Maj has rules where Christmas photos are concerned.
Sigh.
There has been a violation.
Her sister is not allowed to touch her during the photographic process.
Because if her younger sister touches Maj during the photographic process, Maj will freak the fuck out and scream like a crazy person and twist and flail and strike out until her younger sister is dislodged and possibly injured. And then the younger sister will be weeping, and Maj will be yelling angry tweenie curses of the “stupid-bootied” and “nasty disgusting creature” sort, and then Maj will be sent to her room. Which is just so completely unreasonable and ridiculous that Maj is not even able to put into words the absurdity of the situation.
This is all just hypothetical, you understand.
Sigh.
So I let Maj sit in her room for a while, and then I call her back downstairs.
Here she is . . .
All reasonable and curious, “Yes, Mother? What seems to be the problem? What problem do you have with me today, Mother?”
“Maj, you know what the problem is. I just wanted to take a photo of the two of you, and you freaked out.”
“I do not want Kallan touching me in this photo, Mother. I told you that. No touching.”
“Maj, it’s a Christmas photo. I was hoping to capture a small bit of sisterly love. I am not saying you have to let her stick her tongue in your ear, but if her shoulder happens to touch your shoulder? I do not think that is cause for hysteria.”
Maj does not hear all of that, because she gets stuck, “Did you just suggest that there is a world in which a person might stick a tongue in someone else’s ear? I cannot even believe that you just said that!”
“OK, but I said that Kallan will not be sticking her tongue in your ear. So we’re all good.”
“And now you said it again! Mother! Ears, Mother? Really? Ears have earwax!”
“OK, but Kallan will not be licking out your earwax.”
“Why do you keep talking about my ear and my sister’s tongue in the same sentence? You are driving me crazy!”
I am giggling, “Breathe, Maj.”
Maj is all annoyed, “That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of, Mother. I am never going to be able to stop thinking about that possibility where Kallan is concerned. Thank you for that, Mother. Thank you very much.”
Maj and I sit down on the couch together.
I rub her back, “Hey, babe? I would really like to get this photo taken today. So what does this Christmas photo look like in your mind? If it was perfect, what would it look like to you?”
Maj considers for a moment, and then she stands up and turns to face me, “Like this. And Kallan would be over there.”
Hmmmm . . . Maj is standing straight and tall with her arms locked at her sides, chin up, eyes defiant. Lips tightly pressed together to hide her new braces. She looks like she is headed off to war, a smallish soldier of anti-joy. Sigh.
And the spot she has indicated that her sister might stand and pose similarly?
About three feet away from where Maj is standing.
Snort!
I sigh, “OK, well . . . let me just take your picture so you can see how Christmassy it looks,” and I pull out my camera and snap a photo.
She sits back down beside me to examine the result.
She is not pleased, “You did that on purpose! I look mean and crabby!”
Snort!
So she poses again and I take another picture.
Demonic red-eyed smallish soldier of anti-joy.
Another picture.
Angry and mean.
Another picture.
Angry and mean.
Maj stomps her foot, “This is me trying to be friendly and pretty! Why do you keep messing it up?”
I scroll through the photos for her to examine again. She takes the camera from me and deletes all of those photos. She glares at me.
She puts her hands on her hips, “So if I agree to let Kallan sit with me and possibly touch me. And there will be no ears or tongues, Mother! If I sit right next to Kallan so that there is a chance of touching, can I decide other stuff?”
Uh oh.
“Like what?”
Maj has a list . .
1) She does not care for the outfit Kallan is wearing and would prefer her sister to change into a solid colored shirt.
2) She does not care for the dangling earrings her sister is wearing, and so those need to be removed.
3) She feels Kallan needs to do a better job of brushing her hair.
4) She wants Kallan’s hair to be pulled back and secured so no one can tell that Kallan has long hair.
5) She wants Kallan to pose so that it is not apparent in the photo that Kallan is taller than Maj.
6) Kallan’s smile should be subdued because Maj’s smile will be subdued (see note above about braces).
7) And finally? I am to keep Kallan from doing anything too “dramatic” in this photo.
Sigh.
So this will be fun.
____________________________________________
GUEST POST ALERT!
I have a fabulously inappropriate guest post up over at Tiffany’s blog.
And did you vote for me today on Top Mommy Blogs?
She’s going to make a really awesome drill sergeant one day.
Sigh.
She is going to be Queen of the World.
The paparazzi is going to have to watch their asses.
Maj has rules where photos are concerned.
Perhaps you should take their pictures separately and do that photo shop thingy.
It would be much easier.
No way.
Even if I end up using the photo of Maj whirling to escape her sister’s embrace?
They will appear in the same photo.
Damn it.
Oh goody!!
Battle of wills!
Oh, I know you’ll win. But it’ll make an awesome blog post.
We’ll see.
We have not yet tried again.
We’ll see.
Oh, Maj….
Maj has rules.
The rest of us are very annoying in our disregard of these rules.
Maj has a hard time with us.
Snort!
this is where one thinks that a Christmas card with the dog wearing a santa hat isn’t so strange afterall. Did you get the Christmasy, sisterly love shot?
Not yet.
We’re going to try again in just a few minutes.
I will keep you posted.
The dog would look cute in a Santa hat, though.
Hmmmm.
The first thought in my head was, “Oh no. Tongues and ears. Maj will not like foreplay when she is older.”
She will be the girl who hands her beau a list of things that are OK to touch and a list of things that he better stay away from. And if he doesn’t abide by those lists, he will be kicked to the curb!
Hee hee!
p.s. I like the votey link at the bottom! I remember to vote that way! ;) YAY for you! You’re number 3!
The thought Of Maj dating makes my stomach hurt on behalf of that poor poor boy.
Maj is going to be kicking serious boyfriend ass.
And I am still thinking about the link at the bottom.
Mostly, people seem to like it.
Maj dating is worthy of a sitcom.
10 Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter x a million.
Way fucking better than that shit that guy’s dad says.
Times a million indeed.
If Maj is still letting me blog about her when she starts to date?
There will be some awesome stories to tell.
She is so not going to let me tell those stories.
Just so you know.
Tongues in ears? I may go Maj on that one. But around ears & blowy things? Yeah that works. Blowy things work very well.
*comes back from memories* oh wait that was the other blog post with the memory stuff.
If it helps? My kids all fight when I try to put them together. The yowls & hisses sound like human kids. So no family pictures for the Xmas cards. That I did buy. And I may mail.
Hmm mail = male= sex
Yeah this is working. :)
See?
Sex makes everything better.
Including Christmas card photos.
Wouldn’t even need the girls to be home for that lovely plan!
But Mark vetoed.
Yes it does.
Though I would have like to see that picture. Too bad Mark vetoed it :)
Though I can hear Maj’s reaction in my head now lol
Maj would go ballistic.
It would be awesome.
Happy sighs at the thought.
Yeah, the one bad thing about having unhuman kids?
You miss out on all the fun of annoying and embarrassing them
Though I used to have nieces & nephews who I could annoy. Too far away now.
Neighbor children?
Not really. I am somewhat anti-social which so totally fits in my anti-social neighborhood.
We actually tried to talk to people but no one is ever really outside. I think it has to do with long commutes & too hot weather.
I can see why Maj would be appalled at the whole ear wax thing. When she makes her list of requirements for boyfriends, remind her to add – no ear fetishes.
No ear fetishes.
Got it.
This is going to be a long fucking list.
Oh, man. I HATE taking Christmas photos, too. I thought it was supposed to get easier as they got older instead of harder! Sounds like you’ve got a real handful. Hang in there!
More than a handful.
Much . . fucking . . . more.
We needed a new photo of the kids a month or two ago.
My kids like each other. They get over angst about the camera very quickly.
They have the stillness factor of a cracked-up cat.
140 shots.
One good photo.
So I guess, we win?
Snort!
Mine sit too still.
So that they look like plastic mannequins.
And then they speak out of the corners of their mouths, “Are you done yet? Are you done yet? Are you done yet?”
Yay!
Yeah.
You win.
I love how Maj always says “Mother”, because I can so see how she says it. Well, becasue that is exactly what I did when I was her age. Emphasize on the MO- and then -ther. MO-ther.
“NO! We can not put the christmas tree up without dad, MO-ther! NO! We can not make gingerbread christmas cookies, always sugar, MO-ther!”
Ah, sweet memories.
Yes, I have a post here somewhere called Muh-thur, in which I discussed Maj’s ability to make Mother sound like an angry curse.
Snort!
Here it is . . . http://www.prettyalltrue.com/2010/05/muh-thur/
Yes, it is a “Muh” not a “Mo”. I am going to go read it now, Muh-ther!
Yay!
I read it! Wonderful post as always. But even more wonderful this time.
:)
I commented too.
Good for me!
Happy sighs.
Stupid me.
You replied to my comment.
So you knew.
Sigh.
Hee hee!
I answer all comments.
No matter where you leave them.
Ohgreatgooglymoogly I thought my last year’s Christmas Card was hard for me to get done with the kids… There were no list of demands – oooopps! I mean list of requirements from my children. Did you finally get the pic done?
And even better – did Kallen do any of the list?
I’m off to laugh now! BWAHAHA! Thanks you took my mind off my broken toe!! Thanks!
M
And now?
The sun has set.
Oregon is annoying with its short period of daylight.
Sigh.
Tomorrow, maybe.
You’ll be posting them, right? Please, pretty please with sugar on top?
M
Ohhh!! What about the out-takes!! Can we see those?
M
I never put photos of the girls on my blog.
If only you were on my Christmas card list.
Snort!
Good luck with that. :)
If you need any help getting the girls to behave, just give me a call. I can talk to them. Make them listen. That would make a great post. But I would never actually mean that. I am not a wise old grandmother. Alas.
Someone posted right before me. So the “good luck with that” did not sound as right comeong after her’s. Sigh. :)
I do want to see the picture though… pleaseeeee. Teehee.
The girls are lovely and angelic for other people.
I should so have one of those other people take their Christmas card photo.
Except now they have challenged me.
And I will prevail.
post the picture!! Just black out their faces or draw faces on them lol. That would be a good way to get a good christmas card too lol
Snort!
If I black out their faces, the photos are not that interesting.
So you will just have to take my words for it.
As always.
My favorite pics of the kids are of their backs. Seriously. A couple years ago? The two of them looking out the window, just the cute backs of their cute little heads. Best Christmas Card photo ever. Hubs HATED it. My argument? “Everyone knows what they fucking look like, if you want their faces do it yourself.”
I win. As per usual.
Usually?
Photos are not that big a deal.
Maj has been all prickly lately.
I actually have an awesome photo of Kallan sitting next to a sheet of blonde-brown angry hair.
That would be Maj.
Snort!
God, I love your kids.
I am SO going to start telling people they are “stupid-bootied” when they piss me off!
Yes, my kids are fabulous.
I have no current photographic evidence of this fabulousness.
But they are fabulous.
No photographic evidence is necessary.
Your words convey their fabulousness.
Thanks, fabulous you!
Thank you.
it’s like my trying to get a toddler and a 17-year old cat to sit nice for a christmas photo.
sigh.
You have a 17 year old cat?
Wow.
Funny story. My girls have always been such hams! Even the dog likes to be in the pic.
Good luck with your picture rules!
Sigh.
Thank you.