We took the girls bowling yesterday.
I know. We are awesomely cool. Only cool people bowl.
Snort!
Anyway, the place is called Players, which so sounds like the name of a strip club to me.
I imagine a mustached man in a shiny suit standing in a graveled parking lot extolling the virtues of Players. Here’s the television commercial in my mind . . .
Come on down to Players to watch naked girls gyrate on elevated stages and twist around phallic poles for your amusement! In these troubled economic times? You will be pleasantly surprised at the variety of women we have managed to convince to strip for your ogling pleasure! Open 24 hours a day because the need for naked flesh is timeless.
You want to be a player? We can make you a player!
At Players!
Check out our weekday specials!
Monday . . . Nude karaoke!
Tuesday . . . All-you-can eat special!
Wednesday . . . Two can get in for the price of one!
Thursday . . . Play the slots!
Friday . . . Amateur night! (get in free if you bring an amateur)Come on down and play!
At Players!
Located at the corner of Highway 43 and Beaver Road.
See?
And before you think I am completely insane?
We used to take the girls to a bowling place in Northern California called Stars Recreation Center. Just Stars for short.
Up here in Oregon, about a ¼ mile from the bowling place called Players? There is a strip club called Stars.
Really.
So my mind gets confused. Stars used to be the name of a bowling place, but now Stars is filled with naked women. And Players is surely the name of a strip place somewhere here in Oregon, but this particular Players is less about naked and more about playing with balls.
Wait.
OK, so we went to Players.
A few notes about our experience at Players:
1) There were no naked women. I know! I was surprised too!
2) Bowling shoes are no more excellent than they were the last time I checked. Flat-soled with red and tan stripes and a huge Velcro-strapped closure. Strippers get way cooler shoes.
Strippers would suck at bowling, though.
Although how fun would naked fuck-me-pump bowling be?
To watch, people. I can’t walk in those shoes, much less bowl.
3) Two of the four people in our family are incredibly bad sports, and these two people are both shorter than I am. I finally had to take them aside and tell them that they could not continue bowling until they danced a happy dance for me.
Their grudging happy dance looked exactly like Steve Martin’s Wild and Crazy Guy moves. Exactly like that.
“We’re happy! Look at us! We are filled with joy!”
Snort!
4) We were assigned the farthest bowling lane in the place. No biggie, right? OK, except this lane was so close to a dark brick wall that you could touch the wall as you bowled. It was way distracting.
Both Mark and I were having trouble ignoring this over-close wall as we bowled. I didn’t realize the girls were even aware of the wall until Maj yelled out in frustration, “How am I supposed to bowl with my ball so close to the wall? All of our balls are right up against the wall! This is unacceptable!”
Snort!
That’s us. We are balls to the wall bowlers.
Snort!
5) Halfway through our bowling experience? One of the women bowling in the lane next to us decided she liked the bowling ball I was using. Sigh.
This annoyed me quite a bit. For no good reason, really. But it annoyed the crap out of me. I don’t want her stupid germy fingers sliding into the same holes in which my fingers are next going to slide.
See? It even sounds gross.
But I could not get all sassy and ball-claimy because I had just finished lecturing Maj and Kallan about being good sports. A good sport does not go all ape-shitty when someone else uses her (borrowed) bowling ball. So I was all mature.
On the outside.
On the inside, I was all fuming.
6) I should never bowl without drinking beer.
I don’t know what I was thinking.
Make a note, people.
To the extent bowling is fun? You will only be aware of the fun if you are drinking.
A lot like going to a strip club, actually.
Sober is not the way to be.
Ahem.
So we all sucked at bowling even though none of us was wearing stripper shoes.
And now we are heading back home. Mark pulls the minivan out of the parking lot and I see the Players sign one last time, and I think strip club again. In the slight distance I can the sign for Stars. Ooooh! Bowling! We should go there some time.
There’s a place in the middle called The Saddlery.
Really.
What the fuck goes on in there, you think?
Snort!
I once – honest to god – flung a bowling ball behind me.
So now for me, bowling is a spectator sport.
But it means I get lots of beer!
Also, stripping? Totally a spectator sport.
Cause I would totally put someone’s eye out.
And I don’t have that kind of insurance.
But aren’t you the one who once told me of your tassling skill?
That was you, wasn’t it?
Pretty sure.
I think I would quite enjoy a regular Monday night outing to the Bowling Alley Strip Club for nude karaoke.
We should so make a date!
How would that not be all kinds of fun?
Swoon!
Dave wants to put a stripper pole in our bedroom. I have to limber up just to shave my legs without getting a cramp.
A stripper pole in the bedroom?
I am dying at the thought.
Oh my god.
Dying.
When I lived in NYC they had drunk bowling. It started at midnight…that’s pretty much the only FUN way to bowl. Bumpers in the lanes make for better bowling with kids. I have four poor sports in my family…only I don’t give a shit! I always thought my oldest would grow up and be a pole dancer. Alas, it hasn’t worked out as she’s not coordinated enough. Instead, we’ve sent her off to college. Unfortunately, she’s home on break now. Maybe we will go bowling as a family tonight? Nahhh…maybe not.
The girls had bumpers for their bowling.
Kallan tries to bowl like a regular person.
Maj uses the bumpers to her advantage . . . bump, bump, bump, bump . . . it’s hysterical. Maj’s ball hits the bumpers maybe 6 times on its way down the lane. Snort!
And drunk bowling?
The only way to go.
It turns out.
You’d think going balls to the walls in Players would include naked women. That’s disappointing.
Bowling with a 3 year old is super fun!
However bowling when 8 months pregnant is not all that unlike bowling in fuck-me-pumps.
You went bowling when you were eight months pregnant?
Snort!
What the hell were you thinking?
Who has brain cells left at 8 months pregnant?
Besides, my feet were so swollen and gross bowling shoes were the most comfortable thing I’d put on my feet in months.
I thought bowling shoes were comfortable!!
See ZERO brain cells.
OK, here in the secrecy of my comments?
I will share with you that I generally wear gym shoes. Because I am just that stylish.
And it is entirely possible that in my bowling shoes yesterday?
I was a more fashionable person than I am most days.
Really.
Plus?
They ARE comfy!
Snort!
I’m still stuck on Nude Karaoke! like Seriously. And beer is as essential to bowling as the balls.
To completely change the subject, my soon-to-arrive new iPhone has a free kindle app. Does that mean I can subscribe to you on my iPhone? I would pay to read you only on the agreement that you would use MY subscription fees exclusively to purchase Total Domination, preferably at Costco.
Which makes me wonder. . . what kind of tub of Cool Whip could you get at Costco?
Does Costco sell Cool Whip? I don’t think so. We would so have a garbage can-sized container of Cool Whip if it did.
And sadly?
Amazon is currently not offering blogs on the iPhone version of Kindle.
Pretty sure.
Hmmmph.
But what is this Total Domination thing?
I am intrigued.
Total Domination is that local brew by Ninkasi, my favorite brewery. We talked about it a while back when you posted about the beer Mark got at Costco.
Oh, yeah!
Oops.
I forgot about that conversation!
Yes.
I will get that. You don’t even need to buy the free shit I am offering.
Snort!
naked karaoke? I am so there. those are two of my favorite things!
also: I suck at bowling. SUCK. like, I think I bowled at 12 last time I went. serious. so if I am forced to bowl, beer is necessary. that way I think my suckiness is funny and I blame it on the beer. until the beer wears off and I just want to shoot someone for making me bowl.
also also: ew. you pick out your own ball. there is no switching. no just using someone else’s. ew.
Naked karaoke would be awesome!
In my imagination.
Ahem.
YOU BOWLED A 12????
How is that even possible?
As for the ball? I KNOW! Ball etiquette requires that you only bowl with the ball you have selected!
Who doesn’t know that?
Sigh.
Andygirl, You and I should totally bowl together. I’m so bad at bowling that every time I do, total strangers from other lanes come over offering to teach me. It’s so sad. If I break 50? I’m all impressed with myself.
OK, this is some sad sad bowling.
Seriously.
Snort!
yes! we’ll be sad and pathetic bowlers together! if I even hit pins, I do a victory dance.
Snort!
My daughter went to several bowling birthday parties last year. Trying to get a bunch of 5 year old girls to bumper bowl definitely requires beer. I keep saying we should go as a family, but after reading this post I’ll have to make sure we have a designated driver.
Also, I’m sure there’s somewhere in the country that has stripper bowling. We just have to find it.
I am off to Google “Stripper Bowling.”
Hold on.
Hmmm . . .
Apparently Stripper Bowling is an idea whose time has not yet come.
I want to officially request that any stripper-bowling or nude-karaoke excursions include me. Being “local” I am practically on the way to anywhere you would go.
Snort!
I will call you.
Just so you know, I was so about to “Like” you; but then I decided that I like keeping you all to myself :) Sorry, maybe later *shrug*
Snort!
You are all kinds of dysfunctional!
I love that!
Well then I guess we need to buy a bowling alley and create it? I think we’ll be millionaires. People will watch sexy women do ANYTHING. We could even have a web-cam and people could subscribe to a podcast. Right?
Snort!
Can you imagine?
People paying money to go on-line and watch naked women bowl?
You know what?
They so would.
We’re going to be rich!
I want to make your buttons, or even better magnets! I know that you are thinking that naked people can’t wear buttons, but they so could! See, I use these adhesive backed magnets for, well my magnets…. basically, naked people could wear an adhesive magnet, placed almost anywhere on their body, and then attach their magnet of choice.. it just might so work! snicker…
Ow ow ow ow!
I am imaging that these adhesive-backed buttons would hurt!
And now, I am envisioning a stripper covered with “Jyl of All Trade” buttons.
Removing them one at a time.
OK, seriously . . .
OW OW OW OW OW!!
NOT buttons… we’d sell the MAGNETS! We can save the buttons for your S&M nights… I’m sure you’d have those once in a while… smirk!
How would the strippers keep the magnets on their bodies?
Are they robot strippers?
That would work.
Snort!
Yes. Bowling requires beer. That’s the only time I drink beer. Pretty much. Always have beer for bowling.
And pregnant bowling? My daughter is due Dec 3rd. She bowls league with me. She plans on still bowling tuesday. Nov 30th.
Well . .
Your daughter is nuts.
No offense.
Snort!
Kris,
Google is here to serve.
Millions of listings for Nude Bowling.
But I shan’t go there.
I am too concerned about the North Koreans.
Report back.
Bill
Bill -
I will report back.
Obviously, I have research to do.
Kris
Kris,
And I note that a high school friend’s goal in life was to open a bar called Ed’s Titty City.
Which might have included bowling and jello.
Not sure if he ever achieved his dream or ended up in Congress.
Bill
Bill -
Ed’s Titty City?
With bowling and jello?
Snort!
I do love you.
Kris
Kris,
And wouldn’t the world be a better place? I mean, if Kim Jong-il and his son Kim Jong-un had spent more time bonding at Ed’s, would they feel the need to send missiles to South Korea? No, I think their minds would be on torpoedos. And hooker shoes. And piece. Er, Peace.
Bill
Snort!
Emailed you, babe.
You know, I am reasonably confident I could bowl in fuck-me shoes, so long as there were ankle straps.
It’s all about support.
Now, naked?
That could be a problem.
As I said, it’s all about support.
Really?
You could bowl in those shoes?
I would allow other kinds of support if you would be willing to demonstrate the fuck-me bowling.
And isn’t that an oxymoron?
Fuck-me bowling.
Snort!
You’re already drunk, putting your fingers in strange holes, bent over and rolling balls – to me, that says Fuck-Me Bowling.
You get me, babe.
Exactly!