Sometimes?
Mark enjoys causing trouble.
We are in the car the other day, and Kallan says, “I have a mosquito bite. It’s all itchy.”
And Mark says, “Be thankful you don’t have pinworms.”
And Kallan says, “What?”
And Mark says, “A friend of mine was showing me this paper that came home from school with his kid. Warning about how someone in the class had pinworms. Telling parents to watch for signs of an anal itch.”
What the fuck?
So I say, “Really, babe? This feels like appropriate family conversation to you? Really?”
And Kallan says, “DADDY, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? ANAL WHAT?”
And Mark says, “Nope. You do not want pinworms.”
Kallan is intrigued, “Mom, what are pinworms?”
I glare at Mark, but turn to answer her question, “They are tiny little worms that can live in your intestines. Way gross, but not a huge deal. If you ever had them? You just take medicine and then they are gone. Daddy should stop talking about this now.”
Maj is incredulous, “Why are we talking about having worms in our bodies? What is wrong with Daddy?”
Kallan is all thoughtful, “But why would your butt itch, exactly?”
Maj sticks her fingers in her ears and starts humming loudly . . . MMMMMMMMMMM.
She fills the car with her humming, and so the rest of this pinworm conversation is held at top volume.
Sigh.
Mark is all pleased to be causing trouble, “That’s the wiggly worms, babe! They make your butt itch.”
Kallan is nearly hysterical with delight, “That cannot be true! Mommy, is that true?”
I glare at Mark again, “Daddy is in a weird troublesome mood, apparently. Yes, babe. Pinworms live in the intestinal track, and the end of that track is your anus. So yes, one of the ways you figure out you have pinworms is that your butt itches.”
Here’s Maj . . . MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Here’s Mark, all giddy with misbehavior, “Yes, your mom is correct. And? That’s how they spread. One person itches her butt with her hand and then touches someone else and passes the worm or the eggs along.”
I smack at Mark, “What is wrong with you? Stop it. You are freaking Maj out.”
Here’s Maj . . . MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Kallan again, “Have you guys ever had these pinworms?”
Sigh.
I turn to talk to her again, “No. Not ever. But if you got them? It would not be a big deal. Tell your daddy to be quiet now.”
MMMMMMMMMMMMM.
I reach back to interrupt Maj’s humming, “Maj? They are done talking about disgusting stuff. You can stop humming. Daddy is going to behave.”
I turn to Mark, “You are going to behave, right?”
But Mark does not behave. Instead he says, “Oh, wait! We forgot to tell Mommy about how there was poo on the wall of the bathroom at the hotel we stayed at! Remember that, Kallan?”
I stare at Mark, “What sort of hotel were you staying at, exactly? That is disgusting.”
Kallan helps out, “It wasn’t in our room, Mom. It was down by the pool. Someone smeared what looked like poo on the wall of the bathroom.”
Maj is in a rage, “WHY CAN’T THIS FAMILY BE NORMAL? WHY DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT WORMS AND ANAL ITCHING AND POO ON THE WALL? PLEASE STOP TALKING! PLEASE STOP TALKING!”
And then she hums . . . MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Kallan yells over the humming, “Get it, Mom? It was the perfect place for poo on the wall! Down by the poo-ull! Get it? The word pool has poo in it!”
Maj screams, “THE POOL DID NOT HAVE POO IN IT! MMMMMMMMMM.”
I try to reassure Maj that there was no poo in the pool. But she is humming too loudly and will not listen.
MMMMMMMMMMMM.
Kallan is all helpful, “You don’t actually know that, Mom. I’m sure there was a little poo in the pool. Not everyone does a good job wiping, you know.”
Mark agrees, “Might have been pinworms in the pool as well. You don’t know.”
“OH MY GOD! SHUT UP! STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
That was me yelling, by the way.
Silence then, except for the sound of Maj humming.
MMMMMMMMMMMM.
And then we arrive at our destination.
Kallan climbs from the minivan, “All I know? Is that I am going to be watching for people scratching their butts. If there is anal itching? I am staying far away.”
I sigh, “Good plan, Kallan. Good plan.”
Maj climbs from the minivan, “Our family is not normal. Why can’t we just be normal?”
I sigh again, “I do not even know, Maj. Sorry about that.”
The girls run ahead.
I walk with Mark, “Seriously, babe. What is wrong with you?”
He laughs and takes my hand, “The pinworms are making me delirious, I believe.”
I yank my hand from his, “I am not even holding your hand, then.”
He laughs again, “Too late! You are doomed!”
Seriously?
Our family is not normal.
Sorry, Maj.
And now?
Because I am all suggestible?
My ass itches.
It so fucking does.
Sigh.
Funny stuff. Your family always makes me laugh!!
Sigh.
Mark drives me nuts, sometimes.
and… holy cow!! I am the first to comment, happy day!!
Yay!
Oh, that’s mean and awful. Hilarious, but also mean and awful. And now I’m feeling itchy. Thanks a lot, Mark. harrumph.
I know!
Mark claims not to understand what the phrase, “passive aggressive” means.
But he seems to be able to make it work for him just fine.
Snort!
Ahhh…pinworms. Very common when I was kid (or I was susceptible). Miserable.
Poor Maj. I hope her day got better from there.
At my house, I’m the one likely to instigate that sort of trouble. My husband, he doesn’t have the stomach for it. Gets really upset if our dinner table conversation gets to….detailed. As for me, after changing diapers for four solid years, it doesn’t phase me.
Mark very rarely starts this sort of thing.
He is usually easily grossed out by talk of bugs and worms.
This was a special day.
Apparently.
Snort!
I so LOVE this:
Maj: “Our family is not normal. Why can’t we just be normal?”
I sigh again, “I do not even know, Maj. Sorry about that.”
And yes I had pinworms as a 10 year old kid. I will never forget the horror of the humiliation in my mother having to check my butt with a flashlight at midnight when they come crawling out for a look-see. Hoping my kids never learn about this one firsthand.
Love to you all, from one “not normal” family to another.
Oh . . . my . . . god.
The idea of having to check the girls’ butts with a flashlight?
Watching for worms that have crawled out for a “look-see?”
Oh . . . my . . . god.
I am not telling Kallan about that story.
Not even.
Our pediatrician told my mom to use a piece of scotch tape on our butts after we bathed to get the worms to stick to it for inspection under a microscope.
What fun that must have been.
Don’t remember the flashlight bit, but it could have been both.
I was younger than 10 the last time.
Oh my god!
Kallan is going to go out and GET pin-worms just for the fun of the flashlight inspections and the booty scotch-taping!
She must never read these comments.
Snort!
ahhhhh nothing like a story of ass itching to break us out of our Monday grumbling moods…
See?
I am here for you, babe.
Snort!
Just don’t talk about that worm that pops up out of your skin. That you must roll up on a stick to get out. One little turn at a time. For weeks. Until it comes out.
But man, that’s cool.
Someone please tell me that Nigel is lying about the possibility of those kinds of worms…ewww!
Nigel has a flair for drama, but I don’t think he is lying.
Really.
Your worm rolls up on stick?
That is a pretty awesome trick, I must say.
Hee hee!
I had pin worms as a little kid. I was sooo embarrassed to tell anyone. I think my parents must have noticed that I couldn’t sit still. and the medicine wasn’t fun either.
Ugh.
Although I can so envision my daughters all scootchy in their seats, unable to sit still.
Ack!
When I taught in the primary grades we would have to do head checks anytime a kid got sent home with lice. I itched the whole freakin’ day. It gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it. Ugh!
We have never had to deal with lice.
Shudders of horror at the thought.
Ugh.
At least your girls didn’t learn about them from a teacher in high school like I did.
She decided to tell the whole class a funny anecdote. Who knows what had gotten into her that day. It was a great little story about having to do the flashlight butt check on her son, who woke up while she was sneaking up to his bare bottom in the dark!
*crickets*
The horror.
I am giggling hysterically.
I can so hear . . .
*crickets*
Oh my god.
The horror!
The awesomely fabulous horror.
I remember learning about pin worms for the first time and almost DYING. Similar to Maj’s freak out. For a long time, I didn’t really understand that they weren’t your garden variety worm and I was petrified to sit in the sand box. LOL
And now I have wonderful visions of flashlights and brown eyes with worms. Awesome.
Brown eyes with worms?
Snort!
You are my new favorite.
Love that.
The poo-ul? Loveitloveitloveit!
Never had the blessing of pinworms. So glad. The flashlight thing, spooky.
Mark was having a good day. And see? He was just giving you post fodder. How helpful!
And those fly larvae under the skin? Yeah,
they exist. Discovery channel. Yuck.
Snort!
Poo-ul.
Sigh.
My family offers me endless blogging material, but yes . . . Mark was having a good day.
As for the larvae under the skin?
Yeah, I know.
Ick.
Oh, dear god…
I respect the hell out of that man’s dedication to torturing his children.
Swoon.
Giggle.
Yes, Mark was in fine form.
He is, every once in a while, a crazy person.
Swoon!
oh jesus!!! I read this to my hubby and he nearly pissed himself! Poor Maj and pinworms suck big monkey nuts!
OK, and now that image is in my head.
Pinworms sucking big monkey nuts.
Thank you very much for that!
ACK!
HAhaha! Kallan & Mark too funny
A few weeks ago I found a baby scorpion inside the package of toilet paper … a few days after that we found a HUGE scorpion on our front porch … after that I was so freaked out that there were scorpions everywhere in our house … I wouldn’t get in bed without shaking everything out … we were talking about the scorpions at dinner the other night and our oldest son starts scratching and rubbing his arms … I asked him what was wrong and he said he could feel them crawling on him and was totally creeped out … his shower that night was way longer than usual lol
Augh!
Scorpions in your toilet paper?
That is just too horrific for words!
I have never seen a scorpion in the wild, much less in my house.
And if I were to see one in my house?
You can bet I would be shaking everything. Everything.
Augh!
When I was a kid, we found a dead mouse in the toilet paper. It had crawled inside the tube and given up the ghost, apparently.
Correction: the ants found the dead mouse. Under the bathroom sink.
Yeah. I was 10. You can imagine how long it took before I could retrieve new packages of toilet paper from the garage. In fact, I’ve now thoroughly creeped myself out and must go decontaminate.
However, your family? Love. Much, much love and even more giggles.
Oh, babe.
That is hideous.
A teeny bit funny. But hideous.
Snicker.
Love you as well, giggly one.
Very much.