People? I wish you all a very joyous and fabulous Christmas.
Taking a short-cut today . . . Christmas at our house is just as busy as it is for most of you.
So I present my Christmas Newsletter.
And yes, this is really the newsletter I sent out to friends and family.
Do you not know me at all?
Merry Christmas!
Imagine . . .
Maj and Kallan and I are stringing lengths of popcorn and cranberries. We work together companionably, the joking and laughter occasionally punctuated by a sudden “Ow!” as one of us stabs herself with a needle.
None of us is needle-gifted.
Ow!
I agree to hang the strings from the curtain rod above the large dining room window. As I stand on the chair, and reach above my head to tie the end of the thread to the curtain rod? The dogs dance with happy anticipation below me. It occurs to me that if I drop this string, the dogs will eat it, and that will be both sad and disgusting.
So I yell for Mark, who appears with his iPhone in his hand.
I ask him to hold his hands below the string as I tie it so that it doesn’t fall to the dogs.
He is not listening to me.
I ask him again.
He is not listening to me.
“Mark! Could you give me a hand, please?”
He puts down his phone and walks over to where I am standing on the chair.
He just stands there. So annoying. I glare at him, “Could you hold the bottom, please?”
He stands there, confused.
Oh my god . . . “Babe! Hold it so it doesn’t fall!”
He is still puzzled, “What do you want me to hold?”
I laugh, “Hold my butt, babe. I feel like my butt needs support in this moment. Don’t worry about the string of cranberries and popcorn, which is the only reasonable thing I could be asking you to hold. You just hold my butt.”
Maj and Kallan giggle.
Mark is annoyed, “No reason to get all sassy. I am happy to hold the end of the string.”
Kallan rushes forward to cup her hand under one of my butt cheeks, “Daddy, don’t worry about Mom’s butt. Maj and I can take care of this!”
And then Maj rushes forward as well to cup her hand under my other butt cheek.
I am giggling hysterically. I cannot even breathe, much less tie the ends of the string to the curtain rod. The dogs mill about at our feet, confused but hopeful. Mark cups his hand below the string. Each girl cups a butt cheek.
A lovely family holiday scene, all framed in the large dining room window.
I gasp for breath, “Oh, if only there was some way for this to be our Christmas photo! That would be awesome!”
And then we are all giggling hysterically.
The point?
We are doing fabulously.
I am still insane . . . but I have all the support I need.
Snort!
And by the way?
We are now living in Oregon. We have been here almost a year. If I get lame-ass excuses from you about how you sent our Christmas card to our old address? I am going to mock you.
Merry Christmas, people!
Much love,
Mark, Kris, Maj, and Kallan
2010
People?
All my love this Christmas Day.
Kris
I Love it! I agree it would have been a marvelous Christmas photo but more importantly you have the memory.I love moments like that..oozing with love,giggles and snark..REAL! Merry Christmas my friend, glad to know our littles can not only be pains in our asses but support them when needed as well:)LOL
Merry Christmas, lovely you.
Yes . . . to all that you have said.
Yes.
And happy sighs.
And Merry Christmas to you and yours!
I took a minute out from insanity to stop by. For balance and saneness.
You stopped by Pretty All True for balance and sanity?
You are doomed.
Merry Christmas!
But you are doomed.
I had my husband read the Christmas letter. His befuddled response – what do you do on the internet all day? I’m not sure if that is a complement. I thinks so. He uses the internet to read about cars. Exclusively.
Ahem. Merry Christmas to you and your delightful family.
Hee hee!
I love that your husband is befuddled.
I will take that as a compliment.
I’m sure that’s how he meant it.
Snort!
Merry Christmas!
Wow: you don’t seem very sympathetic to Mark and Maj. Did either suffer shoulder strains or other ailments as a result of supporting you massive butt cheeks?
Mark was only holding popcorn and cranberries, so he was uninjured.
I soothed the girls’ various aches and pains with promises of cookies.
Smart-ass.
Snort!
Oops, mean your massive butt cheeks, not you massive butt cheeks (the latter would be the insult I’d hurl: “Hey, you, Massive Butt Cheeks”) Obviously I need a good proofreader. Know one whose services I might retain?
I am all giggly at the idea of you calling anyone “Massive Butt Cheeks.”
You would get your own delicate ass kicked.
Make a note.
Ahem.
Very, very tight buns these days — as the woman behind me in the core training class noted (ahem). We can’t all be so tight assed, I guess.
I prefer not to be a tight ass.
But that’s just me.
You clench as much as you like, babe.
Snort!
THAT is a fantabulous Christmas letter, love it! Merry merry!
Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much for stopping by!
Much love, you!
Much love.
Sometimes having a great laugh with your family is the best gift of all. We were watching a funny movie today and all of a sudden the kids and hubby and I were hysterical with giggles. Those are the best times of all. Happy family.
Those moments?
Some of my favorite things about being a part of this family.
Swoon!
Merry Christmas, you!
I got this with your card & had a great laugh. Always good at Christmas. Or anytime.
Merry Christmas to you and your funny family.
A laugh is always good.
Always.
Merry Christmas!
Hope your day was filled with laughter!
see now this? THIS is a Christmas letter! The hubs agreed when I read it to him. If all letter-senders did this? Everyone would WANT a Christmas letter…not dread one!
I do wish I could get all the people to whom I send this Christmas letter?
To stop sending me the other sort of newsletter.
Shhhh.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Much love.
Sounds just like a smartass comment I would make to the hubby! LOL Funny!! Hope you enjoyed your Christmas!
My Christmas was fabulous.
Thank you!
I hope yours was as well.
This is the type of Christmas letter I wish I could get from people!
Not the ones people write talking about the accomplishments of their children. I do not care.
I hope you, Mark, and the girls (hee hee, “the girls”) had a fabulous Christmas!!
I know, right?
I don’t care about the accomplishments of other people’s children.
I want people to make me feel a moment in their lives.
A real moment.
Plus also?
Every time I use the phrase “the girls,” I think of my boobs.
Every . . . single . . . time.
I am way immature.
Snort!
Oooooh . . .
Merry Christmas!
I almost forgot!
What with all the boob talk.
That is the kind of Xmas letter I’d look forward to getting.
But what do I get?
“Our Japanese tree blossoms were once again chosen for the cover of the year by Gardener’s Monthly. We shall we interviewed again by the Japanese TV stations.”
Blech.
The letters I get are much like that . . .
Sigh.
So fucking boring and superior.
And in case you were wondering?
There is no cursing in this letter (well, I did use the word ass), because it really does go out to everyone I know.
And I know a lot of kids.
Tomorrow?
Back to regular old me.
Yay!
Merry Christmas!
That is a refreshing Christmas letter. My neighbor annoys, I mean shames me annually with her poetic odes to her two beautiful daughters who are sure to rival Mother Teresa in their goodness.
My husband has a penchant for standing and looking at me blankly when I ask for help like that….
Yes . . . I have friends who have those same little girls.
They annoy the shit out of me.
Shhhh.
And Merry Christmas!
It’s not quite as good as the one my father’s cousins once sent, detailing the fried chicken dinner they ate while on vacation at Dollywood, but it’s pretty good.
Good grief. Y’all are funny.
Merry, merry Christmas!
Much love to you this Christmas evening.
I may have to go to Dollywood next year, just to be able to write about it in my Christmas letter.
That would be kind of awesome.
Snort!
I look forward to that!
Hee hee!
One of my younger brothers went through a stage in which he was OBSESSED with Dolly Parton.
He joined her fan club, and I remember a smallish poster that arrived in the mail.
If I remember correctly, the very buxom Dolly was strapped into some green and velvety ensemble.
Reclining awkwardly on a bale of hay.
Snort!