The forecast called for possible snow today.
It hasn’t snowed even a single snowflake in our Lake Oswego neighborhood since we moved here, but the girls were hopeful.
They pulled out the sleds. Their coats. Their boots. Their mittens.
Waited.
It did not snow. It sprinkled light cold rain.
Hmmmm . . . maybe this rain would turn to snow at any moment.
So they went out into our front yard to await the frozen snowy wonderland.
Neighbor children came out to greet them. As a group, they turned their faces up into the rain to examine the sodden gray skies. They seemed to come to some sort of consensus.
And then they all stood out in our front yard waiting for the rain to turn to snow.
The rain continued to fall.
Hmmmm . . .
And then?
They made the best of it.
They took their sleds to the top of the small rain-slicked ivy-covered hill in our front yard, and they sledded down into the muddy ditch below.
About eight thousand times.
Screaming and laughing and soaking wet and filthy and cold and happy.
How much do I love my daughters?
They make my heart hurt.
After the sun has set and the ivy sledding has been called on account of darkness . . .
Kallan is listing for me all of the children who had been sledding. Listing them all in order by the size of their butts.
Smallest to largest
Not in a rude way, in case you were wondering.
She is just letting me know how they decided who got to sit where in the sleds. Smaller butts in the front. Bigger butts in the back.
Down the tiny ivy-covered rain-slicked hill. Wheeeeeeee!
Kallan stands in front of me, trying to suck the miniature marshmallows off of the top of her hot chocolate without burning herself on the drink itself. Explaining about the various butt sizes of her friends and neighbors and sister.
She starts to walk away, and then says casually, “If you’d been out there with your beast butt, you would have gotten to sit in the back of the sled every time.”
My beast butt?
What the hell?
I replay her words in my head . . . yeah, there’s no way that was a compliment.
“Hey, Kallan?”
She walks back to me, “What?”
“You saying I have a big butt?”
“Big enough to get the back of the sled every time. Yup. Why?”
Snort!
“OK, but as big as you think my butt is? It is not the best plan to tell your mother she has the butt of a beast.”
Kallan giggles and spits hot chocolate, “I did not say that! You are getting old and deaf, Mom! I did not say you had the butt of a beast.”
Hmmm . . . Kallan giggles as I stare at her.
“Pretty sure you did, babe. I was standing right here, and I heard you.”
She puts her drink down to more fully give herself over to her laughter, “I did not say that! I said you had an obese butt. I said if you came out with your obese butt, you would get to sit in the back of the sled every time.”
Oh.
Not beast butt.
Obese butt.
Yeah, that’s much better.
Snort!
I head up into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.
Pour myself a cup of coffee and turn to walk to the refrigerator for the creamer.
Mark comes racing from the living room and slides past me on slippery socked feet.
Snort!
He is an ice skater, apparently.
“The forecast calls for snow tomorrow, you know,” he says as he skate-slides back across the room.
I sip my coffee, “So I have heard.”
Kallan follows me into the living room, “When we get home from school tomorrow? If it’s not snowing, can Maj and I use the snow-cone maker?”
“Let me guess . . . you want to make snowballs.”
Her eyes widen at my genius, “Yes! How did you know?”
She runs off in search of the machine, and I yell after her, “My butt is not obese, by the way!”
“Whatever you say, Mom.”
I sip my coffee.
The forecast calls for snow.
At our house?
We have ivy-sledding and sock-skating and shaved-ice snowballs.
Plus also? One of us is extra booty-insulated against the cold.
Apparently.
Snort!
We are all kinds of prepared for winter!
Bring it on!
Obese butt.
Yep, way better.
I’m so glad she clarified that for you.
And it’s way cool to sit on the back of the sled I should know.
Sigh.
I know, right?
Obese is much better.
Snort!
Big Butt Sledder?
Google says you are so No. 1.
The rest of the searches for something humorous about big butts. Not so PG.
Bill
Snort!
You know I am going to go Google funny big butts now, right?
Yes, you know I am.
Oh my.
The internet is a crazy fucking place.
Yikes.
Beast butt sounds better to me :)
Yes . . . now that I know what she was actually saying?
I would prefer beast butt as well.
And just so you know?
My butt is not obese in any way, shape, or form.
But it is bigger than the butts attached to Kallan and her friends.
Snort!
And funny photos of big butts? Not so much times a million. Ewww.
Yeah.
Agreed.
Times a million.
Well, as the proud owner of a very beastly butt, I can tell you: put me on the back of a toboggan and watch it go. Wheee!
Snort. Happy sledding!
Silly you.
All moms are beastly-butted when the person doing the comparing is 9 years old.
Goofball Kallan.
I will keep you posted about the snow.
No way I’m sledding down the rain-slicked ivy into a muddy ditch.
Snort!
it may be beastly, but was it patient?
It was more patient than Kallan deserved for it to be.
Geez, Kallan talks about butts a lot.
Snort!
When I read what Kallan said to you, all I could think was, “Thank GOD Kallan cannot see MY butt!” Your “obese butt” is probably the size of one of my cheeks. Snicker!
It snowed here where I am in Western Washington. All day. It was lovely.
*walks off snortling about “obese butt”…still!*
Still no snow here.
The girls are all annoyed.
They are hopeful for a “Snow Day,” so that they do not have to go to school.
Apparently a Snow Day is called if there is any snow sticking to the ground.
Oregonians are babies about their snow.
Apparently.
I am so mad right now. I love the snow and for reasons I am not supposed to tell people, I do not get to go to the mountains and the snow. So? My only hope for snow? Is for it to snow in the valley. The problem? I am in the Midwest right for the holiday. I am so mad.
What?
What aren’t you supposed to tell people about why you can’t go into the mountains?
You know what I am thinking, right?
Yeah . . . that.
Well it is just for this year so if you think I am wanted for some sexy ultra secret crime or something, you would be wrong. :)
Nope.
I was not thinking crime.
And I was thinking this was a temporary sort of issue.
Then you are probably right. :)
Awwww . . .
Congratulations, you!
That is awesome.
I will be all secrety.
Shhhhh.
I will tell no one.
I most definitely have a beast butt. My kids are nice enough not to comment on its largeness though. They prefer to remind me how squishy it is. Can’t tell you how happy that makes me.
Also? Been wanting to tell you that never ever have I in the history of commenting, written the letters ‘ell-oh-ell’ when I find something funny. Makes me cringe. But; ‘Snort!’ makes me laugh. Fucking love it. I would steal it but you’d come after me and sit on me or something.
My butt is not large!
It is not large unless you compare it to the butts of 9 year olds . . . and then it is enormous.
And I am proud to say that I have never said that I was laughing out loud but too fucking lazy to spell that shit out.
I sometimes have issues on Twitter (with its 140 character limits), because I do not use acronyms.
But snort?
I love snort!
Snort!
See?
Tell the girls to wear their pajamas inside out and backwards for a snow day.
I will so tell them!
But first?
We will need some snow.
No no no…..doing that will make the snow come …or at least the ice. You really only need a little ice for a snow day in the Portland area.
OK, shhhhhh.
I will not say a word.
Although I think it’s hilarious that school would shut down if it snowed.
People back in Michigan?
Laughing their beasty asses off right now.
We absolutely are!! My beasty ass is laughing hysterically at the thought of some snow sticking to the ground and school being canceled.
I know, right?
The West side of Michigan got MOUNTAINS of snow when I was growing up.
And almost every single day, the plows came through and then the school bus arrived.
We had few snow days.
A blizzard of epic proportions or massive power outtages.
That was it.
I remember as a child thinking how enormous my mom’s jeans and underwear were. I couldn’t imagine ever being that big.
Now I know she was actually incredibly thin.
Funny how our perspective changes as we get older.
Oh boy, I guess I’m in a deep mood tonight.
But I’m still giggling about beast butt. Hee!
Yes, Kallan is funny.
She is completely comfortable telling me in one breath that I am too short and too small to be a grown-up.
And then with the next breath telling me I have a beast butt, and I need to move to the back of the sled.
I love that girl.
She will be surprised at how much genetics plays a role in the butt she gets to sit on as an adult.
HA!
I love your posts! I (for real!) also have an obese, or beast butt! The following is a true conversation from my fabulous 5 yr old son:
Me, in my bathroom getting ready for my day (naked). 5 yr old walks in because I must know RIGHT NOW whatever is on his mind, it’s much to important to listen to the rules of don’t come in when I’m naked unless something is gushing blood. After telling me this big important thing (that I don’t remember), the following conversation takes place:
“Mom, why is your tummy so big”
Me, giving him the I may hurt you glare, “because you & your brother were moose-babies and came out of me”.
“Hmm (small beat of silence)…well, which one of us came out of your butt?”
Yeah, love my kid!!
That?
Is awesome.
The end.
I’m willing to bet you have an awesome butt. wait until Kallan gets older, she’ll see a little ass padding is juuuust what you want to have.
I also wished it would snow today. snow! please snow! this California girl wants some snow!
My butt is lovely.
My daughter is ridiculous.
And I do wish it would snow a little bit.
Just enough to admire and play in for an afternoon.
That’s all I want.
Anything more than that is just a pain.
yes! I don’t want to live in snow day after day. but occasional snow? delicious.
My kids like to come up behind me and punch my butt, especially in public. For a 4and 6 year old being at their eye level and definately on the large side it is to hard to resist.
Kallan used to hug my leg out in public and then suck on my pant leg.
I would end up with big wet spots.
When she got tall enough to be sucking my ass?
Had to call a halt to that nonsense.
Snort!
Oh, in OUR house anything “beast” is totally awesome. Yeah, so I’m so happy for you as I’m reading this, that your own children think you have a Beast Butt! It’s so beast (which is awesome). So then I almost spit wine when it was rephrased as “obese”…..god, don’t we love these little kiddos??!
Too funny…and glad you are prepared for winter!
If only “beast” meant awesome around here.
Maybe that’s something new I could start!
Yes!
Check out my beast butt!
Snort!