People! I am still #1 on Top Mommy Blogs!
I just love seeing Pretty All True at the top of that list.
Yay for another day at #1!
You guys are so awesome.
Thank you!
Today? Today feels like a Maj day.
I have collected some of the conversational gems Maj has left scattered around our house as she walks and talks. She talks a lot. These bits of Maj wisdom don’t fit anywhere else, but they are too good not to share. As you read? Keep in mind the recent suggestion of one of my readers . . .
Down a shot every time Maj says Mother.
You’re going to be all kinds of fucked up!
1) We are at the park, eating a lunch I have packed. Maj stares in annoyance at the sandwich I have prepared for her lunch, “Mother? It appears you have inappropriately cheesed my sandwich.”
Sigh.
2) Maj is getting dressed for school. Maj has a strange certainty that pants not cinched crazy-tight at the waist? Will somehow escape downward as she goes about her day. On this morning, she is all incensed that I won’t help her tighten her pants.
The rest of us voice our opinion that her pants are tight enough.
She disagrees, saying, “I am not taking comments or opinions from outsiders on this issue.”
Maj yanks the adjustable strap as tight as she can, straining to button it, “And by outsiders? I mean anyone who is not in my pants.”
Snort!
3) Maj walks into the room to inform me that if she explores her brand new braces with her tongue? There is one small spot on which her tongue catches. She opens her mouth to show me the offending small bit of metal.
I am sympathetic, but, “There is not much I can do about that, Maj.”
She nods her head, “Oh, I know that. But now that I have noticed this? I am of course going to have to stick my tongue in that spot about a million times. There will be a later tongue injury that will require your attention, Mother.”
Later? Ice and Anbesol are required.
4) First, there are several small skirmishes that require my intervention. But finally, the game comes to a halt. Maj stomps angrily out of the room in which she has been playing with her sister and three other little girls, “They won’t accept my apology, Mother! I am going to need your assistance. These children are not being obedient.”
Snort!
5) I have had to remove both Maj and Kallan from the grocery store after repeated misbehavior. The three of us sit in the car as Mark pays for the groceries, and I lecture them about how they are allowed to speak to their parents. Mark arrives with the groceries, and he opens the back of the minivan to toss in the bags.
Maj throws herself dramatically toward the back of the van, “Oh, thank goodness you are here, Daddy! I was so frightened! Mother has had us in her grip! She has held us in her grip of cruelty!”
Grip of cruelty?
What the fuck?
6) We are at Trader Joe’s, and Maj finds some cookies she has never tried before, “Can we get these?”
We do not need cookies, not even ones that are shaped like chocolate Pringles, “Nope.”
Maj walks away from me with the cookies in her hand. I call after her, “Where are you going?”
She holds the cookies up, “I’ll be right back. Let me just introduce these guys to Daddy.”
Snort!
7) Maj stands next to me, and we both look into the mirror. She stands on her tiptoes, and then settles back down, “Remember how we are supposed to be going back to see that endocrinologist guy if I am not getting taller by January?”
“Yeah?”
“I believe he is going to be quite surprised to learn that I have in fact been shrinking.”
Snort!
8) Out of nowhere, Maj offers this piece of advice as she walks in the door, “Here’s a helpful hint. Don’t ever smell a horse.”
We do not live near horses.
9) And sometimes? Maj is just weird . . .
“What’s Daddy’s middle name, again?”
“It’s Raymond. Maj, you know that.”
“That’s right. Raymond. Raymond. Raymond. That’s a sharp name.”
I have never heard Maj use the word sharp to mean intelligent, so I am not surprised at her next words.
“Yes, it’s a sharp name. Like the person named Raymond should have a pointy sharp head.”
“Yeah, you be sure to let Daddy know that. He’ll be thrilled.”
Maj is not listening to me. She is filling out her mental image of this Raymond guy, “A sharp pointy head. And gills.”
Gills? Snort!
Maj continues, “And Raymond has fins. Hey, Raymond! Raymond, look! You’re a fish!”
A fish?
“And Raymond has weird sucker feet that let him walk out of the water and up the sides of tall buildings. Raymond is a creepy sucker-footed fish.”
There is silence as we both consider this.
Maj laughs, “And now, Mother? I have lost all respect for Daddy. Are you sure his middle name is Raymond?”
“Pretty sure, Maj.”
“That’s too bad for him. What were Grandma and Grandpa thinking?”
Snort!
People?
Oh my god, I love that girl.
Reminds me of Sh*t My Father Says. Kind of off the wall and out there. You sure she’s not a 70 year old man by mistake?
What is this “Shit my Father Says” thing?
And Maj?
Is a very small 11 year old girl.
An awesome loony brilliant 11 year old girl.
Love that.
Ohhhh look it up on Twitter. That guy makes me LOL! I believe he has a Facebook fan page, too.
And also now a TV show starring William Shatner.
Because, you know, Shatner is all edgy like that.
Shatner is all edgy like that?
I am all giggly.
haha totally! It IS like that. Only with much less profanity. Well, at least, from the kid. ;)
It’s twitter.com/shitmydadsays, Kris. Twenty-something guy who started posting all the funny shit his dad said. Now he has Shatner and everything, like these ladies are tellin’ ya.
You would LOVE it, though.
I went to check it out.
Some of that shit?
Is pretty funny!
there’s even a book…
had to download it on the kindle and read it to the kid.
and he thinks his parents are weird!
snort.
and as my middle school girls would say?
Maj is sick! (that’s a good thing. i know. it took me a while too)
Really?
Yet again, I am late to the party and ill-informed.
And Maj?
Is sick.
As long as that’s a compliment.
Yes.
is she this funny at school? although, I would think kids her age might not yet have the ability to see her brilliantness (yes that’s a word)
do her teachers see this side of her at school? I know my kid doesn’t let on how insane he can be when he is out there in the world w/out me… people think he is all quiet and nice. HA!
Maj is quirky, and tends not to connect with just anyone.
She has a few close friends who appreciate her uniqueness. She can’t be bothered with the rest of the people.
She doesn’t understand them, and makes no attempt to understand them.
At school? She is quiet and reserved and perfectly behaved.
Apparently.
Her teachers love her.
Although, she is the girl who raises her hand to point out a mistake the teacher has made.
Her teachers pretend to appreciate the help.
Snort!
My 6th grade science teacher did NOT pretend to appreciate the help! Maybe it was because he was being observed at the time, but hey, if you’re wrong, you’re wrong! Right? I so get Maj.
Snort!
Maj likes a schedule. Maj likes predictability. Maj likes when people follow through on the promises they have made.
Even if those promise are as small as the promise to assign new spelling words before the end of the day.
And Maj does not like when teachers make mistakes and do not immediately correct those mistakes.
Maj stays on top of that stuff.
Snort!
She’d like me, too. Mr Nelson actually argueed with me for a minute that day, even though he was wrong. Then his whole head got all red. I smiled cuz I knew it meant he knew lol! But I mean, he was TEACHING these kids the wrong formula and had to be stopped! Right? ;)
If Maj was here?
She would be high-fiving me in agreement.
Of course the teacher had to be stopped!
Of course he did.
I loved this post so much! It sounds like each day with her is very interesting.
Yes.
Exhausting and interesting.
Both of those things.
I’m off to pour a line of shots.
That, and the giggling, should make the rest of the workday go a little easier!
Thanks, you!
If I had to down a shot every time Maj called me Mother?
I would spend my days in drunken unconsciousness.
And every time I managed to rouse myself?
Mother? Can you hear me, Mother? I need help, Mother.
And I would have to drink more shots.
Snort!
That was an excellent gigglefest!
This could be a monthly series.
“Maj’s Marvelous Mind”
Maj’s Marvelous Mind . . .
I like that.
She is all kinds of marvelous.
And goofy.
She’s my daughter, you know.
The marvelous goofy resemblance is uncanny.
Umm… don’t smell a horse? BWAHAHAHA!
Oh man. That’s a good one.
But what is even better – really better than that is the fact that you are married to a pointy sharp-headed fish man with gills and creepy sucker feet that walk up buildings. Now THAT – that is truly good.
I’m bowing to Maj… she is good. So very good.
Now you, is Mark a merman of sorts?!?! I have questions…
M
Maj is filled with little bits of genius that sometimes just spill out onto the rest of us.
Maj is very good.
So very good.
But Mark?
Mark doesn’t even like to swim.
Merman?
Not even.
Let me say that this little person Maj ALMOST makes me want to procreate…then I remember how exhausting being a StepMom has been and I decide that living vicariously thru you and your wonderful Maj will have to suffice!
Maj drives us crazy.
But she is fabulous.
Happy to have shared the wonder that is my older daughter.
Lucky me.
Lucky tired me.
Snort!
Just have to say – I love Maj. And you.
That’s all.
That is more than enough, babe.
More than enough.
i love maj. lol <3.
This is like what my mind thinks …
but it never escapes !
So funny you should put it that way!
I have had so many discussions with Maj in which I try to explain that not everything she thinks?
Must actually be spoken aloud.
Maj does not get that.
At all.
LOL I am sure that I was like that when I was little.
My mother used to have to reheat my food 3 X before I actually got around to eating because I had so many stories to tell :)
Maj is not so much about stories as she is about just speaking whatever comes into her head.
These peaches are squishy. Kallan did not flush the toilet. I am going to go wash my hands now and then I am going to read in my room. Tell Kallan that if she is looking for me I am in my room. I am going to my room now. Mother? Are you listening to me, because I am telling you that I am going in my room.
Got it, Maj.
OK, so I am going in my room.
Ugh.
Muh-ther! Are you listening to me?! Hahahaha
Well for all those words? Just one Mother! ahah
Love it.
When I say stories.. I mean something like..
“Today I shovelled all the cat poop out of the sandbox in the back yard.”
“Thats nice honey, eat up!”
“I am pretty sure they think they should go there.”
“You’re right, now eat up”
“Can you let the kitties know that it is not appreciated?”
“Sure honey, eat your dinner”
“Also – Can you let the Mary & Larry know they need to clean out their garden?”
“Why honey? Nevermind, eat your Dinner”
“Because I put all the cat poop in there”
” Oh good Lord they are going to kill us.”
(I spoke to my neighbor not long ago. She informed me that they used to sit on the other side of the fence listening to me go on and on about the cat poo… it was the bane of my existence apparently !!! I do remember it being quite a big deal to 3 and 4 year old me!)
Hee hee!
That is awesome.
Maj used to throw all of the snails in our yard into the neighbor’s yard.
And then we would discuss it.
Very much as you have described here.
Snort!
LOL
I’m sure the snails had no business in your yard <3
Snort!
Hahaha
Maj’s thoughts exactly.
She used to give them each a little talking-to before she hurled them into the neighbor’s yard.
Stay over there!
Snort!
Love Maj….always fun to read about her daily proclamations.
Also?
http://shitmydadsays.tumblr.com/
OK, some of those?
Are awesome.
Yeah thought you would appreciate him ; )
Thanks, you!
I love her. I’m a little scared of her running the world one day. Then again, I’m a little afraid of my oldest running the world one day too.
You should have heard the conversation she and I had last night about shoving her brother back where he came from. I got three MOTHER’s in one minute.
Wait. Hold up. They make cookie chocolate Pringles? Sigh. I need to move near a Trader Joe’s.
See?
You and I must not ever be in the Mother Drinking Game.
Snort!
And we did not end up getting those Pringle-shaped cookies (much to my surprise).
So I cannot advise as to their deliciousness.
Here’s a link . . . more candy than cookie, apparently.
http://www.candyblog.net/blog/item/trader_joes_dark_chocolate_crisps/
No, the mother drinking game, would lead to our demise. Or put us directly into rehab.
Oh, wait!
Would Dr. Drew be there to tend to my addicted needs?
Swoon!
Those chocolate crisps are WAY delicious and super convenient for making s’mores. They fit perfectly on a graham cracker. We’re all kinds of gourmet with our s’mores.
Oh, if today’s post resulted in nothing but this fabulous s’mores idea?
That would have been enough.
Awesomeness!
Yay!
I think “you have inappropriately cheesed my sandwich” is my favorite. That sounds really dirty somehow. How dare you inappropriately cheese her sandwich!
Also? I think you need a “pit of despair” to compliment your “grip of cruelty.”
I love that one.
A simple statement of dissatisfaction made fabulous.
You have inappropriately cheesed my sandwich.
Snort!
Do a google search as there is a nice young guy in NC doing a webcomic titled pit of despair. It is too much work at this time of night to figre out how to find the link and post it here using this itouch I bought from my kid. Maybe by next week I can manage such a complex move. But read his comic about being the a stay at home comic drawing dad of a two year old.
Making a note.
Okay, not only did I actually just snort, but I almost peed.
Maj is one of a kind. Love that, kid.
Love the tales of the giggly almost pee!
Love that.
I would be drunk if I were drinking.
Maj is so funny. I bet she doesn’t even intend to be. That’s usually how it works :)
Maj does not have the same sense of humor the rest of us do.
She does not find us amusing.
And for the most part, when she speaks?
She is not even kidding.
At all.
Hope she doesn’t get all fat and dowdy like Queen “We are not amused” Victoria
Whatever size?
Maj is going to kick your ass.
That’s great!
She doesn’t find you amusing. But everyone finds her amusing with a side of annoying.
I can see how life in your house is very interesting. Lol :)
And thanks for sharing all the amusementyness
Seriously?
We drive Maj nuts.
TY, Maj: my day was filled with depressing health (yes, do breast self-exams even if that’s no longer the rule. Trust me) and biz news about friends but you saved me.
In related news, I’m happy to say that “My Dinner with Maj & Kallan” WILL open at the Emerson Majestic Theatre in Boston on January 6th. All the great banter that you’ve come to expect from the Terrific Two, live and unvarnished, and without whatzher name’s bothersome commentary. Buzz off, Kris, give to us straight. I’ve bought the entire house for opening night to make certain that we don’t have any parvenus in the house who aren’t already hooked on the Sensational Siblings: we don’t want any whispering in the audience to divert us from their wit & wisdom.
Go about your business..
Carrying on, babe.
Take care of yourself.