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Want to see Pretty All True sitting at the top of the Top Mommy Blogs site? Click here!
That last one?
So fucking awesome, people. I am Number One!
I am a smallish and temporary queen of a diminutive hill, but damn if the view isn’t just fine from up here!
Thank you, people!
Thank you so very very much for your votes.
Happy sighs of gratitude.
So last night? I can’t sleep, what with all the excitement of being #1 on Top Mommy Blogs.
Snort! OK, that is a total lie. I am up at three in the fucking morning staring at the fucking ceiling trying to calm my breaths. Panic attacks in the middle of the night? Way fucking fun, let me tell you. OK, and now I have used the word fucking three times in this paragraph. Four if you count the time I just used it to point out how many times I used the word fucking. Wait . . . now it’s five.
Hello, new readers.
Fuck.
Anyway, I am wide awake and my heart is pounding and my hands are trembling and all I can think about is doom of the irrational sort. I shake out my hands and try to regulate my breathing. Try to match my breathing to Mark’s.
This is not as soothing as it might seem, because Mark snores and snorts when he sleeps.
So now I am wide awake and all oxygen deprived.
So I take deep breaths. Check the clock. 3:04 am.
Sing myself a little song.
Crystal Gayle.
Three o’clock in the morning
And it looks like it’s going to be
Another sleepless night
Remember that song? Such a stupid song about a woman lying in bed next to her lover obsessing about the happy sex sounds her lover is making while he sleeps.
Ack! What if he loves the dream woman more than he loves me?
So fucking stupid. Catchy, though.
You’ve been talking in your sleep
Sleeping in your dreams
With some sweet lover
Holding on so tight
Loving her the way
You used to love me
Talking in your sleep
with loving on your mind
OK, I am singing this song softly to myself.
Mark is snorting and snoring.
And now I am giggling hysterically. Because if Mark is dreaming about holding some sweet lover? He is rather pig-like in his affections.
Note to future or past self who, through the magic of time travel, has somehow not yet written this post: Do not pause in the writing of this post to Google pig fucker. You will regret that decision. Seriously.
You know what would be hilarious?
If I just had some way to record myself badly singing this song as Mark snores in the background. That would be awesome.
Oh my god . . . my iPhone has a voice memo thing on it!
OK, but Mark would KILL me if I recorded him snoring. One time a long time ago, I recorded his snoring to prove to him that he did in fact snore. He got so pissed.
So no Mark accompaniment.
I’ll just go in the bathroom and sing the song all by myself.
Damn, it’s cold in the bathroom at 3:00 in the morning. When you are naked.
Anyway.
Where is the voice memo thingie?
Careful with the camera app.
Recently, I was sitting in bed naked looking through old photos on my iPhone, and I accidentally took an iPhone photo of my naked self from the waist down.
And yes, that really happened. I don’t know how these things happen to me, but they do.
And no, you cannot see that photo. I deleted it. Immediately.
Before I accidentally emailed it to someone.
Snort!
Anyway. I sing the song into the voice memo thing on my iPhone. Or as much as I can remember. Climb back into bed.
Play it back for myself as Mark snores beside me.
So much giggling.
He is totally fucking a pig.
And I am all melancholy and sad and hopeful that he loves me best of all.
Snort! (and that would be a piggy snort, not one of my usual laughing snorts)
Good thing Mark is a very sound sleeper.
I know I am going to regret this.
But you did make me #1 on Top Mommy Blogs.
Fuck it.
With my sincere apologies to Crystal Gayle.
Let’s just not tell Miss Gayle about this, OK?
Shhhhhh.
ooo, I’m first? ok, so no real comment, just wanted to be first :)
You are a loon!
Go back and read.
Silly you.
execpt to say that i couldn’t get the link here at work :(
Yes, well . . . I could see where your workplace might frown on you listening to bad renditions of Crystal Gayle songs.
Come back later!
gonna wait til Hubby falls asleep so I can get the full effect!
Snorty snoring giggles.
That? Was fucking hilarious!
And my Mark doesn’t believe he snores either. Going to bed with iPhone tonight ;-)
xoS
Hee hee!
If I didn’t seriously think he would get his feelings hurt?
I would so post a version with his snoring in the background.
It would be awesome!
You’ll just have to use your imagination for that part.
Snort!
I’m with Marie:
a) You don’t sound like what I imagined either. Not that I’ve been imagining your voice all the often, but…you know, occasionally ;-)
b) You do so have a good voice. Really.
Don’t argue!
a) And so what did you imagine, exactly?
b) Ack! I am more comfortable with mocking than praise. Ack!
I think I expected an older, gravelly voiced shrew ;-)
Oh God, I am laughing so hard now!
Annoying.
Sassy you.
Yes. I am occasionally annoying ;-)
Snort!
Love that.
1. You don’t sound at all like I expected.
2. You have a GREAT singing voice, lady!
3. I haven’t laughed this hard in quite a while. Off to give you a freaking GLOWING Amazon review!
1) What did you expect me to sound like, exactly?
2) Ack. I do not. Mark is playing it all loudly at this very moment and giggling hysterically.
3) Thanks, you. Thank you very much.
I can imagine you giggling to yourself as you sing with a snorey background. Hubby dear snores. He swears I keep him awake snoring. Hubby dear LIES.
And? I played the song for a giggle.
And sat here singing with you. I’d forgotten how much I liked that song.
You sing just fine.
I am going to kick ASS at stripperoke.
Snort!
Can we have stripperoke at the nudie-bowl?
Are you thinking several nights a week or nightly? Screw it. Every night at the nudie-bowl we will have stripperoke.
That?
Is genius!
I’m just combining two great ideas. 80% of the time that works out well for me.
Especially when it concerns sex or nudity.
Yes, I would think your odds of success would go up considerably if sex or nudity are involved!
Yay!
You are much more productive during your 3am panic attacks than I am. Also? That wasn’t bad at all (but I’ve never heard the original)
You notice I didn’t link the original.
I am not an idiot.
ok seriously kris.. you made my day. I am sitting here, in my cubicle giggling and snorting.
You’ve got balls to post that, plus you’re pretty GOOD!
I left you a glowing review, and an email because Christmas cards are FUN!
And yours will likely put a smile on my face.
Loves
I do have balls.
Happy sighs that you noticed.
Happy to have made you giggle.
Love that!
And now I am thinking of you… with balls…
Jingly ones, for some reason LOLLLL!!
They would of course be jingly.
I am all Christmas spirity over here.
Perhaps a little mistletoe as well.
Snort!
I just have to say…..
You have the best fucking tags of any blog, that ever has been, ever will be, or even thought of.
And now, I am off to NOT Google Pig Fucker.
I love my tags.
So very much.
Kris,
In SEO news, I spent some time looking at “top” mommy blogs yesterday. As impossible as it is to believe, NOT ONE of them mentioned Pig Fucker. I know. Sad. And they call themselves humor writers.
And Crystal? Swoon. Not bad for a coal miner’s daughter. The less-successful one.
Nope, I will not listen to your song. Anyone can sing badly. Like me. Nope, unless you are accompanied by Mark on pig noises, or the Hee-Haw guys (whose link I cannot add, damn), can’t go there.
And Google? Is your bitch now.
Bill
I know, right?
My favorite definition of Pig Fucker, by the way?
From http://www.urbandictionary.com.
A term used to describe an individual who has sex with barnyard animals which, in this case, are pigs.
Used in a sentence: Pete is an incestuous pig fucker.
Incestuous pig fucker? Oh my god, that made me laugh.
And you do not even need to listen to the song, Bill.
I probably wouldn’t click such a link on your blog either.
Snort!
Omg? If incestuous is having sex with a family member, it’s probably ok that Pete is a pig fucker.
Since that would make him a swine.
Yup. I’ll leave it at that.
Yes, best to leave it at that.
…or at least part swine…
hehehe
Ack!
DAY-mn sister!!!! You sound pretty good for 3 am!
Your voice is lovely and also, not at all what I expected! Not that I expected it to be UN-lovely or anything, just, I don’t know. You’re actually real! Ha!
I love blogland. And your 3 am singing. Oh, and your Christmas card idea. All of those things. Oh, and OF COURSE, you. :)
So funny.
Of course I am real! And not even swearing!
And while I am happy that you love me so extravagantly?
If there is ever a backlash?
That shit is going to be fierce.
I’m with Ms. OftheSea up there. You do not sound one bit, when you’re covering Crystal Gayle, like you do when you speak through your printed words into my head.
This is not a bad thing, just an observation.
And, oh, if I had a voice memo function on my phone? My Mark would be in so much trouble!
I have mentioned many times that my written words are my thought bubbles.
My spoken words?
And my musical words?
Softer and more vulnerable.
I am all opposing forces in my mind.
Mostly, that works.
Do you take requests from the audience? How about her version of River Road. Particularly the version with the Muppets, sung partially in French. We’re all ears!
PS for someone who reportedly doesn’t like C & W, you have highly-evolved tastes. A regular Taylor Swift!
You know damn well I take no requests of any sort.
I only do what I want to do.
Snort!
Did you just suggest that Taylor Swift is a metaphor for having highly evolved taste?
Not even.
I love this: “You know damn well I take no requests of any sort.”
FUCK yes.
Love you, babe.
So very much.
That was hilariously excellent!
I love the singing…seriously was that at 3am? Where’s the groggy voice?
So are you ever going to let us see a picture of YOU?
BTW, my sister videotaped her husband snoring one night and sent it to the entire family. He sounded like a freakin lawnmower.
I did not have a fuzzy 3:00 am voice because I was all fucking wide awake.
And I hate photos. I am more comfortable with singing than photos.
Really.
And no, I am not freakish.
Just a regular woman with issues.
Mark would seriously KILL me if I sent his family a tape of him snoring.
Kill me.
Def a bedroom voice, kid.
I’ve always wished I could do a Barry White-type bedroom voice as a come-on. *sigh*
Thank you!
Although technically, I was in the bathroom.
Snort!
That was pure gold.
Thanks, lovely you.
So I’m having a hard time wrapping my teeny, tiny brain around the fact that you are the #1 Mommy Blogger!!!
I think you should be the #1 blogger of all the internet universe.
But #1 Mommy Blogger?
You are a fuckin’ mommy blogger like I am a regular, blog-every-day kind of gal.
Also?
Crystal Gayle doesn’t have anything to worry about.
Although?
I’m amazed that you can remember song lyrics from 25 years ago verbatim AND at 3:00 in the morning!
Nicely played.
Shhhh . . . no one seems to have noticed that I am not actually a regular mommy blogger over there at Top Mommy Blogs.
I am a mom. I blog.
Hush.
As for Miss Crystal Gayle? As I mentioned elsewhere in these comments, there is a reason I did not link her version.
Because holy crap, that woman can sing.
And I cannot.
But I fucking rule my bathroom.
Snort!
As for the lyrics?
I am a woman of words.
My brain is filled with words.
Seriously.
Since half your blogs are about the joys of living with you kids, you ARE a mommy blogger. Or at least a Muh-ther blogger :)
I did I say congrats? It is well deserved.
Oh, I will take that!
I am a Muh-Ther blogger!
Yay!
Seriously, if I could NOT remember song lyrics I think I could rule the world. So much space in my brain is filled with ridiculous song lyrics. People are constantly amazed by my ability to join in with nearly any song that is suggested, starts playing in the background or randomly pops into my head. I’ve yet to find this talent useful (besides random party tricks), but I am still hopeful.
I don’t know that I am quite as impressive as you are, but lyrics are definitely taking up more room in my brain than I would like.
I pay attention to words when I listen to music. I like words. And the words stick.
Lots of lyrics stuck in my head.
Lots of words.