I was eating cookies.
But now I have a sesame seed bagel. I love sesame seed bagels, but they are troublesome.
First bite . . . yum!
Second bite . . . yum!
Third bite . . . still good, but these sesame seed guys are suddenly reminding me of something.
Oh yeah! Remember that time when I had a cat that left little sesame seed things all over the house, and I was an idiot and thought perhaps I had a magic cat that somehow just created sesame seeds?
And I seriously didn’t give it that much thought, because I had other things going on in my life, and the magic of my cat’s ability to make tasty bagel toppings just did not rise to the level of demanding my immediate attention.
Until that one day I was sitting on the couch and watching TV and petting the magic cat.
You know that thing cats do where they lift their ass all the way in the air as you pet them?
Tail all high?
Who knew sesame seeds could crawl out of a cat’s ass?
So that was a good day.
Fuck . . . why do I buy sesame seed bagels?
Oh, speaking of spices!
The other day, Maj is helping me in the kitchen. I say helping, but she is not actually helping at all. She is in one of her weird giddy moods, and she is playing with the salt shaker. Pouring small amounts of salt into her palm and then throwing it over her shoulder for no fucking reason.
The dogs were cleaning up the spilled salt for a while, all hopeful Maj was throwing treats. Licking at the floor just in case.
They licked for a while, and then the dogs’ faces went all sad.
And then both dogs went to drink copious amounts of water. They are now both lying underfoot on the floor, all swollen-bellied and regretful. Salt is raining down on their fur from a manic salt-shakered Maj.
They don’t care, and they are pretty sure they are dying.
I step over the dogs and remove the salt shaker from Maj’s hand, “Sweetie, stop throwing salt everywhere.”
Maj dances and sings to the other side of the kitchen, “I will play with the pepper, then!”
“Maj, don’t throw pepper into the air. It makes me sneeze.”
Maj carefully shakes a small amount of pepper into her palm. I watch her with annoyance, as I am pretty sure she is going to throw it into the air just to piss me off.
She does not throw it into the air.
She brings her cupped hand to her face and she snorts the pepper up her nose.
What the fuck?
And she dances giddily about the kitchen, singing about how pepper doesn’t make her sneeze at all.
I just stare at her.
Maybe ten seconds pass.
And then the giddiness is done.
“Mother! My eyes hurt!”
“Yes, well . . . snorting pepper will do that to you.”
“Mother, do you not even care? My eyes hurt and my nose hurts and my throat too!”
“Maj, if you had taken just a second to say to me . . . Hey, Mom! I am thinking of snorting some black pepper up my nose! Good idea or not? . . . I so would have filled you in on the problems with this plan. But you did not ask me, and so now? In the future? You will be able to counsel others against just this sort of stupidity based on your own personal experience.”
Maj’s eyes are red and teary now, her nose all snorty with snot, “You don’t even care! I am maybe dying and you don’t even care! It hurts, Mother! Are you listening to me? It hurts!”
I hand her a glass of water and some tissues, “I do care, babe. You’re not going to die. You are not having one of your finer moments. But you are not going to die.”
She is livid with rage and red-faced with pepper trauma, “You don’t know that! I think I have to go to the hospital, Mother! I think this is an emergency! I think I have to see a doctor!”
“Nope, you’ll be fine.”
She is hopping up and down now, so fucking angry, “What if I die, Mother? What will you say then? Hmm . . . My daughter asked to see a doctor, but I said no, because I did not even care.”
“Nope. I will say . . . I did all that I could, but in the end? My daughter was addicted to spice.”
Maj giggles and wipes at her eyes. Blows her nose. Drinks some water.
Giggles again, “Addicted to spice . . . sometimes you are funny, Mother.”
“Thank you, babe.”
Kallan walks into the room and stares at her sister, “What happened to you? Are you crying? And why are the dogs so fat?”
Maj is all giddy again, “I snorted pepper and it was horrible! And the dogs are addicted to salt!”
Kallan is intrigued, “You snorted pepper on purpose?”
“Yes! It was horrible!”
Kallan turns to me, “Can I have some pepper?”
Back to this morning.
Eating a sesame-seed bagel.
Seeds have fallen onto the desk and into my lap.
Pretty sure I have a tapeworm.