Somewhere in the world, there is a lovely man named Ian. Ian sometimes has trouble focusing for extended periods of time, but when you have his attention? He is way fucking fun.
Ian is not fucking around when he says he has ADD, by the way.
As a conversational partner? He is like a motherfucking gazelle on crack.
He excels on Twitter, a place that appreciates crack-addicted gazelle-leaping geniuses. Check him out.
Anyway. I adore Ian.
And once in a while, some bit of sparkle over here on Pretty All True catches his attention, and he comes bounding over.
Like this time, on a post called Banana Trouble . . .
Ian commented:
Good lord. This is like the greatest blog ever but I need some cliff notes for my ADD-laden ass. Still love ya though. Feeling better be fucking mutual – got it?
And so then I replied:
Oooooh . . . love with conditions and threats of withdrawal! I am all a-tingle with dysfunction!
And my blog? Is probably easier to understand if you have been here since the beginning. But I am not going to be announcing my father’s mental illness and insane need to sexualize everything at the top of each post. You are a big boy. I am not handing out Cliff Notes.
Because Cliff Notes, as I have mentioned before . . . are for fucking lazy-ass cheaters.
So bone up on your Pretty All True! Which is so slutty sounding! I love that!
As I love you.
And then Ian said:
This . . . is one of the best blogs on the net. Everyone….I said EVERYONE should be reading this shit. Hell, even I should get beyond my ADD, pop a Ritalin and read every word.
Dammit I will.
Signed,
Never going away
Ian never did get around to reading my archives, by the way.
Snort!
Ian recently asked me to do an interview for his blog The Daily Dose of Reality.
And then life intervened, as life sometimes does.
Ian has decided to shut down his blog.
Leaving me free to publish some excerpts from that interview.
Ian was planning on adding his own commentary to this interview. He may or may not be by to comment here on Pretty All True.
Probably not.
Gazelle on crack, remember?
Just as well, as he tends to be quite sassy.
Love that man.
Q: You claim to have celebrated the anniversary of your 29th birthday 10+ times. Yet you are youthful, full of spunk. What’s your secret?
No secret. This is just me. People who express amazement about my youthfulness? Are way too young to understand that age does not change who you are. I am the same person I have always been.
Honestly? This is an annoying fucking question.
Q: You seem to snort a lot. Ever pee yourself laughing? If so, describe the last circumstance.
I laugh all the time. All the time.
The other night, Mark and I were watching a television show about the life of comedian Sam Kinison. He was so damn funny. Friends of his were interviewed for this program, and they spoke about how Kinison had no limits where his comedy was concerned . . . that he could find a joke in anything. And to demonstrate this fact?
They went to this clip right here. Don’t click it if you are easily offended. It’s offensive.
But I laughed until I cried. And peed.
Life keeps fucking you in the ass even after you are dead?
That’s just perfection.
Q: Your blog is a slice of life. Seems like nothing is off limits. Is that the case? If not, what is off limits?
Nothing is off limits. If I want to write about something, I am going to write about that something. Really.
But there are many things about which I do not wish to write. Those topics are not off limits . . . they simply do not call to me. Many things do not call to me. A list would be silly.
Q: What’s the best piece of advice your mother or father has given you?
Ian, have you read my blog? At all?
My father was an abusive schizophrenic manic-depressive alcoholic. Some of his words have stayed with me. Many of his words have stayed with me. His cruelty and insanity linger in my memory and have shaped much of who I am today.
Fatherly advice? Not so much.
The best piece of advice my mother has given me?
My mother’s best recent advice has been to not be afraid in my writing . . . to tell the stories and let the “heads fucking roll.” My mother’s advice is especially poignant because she knows that on occasion? The head that will be rolling? Is hers.
Q: Bullying seems to be the topic du jour these days. Have you been or have you taken part in such an activity?
Ian, seriously . . . are you kidding me? Read my blog, babe. My entire childhood was spent living with the bully who was my father. I am not going to lay those details out for you here.
I would like to say something about bullying being a “hot topic” lately.
Hot topics annoy me . . . everybody gathers up all self-righteously on one side of a topic and dares the rest of the world to disagree.
Bullying is bad!
You know what I would like to do? I would like to write a piece about how bullying serves a useful function in society. People who are bullied learn to stand up for themselves. Being bullied teaches strength and builds character. Being bullied makes one more sensitive and empathetic toward others who are vulnerable. Being bullied early on teaches the lessons that life will later reinforce in one’s adulthood, namely that life is not fair and that people are not always kind.
I won’t write that sort of post.
But if I could manage to pull off that sort of post and make people believe that I really meant what I was saying?
Bullying can be good!
I know what would happen next. I would have my ass handed to me on an internet platter. I would be shredded and insulted and taken to task . . . by the very same people who just a moment ago were all holding hands sweetly, agreeing that bullying must stop and we all just have to teach our children tolerance. I would get the invisible internet shit kicked out of me.
And then I would giggle hysterically.
Anyway. I am not a “hot topic” kind of gal.
Snort!
Q: Have you had the birds and the bees talk with your oldest daughter and if so, how did that go?
Yes. It went just fine.
Q: Your husband seems like a good dude. What’s the most recent thing he did that made you grin from ear to ear?
I posted here about the fact that Mark and I recently texted with one another for the first time ever. Nothing too sexy, just silly flirty talk.
So the other day, Mark and I took the girls and their friends to an indoor swimming park. We sat side by side and read a few magazines, answered some emails, supervised the kids. Then I got bored and texted Mark several times in rapid succession . . . extremely explicit sexual texts about what I wanted to do to him.
And then I stared out over the pool as he picked up his phone to read his texts.
And then he giggled like a 12 year old boy. Foolish and delighted and embarrassed.
That boyish giggling?
That made me smile.
Ian would have mocked me there at the end, pretty sure.
People?
Ian is awesome.
A sparkly leaping genius gazelle on crack.
I will miss his blog.
But he is still available in Twitter form.
And if you have not yet voted for me on Top Mommy Blogs today?
Don’t let Ian give you any ideas. There would be a riot if you quit blogging. An internet riot.
I would lead it.
Snort!
I am not going anywhere.
So long as life continues to behave itself.
Hear that, life?
Behave.
How dare you insinuate things about me that are completely true. Pretty All True.
Insinuating myself into . . .
everything.
That’s what I do, babe.
Love me some Ian.. He has a comment for everything and most of them are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.
And for the record.. if you ever do write that sort of post about the positive aspects of bullying, I’d have your back. For what it’s worth.
Not just bullying.
Any time everyone lines up the “correct” side of something?
I always want to cross over to the other side and turn to face them.
Bring it on!
Because, seriously?
How easy is it to take a stand when everyone agrees with you?
So silly.
I prefer a challenge.
And Ian?
I love Ian’s comments.
Serious love.
I love that Natalie chick. And yes I have a comment for everything. Gotta problem with that? Didn’t think so chickadee.
You’re not so bad yourself there, fella..
Nothing wrong with always having a comment. It keeps people always wondering what you’re gonna say next.
Hmm…tie might go to Natalie. She is a huge fan of mine as well. Why? Still trying to figure out that. Love you both long time.
Chickadees are evil little devil birds that shit in your coffee and then giggle about it.
Hmmmph.
1. I didn’t read your blog dorm the beginning. This was very informative. 2. Childhood shapes you and adversity makes you tougher. 3. I don’t disagree with you about vullyingnup to a point. 4. I wish I new you in real life. 5. That is all
1) Go back and do that.
2) True.
3) I didn’t actually voice my opinion on bullying.
4) I am an awesome neighbor.
5) The end.
How dare you not comment about my sheer awesomeness
Lynn likes me better.
So pfffffttttt.
I am all mature when I have not yet had coffee.
Yes, I am.
Fucking iPad. Excuse the typos above. Done now.
If you are fucking your iPad?
A few typos are to be expected.
The water I was drinking? Just came through my nose. Thanks for that.
Snort!
Is that what my husband does with his ipad?
I was wondering why he liked it so much.
Lol
Wouldn’t that be funny if it were true?
Happy sighs at the thought.
why did i have to stop at this comment? i bribed my kid to loan me her laptop since my mac is dead and this comment has me spitting up coffee on the screen. i’m so screwed. dang, i guess that makes me an ipad.
Hee hee!
If i was fucking my iPad, i’m sure i’d be far more satisfied than i actually am.
And you seemed so calm and serene.
I assumed that was due to the fucking.
Snort!
I love you. Not in a stalkerish way. Or in a drunk way. Just in a blogger way. And I really love you for introducing me to lots of other cool people on the internet.
Thank you!
And you are very welcome.
I have a lovely little corner of the internet over here.
And the people who come to hang out with me?
Are so fucking awesome.
The best part of this blogging thing.
By far.
It’s more like I love you in a non-stalker, non homo-erotic, non touchy feely, non gay, non committal, non spastic, non habit forming, non creepy, non sexual sort of way.
Take notes and get it right next time.
OK, but Ian?
You have taken all the fun out of her unhealthy love for me.
What the fuck?
I like creepy, habit-forming, spastic love.
You know that.
I know that but whenever I get a chance to use of my favorite lines goddammit I will do it. Alot. Painfully. Forcefully.
And you will love it.
Painful repeated forced love?
Don’t make me hurt you.
I will check this Ian out. He sounds rather random. A subject I understand.
Rather random is the understatement of the year.
You will love him.
Right here babe. And I carry melons.
Renee –
See what I mean?
You do attract the strangest and wonderfulest readers.
I mean, not me. I’m super normal.
But others.
Strange and wonderful.
Like Ian.
I do have the most amazing readers in the world.
I love them.
I love you.
And Ian?
Ian is a strange and wonderful man.
He so is.
You love me strange and wonderful. Me love you long time.
So you keep saying, Ian.
So you keep saying.
Sigh?
You make me giggle.
Which is lovely, as it passes the time while I do this long-time thing.
Snort!
Ian will be by. I’m so glad you posted excerpts from your interview anyway. I was hoping.
Ian is so lovely.
I am hoping he gets a few new Twitter followers out of the deal.
I was sad to see his blog disappear.
I understood. But it was still a bummer.
I was very sad to see it disappear, but we still email.
By the way, he saw it. And got 30 new twitter followers. ;-)
Oh, that’s awesome!
I did touch base with him on Twitter.
Yay!
Kristi is who turned me onto you. Hear that? I am turned on by you.
Of course you are, babe.
I knew that.
Were you in denial before this moment?
Silly you.
Well I was going to comment on the bullying issue or lack of issue. But I forgot what I was going to say when I hit the fuvking ipad comment/ response.
I probably have ADD however when I was a kid I was considered to daydream too much. I just figured I was easily bored.
Which is why I do love your blog.
I am never bored. And frequently greatly amused. :D
I guess I need to check Ian out on twitter now.
If I remember.
Oh, I am so glad you are never bored!
I hate to be bored, and my blog?
Reflects my need for constant amusement.
You people are a huge part of my day!
Thank you!
As for Ian?
Do not forget to follow Ian.
He is awesome.
See now I came back to see your response and still haven’t followed Ian.
Okay left for a sec to see if I could find him. But will have to click the link. Because there are a lot of Ians on twitter
Ok ok I’m doing it now.
Well not actually doing it. Because then? Then I wouldn’t care about Ian.
:)
Snort!
He is not on Twitter as Ian. You will never find him that way.
Click the link.
He’s there as a watermelon carrying Jennifer Grey.
And no . . . I have no idea what that’s about.
I found it :)
And nobody puts Baby in the corner. Though to get in the party? You have to bring the watermelon.
I love Dirty Dancing. And the movie too :)
I remember that movie.
But I so do not remember a watermelon.
How can you not remember the watermelons???
That’s what got her into the staff party! She helped carry them across the bridge.
However, watermelons are heavy, I had mine reduces to mere cantaloupes…
Cantaloupes are way perkier, and I have found that I love perky!
Hmmm . . . It has been a long time since I watched that movie.
And if I am going to have to carry fruit?
I will be going with grapefruit.
That’s how I roll.
That’s not for you to figure out. I am a man. I like melons. I like to carry melons. Get it yet?
Ian?
You are weird.
Seriously.
I am
And you love it
Yes.
Very much.
This might be one of the most interesting interviews I have ever read.. keep in mind that I’ve had 1 or 3 beers, so you know I’m serious and honest (heee!) ;)
the first question hooked me, cause I get it! age has nothing to do with it… and then I was immediately cracking up reading the 2nd question… thanks :)
New rule!
All visitors to Pretty All True must drink beer before reading!
Yay!
I thought you switched to wine?
That was only if spit was involved.
The beer I am drinking at the moment?
Saliva-free.
You are just trying to make a pregnant lady cry, right?
Because I cry on command.
And I miss beer. Man, sometimes I really, really miss beer. :)
Oh, I remember the parts of pregnancy when anything at all could make me cry.
Like a sad movie.
Or a sad commercial.
Or the fact that we had no more graham crackers.
Or that I couldn’t have a beer.
Yeah, I remember that.
Good times.
Snort!
This is hilarious. And totally worthy of you. And I’d write a middling comment. But I’m trying to get a laptop ready for my grandma. Only it’s hardcore broken. And I’m hardcore computer stupid. Hence my losing my mind.
Silly you.
Thank you for stopping by to comment in the middle of a computer crisis!
And with your mind lost and everything.
Love you.
Because you told me to? I followed Ian on twitter.
I don’t know how, but I was never lucky enough to come across his blog.
Although I did just Google it and was there looking around.
I am sad at what I missed out on now…
Ian has other excellent things to do.
But his blog?
Was fabulous.
My blog was fun. But it was not fun enough to carry on with the stressful nature of it. Check my profile and see that I already created a new one. Ready, lay and wait for my return. Next year at some point.
You’re coming back?
Happy sighs.
That is awesome news.
Will it be that Pretty All True fan site we discussed?
Snort!
We discussed that? Oh that’s right. Yes it will be all things PAT fo shiz.
At some point I probably will. But not for a while. Parked the URL cause I’m cool like that.
Oh, I like the fact that you are not certain whether we discussed this fan site or not. And that you are now agreeing that we might have.
You will be mine.
I knew a kid with ADD. I more than knew him, I was his bestie. Not many people understand people with mental issues, but really, I did NOTHING different to my friend with ADD than I did to my friend who I was convinced had Bi-polar diesese. Well, except not think he was wierd. He made me laugh really hard. So hard I peed my pants. Tee hee to you.
You?
Are going to love Ian.
He is pee-your-pants funny.
If you can catch him.
Snort!
Aw thanks. I should let you know that I do have a weekly quota I try and uphold when it comes to snorting and peeing of thy pants. Not quite there yet this week. Snort and pee away people.
You collect this quota urine to measure?
Ack!
No but that’s a good idea.
I go by the honor system
Seriously?
You are way too trusting.
People tell me they ROFLAO all the time.
But I am doubtful as to the veracity of these claims.
Plus also?
I hate acronyms.
Fuckin, eh! That was awesome! I love the Sam Kinison piece. I also dig the Jesus resurrection bit. Keep it up Kris. Your shit is dope!
Oh, lovely you.
Thank you for coming by!
And if you are a fan of Sam Kinison?
We are going to be great friends.
The Jesus bit?
Swoon!
Took your advice and followed Ian. I’m all twitchy just reading his tweets!
Snicker!
God, I love you so much…you should devote a post solely to the awesome people you follow on Twitter. How you find these people, I have no idea. You rock!
Oh, and I the bullying topic you talked about? Maaan, I got a HUGE ass-kicking last year when I blogged about how I hate Halloween. I’m talking full-on torches-and-pitchforks major “you’re a Communist” venom. Snickery snort!
OK, but how fun must that have been?
Seriously.
Snickery snort!
Also?
I really like snickery snort.
I may steal that.
There are some awesomely entertaining people on Twitter.
So much fun.
And I always find the crazy.
Always.
Kris finds all the good people on Twitter. I was however quite taken aback that it took a mutual friend to link us together. But alas, she owes me a random fuck.
When’s this happening?
I lay in wait.
Nekkid.
When you least expect it, babe.
When you least expect it.
And then?
There you will be.
Fucked.
Might be the greatest comment exchange in the history of the interwebz
We bring out the best in one another.
Or the worst.
Still trying to figure that out.
Either way?
Love it.