The other night, Mark and I sit down to watch TV for an hour or so before we go to bed. We have nothing recorded on the DVR except a few episodes of the American version of Top Gear. No fucking way am I watching that garbage.
The actual Top Gear from the BBC?
With Jeremy Clarkson, James May, and Richard Hammond?
The Stig?
I could watch that show endlessly.
Jeremy Clarkson is yummy.
But we don’t have Jeremy Clarkson.
I leave Mark flipping through the channels as I make a final check of the girls, let the dogs out, and get myself a beer.
I walk back into the room, and I see that Mark has found something. He brings me up to speed, because I have missed the first few minutes of the show . . .
“OK, so these two have just sent the small breasted woman off into the jungle so that they can have sex by the waterfall.”
Snort!
Is there anything sadder than porn that is not porn, people? Soft porn of the dumbest possible sort. I don’t even know what channel we were watching, but I remember there was a group of big-breasted law enforcement officials on a tropical island. They must use their boob-wiles to save a precious jewel that somehow keeps the island inhabitants in a state of perpetual orgasm.
Hold on . . . let me Google.
That sounded dirty, but I really am just looking up the movie.
Hee hee! The movie was called Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial.
OK, I do like the title.
Anyway . . . I don’t know what sort of crack the director of this movie was smoking, but I have a few thoughts.
1) Just because there is no actual penetration? Do not ask me to believe that all of the men in this movie have elephant trunks for dicks. If the woman is clearly riding the man’s stomach? They are not fucking. If the man is significantly shorter than the woman, and he is standing behind her with his head at her shoulder? He is not fucking her, no matter how intense his facial expression. I understand the basic mechanics of fucking. Do not condescend to me, porn people!
2) Do not try to distract me from the no-penetration thing by asking your actors (and I use this term loosely) to fuck as though they are being paid by the stroke. No one fucks that frenetically for an extended period of time. It would be really annoying.
3) Three women and one man meet up in the jungle and immediately take all of their clothing off. So far, so good. Then they all stand together like too-closely planted flowers in a pot and sway to some unheard music. For an interminable amount of time. At no time do any of them sink to the jungle floor. And . . . cut! What the fuck?
4) If your naked sexy sluts are going to have to have repeated and rambunctious sex in the sun over the course of what I imagine was at least a two-day shoot? Somebody needs to buy some sunscreen! I do not want be distracted from the poorly acted faux-sex by my sympathy for what is clearly going to be a painful sunburn. Ow.
5) Who let in the waifish woman with no boobs whatsoever? She is freaking me out.
6) Sand hurts. I know this. If you spend a significant amount of time on your knees or on your back in the sand? Sand gets everywhere and it fucking hurts. WHY ARE YOUR ACTORS RUBBING SAND ON ONE ANOTHER AS THEY FUCK? That is insane and horrible to watch. I am all shivery with horror at the memory. And I am sorry . . . do not ask me to believe that anyone is going down on anyone after rubbing the area in question with sand. That is horrific to imagine.
7) If one of your male actors has unfortunate and remarkable tan lines of the ankle sort? You need to find some way to keep those crazy inappropriately white feet out of the shot. ACK!
8) One of the women, when approached in the jungle and asked about where one might find food, says this . . . “I have a lovely pair of coconuts.” Are you fucking kidding me?
9) There is a jewel on this island of nakedness with special powers such that the holder of the jewel is suddenly sexually irresistible to all who cross his or her path. This jewel comes into play quite a bit. At one point, two men meet up in the jungle and one man holds out the jewel to taunt the other man. And then they DO NOT HAVE SEX! I felt cheated. Plot consistency, porn people!
10) And finally . . . the most horrific faux-sex scene I have ever seen. Three women naked on a beach. All holding bottles of chocolate syrup, which they then pour ecstatically on one another in great quantities. Here’s me talking as this scene progresses . . .
Oh my god . . . they had better stay standing. Chocolate and sand? Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh my god . . . what are they thinking? The sand is going to get everywhere! Be careful, ladies!
ACK! What is she doing? She is rubbing sand into the chocolate and then licking it? ACK! ACK! ACK!
They are rolling in the sand! Ugh. I cannot even believe this.
NO! Do not lick her! NO!
No one listens to me.
This is a like a nightmare. They are going to have no skin left. It is all going to be sandpapered off.
Please make it stop! She is in pain! Make it stop!
Seriously . . . they better be getting paid a lot of money, because they are going to be in agony. What with being skinless and all.
Do you know how much sand they must be eating? Fuck!
Make a note, people . . .
Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial.
Soft porn as brought to you by a crack addict who hates women.
Pretty sure.
Plus also?
Mark and I need to fill up our DVR with some watchable shows.
Suggestions?
I am headed out with the daughters to do some Christmas shopping.
Leave me a comment!
Because I fucking told you to, that’s why.
I will be back to have all of the last words when I return.
I will answer all comments. As always.
I am all sassy that way.
Yay! I am my own first commenter!
And people?
Serious love for you guys . . .
Why else would I be all Christmas-magic and sentimental in this post today?
You know I hate to be all syrupy.
Especially when sand is involved.
Ack!
Oh my God you made me laugh the most with your whole “I’m the first commenter” gig and general bossiness. Apparently it worked. Here’s a comment for you. :)
Also? Loved the Christmas letter. Beautiful little devils you have there. Love to you, and to the rest of your crew.
Yay!
Love you.
As for the photo . . . Did you figure out which girl was which?
Maj is on the left.
Everyone has been getting that wrong. So funny.
How have they been getting that wrong…you clearly told us in the post about the letter that she had new braces…and Kallan, definitely has a mischevious look about her…so obvious which is which…and honestly, I pictured them perfectly in my head prior to seeing them…beautiful girls you have.
I don’t know!
It never occurred to me that people wouldn’t know who was who.
It really didn’t.
Until people started getting it wrong.
I figured it out, I think because you’ve commented before on Maj’s long hair at some point? Or maybe Kallan just had a sneaky little sparkle in her eye that I, as a younger sister of a very Maj-like gal, also had. ;)
I write a lot of details about the girls’ physical appearances, but I have never just written out a description of either of them.
You are all noticey!
I love that.
LMFAO! Oh, that was so funny. I think this should be your new calling – reviewing soft porn movies and saving the rest of us from the agony of watching them.
Indeed. Maybe the mominitrix could give you a day of the week for this. It would fit in well over there.
Nil Zed -
Who is this mominatrix of whom you speak?
Hook me up!
Elizabeth -
Is there money in mocking soft-porn?
I would be awesome at that job!
Yes.
Awesome.
Well that’s good. Now I don’t to watch that later. Of course, now all my plans are down the tube.
I know all about you and your porn.
You’ll find something.
I have faith in you.
Chris and I often DVR soft porn and Cathouse (The HBO show about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch) to watch on his nights off out of boredom.
My favorite two so far are “The Devil Wears Nada” and “Spider-Babe”. So funny. So fucking funny.
Pun intended possibly.
Love Cathouse!
Love love love.
But if it is not going to be an educational documentary (which Cathouse sooo is)?
I like my porn to have actual fucking.
Hard.
So fucking hard.
Pun intended.
Oh, wait.
That’s not actually a pun.
Snort!
I’m more into erotic thrillers than actual porn. Something about the general creepiness of them leaves me going. I will be going to see Black Swan after Christmas, oh yes, I will.
And Cathouse is totally an educational piece! OMG! I mean, who knew that people will sometimes go to brothels to play chess naked with ladies of the night?
Is Black Swan a horror movie with some sex thrown in?
I cannot do horror.
Let me Google.
Ooooh . . . that looks good!
DOESN’T IT? Apparently there is some super hot Natalie Portman action. So very excited.
OK . . . super hot action involving Natalie Portman?
I am so fucking in.
Porn sucks, vs. erotica that has a) something called a plot b) normal looking people.
HEY, KRIS, INCIDENTALLY HAVE YOU EVER HEAR OF A MOVIE CALLED THE READER????? HUH???? It has some incredible erotica (ok, a little questionable, since Kate Winslet is cougar, and “the boy,” is, um, a teen boy) HOWEVER, it also has, IMHO, some of the most complex and riveting moral ambiguity I’ve ever seen. AND NO NAZIS, EXCEPT DURING TRIAL. Oh, but haven’t we been down this path before? You can count on me to sneak it in again until you finally watch it. Not that I would rank it above Busty Cops, or anything.
Why are you so insistent I see The Reader?
You know what I am going to do?
I am going to YouTube search for the Reader sex scenes.
I am not watching a horrible period piece movie about Nazis just to get at a few sex scenes of the icky little-boy sort.
Not even.
Also?
Porn does not suck.
There are toys that suck.
But the porn itself?
It does not suck.
Make a note.
Plus also?
Nothing will be sneaked in, sir.
I am all on guard.
My poor dear child. Where to begin? I guess I just have two words for you on this silly porn vs. erotica thing: Anaïs Nin. Just give me a seductive passage from any of her books, vs. these Silicon Simpletons. The erotica exercises the other muscle, the brain, and brings satisfaction the Bimbos couldn’t comprehend, let alone achieve.
Anaïs Nin
You. Are. AWESOME!
I am awesome?
Or David is awesome?
Either way is fine.
Just want to be clear.
Well, I was thinking that David is awesome because, well, he is a male who is quoting Anais Nin to disparage porn, which seems quite out of character for any male but perhaps he is a female in disguise?
I’m sure you already know I think you are awesome since I read your blog every day & comment about how awesomely weird you are.
So to be clear: David is awesome, but you are awesome-er!
David is awesome.
I know that.
He will be pleased to hear you think so, I believe.
There is a time and place for erotica and porn. Sometimes the tantalizing slow lure of erotica is nice but so is seeing someone getting all kinds of fucked. Sometimes sex doesn’t need to be intellectual; just way fucking hot.
Dear David –
What she said.
Yes.
Kris
Hmmm…*takes out notebook and flips to page of life goals*
Oh, there it is….*crosses off “have sex on beach”*
Thanks for saving my skin!
Here’s the trick . . .
Bring a blanket!
Ta dah!
Porn people are stupid and blanketless.
Duh.
How did I not know such movies existed?
HOW?
Clearly the public education system in this country is failing us.
Failing us all.
p.s.~ I have a lovely pair of coconuts.
Do you not get cable channels where you live?
You are all softly deprived!
As for the coconuts?
I’m glad someone has thought to bring food . . . we would all starve on this lush jungle island without food.
Yum!
Great. Way to completely ruin my whole evening. All those plans, out the window. Sigh… ;)
It’s too bad that it sucked that bad since it had a cool title!
If you are not aware?
Funniest movie titles in the whole world are in porn.
Sadly, though?
They use up all of their creativity on the titles.
Apparently.
Okay so that one gets crossed off the Netflix damn it.
Top Gear – I’ve always been more enamored with Mr Hammond. Yummy.
Ummm . . . Mr. Hammond is pocket-sized.
Do you know something I don’t know?
He is doll-like!
As I read this post I got progressively more squirmy thinking of abrasive sand :(
What was that stripper series you blogged about before? G-string Diva? I will have to see if I can get it on Netflix.
G-STRING DIVAS IS AWESOME!
Yes . . . watch that and get back to me.
I want a review.
So let me summerize for a second…
There are some seriously sun-burnt women with precious little skin left (due to sand exfoliation) covered in chocolate syrup and sand from a beach, who get off on gyrating on men’s chests. Men’s – chests? Um… I think they missed it a little.
ok…. What a waste of the chocolate syrup!
And I thought Blue Nuit (old soft porn 1 pm show in the 80′s) was bad. Comically bad.
Sex on a beach – getting sand in spots that shouldn’t have sand AND then explaining it to the E.R. Dr has never been one of my thrills. Looks good in theory but the sand gets freaking everywhere.
M
ps- the next time you watch you should twitter your comments… it would be hysterical.
Excellent summary!
Yes, exactly.
And are you saying that YOU have been to the ER and had to make the explanations you describe?
Do tell!
And I never Twitter away from my computer.
Really.
It would be funny, though.
No, I have had to explain some embarrassing stuff to Dr’s (like being hugged and breaking my toe while IN the hospital OR my personal fav; dislocating and breaking my toe while dancing to Ricky Martin in my own living-room) but not that one. It’s the whole sand gets everywhere thing that gets to me…
I can’t be the only person who has to admit embarrassing things to Dr’s… I used to watch ER.
M
ps – I’d read it… if it ever happened.
Did you ever read this post?
http://www.prettyalltrue.com/2010/02/hang-in-there/
That was an embarrassing moment in my medical life.
Very.
Sooooo sad…. sad but true. Breakfast Club
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf-PK9KPGlA
They do The Golden Girls as well… kinda sad really.
Off to read that post.
M
OK, I do not have time at the moment, but I will be back to check that out.
Making a note.
A good friend of mine was very, very drunk and having very hardcore sex. She dislocated her hip and could not get it to move (it was way above her head). She had to go to the ER wasted, with her head out of joint wrapped awkwardly in a blanket because she couldn’t get any clothes on her lower body and explain that she got fucked so hard her leg was dislocated. So not kidding at all.
Oh . . . my . . . god.
I have had a couple of beers, and I’m sure your friend was in enormous pain.
But I cannot . . . stop . . . laughing.
Oh my god.
I have never done anything remotely as dramatic as the woman with the dislocated hip, but I *did* once kiss a guy with stubble for so long that it abraded all of the skin off of my chin and I had to go around for days with a giant Band-aid on my face and this stupid explanation about having fallen off a chair and given myself rug burn. Which I’m sure EVERYONE believed. (The guy in question was a shy virgin I fancied, and I guess I was thinking that if I kissed him for long enough he’d get the idea. Didn’t work. I did eventually get him into bed but MY HEAVENS was he dense.)
I married a bearded man. Much comfier.
I’m commenting cause you said I have to.
I don’t often watch porn. Most of them have no plot and lousy acting and horrible lines. So I lose interest. Fast.
So? I can’t suggest any good ones. Since I’ve not watched one all the way through.
Porn is mostly not known for its plot and fine acting.
And honestly?
I don’t watch porn for the plot and the fine acting. I wouldn’t mind if someone would like to direct me to higher quality porn, but mostly? I am watching it for the fucking.
Really. I am weird that way.
But if there is to be no actual fucking?
I am going to start looking around and noticing the ridiculousness.
There is much ridiculousness.
Softcore porn is bullshit. Get the real stuff or don’t bother. I’d also like to tell Renee that one does not watch porn for the acting. That’s what HBO and Showtime is for. I’m just saying…
Hey!
That’s what I just told Renee!
And yes . . . softcore porn is bullshit.
That’s why I need a cooler of harder porn.
Maybe for Christmas.
Fingers crossed.
OK, and I was going to make a joke about how my fingers were crossed but my legs were not.
And then that seemed inappropriate, even for me.
And now look at me!
I am back.
Unable to stop myself.
Ahem.
I was not going to comment in protest on behalf of the small-breasted women of the world until I saw the tag so now I feel better. Well, as much as I can after reading this lovely Christmas post of yours…
The last thing I watched that could be considered soft porn involved another small-breasted but attractive woman (the best kind of attractive, I believe) who was earnestly riding a bespectacled man’s stomach while he was reading the newspaper & not paying any attention to her whatsoever. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep after that because I forget the rest.
Even after admitting having watched this crap before, I still can’t believe that people bother to watch this crap. However it did lead to your weirdest post ever, so there’s that.
She was beautiful, but she was like maybe 95 pounds and less than an A cup.
In a land of fleshy Busty Cops?
She looked bizarre.
Ok, and that movie you saw? Ick . . . if either party to a faux-fucking scene does not pretend to be interested? I just want to reach through the screen and slap that naked person.
And this?
Is not my weirdest post ever.
Pretty sure.
Snort!
Fantastic. I miss those terrible softcore movies on Skinimax and HBO. I mean who doesn’t like sand in unmentionable places while fucking? Not I.
No sand down there.
Not ever.
Ack!