Guess what?
Pretty All True is the most highly rated non-selling Kindle humor blog subscription on Amazon!
I know! How awesome is that?
All because of you.
I am all swoony with gratitude.
You guys wrote some amazing kick-ass reviews.
Yes, I twisted your arms a bit.
But love that requires a bit of threatened violence to reach its full expression?
That is some seriously awesome dysfunctional love . . . the truest sort.
OK, so if you wrote a review and sent me an email that contained your address? I have answered that email as of this morning. Your card will be heading out in the mail this afternoon.
Which means that if you wrote me a review and you have not heard from me in the past 24 hours? You fucked up and forgot to send me your address. I still love you, but you fucked up. I need your address to send you a card. So get on that.
Speaking of mis-communication.
I am hanging out the other day and it suddenly occurs to me that I am in the mood for some sex. For a moment, I think I am hungry, but then I focus on the feeling and realize that a different sort of oral gratification is required. Mark has been all cute hanging the Christmas lights in the rain and starting dinner. I am feeling all rewardy.
Where is that man, anyway?
I find him upstairs helping the girls with their computers.
Hmmm . . .
No reason I can’t steal him away for a little while, right?
“Hey, babe.”
He does not look up from the computer, “Hey.”
“So I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes.”
“Sure. What do you want?”
“Sort of need some privacy for this discussion.”
“Oh. OK, so we’ll talk later, then.”
I stand there in the doorway for a moment, contemplating my next move. Trying to look sexy without looking sexy, because the girls are both staring at me curiously. And then Mark says, “If you’re looking for something to do, there is a basket of laundry that needs folding.”
People? I so need to work on my subtle sexy look. There is no way I meant to convey, “I am all aimless and in need of being assigned a household chore.”
Mark looks up at me, “The laundry is in the basket by the couch.”
Annoying.
So I go fold the laundry.
OK, let’s try this again. I go back upstairs. Mark is working with Maj and Kallan on installing some software something or other on their computers.
“You got a minute, babe? I want to show you something.”
“I’m kind of busy right now. What did you want to show me?”
“OK, well the thing I want to show you is something I cannot actually show you unless you come in the other room.”
“Well, tell me later. I’m busy.”
I stand there looking subtly sexy again. I am so sure I have it right this time, but Mark says, “Could you check to see how much time is left on the oven timer? And start some vegetables, would you?”
People? How am I giving off chore vibes when I want to be giving off job vibes?
Ahem.
So I check the timer. Start some vegetables. Set the table.
Still like 15 minutes before dinner. I can still make this work.
I walk upstairs all purposefully, “Hey, Mark! I need to talk to you for a minute.”
“So talk.”
“I cannot talk about this subject in front of certain people.”
And then Mark and Maj and Kallan all turn to stare at me.
Sigh.
And then Mark says, “Could you get me a Coke from the basement pantry?”
I stomp downstairs, yelling back, “OK, fine! But later? When you do not have the information that I am right this moment trying to share with you? You are going to be filled with regret.”
Maj and Kallan giggle.
People? That did not go well.
So we eat dinner.
I clear the table. Wash the dishes.
Maj and Kallan look at me expectantly.
Kallan says, “Don’t you need to talk to Daddy?”
Maj smiles, “Yeah, and show him stuff?
Kallan giggles happily, “In private?”
Maj giggles happily as well, “Call Daddy, Mom. Take him where we can’t hear.”
What . . . the . . . fuck?
I stare at their happy faces for a moment.
Oh my god!
They think I want to talk to Mark about Christmas presents I have hidden for them!
Snort!
I go find Mark, “Hey, you know how I wanted to talk to you in private? Show you something I can’t show you in front of the girls?”
“Yeah?”
“You realize I haven’t done any Christmas shopping at all yet, right?”
He stares at me.
I stare at him.
And then realization dawns, “Oh!”
Silly husband.
Ok Woman, you guys need a code word…seriously
a code word
LOL
We so need a code word!
What’s your code word?
I will steal it.
Ours was “We need to talk right away about our bank account”
sometimes it was ” We need to discuss that deposit ”
We kept our Bank account information in the bedroom. Told the kids, finances are adult only information.
hee heeeeee
That is hilarious!
That won’t work for me. The girls know I never want to discuss finances. I mean, I will discuss finances . . . but I am never trying to discuss finances.
Hmmmm.
wow firsties!! Where is my medal?
Snort.
No medal.
Now I am all excited about my code word!
Yay!
now about that medal? Also there was often a huge overdraft we need to work on.
An overdraft?
Hee hee!
Ohmygod. Dave can tell when I’m trying to look sexy. He says I get this constipated look. At least he’s not asking me to do chores.
Snort!
I guess I just looked all wistful and in need of an assignment.
Stupid husband.
Constipated?
Snort!
If I had to chose between looking like “chores” or “constipation”, I’d be choosing “chores.”
Yes.
Me too.
Every time.
Just FYI, the a-holes at TMB are not letting me vote.
Yes, I see that the site appears to be down.
What the fuck, Top Mommy people?
Oh my god, yes, you do need a code word. That is hilarious. I can say that has happened exactly once in my relationship with my husband, and you better believe he was filled with regret.
Mark did not actually end up filled with regret.
Ahem.
We used to have a code word, but it was not kid friendly. Ice cream. Now we have to give the kids ice cream every.damn.time. we want a little action. Good planning.
ice cream is a poorly chosen code word, unless you wanted to avoid the bedroom….try BANK ACCOUNT / huge overdraft / need to make a deposit.
It works, trust me ;)
Ice cream?
That is the worst code word ever!
That is hilarious!
Chores/job.
Hmmm. Well, you clearly projected your desire to do something. He got that part.
However he was rather confused about the content.
The codeword will work for awhile, but your girls are genius. You may need to change it up. Often.
And the presents they think you were discussing probably need to be pretty impressive. After all the “I need to talk to you”.
Sigh.
I know, right?
The girls are going to be expecting a big secret. I can’t just show up Christmas morning with books and clothing. Crap.
As for the code word?
I may just go with “We need to talk in private.”
He can’t get off his ass to come join me for some private dialogue?
Then a monologue it is.
monologue well deserved—heh
Exactly.
I knew you would get me.
HA! monologue hehe
Hee hee!
Guess the “come hither” look wasn’t working, huh? Hahaha
No.
I am going to have to work on that.
jeeeeezzzzzz!! smart, funny, generous and … fuck worthy. Wow. I didn’t know I was in the midst of such greatness! Thanks again for sharing your brain. Have your hunky hsb read the amazon reviews; that should put him in the mood!
Snort!
I . . . um . . . sort of whored myself out for those reviews.
But I am all sorts of awesome!
You’ll see.
Even whorish, I am awesome.
I don’t know if I would call it whoring.
Bribery? Yes. Whoring? No.
:)
I am all good with bribing.
Way good with the bribing.
Hee hee!
My sister and her husband have four children, the youngest of whom is 7.
Their code word? They tell the kids, “Mom and Dad are going to pray.”
I’ve always worried that it’s sacrilegious, but if you think about it … worship, on your knees, crying out to God, …
Whew! I’d better stop now. I’m getting all hot and bothered and my husband isn’t home yet.
Ok, but we are not a religious family.
It would be strange if Mark and I suddenly needed to consult the lord on a regular basis.
I am going with Pineapple.
Seriously!
Despite the SpongeBob connotations, I think Pineapple will be perfect!
Plus also?
I can sing the SpongeBob Friendship Song!
F is for Friends who do stuff together
U is for you and me!
N is for Anywhere and Anytime at all
Down here in the deep blue sea.
I especially like the N line.
Snort!
Time. Out.
How do you intend to use pineapple in such a way that your girls don’t question what you’re talking about?
Because they so will.
Here’s my plan.
I am imagining that a relative the girls have never heard of has developed an allergy to pineapple.
And I plan to keep Mark updated on her condition.
I am a genius!
Why, yes. Yes, you are.
Pure genius.
I bow to you.
Yes!
I will keep you posted.
Mark’s not home at the moment.
So if there is to be pineapple?
It would just be a lonely slice.
Snort!
Plus also?
Be right back.
Ahem.
And? I think I am remembering a distant relative of mine with the same allergy.
I wonder if my Mark remembers her.
I will have to remind him.
Repeatedly.
See?
We are evil fruity geniuses!
No, wait.
That does not sound good at all.
Let’s just leave it at geniuses, shall we?
Thanks for letting me ride on your coattails.
Oh, Mark, do you remember my cousin ….
Yes.
We are geniuses.
Of the horny devilish sort.
Yes.
11 minutes for your fruity genius lol
Snorty snort!
SO hey, did I tell you that Christmas is in 10 days? ;)
Annoying.
Hush, you.
You tried that one already. I don’t listen so well.
Duct-tape, then.
Come a little closer.
Lol pineapple is awesome. Can’t believe Mark didn’t catch on by the fourth time you said not in front of the kids. Congrats on the amazon reviews. I think I will head over there and praise the prettyalltrue.com blog over there myself.
In Mark’s defense?
He says he was positive I wanted to talk about Christmas presents. And that I was being annoyingly persistent about it.
So funny.
And thank you for heading over to Amazon!
I shall rule the free-shit universe!
And I?
Would just like to rule the shit-free universe.
Snort!
In my head, Mark is a smart man.
Which makes me wonder if you have negatively conditioned him.
Do you routinely tempt him to the bedroom and then yell at him? Scold him for unmatched socks? Make him work on the taxes? Make fun of his chest hair?
Alternatively, have you made a habit of wandering the house calling plaintively, “I don’t know what to DOOOOO!” necessitating the assigning of activity?
Mark is a smart man.
A smart heterosexual man with a penis.
He should not be biologically ABLE to not understand the call to the private discussion.
Geez woman.
Don’t MAKE me draw diagrams.
PS – I don’t WANT a Christmas card. Ok, if you wanted send me one because of my amazing awesome friend-ness, go right ahead. But I do NOT want one for writing you a review on Amazon. I did that because you are my friend, even if you did have to shout a bit to be heard above the white-noise that is people asking for things in blog-land.
But if I get a Christmas card it needs to light up. And maybe come with a dancing hat.
So if you’re out of dancing hats you’re off the hook.
OK, first?
I do not call Mark into the bedroom under false pretenses and then berate and mock him!
And I do not wander through the house plaintively looking for chores.
I do not.
And I am not the one who needs diagrams, woman.
I know the way to the bedroom.
Mark is the goofball.
And I am so sending you a Christmas card.
But I will need your address, sassy woman.
Email me that, please.
Geez.
You know what’s funny? Recently, Mark hurt his back. So, I figure he’s out of commission for a few days, right? Apparently not. For like a week following, he’d complain about how his back hurt, and then be all sexy.
Well…
Now? I get all turned on when he complains about his back pain.
So. Messed. Up.
But feel free to steal it if you need a back up code word!
So. Messed. Up.
I love it!
Wonderful comment banter today! Loving it. Well, not like I don’t love it everyday. All of the commenters just seem really with it today, I s’pose.
Sometimes I feel left out, not getting the Spongebob references, not having secret codewords with my fiance…but wait! Then I realize that because we don’t have kids yet, we can have sex whenever we want, and we don’t need codewords because our dog doesn’t understand English!!!
[I know, I know, in 5 years, I'll be cursing my life.]
Don’t get all sassy about being able to have daytime sex in any room of your house you like.
You’ll see.
You’ll see soon enough.
And SpongeBob?
He is a Sponge who lives under the sea in a house shaped like a pineapple.
Really.
You’ll see.