I have been getting quite a bit of spam addressed to my personal email account lately from foreign women who are looking to make good-time connections with me or who are orphaned young and beautiful and who need my assistance freeing two million dollars American cash from an off-shore account.
Mark tells me that this is all my fault. That I have somehow allowed my email address to be “scraped” from some invisible internet surface. Mark is all long-suffering and falsely patient as he explains (for what his tone suggests is the billionth time) that I need to be more careful with my email address.
I don’t even know what the fuck he is talking about, so I’m sure that this latest onslaught of spam is my fault.
Oops.
I have decided to take it as a good omen . . . these people want nothing more than to bring me sex and happiness and cash in the New Year!
Yes, please!
That would be awesome!
But before I move into this shiny happy spammish future?
Let’s take a moment to survey the recent past.
Like just a few minutes ago, when Mark suggested I put up a post that listed my top ten posts from the past year. He says, “Everybody does that on New Year’s Eve. Bam, you’re done!”
Mark is annoying me.
I am not going to do that . . . I don’t have ten posts that capture the year for me.
People? You want to know what 2010 has meant to me?
Go back and read from the beginning.
No, I am not fucking kidding.
Anyway . . . .
Today, on this eve of the New Year?
Ten Recently Acquired Pieces of Advice That it Would Behoove You to Heed
1) Do not take your 11 year old daughter to a PG-13 movie you have not adequately researched unless you are prepared to discuss why one man is holding another man’s erect penis in his hand and then injecting it with epinephrine. Really.
2) If your husband refuses to help you lick the Christmas card envelopes? Let it go. It is possible he is so incredibly lame at licking envelopes that you will wonder how you have ever allowed him to lick anything else. Really.
3) Do not assume that you remember everything from your childhood. My mother asked me the other day, “Do you remember when we locked your father in the attic for several days?” Seriously? No, I do not remember that. At all. Really.
4) Do not jump to the worst-case scenario without first examining all of the evidence. It may turn out that the strange swollen tumor pressing against your knee is actually a sock caught in the leg of your jeans. Medical life-threatening crisis averted. Really.
5) Do not imagine that there is an appropriate way to tell the story of how your daughters have named their asses “Chew” and “Swallow.” There is no appropriate way to tell this story. Really.
6) If you ask a male friend to brainstorm with you about ideas for a post, and then that friend suggests you write about “hot throbbing cocks?” Giggle, but then stop yourself from writing the post that immediately springs to mind. Really.
7) Glow-in-the-dark press-on nails will not guide you to safety in a darkened emergency of any sort. Really.
8) T-shirts printed with scented ink that encourages others to come close enough to you to smell your chest? Wrong on every single level. Really.
9) Know that you should be paying attention when your nine-year-old daughter speaks. You need to be paying attention in the moment in which she tells you the story of how a boy on the bus drew her a picture of a man peeing onto the head of a small boy wearing a teacup for a hat. Really.
10) If you have a song stuck in your head and then you YouTube the video in front of your daughters (who have been happily singing the song along with you) . . . be prepared to explain the “joke” behind the image of several masked women being pumped for milk to feed a baby calf. Really.
There.
Behoove and heed, people.
And now?
I am off to explore a possible good-time connection with a young and beautiful and extremely wealthy foreign young orphan girl.
She needs me.
2011 is going to fucking rock!
What?
You are very wise.Happy New Year! In 2011, my resolution is for you to be even more awesome. You are welcome.
Your resolution is for me to become more awesome?
You are lovely.
I am all giggly.
Maybe you should try to be less awesome and therefore leave some awesomness for the rest of us. There isn’t really that much going around and you seem to have an over-abundance.
Whatever awesome I have?
I am keeping.
I am not good at sharing.
What?
I’m not.
It’s not surprising really that nubile latvian women are trying to offer you sex and money with generous public service announcements like the one’s above. Who knows, someday I might be asked to climb down a well, and save a squirrel with a sprained ankle. Naturally I would have assumed my glow in the dark press on nails would guide us both to safety but alas, I would have been wrong. Now, thanks to you, a squirrel’s life and an ill advised manicure may be saved. That might possibly be the best non-recap, non-lofty declaration, non-best of 2010, non-resolutions for 2011 list I’ve ever seen. I am heeding funny lady, I am heeding, indeed.
Thank you!
Plus also?
I love you.
That you call my post the . . .
best non-recap, non-lofty declaration, non-best of 2010, non-resolutions for 2011 list I’ve ever seen . . .
Swoon!
Um.
What movie is referenced in number 1?
I put it in my tags, babe.
The Little Fockers . . . Ben Stiller holds Robert DeNiro’s erect penis and injects it with epinephrine to bring down the swelling.
Really.
The one time I don’t read the tags.
I was distracted by all the nonsense going on in this house.
And I’m sure it was Ben Stiller’s double holding some random guy’s penis.
They did not actually show the penis.
Although they did show Deniro in a robe with an amazingly impressive erection pushing his robe perhaps 16 inches away from his body.
Really.
HELLO DeNir-O!!
I know!
Maj was all . . . “What the heck is that?”
Sigh.
Mmm…hot throbbing cock…
Wait, what?
Ahem.
I am behooving and heeding. You know I always do what you tell me Kris.
My resolution? Is to be funny so people will read my blog. I’m all trampy for readers…sigh
Happy new year! Love (but no hugs of course) to you all! :-)
I know, right?
Mmmmm . . . hot throbbing cock.
Yum.
And ahem.
I have found that trampy is definitely the way to go when wooing new readers.
Happily?
I was trampy to start, so not that many adjustments have been required.
Love you, slutty one.
Very much.
Julia, chew and swallow…..it’s a book waiting to be written!
Happy new year lovely one!
Happy New Year to you as well!
Much love.
JULIE that should have said! Stupid auto spell right
Do you see why I cannot tell that story?
Julie would be a troublemaker.
Pretty sure.
I have decided, for 2011 I would like to live in your world for a week. I’ll be quiet and have both video and audio recording devices.
So it’s hard for me to be both quiet and laugh my fool head off… I’ll figure something out..
M
oh ps- Merry New Years to you and yours from Me and my 2 insane children
Mishelle -
Your world?
Is also amazing . . . I know that it is.
Love you, babe.
And Happy New Year!
Kris
“Glow-in-the-dark press-on nails will not guide you to safety in a darkened emergency of any sort. Really.”
Thank you for possibly saving my life…
And now?
Bob DeNiro and his massive cock are waiting
2011 will indeed rock ( despite it’s troubling lack of curviness, and that eleven just bugs me in a very “Monk”-like way)
Oh my god . . . if you actually watch that movie?
Try to imagine sitting next to Maj as you are watching it.
Oh . . . my . . . god.
So much inappropriateness.
Ack!
Mark chose that movie, in case you were wondering.
Of course he did.
Also?
Agreed.
The look of 2011 is aesthetically displeasing.
It so is.
I want to know about Chew and Swallow… I really do. I am giggly just trying to imagine the story. But I will not ask.
And what about those glow in the dark nails, hmmm?
And who doesn’t like a story about hard throbbing cocks?
OK I am all giggly over here…
Happy New Year, You!
I cannot tell the Chew and Swallow story because of Julie.
Trust me.
Happy New Year, fabulous you!
2011 is going to be awesome.
Damnit… I so know I am missing something here…
And I want to know because I am nosy… And giggly…
Did I mention that I am giggly?
And I have consumed no alcohol what-so-ever!
Hee hee!
Did you ever read this post?
http://www.prettyalltrue.com/2010/09/ass-tronomy/
Read the comments . . . people went insane over Julie.
Hee hee!
I did a search and found that post…
Oh… My… God…
I am laughing so fucking hard…
I am working my way through the comments now…
Snort! and Hee hee!
OK, do you see why I cannot write about the girls’ butts having names?
Chew and Swallow?
My readers would go insane.
But.. But.. But..
OK there is no good reasoning here…
If your butt is Julie and the girls are Chew and Swallow… What is Mark’s butt named?
Mark wants no part of this.
Well, no wait . . . yes, he does.
See?
This discussion goes very bad very quickly.
Snort!
Seriously the best and most useful advice I have received all year.
I plan to take each every one of those points to heart in 2011.
Happy New Year, you!
Happy New Year to you as well!
So happy to have “met” you this year, Cameron.
So happy.
No quotes around that, my friend.
In all the ways that make a difference, we have met.
When you don your full body sheet and meet me for that beer? That’ll just be icing.
Snort!
Yes . . . like Charlie Brown’s Halloween costume!
I do love you.
I do like icing, though.
Hmmm.
Oh giggle!
Just happiest of New Years to you and Mark and the genius girls!
Giggles back at you!
Happy New Year to you and your family, babe.
Yay!
Wow, I’ve been away for long. Still read daily, just no commenting. I have been silent this holiday season. But I have to tell you, Mark is not entirely correct here. You’re popularity on the web (or just being on the web for that matter) directly correlates to the amount of bullshit spam you will start receiving. You can’t avoid them really. I have tried.
I am a bit jealous though. Hot chicks want you and want to give you money? The majority of my spam (up to 20 per day) is to enlarge my penis. Huh? Wha? I guess if you consider the sex and anatomy by ‘penis’ could be considered so small as to be non-existant. That could constitute a case for needed enlargement in some universe.
WHOA!! wait a sec!!! Amazon does kindle subscriptions!!! How totally cool is that. And I thought I kept up to date on all these webby things, how the hell did that one get by me?
Happy New Year! Hope 2011 is absolutely fab for you and yours.
The spam?
I get endless amounts of spam here on Pretty All True.
You can’t taunt the porn folks like I do and not get spam.
Snort! So much spam.
But I don’t get that much tied to my personal email account, and that’s where this new spam is coming.
Sigh.
And yes! I am all millionary with my Kindle subscription profits.
Ahem.
Yeah.
Happy New Year, lovely you!
I have missed your comments . . . I am glad you have returned!
#4 made my night. serious.
happy new year, woman! love ya!
Stupid sock.
Although I was pleased to realize I was not going to have to have a leg amputated.
Ahem.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year Kris!
I hope 2011 brings another 365 posts from you!
Also glad to see you are number 1 again in TMB! It was making me cross that the other one had got ahead of you for a bit.
Thank you, Ben!
More than 365 posts . . . I did a bunch of guest posts as well.
I don’t know what the heck is going on at TMB. The numbers are all wonky seeming. But at the moment, they are wonky in my favor, so I will take it.
I am so glad to have met you this year, Ben.
You and your unicorns.
But mostly you.
I look forward to seeing much more of you in 2011.
Much love,
Kris
Happy new year, love your your blog highness!
I am blog royalty?
Swoon!
Happy New Year!