Mark is sitting at his computer fucking around the other day, and he goes to check out my Amazon site. Remember how I am selling the free shit now? The Kindle subscriptions.
Anyway.
I have three fabulous reviews up there. Good friends who agreed to go say some nice things about me before I announced the whole foolish “free shit for sale” thing. Love those friends . . . Nichole, Roxane, and Bill.
Serious love.
Mark puts up his own review.
Snort!
So now I have four excellent reviews.
Mark knows better than to talk shit about me in public.
He is all thoughtful, “You could get your page in front of more Amazon customers if you had a couple more reviews. As long as they were positive reviews, I mean.”
Snort!
So silly, as I believe I have sold one subscription. Seriously, people.
One.
Mark continues, “Try to think of a way to get some more reviews up on Amazon. But only good reviews. Bad reviews would be . . . bad.”
Mark is all geniusy.
Hmmm . . . how can I get people to leave me good reviews?
“Hey, Mark? Is there any rule that says I can’t motivate these hypothetical reviewers?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Is there any rule that says I can’t gently coerce these hypothetical reviewers?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Never mind. Let me think.”
Alright, people.
Listen up.
I will be sending out my Christmas cards on December 15th. Around the 15th . . . I tend to procrastinate where Christmas cards are concerned.
My Christmas cards are always a photo of the girls and a letter.
This year’s photo is awesome, despite the problems we had yesterday.
Check my archives for my Christmas letters from years past. I am not your typical Christmas newsletter writer.
So here’s what I am thinking.
You write me a glowing review on Amazon and I will put you on my Christmas card list this year.
Alright, so let’s think this through . . .
1) If you are a real life friend of mine? I will be sending you a Christmas card. Because I love you. Although the fact that you have not yet written a glowing Amazon review for me is as annoying as hell. Just saying.
2) If you are a relative of mine? I will be sending you a Christmas card. Because I love you. I know the reviews that you would write for me on Amazon would tend to be of the disparaging hostile sort, so never mind that part. Do not go on Amazon and talk shit about me, family members!
3) If you are not a real life friend or relative and have received a Christmas card from me in the past? You are probably not reading this blog. So don’t worry about the Amazon thing. You will be receiving a Christmas card.
4) If you are an invisible friend named Roxane or Nichole or Bill? You are golden. I just need addresses.
Which leaves the rest of you.
The rest of you who are not currently on my Christmas card list.
But who would desperately like to be on that list.
Snort!
Here are the rules . . .
1) You must go to Pretty All True’s page on Amazon and leave me a glowing review. I am not fucking around about the glowing part, people. Five stars gets you a Christmas card. Four stars does not. Not fucking kidding.
2) You do not need to leave a lengthy comment with your glowing review. If you would like to leave a lengthy adoring comment, that would be fabulous. But the holiday season is a busy time, and we all have many obligations. Feel free to leave a short comment like . . . I love Pretty All True! Or . . . Kris is awesome! The key is to be glowingly positive. Ahem.
3) Do not swear in your review. Amazon will reject your review. Really.
4) It takes between 24-48 hours for your review to show up on Amazon. Plan accordingly, because this next part is important.
5) I must be able to see your review by next Sunday evening. Which means you should plan to submit your review by about noon on Friday, December 12th. This is called a deadline, people. If you are anything like me? You’re going to forget this deadline, so my advice is to go straight from here to Amazon and get this thing done right this minute.
6) Once you have submitted your glowing review? Drop me an email at kris@prettyalltrue.com that contains your full address. Be sure to let me know the name you used to write this review (especially if it does not match the name by which I know you).
7) Once I see your review up on Amazon? You will be added to my Christmas card list.
There is one small complication.
Amazon does not allow you to write a review of any kind if you have never used Amazon to purchase a product.
So if you have never used Amazon . . . ever?
You are going to need to find a friend to boss.
Find a friend and boss that friend into writing a glowing review of Pretty All True.
And then send me an email with your address and the name of the friend you have bossed (so that I can verify one glowing review per Christmas card).
People?
In all seriousness, you should feel free to submit any sort of review you would like to submit.
If you think I suck?
Feel free to submit that review.
But if you think I suck?
I am so not sending you a Christmas card.
How fucking stupid would that be?
Five stars, people.
Five stars for a card.
Not fucking kidding.
I am going to be a Kindle gazillionaire!
Pretty sure.
Snort!
I will so write a review, and the vote thing too.
Which should I do first?
Damn, decisions, decisions.
Yay!
I love a motivated (if slightly befuddled) reader!
Yay!
I already wrote a review and I know you personally so I am golden!
Silly you.
I’d totally write you a review.
But then you’d have to send a card all the way to England.
And I’d have to explain why I was getting Christmas greetings from an American I never met to my husband.
My husband is suspicious of people on the Internet. Me not so much.
I meet Internet friends, speak to them on the phone, invite them to stay at my home.
So yeah, Christmas greetings would get my ass handed to me. With divorce papers.
But I may still review you. No card required. I just have to remember if I have and account.
I do not even want to contribute to an ass-handing.
Snort!
Love you, silly you.
I have in fact read your Christmas letters in your archives. Fan.tastic. Definitely writing a review.
Of course I thought you were five star worthy before you offered a Christmas card.
Obviously.
Happy sighs.
Thank you!
Big love to you, babe.
Big love.
voted and 5-star reviewed!
how much do you love me?
thought so…
To the moon and back, lovely you.
To the moon and back.
You have some sort of deranged magnetism. I voted, I reviewed. I do not know why. Maybe because you hate pumpkin and when you conquer the world, you can ban it.
Yes!
When I conquer the world?
All food containing pumpkin shall be banned.
Nichole will be hauled off in shackles.
Pretty sure.
Plus also?
Deranged magnetism?
Oh, I love that!
I’m so writing that review for you! I think it’s so funny that you are offering your family christmas cards as a “reward” and people like me? totally going along with it. Brilliant you are!
I know, right?
Not much of a reward.
I love my readers!
Serious fucking love.
Wait, a five star review AND a vote? On a Saturday? While I’m watching cute butts, um I uh mean um Football???? (damn how is it they look that good in white? There must be girdles involved.)
Yeah I can write you a review. I think I started to but I got distracted. I may even buy a subscription since paypal didn’t like me when I tried to buy you a beer.
I don’t know about glowing. I’ve never been able to get my writing to glow in the dark oh you meant the other glowing. Yeah sure. That can be done. I thought you meant like my face when there’s a huddle.
Just kidding. You know I love you lol!
First? There are definitely girdles involved. Definitely.
As for the rest of your comment?
You make me giggle, glowy one.
Love you.
Okay 5 star review written. Hopefully glow-y enough :) hey my parents didn’t believe in compliments. So I do my best.
It is however under my other alias. Which I used for my first twitter account of dzilizi. (because I am) Really it’s vertigo, but vertigolizzie doesn’t work.
So I have to then give you an address if I want to see the final picture. You also realize that though I will probably have good intentions to send a return card, it may never happen.
Just so we’re clear. :)
Snort!
It’s the thought that counts.
And I think?
That you love me.
Swoon!
Hey before I buy this thing I can get free, do you actually get some of this money?
For each Kindle subscription, I make some percentage of the $1.99 per month fee.
I do not how big that percentage is, because honestly?
It just hasn’t come up yet.
Seriously.
Snort!
Probably not much then since they cover the wireless.
I’ll try the beer again since that looks like it goes to you
And maybe I’m cheap, but I “buy” a lot of free books. And someday I might read them all.
Yes, I am guessing it is not that much either.
Cheers!
Love you, babe.
Well I will be writing a five star review for sure!! but .. you do recall I have a kindle and I still like free stuff for free LOL
Not so sure you want to send a card to Canada though!!
I was noticing Mark has very hairy arms and hands… maybe some nair for christmas!!
Ok 5 star review done!!
Happy to send a card to Canada.
More than happy to do that.
Mark has monkey hands . . . a reference to an earlier post in which I discussed Mark’s weird tendency to hold his drinking glass like a monkey.
Really.
If I do this and I don’t get a Christmas card? Sad tears will be cried. I’m so doing it one I get to a computer.
Have I ever let you down before?
Alright, then.
I didn’t think so.
Love you, babe.
the review has been written. no others will be needed. mine will bring in thousands to buy your free shit.
you’re welcome.
Awww . . . thank you, woman with the magic words.
Thank you!
I have to remember if I have an account… I am almost sure.. almost I said. And when I find out that there I do have an account. Expect a reveiw. I do not need a Christmas card, I still love you and your family even without a beutiful card in the mail. :) and my review will be all sparkly and shiny. Glowing, even.
Awwww . . .I love you.
You are so getting a card.
Sparkly you.
You so are.
I do not have an account with Amazon, so I can not leave a review.
I also have no one to beg to who may have an account with Amazon.
No card for me. :(
I did however vote for you. And tweeted out that you were in the top 10! You’re #3! YAY! ;)
Hmmm . . .
Let me see if I can hook you up with an Amazon friend.
And doesn’t that sound inappropriate?
Thank you, babe.
You are lovely.
I would like a Christmas card, but maybe you could make the picture different. I would like the one with Kallan sticking her tongue in Maj’s ear. I’ll write a review. Because, honestly, once I get off this computer, my husband is gonna want to talk to me and I really don’t feel like it right now. I know, I’m mean.
I am so glad that I am the beneficiary of this moment of anger at your husband!
Yay me!
Now go talk to him.
He’s all sorry for whatever it is he has fucked up, I am sure.
Snort!