When Maj was a kindergartner, we leased a Volvo SUV.
It had a cool built-in booster seat in the middle of the second row of seats.
We didn’t select the car because of the booster seat, but we thought it was pretty cool.
This cool middle booster seat meant that Maj could sit next to her sister without any portable booster seat at all. Just pop up the seat, and we’re all set. Yay!
OK, that was the plan.
The reality was slightly different.
Maj sits in the cool middle booster seat.
I am driving down the street . . .
Maj looks out the front window and sees a car crossing our path several hundred feet ahead, “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!! WE ARE GOING TO HIT THE CAR!”
Maj looks out the front window and sees a red light or a stop sign in the distance, “STOP, MOMMY! STOP, MOMMY! STOP STOP STOP!”
Maj looks out the front window and sees that we are approaching a car in front of us, “MOMMY, SLOW DOWN! MOMMY, DON’T HIT THE CAR! SLOW DOWN!”
Maj looks out the front window and sees that we are traveling down the freeway at a high rate of speed, “WE ARE GOING TOO FAST! WE ARE GOING TOO FAST! MOMMY, WE ARE GOING TOO FAST!”
Maj forgets to look out the front window, and then suddenly looks out the front window and sees . . . anything . . . “AIAIIEEEEEIAIAIAIAIAIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”
OK, so Maj was no longer allowed to use the built-in booster seat.
We talked about it, and Maj agreed that she would be happier not seeing quite so much out of the front window as we drove.
Things have not changed that much.
The four of us are driving down the freeway the other day, and there is a truck ahead of us that has some weird sparkly thing in the back. Whatever the weird sparkly thing is, it catches the light, and the impression is of flames. Probably an oddly placed pane of glass, but I am curious.
We discuss it in the car for a few minutes. Make guesses as to what the sparkly thing might be. Stare out the front window of our minivan.
And then I say, “Hey, Mark . . . see if you can catch up with the truck so we can take a look.”
Mark speeds up a bit. The truck is not that far ahead of us, and the traffic is light.
Maj freaks the fuck out.
Mark takes the job of soothing her as Kallan and I crane forward to see if we can figure out what’s in the truck
“THIS IS CRAZINESS! WHAT IF THE TRUCK REALLY IS ON FIRE? WE ARE HURRYING TO BE CLOSE TO A SPEEDING BALL OF FIRE? OH, THIS MAKES SENSE.”
“There’s no fire, Maj.”
“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT! WE WILL ALL BE KILLED BY MOTHER’S CURIOSITY, DADDY! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING! I AM BEGGING YOU! THINK!”
“There is no fire, and we are not going to be killed.”
“TELL MOTHER TO STOP LAUGHING! IF I AM GOING TO DIE IN A FLAMING EXPLOSION? I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR HER LAUGH ABOUT IT!”
“Maj, deep breaths. Calm down.”
“DADDY, YOU ARE DRIVING 70 MILES AN HOUR! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE . . . YOU . . . KIDDING . . . ME?”
“Maj, the speed limit is 65. This is how fast I always drive.”
“DADDY, YOU ARE SPEEDING! YOU ARE SPEEDING IN DANGEROUS FASHION!”
“Sweetie, we’re fine.”
“HOW DO YOU NOT SEE HOW HAZARDOUS THIS IS? SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!”
“No one’s going to die, Maj. Deep breaths.”
“THERE IS NO POINT IN TAKING DEEP BREATHS IF WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! YOU ARE DRIVING TOO FAST! TOO FAST, DADDY! THIS IS SO DANGEROUS!”
And then the truck peeled off and exited the freeway. Damn it.
Pretty sure it was a reflection off of a pane of glass.
Maj relaxes a bit and lectures us all about car safety for a while.
Her thoughts boil down to . . .
“SAFETY BEFORE CURIOSITY, PEOPLE! SAFETY BEFORE CURIOSITY AND SAFETY BEFORE FUNNY. ARE YOU LISTENING, MOTHER? SAFETY BEFORE FUNNY! ”
And then there is quiet for a few minutes.
I love quiet.
Maj leans suddenly forward, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WE ARE ALMOST OUT OF GAS! WE ARE DRIVING DOWN THE FREEWAY AND WE ARE ALMOST OUT OF GAS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY?”
Kallan snorts with laughter, “Hey, Maj?”
Maj turns, “What?”
“You think Daddy ever imagined a future in which someone yelled at him in the car all the time about what he was doing wrong as he was driving?”
Maj is confused, “What?”
Kallan giggles, “I bet if he ever did think about someone screaming and bossing him in the car as he drove? Daddy imagined the person screaming and bossing him would be his wife. Not his daughter. His wife.”
Maj settles into her seat, “Yes, well. If Mother did her job? I wouldn’t have to scream and boss. If Mother did her job, we would always be safe.”
Wait . . . what?
I turn to look at Maj, “You are always safe, Maj. I am doing my job.”
Maj reaches forward to pat me on the shoulder, “Yes, Mother. I know that’s what you think.”
What . . . the . . . fuck?
First!
Going back to read now!
Maj would so not like my driving.
She would do a little more than freak the fuck out if she was in my car. And it would be warranted.
And it always cracks me up that Maj calls you “Mother.” =)
You are a major goofball.
Maj has made both Mark and I more cautious drivers than we might otherwise be.
And when she is in someone else’s car?
She does not correct their bad driving.
But if she is not pleased, she comes home to tell me that she is never driving with that person again.
And then she does not.
Really.
Oh I love Maj. As I’ve said before, she is the younger version of my oldest daughter.
Maj is fabulous.
Exhausting, but fabulous.
Always.
Lmao so funny as usual. There needs to be a movie based on you and your family. I would watch. Best line : “THIS IS CRAZINESS! WHAT IF THE TRUCK REALLY IS ON FIRE? WE ARE HURRYING TO BE CLOSE TO A SPEEDING BALL OF FIRE? OH, THIS MAKES SENSE.”
Maj is fabulous.
I don’t know if you can read between the lines, but the WHOLE time Maj is freaking out?
I am giggling hysterically.
Oh my god, she makes me laugh.
I drive her crazy.
Safety before funny, Mother!
Hysterical giggling.
I…pity…her…kids. Because you know she is SO going to be the kind of mother she THINKS you should be. And her kids? Are likely to all be little Kallans and think she is nuts. You know I’m right, yes?
Hee hee!
That is EXACTLY how I imagine Maj’s future.
All strict and hard-core as her Kallanesque children run wild.
Snort!
She’s right, though. There really IS no point in taking deep breaths if you’re all going to die. Me & Maj, we’d be hell as passengers on a car trip. I used to do the whole gasping in horror, clutching the dashboard, grabbing the oh shit handle thing when my husband drove.
What does she do about tailgaters? Or has she discovered that bane of my existence yet?
I try not to direct Maj’s attention to either the front or the back of the car.
Just last night?
Mark made the mistake of asking Maj for help parallel parking the car, “Hey, Maj? How close am I to the car behind me?”
That . . . did . . .not . . .go . . . well.
OHMYGAWDTHATWOULDDRIVEMEINSANE!!
Seriously. I have trouble with my 7 year old who likes to watch the speedometer when he gets bored with his DS…
“Ummm Mommy… is the speed limit 100?!” all innocent voiced as I try hard to pass the damn car ahead of me which does 70 km/hr in the regular zone but speeds up to Mach 3 at the start of the passing lane… which of course leads to slowing back down to 70 at the end of the passing lane.
“Yup.” I say cheerfully while cursing under my breath
“120 is higher than 100 isn’t it?”
You know even said in a very innocent voice doesn’t make it any less annoying.
“I am going to slow down after I pass this very annoying driver”
“But what if a police officer drives by?”
“I’m giving him the license of the car I’m trying to pass for bad driving.”
Somehow that child only looks up when I break 100 km/hr.
But Maj I think would have driven me to not drive. I really don’t know how you did it. Does she still do that much?
M
I have gotten used to Maj’s quirks.
She drives me crazy, but it is a giggly sort of crazy most of the time.
That’s not so bad.
And in case you didn’t notice?
The story about driving to see what the “flames” in the truck might be?
That was just a few days ago.
So yes . . . Maj is still very much like that.
Very much.
Question – do you only giggle when you aren’t the one driving??
M
I giggle when I am driving as well.
Or I turn the radio really really loud and sing crazily.
Maj loves when I do that.
Cool! I’m not the only one that does that!!
Sometimes?
I just cannot deal with arguing and discussing any more.
And so I SING!
Yay!
I think a lot of moms use that trick.
I know mine did.
Oh oh oh, seriously gasping for air. I love that!! I truly L.O.V.E it.
My girl twin 3 1/2 is so like this, she will finally state in her little voice that booms from that last row in the mini- Daddy just stop driving, pull this thing over and let mama drive it. You are going to freakin’ kill us all! ?(Yes, I refer to my mini van as the mini!! Makes me feel cooler, even thought..not so much. I do love pushing the door button to throw the kids in)!!
I think I should parent her, but I can’t, I just can’t. I totally agree!!
My husband has two back seat drivers, one is very small! but very loud!! I love Maj, she is a child after my own heart! We don’t have a Kallan….yet??
Great blog!! Great laughs, just what I needed tonight!
Amy
Daddy just stop driving, pull this thing over and let mama drive it. You are going to freakin’ kill us all!
That is just so awesome, I can’t even tell you.
From your 3 year old?
LOVE THAT!
Maj would have liked riding with my mother. 2 hands on the wheel. Nose in the windshield. Foot poised over the brake. My mother was the passenger from hell.
SLOW DOWN! STOP! OHOHOH!
Not that I would purposely push someone’s buttons.
Anyway. Poor Maj. She is so disrespected. .
I would never push Maj’s buttons.
Ahem.
Maybe a little.
There is no way for us to respect Maj’s every demand.
No fucking way.
Oh.my.gawddddddd I laughed so hard!!! This here, “TELL MOTHER TO STOP LAUGHING! IF I AM GOING TO DIE IN A FLAMING EXPLOSION? I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR HER LAUGH ABOUT IT!”, that cracked up … and now, now that I have a picture of her, I have a face to put with the crazy screaming and its even funnier … that innocent little face spewing the freaking out
I agree with Varda (SquashedMom), she is soooooo going to have little Kallanesque kids and you’ll get so much enjoyment and more laughter when they come to visit and tell you all the stories about their crazy ass mom lol
Maj does not photograph as she sounds.
At all.
And Maj’s eventual children?
Are so going to be like Kallan.
Oh, I hope I get to be here to see that.
Happy sighs at the thought.
Payback time when that backseat driver gets her license and YOU get to torment HER!
She will not find that funny.
At all.
Snicker.
Haha so true
I am going to have big fun, let me tell you.
OMG. I thought you said Maj was 11 — why do you insist on dropping the third 1 from her age? She and my grandmother would have seen eye-to-eye on car safety.
Incidentally, I probably should have checked with you first. In fact, I know I should have checked with you first. Now I’m all remorseful, and it hasn’t really even happened yet.
Maybe it won’t happen, and then I’ll feel silly even bringing it up. Maybe the departmental budget will be cut, or that doctoral candidate who was desperately looking for a dissertation topic will find something else. So I guess maybe there’s a chance I won’t get caught.
But then if I do get caught, it’s probably better to have warned you in advance (sorry, but I sometimes think out loud).
OK, I’m going to tell you. I asked the sociology department at Oregon State to look over your blog, and decide for themselves whether your family shouldn’t in fact be put under the microscope, as it were. After they changed their pants (ever been in a meeting where everyone had peed in their pants? Smells like one of those horrible old asylums. But I digress) they wiped the smiles off their faces and agreed that on the first Monday in January an entire team of Eager Beavers (I didn’t name the mascot, did I?) will arrive on your doorstep, to document every interaction between what the chairman of the department wryly termed “a somewhat unconventional family.” Hope it wins someone a dissertation prize.
I really am sorry that I forgot to ask you first, but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. Or maybe not to do. Or maybe to reflect on before acting.
You are a crazy person.
I have always been drawn to crazy people.
Swoon!
Seriously, babe.
You are delightfully mental.
Just don’t let my editor know, OK? I think she may still be unaware.
I hope she is not reading this, then.
I am giggly. And I needed giggly after my night of hell at the hospital last night…
Can you imagine what Maj will be like when she gets her license?
That will be all kinds of fun, I am sure.
Wait.
You were in the hospital?
Let me check your blog.
Nothing there.
What’s up, babe?
Had to take Randall to the hospital. After being there 8 hours they decided to admit him, again. Started as a flare up of gastroparesis and they found out during the day today that he has a virus of some sort, causing him to have a dangerously high fever…. So now I am left wondering how long he will be there and if he will get to spend Christmas in the hospital…
Sigh. Big, heavy, sad sighs.
And I am multitasking and writing a post as I do about 5 other things… But I am getting there, kinda.
Oh, I am so very sorry to hear that.
Just so you know?
Santa is all good with making a special trip to your house to do a special Christmas.
If Daddy is going to be in the hospital recuperating, Christmas can wait a few days.
Kaylee would understand.
You know she would.
I will keep my fingers crossed for your husband’s quick recovery.
Be strong, babe.
As I know that you are.
Thank you.
Last time I talked to him, he said he was feeling a little better. Which makes me feel a little better.
I was already planning on giving Santa a call to see if he could stop by whenever Randall gets out. (But I have hopes he will be out before the 25th)
We will see. I have everything crossed that can be.
All my fingers are crossed.
Typing is very difficult this way, as you might imagine.
I L-O-V-E your daughters!
Thank you!
I love them as well.
More than anything.
Oh my god. I was laughing so hard. That picture you sent me? They both like little angels. Not a 95 year old woman and a crazy evil genius.
Though sometimes? When my hubby drives? That would be my internal dialogue if I looked. Which I really try not to. Fortunately, I can read in the car & not get sick. Much better all around.
So why is it that you are Mother but Mark is Daddy????
And the BIG QUESTION – what was that shiny thing? Or were you laughing too hard?
I may have to think about posting a photo of the girls so that everyone can see the contrast between their angelic faces and their evil demeanor.
I have no idea why I am Mother and Mark gets to be Daddy.
No idea.
And no . . . we did not catch up with the truck before it left the freeway.
Pretty sure it was a pane of glass.
Or fire.
Snort!
Your granddaughters are going to be so much fun. The stories you’re going to tell them about their mother..swoon.
I could almost see this exact scene happening in my own car with my middle kid. He’s so dramatic. Some days, all I can do is laugh. Or when the noise is uncontrollable, I turn the radio is up & sing louder than they can yell. They just love that.
Oh my goodness!
You are me!
I love that!