“Are you kidding me? This is not acceptable! Not acceptable!”
Kallan looks at her sister with wide innocent eyes as she finishes eating the last bits of a Pop-Tart, “Is there a problem, Maj?”
Maj is ranting and furious, “You ate the last Pop-Tart yesterday! We already had this fight! How are you eating another Pop-Tart this morning?”
Kallan takes a calm drink from her glass of milk, considers for a moment, “You must have just missed that we had another package. They were right there in the cupboard.”
“YOU ATE TWO OF THEM? YOU FOUND A PACKAGE OF TWO, AND YOU ATE BOTH OF THEM? YOU ARE LIKE A CRAZY PERSON! HELLO??? YOU HAVE A SISTER WHO WANTS ONE!”
Kallan is all serene, “I had no idea you wanted one, Maj. I always eat two when I can. Sorry you missed out.”
Maj turns to me, so angry she cannot even speak. She just flails her arms in the air to indicate the enormous nature of the breakfast travesty that has just occurred.
Sigh.
I watch as Kallan clears her breakfast dishes, “Hey, Kallan?”
“Yes, Mommy?”
I sip at my coffee, “No way there were more Pop-Tarts just sitting in the cupboard. No way. You guys had a huge fight yesterday morning about the fact that you ate the last Pop-Tart. Maj looked everywhere for another Pop-Tart.”
Kallan avoids my eyes.
I continue, “So it seems possible to me that you hid a package of Pop-Tarts to “find” this morning. Any thoughts on that?”
“THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED! PUNISH HER, MOTHER! PUNISH HER SEVERELY!”
Snort!
Kallan lifts her face to stare defiantly into my eyes, “What if I did hide a package? I’ve eaten them now. Nothing you can do about it.”
Maj is once again speechless with rage, and she just flails her arms about to indicate the drawing and quartering she believes is required.
I consider for a moment, “Hey, Kallan?”
“Yes, Mommy?”
“Have you thought about the fact that there will at some point be more Pop-Tarts in this house? And that when these lovely things appear, you will have to let your sister take some extras to set aside for herself?”
Kallan is all sour at the thought, “OK, but that’s not fair! She will take the good flavors and leave me with the ones I hate! That’s not fair!”
“Babe, you deserve a bigger punishment than that. You were all kinds of breakfast evil. Do not even give me attitude about this small punishment. And if I find out that there are more Pop-Tarts hidden in this house? I will be packing you dog food in your lunch tomorrow. Just so you know.”
Kallan opens her mouth to speak. Shuts it. Runs from the room.
Smart girl.
Maj stares at me, “Really, Mother? Really? That’s all you’re going to do? Really?”
“Really, Maj.”
“You drive me crazy, Mother. And you have not even solved the problem of how I do not have a Pop-Tart for breakfast. What am I suppose to do about that?”
I reach into the air before me with plucking fingers, “Oh, Maj! Look! I am all magical and able to pull Pop-Tarts out of thin air! Yay! How awesome am I?”
Maj turns to open the refrigerator, “I guess I will have to eat something else, then.”
I sip at my coffee, “You are like a genius with the problem-solving, babe. Well done.”
She turns from the fridge, “By the way? My chest hurts.”
“What do you mean your chest hurts?”
She rubs her hand across her body, “It hurts right here.”
Snort!
“Seriously, babe? That is not your chest. That’s your stomach. Hurts like your stomach is upset?”
“No, just achey hurting. Like something is about to be very wrong.”
“Well, that’s weird. Did you do anything unusual yesterday?”
“I climbed all four of the giant gym ropes to the gymnasium ceiling. ”
I laugh, “You climbed all of the big ropes yesterday? And now your stomach muscles hurt? Hmmm . . . I wonder if you can connect these two bits of information.”
She thinks for a minute, “So you think my muscles hurt from all that climbing?”
“Seriously, Maj? Yes. Duh.”
She pushes on her stomach muscles, tenses them. I can see that she is trying to replay the climbing in her mind to see if these are the muscles that were involved.
She decides, “You know what? I think you’re right! It’s the climbing that hurt me!”
I pour my second cup of coffee, “Maj, you are killing me today.”
She looks at me curiously, “Why?”
“What with your problem-solving genius . . . I am just so proud.”
Maj pours herself some cereal, “You are way too sarcastic, Mother. You should work on that.”
I walk over and wrap my arm around her, “Oh, Maj! Could you help me? There is this weird discoloration on my leg. And yesterday? In completely unrelated news? I hit my shin on the coffee table. What do you think has caused this strange purple mark?”
“You are so annoying, Mother.”
“Plus also? I would like to eat a bagel for breakfast, but we have no bagels! Whatever will I do?”
“So annoying.”
I kiss her on the head, “Love you, babe.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Yeah, I know?
Swoon!
adorable, I picture my breakfasts to be this way in a few more years Now,its mostly they both hate anything I make them and doddle while eating and then say “Mommy u hate me dont u?” Oh. how I love breakfast.Happy Mothering!
Snort!
We get statements of hate.
I try to get them to limit their use of the word hate to inanimate objects. Mostly that works.
And sometimes, as I am staring into the angry face of a daughter who has just informed me she hates me?
I fall back on my mother’s words . . .
Yes, well. If you loved me all the time, I wouldn’t be doing my job correctly.
Snort!
Love it! But I wonder…what flavor Pop-Tarts?
OK, there are many fruity flavors (least favorite are the cranberry flavored).
The most desired? Cinnamon.
That’s what Kallan ate this morning.
Duh.
I’m all about strawberry. Cinnamon. Meh.
It’s a relief to know that all the bickering and fighting and mean things my kids did are normal. Now? Now they bust out embarrassing childhood pictures on Facebook.
Sigh.
Yes, my daughters are all kinds of normal.
Smart and wicked and funny as hell.
And all normal.
Love them.
There are cranberry flavored Pop Tarts? Yuck. That sounds nasty.
The girls agree.
They eat them, but cranberry is the least favorite of the Pop-Tarts.
Have you ever wondered about the future with these two? Say in two or three years when they start competing for boys?
I am ever so hopeful that their very very different personalities?
Will mean that they are attracted to different boys.
Oh, please let that be the case.
Please.
Attraction has little to do with sibling rivalry. But I hope for your sanity, they are the ones that would much rather just use sarcastic digs to the others bf.
As for sneaking food, does Kallan have curly hair? Mine that does these things has two curls that I swear become Grinch like horns.
Kallan’s hair is not curly.
But her eyes and her smile? All kinds of devilish.
Maj despairs.
As for the boyfriend thing?
I am sticking my fingers in my ears and chanting LALALALALALALALA.
I am not listening.
Fine be that way. I am going to the sandbox to play with the cool kids.
What?
Are you saying I am not a cool kid?
Take that back!
Can’t make me. Nana nana boo boo. ROFL
Okay I take it back you’re the cool kid.
OK, I am now worried that I am not hanging out with the cool kids.
Cool kids do not say nana nana boo boo.
Pretty sure.
Ack!
Is it possible that neither of us is cool?
Snort!
Hahaha I already told you, I am not one of the cool kids. Thank God.
I was one of those weird, nerdy, know-it-alls that the other kids despised.
Skipping ahead didn’t help.
Skipping ahead never helps with socialization.
Silly you.
But smart?
Smart is always good.
Always.
That she knows is just wonderful.
As for disappearing foodstuff? I have been known to hide my favorite treats. Of course if I didn’t Hubby dear would eat them. And then blame the dog.
Maj is fabulous and all-knowing.
Hee hee!
I don’t usually hide things.
But lately? The girls are paying waaaaaay too much attention to what I have eaten in their absence.
As though I am stealing from them.
So I may start hiding things.
Maybe.
“You were all kinds of breakfast evil.”
Brilliant.
BTW, if there were strawberry poptarts in my house, damn straight I’d save the last package. I’m just sayin’.
Kallan is always plotting, and I am sure she occasionally hides things for herself.
But there was just no way for her to get away with it this morning.
She already ate the last Pop-Tart.
Yesterday morning.
A huge fight.
No way these Pop-Tarts she “found” this morning were going to go unremarked.
Snort!
“You were all kinds of breakfast evil.”
Brilliant.
BTW, if there were strawberry pop-tarts in my house, damn straight I’d save the last package. I’m just sayin’.
Snort.
Kallan was all kinds of breakfast evil.
Hee hee!
Hahahaha, oh I love these conversations. It’s like being in my own kitchen each morning. Wait…
*checks windows*
Hmmm. I swear to you, my girls and your girls are so similar that sometimes it scares me. Although I kept waiting for Kallan to appear magically with a Pop Tart which is what my younger daughter would have done. Well then she’d say it came outta her butt and my oldest would freak and the baby would end up eating the offending Pop Tart, because he will eat anything and he would then start saying Butt Tarty or something for three days. Because he’s two and butt is the best word EVER! Of course, I’d hear about the lack of non butt Pop Tarts for the entire ride to school. Where I’d drop them off and swear to everyone that we WILL NEVER HAVE POP TARTS AGAIN. Until Saturday, when I’d buy more at Target.
Okay. Leaving now.
OK, on another morning?
With a different Pop-Tart?
My day could go exactly as you described.
All the way down to the booty-touching.
Hee hee!
That strangely makes me feel better. Ha.
In other news, now I really want a PopTart.
Not to rub on your butt, though.
Right?
Breakfast travesties are no laughing matter (giggles)!
I myself sometimes find myself in the middle of one. In my case I have no one else to blame other than myself for forgetting to buy milk and/or cereal the day before. But regardless it does bring up a fury as the realisation that I shall not be eating what I desired (or in fact any breakfast at all) sets in.
Sometimes I ponder pouring beer over the cereal as a substitute. Usually I just grumpily go off to work and eat something there.
You are Maj in this instance.
She gets so pissed off when her expectations are violated.
What do you mean, we don’t have any milk? I am eating cereal! I need milk, Mother!
I don’t imagine she would be amused if I suggested she substitute with beer.
We never run out of beer.
Ahem.
She is still speaking to you. You have not yet crossed the hormone threshold, into the minefield that is the baby/bitchy roller coaster. Thank your lucky Pop-Tarts. ;-)
We have some hormones.
But we’re still early in the game.
The next few years are going to be big fucking fun around here.
Sigh.
Now, if we substituted Toaster Strudel with Pop Tarts? Then I would be hiding those Mofos like they were the Holy Grail. I’ve survived for so long on Pop Tarts that they have since kinda lost their magic for me.
Kallan probably should’ve waited until after she left the house to magically “find” Pop Tarts. She could generate a better cover story then. Plus, you wouldn’t be there to punish her severely!
Yeah, and substitute a coherent 1st sentence for the sentence I actually wrote…
I meant “…if we substituted Toaster Strudel for Pop Tarts…” Because I like Toaster Strudel better. Than Pop Tarts.
Sigh.
Oh well.
We knew what you meant! I like strudel better too.
I don’t generally eat much breakfast, and I have never understood the appeal of Pop-Tarts.
Kids are weird.
And yes . . . Kallan did not cover her tracks very well this time. Usually, she is quite sneaky. Not sure how she thought this was going to work out for her.
Snort!
And how I wish I could make you see Maj, all angry and rigid arms . . .
PUNISH HER SEVERELY!
So funny.
So, I have 2 coworkers that only eat one of the poptarts from the foil…and to me? That’s absurd!! Those pop tarts have spent their entire existence together and should be consumed together. Always.
Also, I so remember those type of fights with my sisters. I also remember my sisters possibly missing something the cabinet that magically appeared at a later date and time. Of course, I would never have hid food though.
When there are plentiful Pop-Tarts in our house?
The girls will eat them one at a time, just as you described.
And they will each eat a different flavor, leaving me with two ripped silver packages and two unmatched Pop-Tarts.
But as the Pop-Tarts grow more valuable and rare?
Then they each eat both of the Pop-Tarts in the package.
Because sharing would be ridiculous.
Duh.
I love your kids. They remind me of myself and my own little sister way back when.
Except our mother was not nearly as witty and wise as you, love.
I have cranky mornings.
Those stories are not as fun to tell.
Someday, my daughters will blog.
And all will be revealed.
That day is going to suck.
Snort!
Pop Tarts never last in this house, ever. No matter the flavor, they disappear… I am actually guilty of hiding them when it’s a flavor I like, just to make sure I get some. I am all evil-geniusy and rub my hands together and laugh evilly as I hide them.
Yeah, I’m a little off sometimes…
You are not the first treat-hiding mom to speak up in these comments today.
Hmmmm.
I will have to come up with a good hiding place.
Somewhere the girls (and the dogs) would never think to look.
Hmmmm.
A shelf up high in the cupboard always works for me! ;)
Yes, but I am shortish.
People will notice me climbing up on the kitchen counters to get treats down for myself.
That’s why you wait and do your snacking after the kids have gone to bed!
That way you can hide the evidence and everyone will be none the wiser…
Ack!
You are way smarter than I am!
Of course!
i can see that happening with my hubby and the kids lol!
Snort!
I always love your conversation posts. Because your daughters are awesome and your version of the truth is always hysterical.
I would even call these posts inspirational… (yes I’m typing as fast as I can to get my “conversation” post ready for tomorrow, but Ethan is fighting me for the computer tonight… here’s hoping)
Be bossy!
He doesn’t need the computer more than you do.
You are MOM!
Snort!
That never works here, by the way.
In case you were wondering.