People? I wish you all a very joyous and fabulous Christmas.
Taking a short-cut today . . . Christmas at our house is just as busy as it is for most of you.
So I present my Christmas Newsletter.
And yes, this is really the newsletter I sent out to friends and family.
Do you not know me at all?
Imagine . . .
Maj and Kallan and I are stringing lengths of popcorn and cranberries. We work together companionably, the joking and laughter occasionally punctuated by a sudden “Ow!” as one of us stabs herself with a needle.
None of us is needle-gifted.
I agree to hang the strings from the curtain rod above the large dining room window. As I stand on the chair, and reach above my head to tie the end of the thread to the curtain rod? The dogs dance with happy anticipation below me. It occurs to me that if I drop this string, the dogs will eat it, and that will be both sad and disgusting.
So I yell for Mark, who appears with his iPhone in his hand.
I ask him to hold his hands below the string as I tie it so that it doesn’t fall to the dogs.
He is not listening to me.
I ask him again.
He is not listening to me.
“Mark! Could you give me a hand, please?”
He puts down his phone and walks over to where I am standing on the chair.
He just stands there. So annoying. I glare at him, “Could you hold the bottom, please?”
He stands there, confused.
Oh my god . . . “Babe! Hold it so it doesn’t fall!”
He is still puzzled, “What do you want me to hold?”
I laugh, “Hold my butt, babe. I feel like my butt needs support in this moment. Don’t worry about the string of cranberries and popcorn, which is the only reasonable thing I could be asking you to hold. You just hold my butt.”
Maj and Kallan giggle.
Mark is annoyed, “No reason to get all sassy. I am happy to hold the end of the string.”
Kallan rushes forward to cup her hand under one of my butt cheeks, “Daddy, don’t worry about Mom’s butt. Maj and I can take care of this!”
And then Maj rushes forward as well to cup her hand under my other butt cheek.
I am giggling hysterically. I cannot even breathe, much less tie the ends of the string to the curtain rod. The dogs mill about at our feet, confused but hopeful. Mark cups his hand below the string. Each girl cups a butt cheek.
A lovely family holiday scene, all framed in the large dining room window.
I gasp for breath, “Oh, if only there was some way for this to be our Christmas photo! That would be awesome!”
And then we are all giggling hysterically.
We are doing fabulously.
I am still insane . . . but I have all the support I need.
And by the way?
We are now living in Oregon. We have been here almost a year. If I get lame-ass excuses from you about how you sent our Christmas card to our old address? I am going to mock you.
Merry Christmas, people!
Mark, Kris, Maj, and Kallan
All my love this Christmas Day.