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Pretty sure that’s your fault.
Happy giggling.
Seriously . . . that never gets old.
Meanwhile . . . yesterday afternoon.
Kallan is standing on our step-stool in the middle of the kitchen as I prepare my afternoon cup of coffee.
“What are you doing, babe?”
“Nothing. Just being tall and thinking of a cool idea for a television show.”
I pour the last of the morning pot of coffee into my cup, “Oh yeah?”
“Yes, come here and I will whisper the idea into your ear.”
“It’s a big secret, then? Hold on.” I replace the empty pot in the coffee maker and put the cup of cold coffee in the microwave. Push some buttons.
I walk over to Kallan, “OK, what’s the secret show idea?”
She leans over me, and I expect her to whisper in my ear. Instead?
She grabs me and leaps onto my back, wrapping herself around me as tightly as she can, her chin tucked into my shoulder.
What the fuck?
She explains, “I am a tick, Mom! Pretend I am not even here.”
Snort!
So I just go about my coffee-making business with Kallan wrapped around me, “You are a tick?”
“Yes! I am a tick! This is the show! It will be called The Tick! People walk around with smaller people who are actually ticks attached to their backs! And they don’t even know the ticks are there, but the ticks are able to see and hear everything and get all kinds of secret spy information!”
It is a weird truth that while only a few pounds separate Kallan and her sister, Kallan has always appeared to weigh about half as much as Maj. Maj is somehow denser or more prone to gravity’s pull. I don’t know how to explain it.
If this was Maj on my back? I would be crumpling to the ground right about now.
But because it is Kallan, I go about retrieving my coffee from the microwave. Pour some creamer. Stir my coffee.
I take a sip of coffee, “What is the point of this show, babe? Other than getting the spy information, I mean? What’s the point?”
She adjusts slightly, tightens her grip, and explains, “OK, there will be this super-secret group of kids with tick powers. They will be like detectives. And when there is a bad guy, one of these tick kids will latch onto the back of the bad guy and find out all the bad guy plans. And the bad guy will not even know the tick is there!”
“Hmmm . . . seems like the bad guy would notice the tick after a while. I am noticing you.”
“You are only noticing me because I am talking to you.”
I walk across the kitchen with Kallan clinging to my back, replace the creamer in the refrigerator, “I think I might notice you even if you weren’t talking, Kallan.”
“Nope. This is just a demonstration. In the real show? The tick kids will have crazy sucker mouths like real ticks do, and they will latch right onto the bad guy’s back. And? The tick kids have the power of invisibility.”
“OK, well that makes sense.”
“Yeah, because otherwise? People would forever be trying to pull the kid ticks out of the bad guys with giant tweezers. Or burning the kid ticks’ butts with torches. That would be bad.”
“Oh my god, Kallan. You make me laugh.”
She giggles into my shoulder blade, “This will be a great show!”
“What about the fact that the bad guys will be all crumpled over from carrying around kid ticks on their backs?”
“Mom, that will just make it easier for the police to catch them when it is time for the arresting.”
“What was I thinking?”
“Duh, Mom. It’s so obvious.”
I reach behind me and pat Kallan’s butt, “OK, lovely tickish you . . . I need you to get off my back so that I can go do things.”
Kallan does not let go, “There’s only one way for a kid tick to be released from a bad guy.”
I’m thinking she wants a cookie, “Oh? What’s that?”
“Double boob honking.”
And before I can fully process what she has just said?
She reaches forward with bossy hands to grab and honk both of my boobs.
And then she slithers down my back, “There. A double boob honk is the only way to release a kid tick.”
She runs from the room, yelling over her shoulder, “And now? I am off to fight crime!”
And then she is gone.
Are other people’s children like this?
Snort!
Uh ok, you just made me choke on my crackers! A double boob honk!? I love it! Genius. Pure fricken genius.
Kallan leaves me speechless.
Speechless and giggling.
I really didn’t know where Kallan was going with that, but double boob honking was assuredly not it!
And people who say other people’s kids aren’t like that?
They’re mostly lying.
Though maybe not quite as strange as yours…
I am all kinds of proud.
My children are way fucking weird.
Way.
Yes, other kids are like this. Although not so much with the jumping on the back. Now. Since they’re 9 and 15. And not invisible. But still very, very strange. And therefore obviously our kids.
That is true.
If they weren’t being strange, I wouldn’t even recognize them as my own.
As Maj tells me?
“You made us this way, Mother. If you are not happy with what you have made? You have only yourself to blame.”
Yes, Maj really says that.
All the time.
Plus also?
Kallan is 9 years old.
Just to be clear.
My skinny 9-year-old falls into the “strongly attracted by gravity while actually weighing bupkus” category. Either that or I fall into the “weak old lady” category.
Maj is 11 and tiny.
But she has always had the weight of a thousand children.
It’s freaky.
Ah. This is fabulous! At least you didn’t have to find giant tweezers or burn her butt to get her off of you.
Funny…Boo just asked me this morning if he would get “big ol’ boobies” when he is an adult. Then when I explained that big boobies are typically limited to girls…he asked if Princess would get big ol’ boobies when she was older.
*sigh*
Must be a boobie kind of day. :)
Boobs are in the air.
Or something.
Snort!
Well, my children are/were the very own style of wierd so I say YES other children are like this.
Except you? Are writing it all down which is so smart because you forget such things when they are all college students and no longer remember having fun with their mother.
OOps maybe that is just me?
sigh
I love my weird-ass children.
The thought of Kallan reading this story at some point in the future?
A grown-up Kallan?
Snorty with laughter at the thought.
Love that image.
Ok I JUST commented on your other post that very little surprises me when it comes to Kallan’s evil genius-ness…but I did NOT see the double boob honk coming. Not at all.
now excuse me while I go mop up the water that sprayed all over my desk.
See?
Every time I think I know what to expect with Kallan?
She comes up with new surprises.
A double boob honk?
I so did not see that coming.
Not even a little bit.
i am just still giggling and trying to figure out where a little kid comes up with ‘double boob honk’ and then just does it to her mom.
so fucking funny.
yeah, i swore. what of it. kallan is THAT funny.
Kallan made you swear!
She has powers, that child.
I am way proud.
Double boob honking? Oh my god. That is hilarious. My husband could learn some tricks from her. “I’m sorry honey. I can’t help you vacuum. Nope. The only cure for that would be double boob honking.” Oh yes, I can see it now.
I am all giggly.
Double boob honking cures.
Love!
I read quite a few blogs, but none make me laugh out loud like yours does! Kallan is so funny!! My all time favorite is t-shirts thay say “my baby daddy” Love it!!
Kallan makes me laugh all the time.
She is hilarious.
All the time.
Thanks, lovely you!
Totally clever little tick you have there.
I know!
Thank you.
Okay just like yesterday’s post? I did not see that coming.
Double boob honking?
Man, that kid is hilarious.
Kallan is awesome.
Unpredictable and hilarious and awesome.
And boob honking.
Snort!
I would totally watch a show about secret spy kids attached to bad guys. It has way more going for it than lots of shows on the air.
This story was hilarious before you got to the surprise ending.
Happy sighs that you thought so.
I thought so as well.
I do love Kallan and her sense of imagination.
That. Was. Great.
Double boob honking.
I think that was the plan all along. She so cleverly threw out the line and reeled you in.
Genius.
That is entirely possible.
It’s not like she can walk up to me and say, “Hey, Mom! I want to feel your boobs!”
She knows that’s not going to fly.
So a tale of ticks and TV and invisibility and super-spy information.
And then a boob-honk release of the tick.
Yup.
I could see that.
She is a genius.
To use one of your words, Snort!!!
Snort!
One, I LOVE her and Maj “you only have yourself to blame.” Which of course means that you are even more awesome than I thought!
In our house it would involve a wedgie and a double BOOTY honk…yeah, we’re THOSE people.
We also have the booty honk at our house.
Really.
Funny, just saw this on Dr Who.
The tick thing I mean.
Why yes, I am a geek – how did you guess?
I described my kids today (to a nurse at a specialist office)”Well, they are unique – like me. Really how could they be any different as I am so far from normal. Eclectic is another good word, sounds positive.” the nurse laughed and said “Otherwise they’d be cookie cutter children and that’s boring.”
I laughed so hard! Tis true isn’t it?
M
ps- the double boob honk – priceless!
Yes.
Exactly.
I love that my children are weird and different.
That makes them special.
And so very mine.
And Mark’s.
But mostly mine.
Shhhh.