So let me set the stage
We made a 90 minute drive up to visit the snow. Arrived at about 11:30. Ate our packed lunch. Played in the snow for three hours. Piled in the car and pulled out of the snow-play parking lot at 3:00 pm.
We just walked in the door.
It’s 6:45 pm.
For those of you having trouble with the time math? That means it took us three hours and 45 minutes to make what should have been a 90 minute drive. Ugh.
Toward the end of this nightmare drive, the girls start going insane. I can’t really blame them, because I am also going insane. But while I am going insane quietly and in my head, the girls are getting louder and more obnoxious with each passing minute. I try to speak reasonably to them, but they ignore me.
And so then, in a big angry voice, I yell, “Ladies! Listen up! Shut your mouths and listen up! I need you guys to be quiet!”
There is quiet, and then Maj says, “Does that feel like an appropriate response, Mother?”
“Yes, it does, Maj. Yes, it does. You guys are making me angry.”
Maj is thoughtful, “Well, I guess if you acknowledge that you are angry that just makes all this yelling OK.”
Seriously, people? How Maj was not thrown from the vehicle at that moment, I do not even know.
She goes on, “Geez, Mo. No need to get all riled up. We’re just having fun back here.”
“OK, first of all? I told you not to call me Mo. That’s annoying. So unless you want me to start calling you Doh? Knock that off.”
Kallan is curious, “Doh?”
“Yes, Doh. As in Doh . . . that was so stupid. That kind of Doh. Short for daughter same as Mo is short for Mother. I’ll call the two of you Doh Number One and Doh Number Two.”
Kallan is delighted, “I call dibs on being Doh Number One!”
I turn in my seat, “Ladies, I need you to calm down and be quiet. You are driving your father and me crazy. So I am instituting the Rule of Three.”
Kallan shrieks and screams.
“OK, that’s one.”
Kallan screams angry protest.
“Ok, that’s two.”
Kallan is suddenly calm and reasonable, “Exactly what happens when I get to three, anyway?”
“When you get to three, you go to bed a half hour early.”
Maj is incensed, “I hate this kind of punishment, Mother! This punishment is like a reward for you! Why do you get all happy about sending us to bed early, anyway?”
“OK, Maj. That’s one.”
Maj is even more pissed, “Why are you always trying to have all this time for yourself? Why do you need all of this time, Mother?”
“And that’s two.”
Maj brings her voice down, “It doesn’t even make sense. Why don’t you do a punishment that is actually something hateful, like making me get up early?”
“Because then I would have to get up with you, and I would hate that. I am not a big fan of punishments that include me.”
Kallan is all eager, “Hey! I would be happy to get up early and supervise Maj’s punishment! I love getting up early! We could make breakfast, take the dogs for a walk around the block. It would be a sister-bonding dream.”
Maj is all annoyed, “I will not be a part of your sister-bonding dreams, Kallan.”
And so then of course, Kallan turns her plan into a little song . . .
We’ll get up early
We’ll take a walk.
Maybe even jog.
And there will beeeeeeeeeee sister bonding!
OK, so now I am giggling hysterically.
Maj is disgusted, “Is there anything you won’t laugh at, Mo?”
More giggling from me.
Kallan’s song grows louder and louder and louder, so I finally shush her, and I say, “Kallan, you are already at two. Stop the loud singing! Do you really want to earn a three?”
Maj leans forward all helpful, “A helpful bit of parenting advice, Mother. You are not supposed to give out warnings when you have already said what the rules are.”
She leans back in her seat, “Just get right to it, Mo.”
And so I say, “Maj?”
“Now you are at three.”
And then Kallan and Mark and I laugh hysterically as Maj screams, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”
Geez, that was a long drive.