate dogs? of course not. Other people’s dogs are really cute. Reading stories about said dogs rolling in cat shit and all that went with it? hilarious!
Plus, I did my time with shit clean up with kids. wait…what? oh yea, sometimes I still do clean up shit because the boy? he doesn’t think shit is gross and doesn’t mind it. sigh. boys are weird. And it’sa good thing he is freakin’ adorable.
oh and I will vote for you.
Ack!
Your boy is weird!
I am glad I have girls. Girls are less disgusting.
Although Kallan did have that booger collection on her wall (I am so not kidding).
That was all kinds of fucked up.
And thank you for the vote!
Your morning sounds eventful! My dogs usually find something dead to roll in. In which case, I do not bathe them because I can’t stand the smell. Instead I leave them outside and pray that God thinks they smell bad enough to give them a bath and makes it rain. After they get a rain bath I give them a real one.
My morning has been all calm and shit.
This happened yesterday.
And rain baths?
Not going to cut it.
My Labrador? She enjoys rolling in dead stuff as well. But she will also put up with a back yard bath of hose water and soap.
My Labrador is an actual dog.
Not like Jack . . . who I believe is some sort of alien devil-spawn sent to fuck with me.
But oh my god, is he cute.
That’s how the alien-devils work, by the way.
They lure you in with cuteness, and then?
They move in for the kill.
While you’re elbow deep in cat shit, I am elbow deep in sorting 1500 MilkCaps for the local school. I am covered in and breathing in dried milk slivers of debris.
Living the dream..
Of course I’ll go vote, but that resetting stuff? Sucks.
Snort!
Living the dream never looks quite as you expected, does it?
Dried milk slivers of debris.
Love that.
And the resets?
Are annoying, but not the most annoying thing in my life.
Or even my morning.
I will deal.
Thank you, love.
I always laugh when you are describing your dog, because my oldest’s name is Jack. ;-)
And cat shit in your backyard? Well, that’s enough right there to kill the cat. Seriously. I hate cats. Probably stems from being attacked by one as a small child…but still, cats suck.
My idiot super dog, Zoey (a boxer), once shit in her cage and flung it around. When we got home, there was shit all over the walls and ceiling. Yes, she’s an gold medal shit flinger. Grr.
I like cats, but Mark and I have had very bad experiences with the cats we have owned.
Very bad.
And yes . . . my smaller stupid dog has flung poo.
Like a fucking monkey.
What the hell?
Annoying.
You’re #1 in humor again!
Hee hee!
Not for long.
But it is lovely while it lasts.
There is a “humor” blogger who gives shit away.
She will top me.
And yes, those are air quotes around the word humor.
I read her blog once when she overtook you before. Once.
Yes, I stopped by as well.
I was all, “Who is this chick who is funnier than I am?”
I was there just the one time.
Once.
Poor Jack! He just gets the distribution of cat shit just right & you go & mess up his work. Jeez. Thoughtless much?
My dad has to keep their cat box elevated so their pug does not go rooting for “snacks.” I don’t get dogs sometimes. >.<
PS – of course I voted.
Thanks, you.
Very much.
Yes, we used to have cats.
And their litter box always had to be secreted away from our dog.
How is cat shit that tasty?
Or such a cause of rolling smearing ecstasy?
I do not understand dogs.
holy shit that is so funny I peed.
cat shit soup??
dogs are so disgusting.
I am trying to mask my huge laughter while at my desk and coincidentally? it sounds like snorting…
Holy shit!
You are snorting?
That is awesome.
Yay!
Plus also?
Snort!
I know I tell you everyday but…
LOVE
and that guest post yesterday.
Amazing.
Crying yesterday, hysterically laughing today.
you are a roller coaster
I do like to mix it up.
I like some highs with my lows.
Some tears with my happy.
Some pleasure with my pain.
What?
yep.
hurt me
in that case.
#1!!!
I know!
For just a moment here?
I am #1!
Yay!