People?
Something I have not been able to bring myself to say before now.
Some of you may have noticed this news on the left hand side of my blog.
But I have not been able to bring myself to actually post this news.
Here it is . . .
Pretty All True is available for download on the Kindle.
I totally hired a hand model, in case you were wondering.
Ack.
That just feels so stupid to announce.
Yay! Guess what, people? The free shit that you like so much for free? You can buy that free shit now! How fucking awesome is that?
Yes, you heard me! The free shit is now for sale!
Yes, so step right up and buy . . . the free shit . . . ummm . . . because everyone knows that free shit is way cooler when it . . . costs . . . money.
Ahem.
OK, if you could only see Mark in the background waving his hands at me in frustration.
He is all annoyed, “No, no, no! Do not tell them they would have to be idiots to buy the free shit. What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you want to sell any Kindle subscriptions?”
“OK, well what do you suggest I say?”
“Tell them about how convenient it is.”
People! Getting Pretty All True on your Kindle is all fucking convenient!
“Tell them they can read their Kindle on a bus or on a train.”
I snort, “You are all Dr. Seuss over there! Should I also tell them about how they can read their Kindle in the sun or in the rain? And anyway, babe . . . people can so already read Pretty All True on a bus or a train. You know that, right?”
Mark is all serious, “OK, but the Kindle doesn’t rely on continuing internet access. Once they download Pretty All True, they have the blog to read even if there is no signal.”
People! You will be able to read Pretty All True even if you are stuck in a public transportation tunnel!
Unless the lights go out, because you can’t actually read a Kindle in the dark. So bring a flashlight.
Mark has more, “Tell them they will have Kindle access to archives.”
People! You will have access to archives! That is all kinds of awesome because I never let you just roam around my archives for free whenever you feel like it.
Wait . . . I so fucking do.
“Hey, Mark? How is that a selling point, exactly?”
Mark is annoyed with my sad marketing skills, “Just tell them about the archives. And tell them it will be a clutter-free version . . . no shit on the sides of the blog to distract them as they read.”
People! If you have ADD, you will find that the Kindle version of Pretty All True has fewer distractions!
I turn to Mark, “Are you saying my blog is all cluttery? That’s annoying, babe. You’re the one who put most of that shit in those sidebars.”
He dismisses me, “No, your blog looks great. But people like to hear about less clutter. Tell them about how it will be less cluttered.”
“I already did that. Should I also tell them the part about how Kindle does not clutter up the reading of Pretty All True with access to the comments after each post?”
“No, don’t say that! People love your comment section. Don’t point out they will lose that. Why are you being so annoying?”
People! If you never comment and are annoyed by my smart-ass responses to the comments of others, then the Kindle version is for you because you will never be aware of the comment section!
Mark leans over my shoulder and reads what I have written.
He sighs, “Why are you so averse to the idea of making some money?”
“Sweetie, I just don’t see how anyone is going to buy a subscription to Pretty All True on the Kindle. Who would do that? Someone without a computer or an iPhone. And guess what? Every fucking person to whom I am now speaking? Has a computer or an iPhone and they are getting this shit for free.”
People! A Kindle subscription to Pretty All True is the perfect Christmas gift for your Luddite friends who do not have access to computers or fancy cell phones, but who do happen to own a Kindle!
Snort!
Mark is pissed, “Do you not even know what marketing is? What is the point of doing this if you are just going to make fun of it?”
Ahem.
“Babe, I know what marketing is, but this feels stupid.”
Hmmmmm.
People! Totally serious here. Could you please do the job of telling the people who do not read Pretty All True because it has not been available on Kindle that it is now available on Kindle?
And that it only costs $1.99 a month?
And that I am awesome?
And that Pretty All True is awesome?
And that $1.99 a month is not too much to pay for all of this awesome?
And people? When you speak to your Kindle-ish friends?
Leave out the part about how you are reading it for free.
Shhhhhh.
The free stuff is now for sale!
Yay!
Also? Check out my amazon link!
And read my reviews!
I am totally going to have sex with the three readers who have thus far left me awesome reviews.
Bill. Nichole. Roxane.
Yup. Fucking them all.
Turns out I am all whorish for praise.
I may also fuck a man named Ian, but he won’t know of this lovely possibility because he has ADD and stopped reading this post 800 words ago.
Once he gets the uncluttered Kindle version, though?
Ian will be less distracted.
And he will be mine.
Yum.
The marketer in me is cringing (OK, please don’t tell anyone I’m in marketing. It was an accident. I swear.)
But I am laughing my ass off at Mark’s frustration. It is going to get me in trouble at work. I’m supposed to be doing rates. But you’re way more fun than overhead and profit spreadsheets. Way more.
YOU WORK IN MARKETING?
I will so keep that secret.
This is the only way I felt comfortable announcing the Kindle thing.
Mark is all distraught.
Snort!
I was laughing so hard at my desk. Silent “Oh my God, SHE IS CRAZY” laughs as people walk by and point at me.
The best part? That you totally called Ian out. But the second best part…the one where I totally snorted for real…”People! A Kindle subscription to Pretty All True is the perfect Christmas gift for your Luddite friends who do not have access to computers or fancy cell phones, but who do happen to own a Kindle!”
Please tell me Mark ended up laughing at this??
I am a bit crazy.
I am pretty sure I have mentioned this fact before.
And I do love Ian, even though one time?
He asked me for Cliff Notes on Pretty All True.
Snort!
And Mark was annoyed until he read the published post . . .
And then he laughed.
Hee hee!
Who’s this Ian you speak of? Thanks for the big letters. Helps me read faster.
Swoon!
You are here and you have commented!
Serious swooning.
Yeah. I am back. Back again. I need to check your box so I get notified of such comments. Was it good for you?
It is always good for me, babe.
Always.
I saw that. I love it, in fact. Except that I already read you here and sometimes on my phone and we are Twitter friends…and really, I love to comment. Also, I never look at my Kindle, because my almost nine year old is convinced it is hers. I named it and then suddenly it was hers. Not sure how that happened.
And babe? You are not really nine year old friendly reading.
However, I think it’s super freaking cool that you can be downloaded. Or your words. Shit. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!
Ummm . . . no.
I am not child-friendly here on Pretty All True.
Well, I am child-friendly.
But I do not offer child-friendly reading.
Oh, and guess what?
Mark tells me that the newer Kindles have a feature which will read the story aloud to you!
That thought?
Of Kindle reading my inappropriate words out loud to lazy-ass fans?
That is making me giggle hysterically.
Dam it. Now I want a new Kindle that does that. hahahaha
Truth is, my kids don’t know I blog. So downloading a blog, even if they’d not read it would open a can of worms that I’m not willing to touch.
ps. that Notify me box, just made my day. If it was there for the past month….well I’m slow. But YAY! Thank you.
I am all giggly as I imagine some of my more spectacular posts being read out loud by Kindle.
Happy sighs at the thought.
And the “Notify Me” thing is brand new! Mark did that.
Love that man.
You know. Since I regurly read on an iPod, on which I have installed Kindle, and I often try to relate your posts, this may actually work for me.
This has much potential. You could be starting an entirely new trend.
But? We’ll see. I’m very penny pinchy. Although, each post would really be less than a penny. Hmmm.
Also? I will need to divide that $1.99 by the number of giggles and outright laughs your posts have brought me. And try to project the laughters of those I would show. And sighs of swoon. And tears of I get it.
Oh what the hell. I’m in!
Your math skills trouble me, babe.
If you pay $1.99 for 30 posts?
That works out to just a teeny bit more than a penny a post.
Snort!
Still fucking worth it, if you ask me.
Hee hee!
Ok, so maybe a bit more than a penny. But I pinch all money and the occasional butt.
Of course this could explain a number of other algebraic issues I’ve had.
But, I know the giggles, swoons and tears are all very worth it.
Hee hee!
If only pinching butts meant that I had saved some money!
I am way better at pinching butts than pinching pennies.
Mark is frowning.
Hee hee!
Ok. Now? I’m all pissy.
“periodicals not available for kindle for the iPhone at this time”.
How fucking lame is that?
That is way fucking lame.
Seriously?
How about this? You buy me a Kindle, I’ll subscribe. And here’s the kicker: I’ll stop leaving annoying fucking comments wherein I swear a whole fucking lot and ramble on incessantly with trivial boring shit but saying absolutely nothing until Ian gives up on the comments, too!
Hmmm . . . I have limited marketing skills.
But I am able to grasp the idea that investing $139.00 in each reader who agrees to pay $1.99 a month to read my blog (a big chunk of which will then be taken by the lovely folks at Amazon) . . .
Well, that’s just not going to work out at all.
I will be all homeless, living under a bridge.
In a makeshift shelter crafted from the boxes in which all of my friends’ Kindles arrived.
Snort!
Surely there’s a discount for a bulk Kindle order. Which will serendipitously generate a bigger place to live. And if you can also score a refrigerator box, babe, you will have a fucking mansion!
I have always wanted a mansion designated solely for fucking.
A fucking mansion . . . swoon!
Homeless may be the way to go after all!
Yay!!!! I win! Me and Bill and Nichole! But seriously?!? Yay for me!
Kris, you know that this right here is going to sell all fucking kinds of subscriptions, right? I want to subscribe and I don’t even own a damn Kindle.
You’re maaagic.
I know!
I am a penniless marketing genius!
Sigh.
No one’s going to buy the silly thing.
But I do like to giggle.
Plus also?
Your review?
Thank you so much for that, babe.
So very much.
You are more than welcome. Seriously. I meant every word.
I meant that very very literally. This post will most likely sell more subscriptions than you would have gotten without it. I really want a Kindle now just so I can get it. I’m all throwing my money at you and stuff.
I will keep you posted on my Kindle sales.
For the time being and the foreseeable future? I am at zero subscriptions.
Snort!
And I appreciate your kind review more than I can say.
It made me cry, lovely you.
Free shit for sale?
SOLD!!!!
I know, right?
I am going to be a zillionaire!
If I subscribe?
Who throws in the Kindle?
And?
I didn’t have to type in my stuff up there.
Can I kiss you?
When I am a zallionaire?
I will be throwing Kindles at all of my friends.
For now?
Not so much.
As for the filling-in magic?
Mark did that!
Plus also?
You can now check a box to get an email notice that I have responded to your comment!
Mark is all awesome!
You should marry that Mark guy!
I totally should.
I await your zillionairage with bated breath.
And that Mark is swell.
My breath is somewhat less than bated as I await my zillionairage . . .
Snort!
But Mark is swell.
And he occasionally leaves me all breathless.
Love that.
Babe – your craziness with your other half has totally made my monday. Free stuff for sale! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I love it!
M
Mark is lovely and all kinds of grown-up.
Me?
Not so much.
Snort!
See, as long as there’s one in the house it’s okay!! That way you can be the creative, eclectic one…
Voila! You already are!! See how well that works?!?!
M
We are a good pair.
And if Mark was like me?
He would drive me insane.
Snort!
In everything you wrote in bold I heard Billy Mays.
And Kindle is the devil.
That is all.
Billy Mays is dead, you know.
You are hearing dead people.
Possibly, Billy Mays is speaking to you from hell . . . what with your ability to so clearly identify the Devil.
Snort!
I’ve clearly identified a lot of Devils, actually. Like Spongebob, and the last girl who cut my hair.
And cheesecake.
It’s more of a Devil League.
And if Kindle wasn’t all evil, I would totally subscribe. I am forever in a tunnel with nothing to do.
A Devil League?
Hee hee!
And your last line?
I am forever in a tunnel with nothing to do.
Dr. Freud would have a fucking field day with those words, Missy!
Snort!
Let me just say – when I saw your title I was all…OH MY GOD! PLEASE TELL ME SHE ISN’T DOING GIVEAWAYS AND CONTESTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So..phew. I should have known better.
Don’t have a kindle and I’m not planning to get one — but because I love your blog so, can I just send you $24? I’m all generous and shit which is why I rounded the $1.99 up.
Oooooh . . .
You can so send me $24.00!
That would be awesome!
Silly you.
And I cannot believe you thought for even one second I was doing a giveaway.
The only thing I give away are my words and my thoughts and my opinions.
That shit’s all free.
Unless you are on Kindle, and then there is a small charge.
Snort!
I want to go out and get a useless Kindle just to buy your subscription, just cause you’re THAT awesome. But if i meet any 60+ ppl with Kindle’s (by the way the only ppl who own them, ppl get Ipads lol) i’ll pass it along. Give Mark a pat on the back for me and say “nice job” as his additions to your post were hilarious! Also i like your clutter, cause its not cluttery… lol
Ummmm . . . Mark has a Kindle that I borrow sometimes.
I am soooo going to tell him that you called him old.
Snort!
Mark is fabulous and all Kindle-loving.
But I do want an iPad . . . those things look awesome.
Hmmmph.
Love you.
Mark just told me I can buy an iPad if I can pay for it in Kindle subscriptions.
Oh my god.
He makes me laugh so hard.
No shit I clicked that link Just Today! But. I would miss the comments.
Posted from my phone. Whilst in a tunnel
Damn it!
Shut up about your phone in a tunnel!
You are fucking with my livelihood here!
Snort!
I do not own a Kindle so I will not worry about buying something that I read for free anyway…
Another thing? I read ALL the comments before I even get down to posting my own, so by the time I am able to post my comment, I have forgotten what it was I wanted to say.
I know I could just jump right down to leaving my comment but then I feel like I am missing out…
Oh well, guess I have OCD!
:)
I know, right?
I need to get some business cards printed up so that I can pass them out to folks I see reading a Kindle.
OK, that would just be Mark.
SNORT!
Oh, he is not going to be pleased with that joke.
Hee hee!
HAHAHA! Please, please do that!
Can you imagine the look on a strangers face as you hand them a card asking them to purchase your blog on Kindle??
That would be PRICELESS!
A secret?
Mark actually had some business cards printed up for me, and I am all . . .
What the fuck, babe? What am I going to do with these?
Yay!
A plan!
Mark had a plan for you all along…
He knew!
He knew you would need them someday!
Hee Hee!
This is going to be awesome!
Now to just find some Kindle readers.
Hmmmm . . .
You will have to trick them!
MWAHAHAHAHAAA!
Oh, and by the way? Thank you for stopping by today and commenting on the elephant in the room!
;)
Snort!
Trick them?
That’s hilarious . . . Perhaps I can pretend to be one of those people who passes out cards at the airport.
They’ll feel all sorry for me, and then what’s this?
A blog?
Pretty All True?
I will so check that out!
That’s how it would go.
Pretty sure.
Snort!