OK, everybody is gone, right?
Pretty sure everyone is tired of looking for my post today, and so no one will read this.
Mark said I could publish this story as long as no one read it.
Snort!
OK, first?
A bit of background.
I am no longer allowed to text anyone.
I know! I am a fucking grown woman! What the fuck, right?
Sigh.
Plus also?
We buy condoms in bulk from Costco.
Costco . . . because we are Costco people.
And bulk . . . well . . . bulk is required.
Snort!
OK, so Mark comes home from Costco with The Trojan Pleasure Pack of condoms.
A variety pack! Four different kinds. Whatever . . . I am never able to tell the difference between one condom and another. Long as we are not having any more children? Don’t even care.
OK, so he buys these condoms.
I open the boxes to check out the variety. Toss them all out on the bed.
I notice immediately that one of the four types of condoms?
Appears to require a much larger package than the others.
Hmmmm . . . why would that be, you think? Interesting.
But it’s the night before Mark and the girls head out to Northern California, and we’re all busy getting everything organized, and we never get around to having sex.
It happens, people.
OK, so now it’s the following night. Mark and the girls are gone. Here all by myself. At my desk.
And my phone buzzes.
A text!
I remember the deep shit trouble I got into last time I texted with someone (ahem), and so I cautiously check to see who is texting me.
Hey, it’s Mark! Mark never texts me!
OK . . . M is for Mark and K is for Kris. If you are all kinds of new here? I am Kris.
M: I love you!
K: Hey! I am allowed to text people now?
M: Only me.
K: Bossy one! What if I have flirting needs of the texting sort?
M: OK, but only up to 200 max. per month.
K: I’ll need to flirt quickly, then! Right to the sexy stuff! Snort!
I am pretty sure Mark understood this part of the conversation to mean that I would be speedy sexy text-flirting with only him.
Shhhh . . . that is what I meant, people. Plus also? That’s how I got into trouble that other time of which we are not speaking. That and running up a little texting bill when I did not pay attention to our phone’s texting limits.
Ahem.
Moving on.
M: Great post today!
K: Thank you! I wasn’t sure you would get a chance to read it.
M: Of course I read it.
K: Why are you texting, anyway? You never text.
M: Hotel room. Girls are not sleeping. If I talk they will yell at me. Especially Maj.
K: Snort! OK, so tell me something flirty. All quiet. We are using up my 200 texts!
There is a long silence here. Mark and I have never ever texted one another, and I am curious about what he has to say next.
And then this . . .
M: We didn’t play with the big condoms yesterday.
K: OK, that has made me laugh right out loud! Like we were going to have “big boy” sex. Dying, babe.
M: You are a goof.
K: I will try to keep from playing with the condoms in your absence.
M: They’re padded, you know.
K: What??? Padded??
M: Instant mail enhancement!
I . . . am . . . dying. Mail enhancement?
M: Male!
K: Oh, babe. I am laughing so hard.
K: Are they really padded?
M: Why else would they be so big?
K: Oh my god. We need to text more often. You make me giggle.
M: I make you laugh at home.
K: I know that. You always make me laugh. Love that. Do you think they are really padded?
M: They would sell more if they were. Oh, but that would dull sensation. So maybe not.
I am quickly typing in my next brilliant thoughts, but Mark is faster.
M: Unless they are actually some sort of vibrating padded condom! That’s it!
K: Man. You beat me to that line.
M: File a patent! We’ll be rich!
K: Our prayers are answered!
M: Love you. I know you are going to open one of those packages now.
K: Duh.
How well does he know me, right? I am already halfway up the stairs.
K: Hold on a second.
M: VibraPlunger will make us rich!
K: I am dying! VibraPlunger?
M: It just came to me.
Tears in my eyes, people. VibraPlunger? Oh my god.
I rip open one of the largish condom wrappers. Ack! It’s all messy.
Hmmmm.
K: OK, guess what?
M: What?
K: The condom is regular size! The package lies!
M: That’s because it’s the size of the package that matters.
K: Oh my god. Are you always this witty?
M: Yes.
K: How have I not noticed this? I must get too caught up in your other features.
M: Again . . . the package.
K: Snort!
M: OK, I need to go to bed. Don’t have too much fun with that lubricated condom.
K: Speaking of that? My phone screen is all smeary. Annoying lube.
M: It’s not meant for phone sex, silly!
Hysterical giggling here. With giggle-weakened lube-smeared fingers, I type.
K: You are killing me, babe.
M: Good.
K: Go to bed, sexy you. Love you.
M: Love you, too. Night.
K: Night, babe.
M: And babe?
K: Yes?
M: I can see how these texts could get away from you.
Snort!
THIS is why I don’t have texting. Because I would totally go over the limit all the time. That, or I would not be able to avoid temptation of texting & driving and that’s just scary. I’m a bad enough driver already, yo.
There are texting plans without limits.
And I NEVER use my phone when I am driving.
But I cannot be trusted with texting.
Plus also?
I am all addictive and teenagery.
Apparently.
Snort!
That was great. Did you edit your texts at all?
Nope.
Although I did leave out a discussion unrelated to this post concerning the drive down to California and their soap-box racing plans.
But the portions I included?
Unedited.
You made my night. I am snorting away, husband is about to worry I’m having a seizure. I should have a hand signal that says “I am not having a seizure, I am just reading Kris and laughing so hard I’m hurting my solar plexus” with a simple flickery swirl of the fingers, or something.
OK, now I’ve got the hiccups. Hmmm, I was hoping for a sexier reaction. Sigh. How am I going to seduce my husband like this? A hiccupy mess. All your fault, babe, all your fault.
This conversation is still making me giggle.
VibraPlunger . . .
How I love that man.
Happy sighs.
I’m laughing so hard, I had to retype this three times!
I love you and Mark! You’re both awesome!
Snort!
Mark is re-reading this post as I type this and he is giggling hysterically.
He is awesome.
I am laughing so hard.
Love that.
OMG! I never knew lube was required for phone sex! Damn, I think I peed myself a little.
Too funny!
How did he get to make that joke?
I so should have seen that one coming.
Snort!
Too damn funny! And VibraPlunger??!!It screams, Ready for late night Ads!!!
I know!
30 minute info-mercial!
That’s not too long, right?
Snort!
You know what’s funny? Your tag- “We are a Costco family”— that’s what’s going to bring google searchers to this post. Didn’t you once say Mark wanted you to beef up your SEO skills? BEEF! Snort.
OK, you have made my night!
That someone might type in “We are a Costco family” and be sent to this post?
I am all ecstatic at the thought!
Mark will be all pleased at the beefing.
What?
Beefing. Giggle.
Hee hee!
horay validation!! you two have the funniest conversations!
Not all the time.
But we do have our moments.
We so fucking do.
I love us.
I am not a “laugh out loud” kind of gal. I chuckle, but usually quietly. When I watch tv with my husband- he is all rolling on the floor laughing while I quietly chuckle to myself. When I read your blog though? I laugh out loud. I think my husband suspects something. I tell him I am reading your blog again and he just shakes his head at me. He just doesn’t get it.
Not everyone gets me.
As long as you get me?
We are all good.
Happy happy sighs at the thought of your laughing.
Love that.
And that is why I have unlimited text.
And if Mark asks, I didn’t read a thing.
Mark tells me that . . .
I have the blog and Facebook and the phone and Twitter.
And that we are not paying for me to also have unlimited texting.
He has a point.
I do talk a lot.
Omg. I so want one of those VibraPlungers!
You guys are so funny.
And now I’m picturing people searching for Costco & getting this post. Lmao
Do you know how happy I am going to be if I get evidence that Costco shoppers are being directed my way?
Like a dream, that would be.
Costco should so sell VibraPlungers!
In bulk.
Snort!
Everyone is on their way to Costco, and you know that.
Also: I love that Mark now sees how easy it is to exceed the texting limit.
Cuz, it happens. Just.like.that.
It so does.
It sooooo does.
You already know how I feel about Costco, so I shouldn’t have to tell you that we bought the Pleasure Pack as well.
I have five words of caution:
The banana ones are nasty.
What . . . the . . . hell?
We have no flavors!
What did you buy, young lady?
Off to check the Costco website.
There are no banana flavored condoms!!!
What did you buy?
Honest to God, we had tropical condoms…
The smell? Gag.
So many kinds of wrong.
Oh, I see the problem now.
We bought the bigger pack.
They came in their own commemorative tin.
I’m not joking.
Ours was a pack of 40.
How many condoms did you buy???
And a commemorative tin?
I . . .am . . .dying.
I need a link to this wonder!
I stand corrected. We made a huge blunder and bought the Durex condoms.
Here’s the Costco link: http://bit.ly/diz6xK
Apparently, Trojan doesn’t have the market on pleasure. Just sayin’.
I am dying.
You bought fruit-flavored condoms.
Dying.
OMG. I totally just got scolded for going over my 200 also!! But to my defense, I didn’t know I had been switched from unlimited to 200.
I mean really, you need to get on that vibraplunge or whatever so you can afford unlimited texting and possibly offer to pay for my unlimited plan, too?
I totally thought 200 was a lot!
And then I used it in a like a day and a half.
And then I used a whole bunch more.
Ahem.
I have tears.
Happy, giggly, can’t see to type tears.
I absolutely LOVE to text. It is quite addicting. So addicting that I even got my Mom hooked on it! ;)
Love your tears!
Love that.
I have decided instead to be hooked on Twitter.
Also lovely.
But my mom is so not on Twitter.
I would block her ass.
Snort.
I so would.
Twitter is my new crack.
Twitter is almost like texting.
If my Mom was on twitter? She would most definitely be blocked!
Hee hee!
Twitter is like crack.
Happy sighs at being a crack whore.
Mom?
If you are reading?
Stay out of my business!