If you somehow missed the party that was yesterday?
Please go check that out.
It was awesome.
I went to bed last night feeling all sappy and goofy and filled with gratitude.
That’s not me, people.
So today?
Not your average Christmas Eve post.
We’ll start out normal . . .
Maj and Kallan and I are making an apple pie.
The girls work carefully together to unroll the bottom crust into the pan. Cut off the edges. Fill the pie with yumminess. Top crust. Tuck and crimp. Little melted butter and sugar over the top. Into the oven it goes.
I would say that the kitchen starts to fill with the holiday redolence of apples and sugar and cinnamon, but in actuality?
The kitchen smells of Labrador farts.
Sigh.
“Hey, Mom? Can we have the leftover pie crust scraps?”
I imagine they want to eat them, “Sure.”
Maj and Kallan carefully split up the raw dough.
And then because this is my family and these are my daughters?
They launch into a detailed faux-infomercial for facial hair crafted from pie dough.
Really.
Have you ever wished that you could look like Billy the Exterminator?
Do you have a girlfriend who says you would be cuter with a beard?
Are you a kid, but you just can’t wait for some hair to grow on your upper lip?
Have you always dreamed of looking homeless?
Then this is your lucky day!
For just $19.99, we’ll send you a fully moldable piece of pie dough that can be fashioned into whatever face hair you would like. Your friends and family will be stunned and amazed at your sudden manly matureness! Why wait for Mother Nature when you can look like a man right now?
If you act now? We’ll send a second fully moldable piece of pie dough for free!
Plus shipping and handling.
That’s right!
For only $19.99 and then an additional shipping and handling fee of $19.99, we will send you not one, but TWO pieces of moldable facial splendor.
The girls cavort about the kitchen making up new fabulous product pitches and modeling various facial hair products of pie dough.
Seriously . . . I could not love these girls any more.
They get bored with the infomercial . . . put their heads together for a bit.
They both start working seriously on rolling out their dough into snake-like shapes.
And then each girl works to craft a smaller twirly shape that she attaches to the end of the snake.
Oh wait . . . not snakes.
Slugs.
Mating slugs.
Snort!
We have a lot of slugs here in Lake Oswego. Banana Slugs are the girls’ favorite, but we also have Leopard Slugs. Leopard slugs are large and spotted and they are everywhere.
One warm summer evening this past summer, the girls called me out onto our front porch to see something fabulous.
“The slugs are being all crazy!”
And so I hurried out (although hurrying was not required, because these are slugs . . . duh) to see what had so entranced the girls.
It was rather spectacular.
Hanging from the eaves of our front porch were two enormous leopard slugs, suspended magically from a rope of slime. The slugs were wrapped around one another tightly, and then beneath the slugs but obviously somehow a part of the slugs?
Was a strange lavender-blue twisted mass that was almost flowery in shape and seemingly lit from within.
Hmmmm.
Obviously the slugs were mating. But I was a little iffy on the details of what we were looking at.
We moved on with our lives, but these weird leopard slug couplings kept dangling in our yard.
So we went to Google it. The girls and I together, all gathered around the computer.
Ummm . . . yikes!
OK, so it turns out slugs are hermaphrodites, meaning that they each contain all of the female and male sex organs, but that they need to fuck another slug to reproduce. Obviously this makes procreation simple as they don’t need to find a girl or a boy slug, they just need to find a slug.
That was way fun to explain to the girls.
Alright, so when they mate? They suspend from this string of slime and wrap themselves up in one another.
And then? From behind the head of each slug? Emerges a giant iridescent lavender-blue penis.
Not even kidding.
And then these two giant penises? Wrap around one another and form the writhing flower shape that we saw dangling below the two slugs on our front porch.
The pretty flower shape? Penises.
Kallan had thought that writhing mass was baby slugs, so she was all kinds of creeped out to discover she had been oohing and ahhing over slug dicks.
Hee hee!
Each of the penises ejaculates into the other slug (and I am assuming here that the ejaculate must pass back and forth between the two penises, but our research was not extensive enough to explain exactly how this works).
And then each slug falls to the ground and heads off to lay an egg sac, which will eventually birth baby slugs.
Oh, but I left out a good part.
After the mating?
The slugs are apparently unable to extricate their penises from one another, and so they eat them.
Yes, that is correct.
After the hermaphroditic slugs fuck one another? They eat one another’s dicks.
OK, so that was also fun to explain to the girls.
Hee hee!
A lovely science lesson gone horribly awry.
Back to our kitchen this morning and the pie dough model of mating slugs.
Maj is all serious, “Can we use a little blue food coloring for the twirly slug parts whose name I am not saying because it is the day before Christmas and that would be gross?”
Kallan and Maj both look at me hopefully.
“No, ladies . . . no glowing blue slug penises of pie dough.”
Maj and Kallan giggle hysterically.
Happy sighs.
Love those girls.
The pie?
Came out perfectly.
Merry Christmas Eve.
With much love from our family to yours.
Kris, Mark, Maj, and Kallan
OMG! Merry Christmas and thank you for the science lesson on slug dicks. I have lived in Seattle my entire 40 years and have NEVER seen THAT! now I will certainly run screaming from THAT!
And the infomercial? awesome!
Hilarious as always Kris…thank you for all the laughs and apparently lessons this year. xoxo
Merry Christmas, you!
Slug dicks and pie dough mustaches . . .
It could not be any other way at our house.
I love this family.
And . . .
I love you.
Priceless! That was a wonderful Christmas Eve story. So typical for Maj & Kallan. Have a wonderful holiday. Love to you all.
Maj and Kallan are always Maj and Kallan.
Even on Christmas Eve.
They are awesome.
Have a wonderful Christmas!
Love to your family.
Slug dicks. Hahah!
And they say all the good band names are taken.
Merry Christmas Eve!
There should SO be a band called The Slug Dicks!
Oh, that would be all sorts of awesome.
Merry Christmas, geniusy you!
Merry Christmas.
omg that was almost as good as discovery channel ;o) who knew slugs were so creative and colorful
Merry Christmas Eve to your family!
Merry Christmas, lovely you!
Who knew Christmas eve would turn out to be so sluggy romantic? I’m off to watch A Christmas Story (the best holiday movie of all time) and eat myself silly!
I will probably however keep wandering back to that image in my mind…
Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
Love & Martinis to all…
We will be watching that EXACT movie in just a few hours.
I adore that movie . . . a Christmas Eve tradition at our house.
Happy sighs.
Cheers to you, and a very Merry Christmas!
Okay, so I must admit something.
This whole slug thing was all so crazy to me that I just had to Youtube it.
Yes.
I searched for leopard slug porn.
Anyhow.
Now? I cannot decide if I find this absolutely beautiful, or absolutely disgusting. I feel sick and amazed at the very same time.
The whole glowing blue flower shape? Gorgeous. But the reality of it all? Yuckity yuck yuck.
Thanks for sharing. :)
There is an awesome sexy slug YouTube video.
I didn’t link it, because the photo?
Really did capture it.
But the video is pretty awesome.
Snort!
Love you.
Merry Christmas!
Yes, that seductive music really did add a nice effect.
Merry Christmas :)
It so did.
I am all giggly.
It so did.
Merry Christmas, you!
Kris,
Merry Christmas and blessings to youse guys from us guys down under. I can now think of two reasons Santa did not choose slugs to pull his sleigh.
Bill
Bill -
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
And thanks so much for the hysterical giggling.
Sexy slugs pulling Santa’s sleigh?
I am dying.
Oh, I adore you.
Kris
Slug penises on Christmas Eve? Who would ever have thought.
Merry Christmas to you all!
Slug penises are all kinds of festive!
Snort!
Merry Christmas, you!
Have a fabulous holiday!
Dear lord. Sometimes? Mother nature is disturbing. I’m not even sure how I would explain that to my kids. They’re only 5…so I’m not sure they’re ready for the entwined penis conversation.
Also? I’m desperately trying to stifle my giggling, as I’m sitting between Hub & Boo and don’t really want to figure out how to explain what I’m giggling about…
Merry Christmas! And congratulations on yesterday. :)
Mother Nature is sometimes way disturbing.
Way.
But the slugs?
The girls’ favorite science lesson since moving to Oregon.
By far.
And thank you.
Yesterday was so fun.
Merry Christmas, you!
Omg. Edible slug dicks that look like a beautiful but slimy flower.
I think I’m confused. Grossed out and fascinated all at once.
And the informercial? Priceless. Especially the second one free for a small shipping fee? I love it! Especially the shipping fee.
And? A very Merry Xmas to you and your family. Even the stinky Labrador :)
Snort!
I love my daughters . . . they are so awesome.
And a very Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Eat their dicks eh? Hmmm…
;)
Merry Christmas!
Hee hee!
That was my favorite part as well.
Merry Christmas!
Wow. Just, WOW!
In all seriousness, a very interesting science lesson.
Snort!
The girls thought so as well.
Merry Christmas, you!
Homemade apple pie.
Pie dough facial hair.
Pie dough slugs.
Lots of slugs in Lake Oswego.
Slugs on the porch.
Slug penises and slug sex.
And so now? Apple pie will always make me think of hermaphrodite slug sex with blue flower-like penises.
Happy Holidays!!!
And seriously?
That’s all I hoped to accomplish here today.
Yes!
Happy holidays, you.
Penises of pie dough … ha!
Merry Christmas, Kris!!
Snort!
Merry Christmas to you as well!
Merry Christmas Kris, Kallan, Maj, and Monkey Hands!!! :)
Merry Christmas, Ben!
Much love, babe.
Much love.