Last night, I am answering some emails and fucking around on my computer. Mark is in the next room watching television, but as he does not invite me to join him? I assume he is watching something he knows I will mock and disparage.
Like one of those shows where they auction off old cars. And the entire fucking show is about how they auction off old cars. Seriously. And Mark watches all happily and gets completely invested in whether a particular car’s reserve price will be met. Seriously.
Anyway. When Mark watches one of these auction shows? He gets all moony and nostalgic about a car he used to own when he was like 17 years old. I have been with Mark for 24 years, and he has talked about this fabulous car he used to own maybe 37 million times.
Even so? If you were to hold a gun to my head and ask me what sort of car my husband used to own whose memory makes him all dreamy and nostalgic?
I would not even be able to tell you. It was green, I think. With a stripe. Maybe.
OK, so that is what I assume Mark is watching in the other room as I fuck around on my computer.
But then I hear a narrator’s voice saying this . . .
And now? Human saliva is no longer necessary.
My ears get all perky. No way Mark is watching a car show.
I listen intently for a minute, but I don’t hear anything else. What fabulous show is Mark watching in which human saliva was at one point required, but is now no longer necessary?
You know where my mind leaps, right?
I am all hopeful that there is sex of some sort involved.
Weird for there to be a narrator, though.
So I yell into the other room, “Babe? Did I just hear them say that human saliva is no longer necessary?”
Mark laughs, “Yes, come and see! It’s awesome!”
OK, people?
Yay!
I walk into the other room, all filled with hopeful curiosity.
It was like a nightmare.
Mark is watching a show called Brew Masters. On this particular episode, they are making a beer called Chicha. Chicha is made with corn.
And the thing that makes Chicha all awesome? Is that the fermentation of the corn is sped up by the application of human saliva. I am not even kidding you.
Chicha is saliva-fermented corn beer.
And so as I walk into the room and look at the television?
I am met with the vision of a roomful of people all chewing dried corn and then spitting the chewed corn into a large common bucket.
The sound of someone spitting? Totally creeps me out.
OK, so no way Mark and I are having sex now.
One time? A long time ago.
Mark and I were watching an X-rated movie, and in the middle of a sex scene between a man and a woman, the man suddenly and noisily spit . . . into . . . his . . . hand.
And then . . . you know.
I got all shrieky with horror, “Did he just spit into his hand?”
And then he spit into his hand again.
And again.
And then, as I was screaming in disgust and running from the room (Mark could not find the remote control to pause the horror), the man on the screen spit again. Noisily.
And not into his hand.
People? No sex was had that night.
Back to last night, and the people noisily chewing and spitting corn and giving me bad-porn flashbacks.
Mark is all, “This scene is almost done. Don’t be such a baby.”
And then there is a commercial break.
And then the show returns. The chicha beer is brewed and ready! Time for tasting!
Ack! Shared-spit beer?
No fucking way!
And then they go to extreme close-up as person after person drinks the beer.
From small clear glasses, through which you can appreciate the obvious silty clouded quality of the beer.
I almost barf.
These people are drinking spit.
Plus also?
Beer has foam on it . . . the head.
White bubbly spitty head.
I may never drink beer again.
I may never have sex again.
Stupid Discovery Channel.
That is disturbing on so many levels… At what point does someone think adding spit to something that will be consumed by someone else is a good idea? and how did everyone else get on board with that idea? blech!
Ugh.
I know, right?
I did not watch enough of the show to see how it was that they removed the possible contamination of germs and viruses.
Would fermentation kill that stuff?
ACK!
Nothing, NOTHING, grosses me out more than spit. Blood? Poop? Puke? No problem, but spit will have me running gagging out of the room. Ew.
Yes.
Me too.
And when I am walking along and someone near me spits onto the ground?
I want to smack that person.
Hard.
I also feel the same way about spit. I lived in China for a year during college and no shit people spit EVERYWHERE. I almost threw up and passed out once when some old man hocked the nastiest loogie ever in the middle of the restaurant we were in and spit on the floor near me. So. Disgusting. Srsly.
Not even.
I once kicked someone out of my car for spitting repeatedly out of the open window.
Seriously.
If there comes an occasion where you have to use the tag “white bubbly spitty head” again, I will be impressed. Probably also horrified and disgusted, as I can’t imagine anything pleasant involving something being spitty, (especially a head of any sort) but still impressed.
OK, well now?
You have challenged me.
I can so make this happen.
yes!
I was secretly hoping you would take that on as a challenge!!
Can’t wait to see what you come up with ;)
Bwhahahaha!
That is my evil genius laugh, by the way.
I saw the teasers gor that show. Did. Not. Watch. Ewww
Yes, I could have used a warning.
Ewwww.
I almost threw up just reading this post.
For the sake of the continuation of the species, it is not not not okay that show ever be shown again.
Ever.
On a separate note, I was also quite disappointed at the next room discovery – this story could have had an awesome ending.
Disgusting beer just ruins everything.
Mark thought the show was delightful.
He is a freak.
And I was so hoping for a happy ending.
Sigh.
It was not to be.
In one fell swoop, you have managed to ruin both beer and sex.
Well played.
Here’s my thinking . . .
Both were ruined for me.
And I like to share.
And so now both are ruined for oyu.
I feel much better now.
Snort!
I don’t do spit. It makes me all gaggy. I’m now all gaggy from reading this.
Also? If anyone spit on “me” prior to sex? There would be no sex. And that guy would probably be dumped.
On the upshot? At least now I won’t eat that cookie I was considering.
…actually, yes I will…but I won’t enjoy it as much!
Stupid spit beer.
There is nothing in this post that would deter me from a cookie.
Which is lovely, as cookies are all the fun I will be having until certain memories fade.
Stupid spit beer.
Plus also?
You just said that the guy would probably be dumped.
Probably?
Really?
I don’t often use absolutes. I like to be sure that I’m definite before I say I’m definite. This is because Hub is a “debater” and I don’t like leaving him inroads into my argument.
In this instance? I’m pretty sure the guy would be dumped; however, I’m too lazy to hypothesize scenarios in which he might not be dumped. I went as far as determining that fabulous wealth might buy him some time…but ultimately? Dumped.
Beyond this? I’m lazy.
See, I didn’t even think about the fabulous wealth possibility.
OK, so fabulously wealthy guy?
He gets to spit once.
And then I instruct him.
And then he never does that again.
Not ever.
thats as bad as that coffee that comes from a particular animals feces… aparently it makes it taste better after being digested by an animal… WTF?!!??
cat poop coffee
my last post
thing doesn’t really look like a cat though but w/e, people aren’t the brightest but cat poop coffee is easier to say than asian palm civet coffee!
Ewwww
I have heard of this coffee.
Ewwww.
Ok, anything that tastes BETTER after being digested by… well, anything, was definately NOT made for me! I mean, how BAD did this coffee have to be? And who thought “Hey, ya know what this coffee needs?”
Snort!
Exactly . . . This would be so much yummier if it was shit out by a civet first!
Snort!
ROFL!!! my question is who was the first person to sift threw the poop for their morning coffee… lol!!!
I am guessing the civets stole the coffee beans and ate them.
And then some caffeine-addicted person too lazy to head out for new beans?
Picked some coffee beans out of the civet poop and rinsed them off.
Good as new!
And then made some coffee . . . Hey! This shit is delicious!
Snort!
You have written 2 gag reflexy posts in a row! Yay you!
But seriously, I am gonna go ralph now.
Yesterday’s post was not gag-reflexy!
It so was not.
Some people are just big babies.
Snort!
I am obsessed with your tags. It’s a real addiction. And you?
Should win an award with this one:
“I will not be doing it like they do on The Discovery Channel.”
Brilliance. And an ingested snort from me while surreptitiously reading your post during my workday. I may have just given myself hiccups.
Also? Spit beer? Gag.
Snort!
I do love my tags.
Happy sighs that you read them and appreciate them.
Love that.
I. I don’t think I can discuss anything in this post paste the first paragraph. Nope. EWWWWWW.
Okay…safe, not making me vomit topic. There is a show I saw as a preview for a movie last week. (As an aside, why do movies have TV previews? It makes no sense to me.) Anyway, so it’s where you auction on storage units that no one has paid for. They auction that shit off. You get five minutes to look inside the storage unit, but you can’t touch anything or open anything. Then you bid on items.
I sorta want to watch it.
Mark so wants to watch that storage-unit auction show.
He so does.
That show? Is awesome, seriously!
Oh good lord.
Mark is going to have this show on the DVR by nightfall.
What is it called? Because I can’t remember. Also which network?
Sorry babe. I couldn’t help it. I had to come up with something better to talk about then SPIT IN BEER!
It’s called Auction Hunters.
On the SPIKE Network.
Maybe we don’t get that channel.
That would be lovely.
Hehehe, if you have cable, you have it.
Hmmmph.
In our family SPIKE is known as “that dumb man channel that my stepfather is obsessed with” (and yes we end in prepositions often). Srsly, all stupid man shows on that channel.
Ugh.
Maybe Mark won’t read these comments today.
You guys are all pussies. This is not big deal. REALLY!
Saliva during sex? Yes, of course! What about a good french kiss? Do you dry kiss? That would be far far worse! Saliva is a natural lubricant with many many purposes. (hee hee)
And used for it’s enzymes? Brilliant! Given the choice of no beer or spit beer? I pick spit beer every time!
Although i agree about that “hock a loogie” spit sound. Yeck.
OK, if you read my tags?
I clearly stated . . . I am not opposed to the use of saliva during sex but it should not be applied from a great distance
Bring on the saliva and the natural lubrication, babe.
But bring it right up to where it is needed. No sound effects or projectile-spitting required.
Ever.
And if my choice is spit-beer or no beer?
Suddenly, I am a wine drinker.
Snort!
I LOVE shows where they auction off old cars. CANNOT WAIT for the big one in January and I wish I could go and be there in person. It’s a Detroit thing I guess. You know, the motor city and all that. I remember lots of the cars we drove in high school but I can’t recall Mark’s. Green with a white stripe huh? Going to have to think about that.
And on the spit beer thing all I can say is WTF? Who drinks that shit?
Mark is not home at the moment. I will ask him later about the car.
He will get pissy, though.
And yes, because Mark grew up outside of Detroit?
He has a fondness for classic American cars.
He is not altogether pleased to be the owner of a Honda minivan.
Snort!
NO WAY does Mark watch those auction shows! My husband is OBSESSED! He is a maniac…he has literally owned every old muscle car EVER (then he sells them) and I just don’t get it. That’s hysterical! I also sit in front my computer room and play while he listens to Mecum or whatever the hell the other auctions are. BORING!
Love the spit story. Gross. I think while you were watching people swap spit we were watching that Animal Obsession show… the one where people have really sick and unhealthy relationships with chimps, bears, poisonous snakes, whatever. They always end up being eaten by their “beloved pet”. I have a morbid fascination with these people. Much more interesting than spit beer.
Mark dreams of owning muscle cars.
But his actual life (and wife) have gotten in the way of this dream.
And so he watches the auction shows.
Poor Mark.
And what is this Animal Obsession show of which you speak?
I will need to check that out!
So my husband has a 74 camaro that I’m pretty sure he’d choose over me and the kid if he had to. Not even joking. I won’t go near the thing because of his obsession with it. He treats it better than he does me and get this…he named it. Christine. Yeah, Christing is the other woman in our marriage. And the spitting thing? Nasty.
Snort!
This is why Mark will never have a 74 Camaro.
I do not need the competition.
And the spitting thing?
A deal-breaker.
Definitely.
isn’t christine the name of the demon-possessed car in a book by stephen king?
maybe that’s why he treats her so good?
Christine was the name of that demony car!
Good call, you!