Mark and I went Christmas shopping for the girls today. I won’t bore you with the details, but here we are arriving at the outdoor mall.
Mark turns off the car and sits back in the driver’s seat, “You think I should bring my jacket?”
“What are you talking about? It’s an outdoor mall. Of course you should bring your jacket.”
“You think it’s cold enough for a jacket?”
“Babe? Look at me. I am wearing a jacket. Yes, I think it is cold enough for a jacket.”
“Yeah, but then I’m wearing a jacket when I go in the stores. I get all hot. I don’t think I need my jacket.”
“Fine. Let’s go.”
“Now I can’t decide. Let me just check the weather.”
People? We are sitting in a parking lot. The weather is clearly discernible through the windows of the car. Closer inspection of the weather could be accomplished by . . . oh, I don’t know . . . opening the car door and stepping out into the fucking weather.
Mark pulls out his iPhone.
Tap, tap, tap . . . tap . . .tap, tap, tap . . . tap . . .
Oh my god.
Mark taps a few more times, “Looks like it’s about 45 degrees outside.”
“Ok, so put on your coat and let’s go.”
He sits back in his seat, “I just don’t think I want to wear my coat. I could always come back to the car if I got cold.”
“Are you kidding me? Get out of the fucking car.”
“There is no need to be rude, Kris.”
“Oh my god. How are you going to be able to help me choose Christmas presents for the girls if you can’t even dress yourself?”
“The holidays make you cranky. Are you aware?”
“Sweetie, coat or no coat? It’s time to go.”
We both get out of the car. It is cold outside. Not arctic cold, but cold. About 45 degrees, just like the iPhone said.
Mark does not put on his coat. He stands by the car and surveys the people walking past us, “I see other people not wearing coats.”
“Who? That little boy being chased by his mom? I bet she wants him to put on a coat. Mark, get your coat.”
He is suddenly resolute, “Nope. I don’t need a coat.”
I button my coat and tighten my scarf around my neck, “Fine, but if you start whining about how you are cold? I am going to kill you. First time you whine? You’re dead.”
Mark laughs, “Kris, you are such a joy to shop with. I just want to take a moment to share that with you. You are a joy.”
“We are not even shopping yet. We are still in the parking lot. Plus also? Shut up.”
We start walking toward the mall.
Not ten steps from the car, Mark rubs his hands together.
And then he does it again.
And again.
I walk ahead of him, but I can hear his hands rubbing together.
AUGH!
I turn and glare at him, “OK, Mark? That is going to drive me insane. Stop rubbing your hands together.”
“How is this a problem? I am just rubbing my hands together to get warm.”
“WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING A COAT?”
He rubs his hands together again to show me that I am not the boss of him, “This is what people do when their hands get cold. They don’t have to go get a coat. They just rub their hands together. Friction creates heat.”
“Seriously, Mark. I am not going to have you following me around like a horny cricket. Rubbing your little cricket hands together all horribly buzzy and irritating. STOP IT.”
Mark giggles, “Don’t be so tense, babe. The holidays are supposed to be fun!”
Annoying.
Mark pulls out his iPhone and consults it, “Don’t let me forget to buy some boxed Christmas cards.”
“Is boxed Christmas cards typed into one of your iPhone lists?”
“Yes, but I want you to remind me.”
“That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Remind yourself.”
We walk a little farther and then it occurs to me that, “We don’t need any Christmas cards, babe. We just mailed out our cards.”
He is still tappity tapping on his iPhone, “Yeah, but I have some extra cards I wanted to send out . . . some business contacts . . . I was going to hand-write those.”
I snort with laughter, “Really, babe? Your handwriting is illegible. You sure that’s the way to go?”
“What?”
“If you are looking to make a holiday connection? I would not advise that you write these cards out by hand. People will be all . . . ‘Mury Chxtmst frd murk wrstrm? Who sent us this card?’”
Mark is quiet for a minute, “Is my handwriting really that bad?”
“It really is.”
“Fine. Now you’ve crushed my holiday spirit. Are you happy now?”
“I am a little happier, yes.”
“Hey, Kris?”
I turn to face him.
And he brings his hands right up into my face to rub them together briskly.
Like a fucking cricket.
Creating a little more friction.
He is all happy, “It is cold out here! You were right! I should have brought my jacket!”
I hate Christmas shopping.
Okay, are you certain that you weren’t with Maj?
Because “Fine. Now you’ve crushed my holiday spirit. Are you happy now?” sounds exactly like something she would say.
Followed by “Mother!” of course.
Giggle.
It is no accident that Maj sounds as she does.
She has more than a little of her daddy in her.
More than a little.
FIrst!!!
And second as well!
Yay!
Seriously . . . at one point today, I said to Mark, “There is no need for you to actually speak out loud every single thought that occurs to you. Geez. Now I know where Maj gets it.”
And then he talked a lot more about nothing in particular.
I stopped listening.
Did Mark never learn cursive?
I believe he learned around the 4th grade, but then was never required to use it again.
So he never did.
My handwriting is lovely, by the way.
Mark types everything.
His typing is very neat.
Snort!
Well, he did call you a ‘joy’ (even if it was sarcastic)
Plus when he catches a cold and is all whiny, you can tell him to just rub his hands together briskly to help him warm up when he gets the chills and all that stuff.
Did he buy cards?
You don’t catch a cold by being cold.
Silly you.
And he did buy cards!
Which I have agreed to write out for him.
Seriously.
Mark would like to interject here that he is going to write his own damn cards and I am a pain in the ass.
Snort!
Okay, that was a great laugh, which I totally needed this freakin’ pre-holiday day. So thanks. I bet you guys are great fun to be around. I think you ought to consider doing a vlog of your shopping adventures.
Ack.
No vlogging.
Mark drives me crazy when we go shopping together.
Do we need this?
No.
Do we need this?
No.
Would she like this?
No.
Do you want one of these?
No.
Seriously up the wall.
I laughed out loud when I got to the line about Mark acting like a horny cricket.
Also? What is it with men and their lists? I found out my boyfriend was going to propose when I saw “buy ring” on his to-do list. REALLY? You gonna forget that *little* detail?
Also, 45 degrees is freezing enough for a coat. And gloves.
Mark puts everything on a list.
And then he emails me these lists.
And I ignore these lists.
That drives him mad.
Snicker.
Remind Mark that if he continues to be sassy, there will be no pineapple!
SNORT!
He did like the idea of the Friendship Song!
Snort!
And Mark is no more sassy than I am.
So there is that.
Sigh.
I just wanted to tell you that even though I don’t comment every day. I do vote every day. I haven’t commented in a while. But I have been reading! I don’t know what my problem is. Not much to say I guess. As you can clearly see.
I never have to ask Jesse if he’s cold or not. He just left the house in shorts and sandals. I think it’s below freezing here. He’s kind of a weirdo.
I think the best thing about all this is that both of you are equal pains in each other’s asses. If that makes any sense at all.
I am always cold.
I know this about myself, and I dress appropriately.
Mark always thinks he will be warmer than he has ever been in the past when a situation just like this occurred.
Snort!
And we are equally pain-in-the-assey.
It all works out.
so today me and husband went to lunch. I was hot inside and did not bring a coat. He warned me because duh, “you are always cold”. And then told me not to complain. ha! I complained!! after many years of marriage, it’s fun to torment the other.
It is way fun to torment one another.
Geez, I hate shopping.
Mark loves when I am weak.
He gets all happy and hand-rubbing with evil glee.
Sigh.
You know how some men commit infractions that require them to hand over their Man cards? I think he earned a few bonus cards by consulting the iPhone rather than opening the car door. I’m not sure what causes the men’s (and boys’) aversion to jackets, but now that I’ve heard your husband’s affection for friction, some of the pieces are falling into place. Men have sort of inherent love for friction, though today it seemed his was more of the marital kind than physics.
You really can;t be married to me and have an aversion to friction.
I bring the friction wherever I go.
Ahem.
Mostly that works for us.
Double ahem.
Ok, so I have been stalking you quietly for months.
At first I didn’t want to comment until I read through the archives.
And then I decided what I had to say wasn’t that important.
But this? This conversation makes me all sorts of happy. Especially since I am hoping to go into labor at point now and I started laughing so hard I had a contraction!
And now every time I rub my hand together? I will think of horny crickets and laugh…this is going to be hard to explain.
Jamie -
Oh, I am so happy that you have chosen this moment to step out of the shadows!
Congratulations on the baby who will soon be giggled into this world!
If only that was how it worked.
Wouldn’t that be lovely?
Come back with pictures!
I need a picture of this giggly baby!
Yay!
Kris
Horny cricket. That is wonderful.
However. Some of my elderly breakfast customers walk in first thing in the morning rubbing their cold hands together. Thus is going to be a problem.
80 year old hands rubbing together fir warmth
Horny cricket.
Oh. My. God.
Hee hee!
They are not going to enjoy it if you share that image with them.
Giggle in your head.
Snort!
Haha, your husband is so sassy.
Mine isn’t when I’m filled with grumpiness. I think he likes keeping his head attached to the rest of his body.
Weird.
When I am in a really foul mood?
Mark stays the hell out of my way.
But when I am just grumpy?
He is all kinds of sassy.
Mostly, he makes me laugh with his weirdness.
And then we’re all good.
Haha. I totally get that actually. My husband is exceptionally weird. Weirder than yours even! (Although maybe you hide some of Mark’s weirdness to protect him.) And generally his weirdness endears the homicidal rage right out of me.
I don’t share all of Mark’s weirdness.
Some of it is just for me.
He is a loon.
And he is lovely.
I am always cold. Except when I have a hot flash. Then I am warm like normal people.
That said, my husband, thank goodness, can determine the weather without his iPhone. I’m the one who checks the iPhone all the time. Lol.
And you are very strong not to have killed him. Or at least seriously maimed him. No cleaning of the bedroom for him tonight.
This is why I hate shopping with my DH. Also because he always takes the shopping cart and disappears. Aarrgghhh
I am very strong not to have killed him!
Thank you for noticing!
Although he did buy me coffee.
And then he made an awesome joke about getting screwed on the job.
And then he yelled out at the traffic about how he was not the frog from Frogger, damn it! He needed to get across the street!
And then he sang Christmas carols without realizing he was singing.
So there were good things too.
There always are.
Yeah, it is so annoying that they can make us laugh when we want to kill them. It may be a secret plan by the male of the species to keep themselves alive.
Annoy us so we don’t get bored then make us laugh so we don’t kill them.
Yup, now that I’ve figured it out? It will no longer work.
Oh who am I kidding, yes it will still work.
Stupid men.
It will always work.
I do love to laugh.
Make me laugh?
I am all kinds of accommodating.
Ahem.
OMGosh! I think I would have bit him. My hubby and his blackberry…seriously, get a room. Drives me NUTS!! And he makes me do math while we Christmas shop. No regular list and ideas…we have to use a spreadsheet and everything is priced/budgeted to the penny! Bah humbug!
Mark had his iPhone out while we were at Target.
Looking things up on Amazon to compare prices.
“That game is $2.00 cheaper on Amazon! Should I one-click it? I can order it right this minute.”
Sigh.
Where’s the fun in that?
I read this comment response to Brad. His response? “That’s actually not a bad idea!”
*sigh*
Sigh.
Men are weird.
Really really weird.
I hate Christmas shopping too. and the traffic. and crowds. dude. sometimes I just need some necessities and now I have to battle with the Christmas shoppers. ugg.
and it *was* deceptively cold today! the rare sunshine fooled me into thinking it would be warm, but alas, it was not. but I had my coat with me. because I’m a girl and I am always prepared for any kind of weather. or maybe I’m just OCD.
I hate all kinds of shopping, but Christmas shopping is the worst.
Ugh.
It was beautiful out today, but it was fucking cold!
And I always have a coat.
Because I am a girl. Because I am a little OCD.
And because I am always fucking cold.