I was eating cookies.
But now I have a sesame seed bagel. I love sesame seed bagels, but they are troublesome.
First bite . . . yum!
Second bite . . . yum!
Third bite . . . still good, but these sesame seed guys are suddenly reminding me of something.
Hmmmm.
Oh yeah! Remember that time when I had a cat that left little sesame seed things all over the house, and I was an idiot and thought perhaps I had a magic cat that somehow just created sesame seeds?
And I seriously didn’t give it that much thought, because I had other things going on in my life, and the magic of my cat’s ability to make tasty bagel toppings just did not rise to the level of demanding my immediate attention.
Until that one day I was sitting on the couch and watching TV and petting the magic cat.
You know that thing cats do where they lift their ass all the way in the air as you pet them?
Tail all high?
Yeah.
Who knew sesame seeds could crawl out of a cat’s ass?
So that was a good day.
Fuck . . . why do I buy sesame seed bagels?
Oh, speaking of spices!
The other day, Maj is helping me in the kitchen. I say helping, but she is not actually helping at all. She is in one of her weird giddy moods, and she is playing with the salt shaker. Pouring small amounts of salt into her palm and then throwing it over her shoulder for no fucking reason.
The dogs were cleaning up the spilled salt for a while, all hopeful Maj was throwing treats. Licking at the floor just in case.
They licked for a while, and then the dogs’ faces went all sad.
And then both dogs went to drink copious amounts of water. They are now both lying underfoot on the floor, all swollen-bellied and regretful. Salt is raining down on their fur from a manic salt-shakered Maj.
They don’t care, and they are pretty sure they are dying.
Snort!
I step over the dogs and remove the salt shaker from Maj’s hand, “Sweetie, stop throwing salt everywhere.”
Maj dances and sings to the other side of the kitchen, “I will play with the pepper, then!”
“Maj, don’t throw pepper into the air. It makes me sneeze.”
Maj carefully shakes a small amount of pepper into her palm. I watch her with annoyance, as I am pretty sure she is going to throw it into the air just to piss me off.
She does not throw it into the air.
Instead?
She brings her cupped hand to her face and she snorts the pepper up her nose.
What the fuck?
And she dances giddily about the kitchen, singing about how pepper doesn’t make her sneeze at all.
I just stare at her.
Maybe ten seconds pass.
And then the giddiness is done.
“Mother! My eyes hurt!”
“Yes, well . . . snorting pepper will do that to you.”
“Mother, do you not even care? My eyes hurt and my nose hurts and my throat too!”
Sigh.
“Maj, if you had taken just a second to say to me . . . Hey, Mom! I am thinking of snorting some black pepper up my nose! Good idea or not? . . . I so would have filled you in on the problems with this plan. But you did not ask me, and so now? In the future? You will be able to counsel others against just this sort of stupidity based on your own personal experience.”
Maj’s eyes are red and teary now, her nose all snorty with snot, “You don’t even care! I am maybe dying and you don’t even care! It hurts, Mother! Are you listening to me? It hurts!”
I hand her a glass of water and some tissues, “I do care, babe. You’re not going to die. You are not having one of your finer moments. But you are not going to die.”
She is livid with rage and red-faced with pepper trauma, “You don’t know that! I think I have to go to the hospital, Mother! I think this is an emergency! I think I have to see a doctor!”
“Nope, you’ll be fine.”
She is hopping up and down now, so fucking angry, “What if I die, Mother? What will you say then? Hmm . . . My daughter asked to see a doctor, but I said no, because I did not even care.”
“Nope. I will say . . . I did all that I could, but in the end? My daughter was addicted to spice.”
Maj giggles and wipes at her eyes. Blows her nose. Drinks some water.
Giggles again, “Addicted to spice . . . sometimes you are funny, Mother.”
“Thank you, babe.”
Kallan walks into the room and stares at her sister, “What happened to you? Are you crying? And why are the dogs so fat?”
Maj is all giddy again, “I snorted pepper and it was horrible! And the dogs are addicted to salt!”
Kallan is intrigued, “You snorted pepper on purpose?”
“Yes! It was horrible!”
Kallan turns to me, “Can I have some pepper?”
Seriously?
Back to this morning.
Eating a sesame-seed bagel.
Seeds have fallen onto the desk and into my lap.
ACK!
Pretty sure I have a tapeworm.
“You are not having one of your finer moments.”
Perfect.
Who snorts pepper on a giddy whim?
Sigh.
Maj.
That’s who.
Maj is weird.
Love that girl, but she is weird.
“Perfect.
Who snorts pepper on a giddy whim?
Sigh.”
*sheepishly raises hand*
I did this once. It hurt so bad!! I felt the searing, wrong on so many levels pain. I eventually resorted to taking a tablespoon of water, tilting my head back, and pouring it down my nostrils.
It was lovely.
Very graceful.
Yes!
Maj recovered, but I was going to toss her in the shower if she did not.
Spray some water up her nose.
Like in Silkwood!
Hee hee!
i would have handed it to her just to laugh!!! and see if Maj would counsel her against it lol!!
Hee hee!
You are evil.
Kallan will try it out at some point.
I know Kallan.
Ouch. At least it wasn’t cayenne pepper (speaking from my own accidental experience).
So? Did Kallan get her turn?
Good lord . . . thank god she didn’t snort cayenne pepper.
And Kallan has not yet snorted pepper.
But she will.
Definitely.
Sometimes you have to learn the hard way. Or maybe that’s just me. Heeheeeeee!
Glad that Maj survived the pepper snorting.
In the appropriate situation?
Learning the hard way is the only way to go.
Ahem.
My daughter, who is now 9, experiments in the kitchen with “soup”. A bouillon cube as a starter in a saucepan with some hot water and then she adds various and sundry stuff from the spice drawer to see what it tastes like as she heats it on the stove. She has learned that hearing the phrase, “What the HELL is that SMELL?” signifies the end of the experiment. I’m very thankful the only chemicals she has access to are edible. This is the same little girl who fixed a remote control car that only turned left and a coffee maker that stopped making coffee. I’ve already had her sign over all future patent rights to me.
Our cats never had sesame seeds come out of their asses but we have been privileged to behold the emergence of white threads from that orifice.
Kallan has made that soup!
Many times.
But she has no ability to fix my remote-controlled car.
Damn it.
We no longer have a cat. Our cats all went bad.
No more cats.
Ick.
It starts with the pepper, you know.
Then it’s thyme.
Then cumin.
It’s all downhill from there.
Cumin?
Hee hee!
I know how it’s pronounced, but I like my version better.
Snort!
That was not a laughing snort, by the way.
Mmmm . . . Cumin.
I learned from experience that horseradish? Stuffed up ones nose? Does NOT help to clear ones congested sinuses.
Who told you that it would???
I bet it was your sister.
Snort!
I am ashamed to admit this but I was a full grown adult with two children of my own and it was completely my idea. BUT! The idea to eat a sleeve of saltines washed down with warm salt water and then jump up and down vigourously as a cure for nausea? Totally the ex-husband’s.
You are a goofball!
And your husband?
Also a goofball.
You are well matched.
Hee hee!
I can’t get past the sesame seed/tape worm part. I’m about to die over here. Thankfully, I have never been privy to the loveliness that is tapeworms. therefore, I had NO IDEA that the “dried up bits” look just like sesame seeds.
I think that’s enough learning for today. I’m shutting my brain off.
I used to home-school, you know.
My daughters are filled with all sorts of wisdom like this.
Hee hee!
They are all kinds of lucky.
As long as you didn’t put the sesame seeds from the cat on your food, I’m okay with this story & will still eat sesame seed bagels.
The peppper
Ok phone is being annoying.
The pepper snorting was hilarious. Hopefully Maj will not try snorting anything else :)
Let us know when Kallan tries it :)
As for your continued consumption of sesame seed bagels?
Let me just advise that you not eat said bagel as you Google “Cat . . . Tapeworm . . . Sesame seed”
Bad news for bagel eating, let me tell you.
And if (and when) Kallan snorts pepper?
I will be sure to let you know.
It will be soon.
Pretty sure.
I want to hang out in your kitchen. The way you handled that is just priceless.
Thank you, babe.
I am not a good cook, but I do have some useful skills.
Sometimes.
Pepper…the gateway drug. Next it will be chili powder.
Hee hee!
You and Nigel are on the same page.
Gateway spices . . .
Hee hee!
It was on a sister-dare that my little sister found out that vanilla does NOT taste as good as it smells.
We used to make something like “soup” but it went into a shot glass & we made each other drink it.
However, there was no mother in the room to either stop us or laugh at us afterward!
Things my only son will miss out on…
But I did laugh when he licked the 9 volt battery.
snorted even!
Oh, I remember drinking vanilla!
Know what else I thought was going to taste lovely?
Caro Dark Corn Syrup.
Not so much.
But man . . . did it smell good!
And your son licked a 9-volt battery?
Oh, I would have laughed so hard!
My older brothers used to ask me to lick 9 volt batteries to see if they were “still good”. I cringe thinking about it.
ACK!
Worst thing was, it was dear old Dad who put the idea into his own son’s head!
His excuse was that “he has to learn sometime”
I still am not sure why this was an important lesson.
But I’m still having a hard time sticking to my own rules that include *swear words should be learned on the playground, not at home* so how can I keep track of where he’s supposed to learn not to lick batteries?
Bwahahahaha!
Daddy did this?
Oh, that is priceless!
Mark would so do that to our daughters.
Just hasn’t occurred to him yet.
I do this. My kids do this. How else can you tell if they’re good? Plus, I just stayed with the 9 volts. Never did get on to the heavy stuff like car batteries and wall sockets.
Ummmm . . .
You use the voltage tester?
Yes, we have one of those.
Mark is all gadgety over here.
Plus also?
Car batteries?
Snort!
I love this.
For every spice, turn, turn, turn…
there is an orafice.
agh…snort
OK, I am giggling hysterically!
Tell me about these match-ups, please.
Snort!
aww…you already know where to put the cumin..
Happy giggling.
Yup.
I’m all set with the cumin.
Hee hee!
Well, that wormy stuff is just pukey.
Just so you know, making homemade crab boil with copious amounts of black pepper, boiled to create steam, will give all of the air in the vicinity the quality of liberally applied Pepper Spray. I received this bliss when my son was about 4 months old and I was to be the recipient of a well-meaning “I’ll make dinner for you.” Egad! I was coughing and streaming tears & sweet babe was screaming them, too. 45F and all the windows & doors were open, once I figured out the cause. The cook vehemently disagreed until the air cleared and the problem abated. Last experiment of that type, thankfully.
Good opportunity to talk about why some women carry pepper spray containers in their purses. Your Maj knows a wee bit about how the Bad Guy feels.
More shitty than pukey.
Snort!
And I did talk to Maj about pepper spray!
Kallan wants some for Christmas.
Hee hee!
Also?
One time I was working in a kitchen and I poured a pan of hot jalapeno juice into a sink. The steam rose up into my face and I breathed it in deeply.
I thought I was going to die.
The way the cook saw the light was by my insistence of the up-close, head in pot inhaling of steam. Score! Evil weepy WIN. Bwahahaha!
Just so I’m clear . . .
You won by putting your head in the pot?
Or by insisting the chef put his head in the pot?
Either way is funny.
One way is more funny.
Hee hee!
I am going to regret this I know. But dried up tapeworms look like sesame seeds? How. . .?
I knew someone would ask!
OK, so this giant tapeworm parasite attaches to the intestinal walls of the cat. Yay! Holding on all tight as the length of its body flows back and toward the anal opening. Little bits of the tapeworm break off, but are still moving functioning parts of the whole. I know! So disgusting!
And those little broken off bits wiggle out the anal opening.
They look like small wiggly white grains of rice.
And as they dry and die?
They look like toasted sesame seeds.
Really.
Hee hee!