So let me set the stage
We made a 90 minute drive up to visit the snow. Arrived at about 11:30. Ate our packed lunch. Played in the snow for three hours. Piled in the car and pulled out of the snow-play parking lot at 3:00 pm.
We just walked in the door.
It’s 6:45 pm.
For those of you having trouble with the time math? That means it took us three hours and 45 minutes to make what should have been a 90 minute drive. Ugh.
Toward the end of this nightmare drive, the girls start going insane. I can’t really blame them, because I am also going insane. But while I am going insane quietly and in my head, the girls are getting louder and more obnoxious with each passing minute. I try to speak reasonably to them, but they ignore me.
And so then, in a big angry voice, I yell, “Ladies! Listen up! Shut your mouths and listen up! I need you guys to be quiet!”
There is quiet, and then Maj says, “Does that feel like an appropriate response, Mother?”
“Yes, it does, Maj. Yes, it does. You guys are making me angry.”
Maj is thoughtful, “Well, I guess if you acknowledge that you are angry that just makes all this yelling OK.”
Seriously, people? How Maj was not thrown from the vehicle at that moment, I do not even know.
She goes on, “Geez, Mo. No need to get all riled up. We’re just having fun back here.”
“OK, first of all? I told you not to call me Mo. That’s annoying. So unless you want me to start calling you Doh? Knock that off.”
Kallan is curious, “Doh?”
“Yes, Doh. As in Doh . . . that was so stupid. That kind of Doh. Short for daughter same as Mo is short for Mother. I’ll call the two of you Doh Number One and Doh Number Two.”
Kallan is delighted, “I call dibs on being Doh Number One!”
Snort!
I turn in my seat, “Ladies, I need you to calm down and be quiet. You are driving your father and me crazy. So I am instituting the Rule of Three.”
Kallan shrieks and screams.
“OK, that’s one.”
Kallan screams angry protest.
“Ok, that’s two.”
Kallan is suddenly calm and reasonable, “Exactly what happens when I get to three, anyway?”
“When you get to three, you go to bed a half hour early.”
Maj is incensed, “I hate this kind of punishment, Mother! This punishment is like a reward for you! Why do you get all happy about sending us to bed early, anyway?”
“OK, Maj. That’s one.”
Maj is even more pissed, “Why are you always trying to have all this time for yourself? Why do you need all of this time, Mother?”
“And that’s two.”
Maj brings her voice down, “It doesn’t even make sense. Why don’t you do a punishment that is actually something hateful, like making me get up early?”
“Because then I would have to get up with you, and I would hate that. I am not a big fan of punishments that include me.”
Kallan is all eager, “Hey! I would be happy to get up early and supervise Maj’s punishment! I love getting up early! We could make breakfast, take the dogs for a walk around the block. It would be a sister-bonding dream.”
Snort!
Maj is all annoyed, “I will not be a part of your sister-bonding dreams, Kallan.”
And so then of course, Kallan turns her plan into a little song . . .
We’ll get up early
We’ll take a walk.
Maybe even jog.
And there will beeeeeeeeeee sister bonding!
OK, so now I am giggling hysterically.
Maj is disgusted, “Is there anything you won’t laugh at, Mo?”
More giggling from me.
Kallan’s song grows louder and louder and louder, so I finally shush her, and I say, “Kallan, you are already at two. Stop the loud singing! Do you really want to earn a three?”
Maj leans forward all helpful, “A helpful bit of parenting advice, Mother. You are not supposed to give out warnings when you have already said what the rules are.”
She leans back in her seat, “Just get right to it, Mo.”
Annoying.
And so I say, “Maj?”
“Yes, Mother?”
“Now you are at three.”
And then Kallan and Mark and I laugh hysterically as Maj screams, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”
Snort!
Geez, that was a long drive.
I’m sure it’s annoying when you’re in the moment. But to an outside observer? Your girls are delightfully hilarious.
They are hilarious.
They drive me mad sometimes.
But they are way fucking funny.
I’m afraid I have to agree with Abigail. :> Hilarious!
I am so happy to be out of that car . . .
Words cannot express.
Sigh.
Wow am I really number 2. (so now I have to try harder.) that reference was better than the second thought that occurred to me.
Yeah….reminds me of when we were kids.
7 kids in a car for a long drive is always a little noisy. But fun.
Until Dad starts the ” guess the classical composer crap.
Not fun. And boring.
But I love your idea of punishment. And? Having Kallan supervise Maj’s punishment as bonding time? Yeah. Worth getting up early to watch.
*giggle*
I love your family. So funny.
Nope, #3. Darn that Whitney beat me to the punch. Or typing. :)
Yes, you just left too long a comment.
But I love your comment!
Your dad played “Guess the Classical Composer” on long drives?
That is so fucking awesome.
Mark and I often turn our music REALLY LOUD and sing obnoxiously.
The girls love that.
Snort!
Doh-nuts!
Yes!
I know, right?
Yes.
Doh-nuts.
It’s nice to know we weren’t the only family driven to insanity and elected mayors of crazy town by the kids this weekend. We were stuck, with no vehicle to transport the group of us anywhere with 3 little girls who have thoroughly had enough of the each other. Every single one of them were wretched little bitches all weekend. I hope your day trip home from the snow was the only part of your weekend that was like that. At one point I was sure mine was never going to stop.
We had six days of Maj and Kallan.
That is way too much Maj and Kallan.
Seriously.
Hahaha…you reap what you sow. Yeah, I lost control years ago. The fox is in charge of the henhouse around here. It’s sad actually.
Snort!
Yes . . . sad.
But then loads of fun to write down.
Loads of fun.
Oh, gawd.
I’m screwed when my kids can REALLY mouth back, huh? I think 5 is bad…
Just found you through Twitter! I’ll be back!
My children are fabulous and sassy and brilliant.
But in a car for an unexpected very slow trip?
Horrific.
Seriously.
she calls you Mo? that would make me crazy. on the other hand, Kallan wins all sorts of awards for knowing just how to piss off her sister. that one has talent.
This Mo thing is new.
I hate it.
And so of course it is staying for a while.
Sigh.
Maj knows how to piss me off.
Luckily I have Kallan.
Kallan is happy to annoy the hell out of Maj on a moment’s notice.
Snort!
Ah, those trapped in the car for hours due to crazy traffic trips. In the days when the boys would sleep the instant the car started moving? My husband and I actually enjoyed them. We would play music we liked quietly on the tape deck (yes, it’s THAT old a car) and actually talk to each other.
Trapped together in the front seat, neither of us could get to any other pressing things we had to take care of, so it gave us some of the largest chunks of intimate “us time” we had those days.
Now the buggers stay awake and Ethan asks waaaay too many questions for us to discuss anything fun or important with him in earshot.
The girls NEVER fall asleep in the car.
Never.
Usually, if we are headed on a long car-trip, it’s in the minivan. Which has a DVD player.
YAY!
But we were in our more snow-capable car today. And we were expecting it to be a 90 minute trip.
Sigh.
My god, woman. What the hell happened on that drive? I mean beyond the excellent hilarity of your daughters?
Also? I thought “Ma” was the most annoying maternal nickname, but as in all things, Maj has found something superior.
Ugh.
It was horrible.
Beyond horrible.
There was traffic and snow and accidents. And chain requirements and accidents. And traffic. And snow.
Horrible.
As for Mo?
Maj is always looking to outdo herself.
Yay, Maj.
Sigh.
between this, the itchy and scratchy show, and the lesson about bars/lunches/underware, drives w/ you guys are mind blowing! We do a 12 hour one to Michigan every summer. You guys are officially invited.
On a twelve-hour trip?
We would be in the minivan, and Kallan would watch 12 hours of movies.
Really. She gets manic and button-pushy in the car.
It’s horrific.
I’m so scared… because Maj sounds like my Temy in a few more years.
Yes, well . . .
Good luck with that.
Snort!
Just be happy it’s Mo and not Mut. I called my mom Mut all through high school.I read somewhere that the ancient Egyptian word for mother was Mut and thought it fit perfectly (you know how EVIL mothers of teenagers are).
Maj cracks me up and Kallan sounds like a peach! I love your girls.
I mentioned somewhere else that one of my brothers called my mother Mammy for quite a while.
That did not endear him to her.
Snort!
I tried to convince my son to call my mom Mut but he has picked DohDoh. I think I like it ever better, my 17 month old is pure genius!
DohDoh is perfection.
Teehehe!!
Silly you!
OMG. I can’t think of a better way to end the sass from the back seat than if it had been planned. Wait; just had a Maj thought. Since she was already going to bed early, did giving her the number three, up the comments for the rest of the ride?
Geez.
How well do you know Maj?
Yes, she was pretty much unstoppable after hitting number three.
As was Kallan.
A fun ride.