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Kallan has some Christmas money to spend at Target, and she is thinking about buying a pair of boots. I have told her she may choose whatever boots she likes that she can afford.
Maj is incredulous, “Seriously, Mother? Shouldn’t there be some boot purchasing guidelines?”
“Nah, I don’t care. If she buys stupid boots, she buys stupid boots. It’s her money.”
Maj is annoyed, “No . . . not stupidity guidelines. Heel guidelines! Don’t you know how much I hate it that she is taller than I am? If she buys boots with heels, I am going to be scarred for life. Mother . . . I will be scarred for life. She will tower over me and I will be scarred.”
She stares at me angrily, “Scarred. For life, Mother. Do you know what that means?”
Hmmmm, “Does it mean that you will suffer irreparable emotional harm that you will carry with you like a wound? A wound that will eventually be replaced by thick scar tissue, but which will always be . . . a wound?”
Maj stomps her foot, “So you do not care how unhappy I will be if Kallan tallens herself? You don’t care at all?”
“Ok, first of all? Tallens is not a word. And second of all? Your younger sister is taller than you are. That’s just a fact. I am not going to make her wear flat shoes just because you are shorter than she is.”
“You’re going to let her buy boots with heels? She is 9 years old. She will probably trip and break her ankle. That’s good mothering, right there. Letting a 9 year old buy dangerous boots.”
I laugh, “Well, if she does break an ankle, she’ll have crutches. And Kallan on crutches will be shorter than you are! It’s all part of my evil master plan, Maj.”
Maj looks at me, eyebrows raised.
I put my arm around her as we follow Kallan through the aisles, “See, Maj? I’ve got your back.”
We find Kallan in the next aisle trying on a pair of boots.
Women’s faux-leather zip-up boots that rise to just below her knee. On a grown woman, they would be mid-calf, but they look fine on Kallan. Both Maj and Kallan now wear a size 5 ½ or 6 in women’s shoes, and Kallan is beyond thrilled to leave the little kid section behind.
Kallan struts up and down the aisle, delighted with the chunky-heeled boots.
Maj is aghast as she stands next to her sister, “I look like a dwarf! People are going to think I am a dwarf!”
Snort!
Kallan is all helpful, “Ummm . . . Maj? I don’t think it is possible for me to find boots that make you look tall when you stand next to me.”
I wave my hands as Kallan smirks and Maj sputters, “Ladies, that’s enough. Kallan, buy the boots you want. Maj, I love you, but Kallan is taller than you are. That may change, but right now? She’s taller than you are. Worry about something else. Nothing to be done about this issue.”
Maj sits crankily down and waits for her sister to make a decision.
Kallan is all pleased with the boots she has tried on.
She hands them to me, “Can you hold these, Mom? I just want to check one more time to make sure these are the ones I want.”
“Sure, babe.”
Kallan disappears for a few minutes.
And then reappears.
Kallan reappears, her face lit with joy, wearing a pair of black suede boots.
On a grown woman, these boots are intended to rise above the knee, but on Kallan?
They rise quite a bit higher.
It’s not good.
Maj’s eyes pop right out of her head, “Kallan, are you kidding me? That is totally inappropriate! What are you going to wear them with . . . underwear? That’s all the room that’s left.”
Kallan is indignant, “What? No, I will wear them with leggings! I like them!”
She reaches down to caress the length of her legs encased in black suede, and turns to me, “What do you think, Mom?”
“Ummmm . . . I think that boots should not actually be able to touch your girl parts while you are wearing them.”
Kallan is annoyed, “This is how they are supposed to fit!”
“No, babe . . . you are shorter than the intended wearer of those boots. I promise you that’s not how they are supposed to fit.”
We stand there for a moment, and then I cave, “Listen, Kallan. I told you that you could buy the boots you wanted. If those are the ones you want, fine. It’s your money, and you need to be happy with the boots you choose.”
Immediately, I want to take these words back . . . oh please, let Kallan make the right decision.
Maj turns to me in shock.
The three of us stand there in silence as Kallan considers her options.
I see Mark heading our way, probably curious about what’s taking us so long.
His eyebrows shoot way up onto his forehead as he approaches us and takes in Kallan and her hooker boots. He looks at me questioningly, and I shrug my shoulders hopelessly.
He frowns at me for a second, but then smiles a big smile as he turns to Kallan, “You look like you’re all set for trout-fishing!”
And then?
We all turn and stare at Kallan.
And she suddenly looks like a smallish fisherman wearing black waders.
Kallan sees this new reality in our faces.
And whatever magic the long black suede boots held?
That magic is gone.
Thank god.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love Mark?
Swoon!
Your husband? Is awesome! What a way to get her to not buy those boots! Awesome!!
My sister is two years younger than I am and she has been taller than I am for many years. She’s about 2-3 inches taller. It doesn’t bother me anymore because now people think she’s older! Ha! My sister-in-law is very tall, right at six feet. I made her stand on the step below me for wedding photos because then no one is allowed to be taller than me!
Also? I was FIRST!!!! I’m such a little kid!
Mark is so awesome.
My younger sister is the same height that I am. My much younger half-sister is far taller than I am. And all of my brothers? Are way fucking taller than I am.
I feel Maj’s pain.
But there is not much I can do.
Kallan gets to be the height she is.
Sigh.
And you are an awesome first!
Silly you.
Mark just earned his keep, for sure. “Trout-fishing” in hooker boots, hee-hee! Thanks for a bit of giggly cheer. I am limp from being out throwing snowballs with the boys in the blizzard, making our way slowly home from the awesome Swedish Christmas party we’d attended earlier.
Oh, that sounds like you have had a very good day indeed!
So glad you stopped by to giggle.
Now I want to throw snowballs.
Rainballs are not as magical.
Really.
Oh my gosh. That is to funny for words. I remember when I moved out of the kids shoes and into the adult world. And then my mother (with her freakishly small feet) proceeded to steal all my cute new shoes. It was a short lived thrill moving up.
Glad, in the end, Kallan passed on the hooker boots. And poor Maj. Hope she grows soon – or you could by her sympathy boots to make her as tall as (?) Kallan.
So funny!
I wear a 6 1/2 in shoes, and soon the girls will wear the same size.
But guess what?
I hate cute shoes, and wear gym shoes whenever possible.
So they have nothing to fear from me.
No shoes to borrow from me, either.
Kallan has already pointed that sadness out.
Snort!
ahahahahahahahaaa hooker boots … Mark is way awesome and such a smart dad lol
Mark is a way smart dad.
How I love that.
I tallen myself all the time with shoes. Totally get what Maj is saying. The hubs is a foot and one inch tallener than me. If I wear flats, people comment on my dwarfism. 5’2″ isn’t that short but next to a taller person…it is. I feel her pain. I’m also on a sugar high so possibly not making sense.
I’m 5’2″, and I hate heels with a passion.
So I am all short all the time.
I’m used to it.
Maj is not going to be a tall woman.
She is annoyed with her genetics.
Snort!
Bwahahaha! Love Kallan!
And what’s the deal with “download” or “play now” for WhiteSmoke.com? It was in place of the vote link at the bottom of the post. The vote link was back when I clicked on comments.
Thanks, you!
As for the voting link?
If there was any misdirection, that fault is with Top Mommy Blogs.
I don’t touch that link.
Stupid Top Mommy Blog people.
What the fuck is whitesmoke?
Apparently, WhiteSmoke.com is a spelling/grammar checker. Dunno why it showed up in the vote link location.
Yeah, I don’t know what the hell is up with that.
All my sisters are taller than me except the youngest one. She’s only 15 though so that could change. Next time Maj complains tell her to be happy she doesn’t have four younger sisters who are taller than she is.
Although that actually probably isn’t much consolation.
Guess Maj will have to learn to love high heels.
No, Maj would not find that to be consoling news.
Maj’s height is back in her consciousness, because the endocrinologist guessed last summer that she would grow a certain amount by January.
Maj has grown something much less than that guessed amount.
She does not want to talk to the endocrinologist again.
And she does not want to be told that this is as tall as she is going to get.
I know that’s what she fears.
Sigh.
That was the most awesome save ever!
And my 27 yr old, now has 2 kids daughter? Barely breaks 5′. She makes up for it in attitudeness. I’m thinking Maj will be just fine.
Did Mark take Kallan to the sports department to check out fishing gear? Some of those lures would make dandy earrings to go with those hot waders.
Maj and I discussed this just the other day.
Maj said, “People are going to think I am a kid forever.”
And I said, “Only until you open your mouth and tear them to shreds.”
And then she smiled.
She has all the attitudeness required to be a very short person.
Snort!
Oh, and thank god those boots did not come home with us.
So grateful for Mark.
So grateful.
My sister is 5 years younger than me.
She is also taller than me. Much taller than me.
Luckily I am very comfortable with my 5’4″ stature with or without heels!
Hopefully Maj will learn to love her height! She’s a gorgeous kid…she doesn’t need the extra inches!
Yeah . . . Maj would love to be promised an eventual height of 5’4″.
The reality is probably something significantly less than that.
But whatever her height?
Maj is going to be an awesome woman.
And she is going to kick some serious ass.
And yes.
She is gorgeous.
Thank you.
yeah, hooker boots.
dads have a way to make anything cool? totally uncool.
I am ever so hopeful that Mark continues to have this skill.
Yay!
my dad STILL has this skill.
Snort!
That’s pretty awesome that he still has that power to make you uncool.
I love that.
I am 5’7″.
I am the midget of my family.
At 5’7″ I am the midget.
It is MOST unfortunate.
Although Himself is only 5’9, so…it sort of works.
I feel for Maj though. When my “little” brother finally overtook me in the height department I wore heels for weeks.
He’s 6’4″ now.
I’d have to wear fucking stilts.
Which, let’s be honest, I do NOT have the coordination for.
And we all know it.
PS – Mark is bril-fucking-liant.
PPS – I had to type that out three times before I was satisfied with the spelling.
PPPS – I first typed “smelling” instead of “spelling.” Thank heavens I looked somewhat closely.
You are 5’7″???
You are a giant!
I so thought you were short . . . why did I think that? That’s so funny! I envisioned you as about my height. Hmmmph.
And Mark is bril-fucking-liant.
I love your spelling.
5’7″?
Really?
Yes. I am a 5’7″ midget.
That is crazy.
All those wrestling moves I envisioned using on you in our recent battle?
Would have been sadly miscalculated.
Snort!
In my head, everyone always knows what I look like.
I just figured you had some serious leverage moves planned.
Well, now that I know what is required?
I will be bringing the leverage, babe.
I so will.
I am a 5’7″ giant. all of my friends are MUCH shorter than I am. As in sometimes I wonder if they have to have a booster seat in the driver seat sort of short. at 5’7″? I am goliath.
A secret?
Whenever we get a new car?
I do in fact check to be sure that I can drive it comfortably.
I don’t want to be all shoved up into the air bags in order to reach the pedals.
Ahem.
hahaha!! so I think I know what the fishing boots look like because my 18 yo daughter just bought them. they don’t touch her girl parts since she is 5’9″. the visual of your sweet Kallan is priceless.
The image of Kallan in those boots?
It was fabulous.
I am so glad she didn’t buy those boots, but the image of her shining happy face as she stood all the way to her girl parts in those boots?
Oh, I am going to treasure that memory.
Hee hee!
also, my daughter was very specific about her boot specifications. No black leather, only suede because otherwise she will look like a pirate? that may or may not have been the wrong thing to say to Kallan. Good thing Mark choose the fishing.
Hee hee!
Kallan would have been delighted to hear she looked like a girl pirate!
De-ligh-ted.
Snort!
Hilarious. I’m surprised Maj didn’t say “Hey let’s go get you that pole.”
If Maj knew about stripper poles?
She so would have said that.
Yes.
OK, and now I am giggling hysterically.
You meant a fishing pole.
I am dying.
Well played, Mark.
What’s the strategy for when Kallan wants to have purple hair, a hugely pierced nose and a pirate eye patch/glass eyeball? Probably no need to worry just yet, not for at least a month.
So glad I have only a son.
Bill
Kallan has had purple hair.
I am all fine with purple hair.
And she wants to get her belly-button pierced . . . but not until she is older.
I’m good with that as well.
And I could even live with the pierced nose.
Really.
But what the fuck is up with your vision of a glass eyeball?
That’s weird, you.
Way weird.
Two things:
1) I’m 5’8″ and always wanted to be shorter. In Maine, everyone is short. I felt like a giant.
2) I am so happy that Katie has a dad to stop her in her hooker tracks. Happy anticipatory sighs. Or is that anticipatory happy sighs?
I’m tired and I have a raging head cold…be kind. ;)
Mark’s a rockstar. He so is.
Oh for god’s sake . . .
First Lori and now you?
You are 5’8″?
Geez.
Go take care of yourself, babe.
Get some sleep.
Tomorrow is another big day.
Love you.