We do not listen to country music.
But it is a country song that is coming from the kitchen.
Maj’s voice . . .
When the blood stops running, I am gonna be dead.
All the blood running on the floor
When the blood stops running, I am gonna be dead
Won’t be alive no more
Maj’s voice is all mournful. And nasally and twangy.
Because she is pinching her nose closed. Because she has a nosebleed.
Sigh.
She is calm and singing now, but a few minutes earlier?
Not so much.
Here she is . . .
Maj rips her homework folder out of my arms, “Are you kidding me, Mother? You are only supposed to sign the paper! Not put a heart on it! Why did you sign your name with a heart?”
I laugh, “Because I love you?”
“AUGHHGGGHGHGHH! Why can’t you just be normal?” Maj works furious scribbly pen to cover up the small symbol of my love and immaturity, “You are not allowed to put hearts on my papers, Mother. NOT ALLOWED.”
Sigh.
Maj stomps into the other room, screaming at her sister to, “Get out of my way! I am trying to pack my backpack here! Get out of my way!”
Kallan does not get out of Maj’s way. At all.
More screaming from Maj.
And then she stomps back into the room where I am sitting, “Oh, great! NOW I HAVE A NOSEBLEED! THAT’S JUST GREAT, MOTHER!”
“Me? What did I do?”
“Like you don’t know this is all your fault,” and she slumps onto the couch with tissues held to her nose.
I try to be helpful, “Babe, remember you are supposed to sit up straight and tuck your chin down into your chest.”
“I KNOW THAT, MOTHER. DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?”
“Also, calming down would be a good idea.”
“I WILL CALM DOWN WHEN EVERYONE STOPS STARING AT ME! STOP STARING AT ME!”
“Babe, you came in here to sit with us. We are not staring at you, but we do continue to exist despite your anger.”
She swipes angry tissues at her face, “OH THAT’S JUST GREAT! NOW I AM BLEEDING FROM MY EYES. GREAT, MOTHER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”
She shoves the bloody eye tissue into my face so that I can appreciate the enormity of my transgressions.
For those of you who don’t know? When Maj gets a nosebleed, the duct work in her nasal passages somehow carries the blood to her eyes, and she weeps blood. Yay!
It is pretty awesome, in a horror movie sort of way.
Maj is all dramatic, “WHY MUST I BLEED?”
Snort!
I sip at my coffee, “Just wait until you get your period, babe. Big fun!”
“MOTHER, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!”
I try again, “Seriously, Maj. You need to calm down. Calmer helps to stop the nosebleed. It does.”
“You always say that, Mother. But are you a doctor? No, you are not. Do you see a doctor around here?” She sweeps her free hand about to indicate our doctor-free household, “No doctors, Mother. I do not have to be calm if I don’t want to be calm.”
Kallan says her goodbyes and heads out the door to the bus stop.
Maj is all tragedy, “I AM MISSING THE BUS, MOTHER! I AM MISSING THE BUS!”
“Not a big deal, Maj. Get the nosebleed under control, and Daddy or I can drive you to school.”
“Or I could just stay home. I think I should stay home.”
“Nope. You are not staying home because of a nosebleed.”
She mutters into her tissues, “Watch me.”
“What was that, babe?”
“Never mind. I’m going to go stand in the kitchen so you cannot stare at me any more.”
“Good plan, babe.”
She stops at the doorway and turns, “You don’t even care, do you? I could bleed all of my blood onto the floor and you would not even care. What if this is an emergency, Mother? What if all of my blood comes out and then I am dead? What about that, Mother?”
“This is not an emergency. This is a nosebleed. But if it turns out I am wrong and all of your blood does come out and you die? Then guess what, Maj?”
She looks at me suspiciously through bloodied eyes, a wad of tissues pinched to her nose, “What?”
“Then you may stay home from school.”
I leave the room, and Maj calls after me, “Mothers are supposed to be more sympathetic than you are! I do not know how you do not know this!”
Whatever.
And then there is a lovely country song.
Maj’s voice all nasal and blood-clotted . . .
When the blood stops running, I am gonna be dead.
All the blood running on the floor
When the blood stops running, I am gonna be dead
Won’t be alive no more
She’s not dead, by the way.
And she did go to school.
Yay!
If she can do that bleeding from the eyes shit on command?
She will be the most popular girl in school.
And by “most popular” I mean “the girl I would have a crush on if I were 12 years old.”
Sadly, she cannot do it on command.
But she is awesome.
Swoon.
She is so awesome.
Your daughter bleeds from her eyes. How freaking awesome is that!? *Jealous*
It is pretty awesome.
I always have to give her teachers and the school nurse a heads-up.
They are always all nonchalant . . . whatever . . . blood in her eyes . . . we’ve seen it all.
Until they actually see it.
And then they are all . . . HOLY SHIT!
Snort!
I’m sorry, hold up. Lovely melodramatic Maj weeps blood? That may be the most perfect bodily quirk I have ever heard of.
Snort!
I am all giggling.
Yes . . . it is pretty perfect.
that is pretty cool in a horror flick sort of way!
It really is.
It pisses Maj all the fuck off, especially when it happens at school.
But it is pretty cool.
it’s like a stigmata! You could charge admission & she could heal people on the side. Kewl!
Oh, you have my sympathies, my dear. Because? Maj’s twin lives at my house. Except the one at my house is 9. And doesn’t have nosebleeds. But the rest? Oh, you have my sympathies. And prayers. And smiles because I know how worth it she is.
The blood in the eyes? Totally awesome. I grew up with a kid who did that and I always wished I could do it, too. I never did because I never had any nosebleeds. But I do know what causes it now. Want to know? Or just preserve the stigma-like mystery?
Maj is awesome and totally worth it.
Although she does make me tired, sometimes.
And I know what causes the blood in the eyes . . . Maj has had several cranky conversations with doctors about it over the years.
That’s not as funny a story.
Snort!
Are you going to draw more hearts on her papers? My youngest was sure that I was the most insensitive mother in the world, but I never gave her a nosebleed. Guess what, you win.
I was aware of the “No hearts on Maj’s paper” rule.
I do like to fuck with Maj once in a while.
So I will likely do it again.
Snicker.
does the rule also include smiley faces?
It does.
Try a glitter pen the next time with lots of curlee letters….
Just to see…
You know, not like you try to wind her up on purpose or nothing…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
M
ps – or a neon colour pen!
I would never try to wind up my clockwork-tense daughter on purpose!
I am offended by the very suggestion.
Plus I am giggling.
WOW! Girls are a handful. (and yours are SO bright) My boys are, in a word SIMPLE (lovely but simple). My Charlie gets nose bleeds all the time, but only because he’s a closet picker. The other morning he came downstairs with a gusher. He says, “Mom, I think I bumped my nose against something”. I answer, “Yeah, my guess is that you bumped the inside of your nose against that finger you had plunged inside”. He giggled. Love my sweet, simple boys. By the way, my boys only WISH they could bleed through their eyes…then shoot the blood at predators like that cool Horned Lizard!
Maj has allergies.
And so she takes medications to keep those under control.
One of the side effects of the medications?
Nosebleeds.
Yay!
And if Maj was able to SHOOT blood from her eyes?
I would be covered in blood.
Like in the horrid movie Carrie.
Well, you finally got something right, albeit buried in your “tags,” (which, BTW, are a definite threat to my work, since I maintain tagging data elevates it to the level of valuable information, whereas your tags degrade your already incomprehensible drivel to the level of…. um, pablum. But I digress), namely that old-time country music was great, especially some of the amazingly witty double entendre lyrics such as “Two Story House.
But I digress again.
Here’s the deal, babes.
Maj is simply too valuable to be twiddling her thumbs and having nose bleeds. I’m thinking of her in terms of being the next U.N. Ambassador, sort of a left-wing (I hope) analog of Bushie’s bad boy, John Bolton. Can you imagine her going toe-to-toe @ the General Assembly with The Dear Leader and Ahmadinejad? she’d grind ‘em into bits & spit ‘em out. Seriously: you’ve got to take one for the good ol’ US of A (that’s your cue, Merle: “I’m proud to be an oakie from Muskogee”).
I remain,
Mister I fall to pieces, whenever Miss Patsy Cline sings or you destroy the Queen’s English
BTW: in light of young Wills’ engagement, how about honoring the Royals by switching to the Queen’s English for the duration (LOL: in fact you’re single-handedly pumping new blood into a tired, woebegone language. Carry on).
BULLETIN: MASS. ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES COMMISSION BANNING ALCOHOLIC DRINKS THAT CONTAIN CAFFEINE. NO WORD AT THIS TIME AS TO WHETHER THE BAN WILL ALSO INCLUDE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES THAT CONTAIN RAMEN NOODLES.
Yikes, babe.
That is quite the comment.
Let’s see.
Nope.
I’m just going to let this one stand.
You may want to start your own blog.
What with all your free time.
Snort!
Been there, done that blogging thing (hey, even before there was blogware. Ever the pioneer!). Now it’s The Twitter until someone comes up with something 50 ch. or so. Oops, thanks for reminding me: I have to go over someone’s edits (grrrh) for my book….
Yes, I can see how you would kick-ass on Twitter.
What with your terse writing style.
Ahem.
wow that is crazy and awesome! maj really makes me laugh. i love the noodle story when she misjudged the moment and threw a candy at your butt…and her response just awesome and hilarious.
Maj sometimes misjudges the moment.
Awkwardness follows her.
But she seems aware that she misses sometimes.
Whatever . . . she’ll just try again.
Snort!
Mothers are supposed to be sympathetic?
I didn’t get that memo.
If it wasn’t an artery, the kid better suck it up.
And the eye bleeding thing?
Awesome!
I know several teenage boys would pay for that super power.
Exactly.
There is so much drama at our house.
I cannot be bothered unless arteries have been severed.
Seriously.
right after she said, “why must I bleed?” I immediately thought, her period will be a blast then. then I read on. you make me happy in my panties.
And that?
That is the best kind of happiness there is.
Pretty sure.
Love that.
one minute I think I am kallan all noodle drunk and being ridiculous.
then i realize i was very maj in my years too. making my mom tired with my drama.
My girls are two halves of one awesomely perfect woman.
Hopefully, they will each develop the parts they are currently lacking.
Or the world (and their future boyfriends) . . .
In big trouble.
Bleeding out of her eyes!!?!?
I would have KILLED for that ability when I was younger. But I would have misused my power and been the weirdo girl trying to get nosebleeds just so I could bleed out my eyes, too.
And the serenading? Hilarious!!
I think Maj was still noodle drunk – how much of that vodka soaked Ramen did you give her?
Maj is sometimes a big goofball . . . a weird and lovely contrast to her more uptight and rigid normal self.
She is not generally a singer.
Sigh.
She is such a weird and fabulous smallish person.
Swoon.
I am going to go out on a limb here and say, I do not believe that is a real country song.
You drew a heart on her paper? I must steal this. Oh how Morgan would flip out on me. Swoon. The possibilities.
Yes . . . for a certain sensitive and cranky sort of child?
A scribbled heart is a death-blow.
Snort!
I am no longer allowed to hold her hand, hug her or call her anything but her given name in public.
Which is why, her eyes about fell into her brain this morning when I hugged her, kissed her and said, have a great day booger. At school.
COurse the little shit gave me her pink eye….so maybe that was ill advised.
You caught pink-eye from your daughter after an ill-advised display of public affection?
Bwahahahahaahaa!!
Oh, that is just perfect.
Maj will love that story.
I did actually. Pretty sure.
She had it yesterday. I have it today. Makes as much sense as anything, that it’s payment for calling her Booger in public.
She doesn’t allow nicknames of any form or fashion. Stopped answering to them at four years old.
I am not allowed to be anything but professional with Maj out in public.
According to Maj.
I do not always abide by her wishes.
Ahem.
And pink-eye?
Hideous.
I should stop checking that little box. I keep coming back. Ha. I’m stalking you.
I truly want to gorge my eyeballs out right now. No joke. I’m not sure I’ve ever had pink eye before.
I’m supposed to act like that too. Like I’m someone who just happens to know her. Not the woman who gave birth to her. But I’m not so nice. Plus? She’s not even nine yet. I can’t wait until she’s 12. By can’t wait, I mean, I’m fully dreading it.
I have had pink-eye and it is dreadful.
Ugh.
And Kallan?
She’s 9, and she is not so easily embarrassed. She is willing to be part of the spectacle.
Maj hates us all.
Hee hee!
See? I can’t stop. It’s a sickness Kris. You may have to ban me.
My younger daughter is six. She’s a lot like Kallan. A whole huge lot.
You are all weak and pink-eyed.
Your eyesight (and your judgment) is clouded!
If only there was some real way for me to take advantage of this situation.
Hmmmm.