I am packing lunches for the girls. Leftover pizza, carrots, pasta salad, a cupcake, and some apple slices. All done except the apples . . . neither of the girls likes to eat whole apples . . . Kallan because she has a loose tooth and Maj because of her braces.
So I rinse and cut two apples into slices, put the slices into small plastic Ziploc bags.
Oxygen plus apples equals brown yuckiness, so I get a straw. Seal the Ziploc bag around the straw and suck the air out of the bag. I suck away all of the air until the plastic bag shapes tightly against the sliced apples. Pull the straw out and quickly close that small zippy gap.
Ta dah!
I am a human shrink-wrapper!
I am rocking the lunch-packing thing!
I pick up the second bag of apple slices, insert the straw, close the bag against the straw, and begin to suck out the air.
Maj walks into the room.
Uh oh.
AIIEEIEIEIEIIEIEIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
I put the still-opened bag of apple slices on the counter, “Babe, I’m just taking the air out of the bag so the apples don’t get brown.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU WERE SPITTING INTO MY APPLES! ARE . . . YOU . . . KIDDING . . . ME?
“I am so not spitting into your apples. I am keeping them fresh so that you will eat them. Maj, we have talked about this before . . . remember? Oxygen reacts with the iron and enzymes in the apple and turns the apple brown. Like rust. We talked about this.”
YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING! I AM NOT EATING THOSE APPLES IF YOU SPIT ON THEM! DO YOU SPIT ON MY FOOD EVERY DAY, MOTHER? I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE THIS!
“I am just removing the oxygen from the bag.”
BY SPITTING ON THEM? YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING PERSON I HAVE EVER SEEN! I AM NOT EATING LUNCH! THAT’S IT! THE WHOLE LUNCH IS RUINED!
Maj walks, screaming at the top of her lungs, into the other room, where she informs her Daddy that, MOTHER IS SPITTING ON MY FOOD!
There is silence.
AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING? MOTHER IS SPITTING ON MY FOOD! SHE IS DISGUSTING!
Mark speaks calmly, “You are being ridiculous. Mom is not spitting into your food. Get a grip.”
SHE IS DISGUSTING!
Now I am getting annoyed, “Listen, Maj. I was trying to be nice, but this is annoying. Eat the apples brown. I do not even care.”
I CANNOT EAT BROWN APPLES! DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?
“Fine. You do it. Get a straw and suck the air out of your bag of apple slices.”
She walks over and picks up the bag of apple slices. Considers for a moment. Throws the bag on the counter, FINE, YOU DO IT! I WILL JUST EAT SPIT! YOU ARE SO GROSS AND DISGUSTING, MOTHER! MAKING ME EAT SPIT!
Kallan speaks up, “Hey, Maj?”
WHAT?
Kallan takes a bite of her cereal and speaks with her mouth noisily full, “If you think about it? It makes no sense for Mom to spit through a straw. She’s not going for distance. If she wanted to spit into your apples, she could just open the bag and let some spit just dribble right in. No straw needed.”
Maj turns to me, DO YOU SEE HOW SHE IS? PUNISH HER! YOU NEVER PUNISH YOUR LITTLE PERFECT ANGEL CHILD! RIGHT HERE! THIS MOMENT RIGHT HERE! SHE NEEDS PUNISHMENT!
I turn to face Maj, “It is so sad that you must turn to me to ask for this punishment to be inflicted upon your sister.”
WHY?
“Because I am no longer in the mood to listen to anything you have to say. Kallan gets a freebie.”
KALLAN GETS A FREEBIE? THERE ARE NO FREEBIES!
Kallan takes another bite of cereal, “I do like a freebie. Thank you, Maj.”
AIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEEE! I HATE THIS FAMILY!
“That’s tragic, babe. Here’s your lunch.”
Maj stomps away to put her lunch in her backpack.
That goes about as well as you might expect.
I NEED HELP ZIPPING MY BACKPACK!
I am now sitting down, and I call to Maj, “What’s wrong with the zipper?”
I NEED HELP ZIPPING MY BACKPACK!
“Maj, you are 11 years old. Tell me what’s wrong with the zipper. I am not racing in there because you scream demands at me. Is the zipper caught on fabric? Try to work it loose.”
I DO NOT NEED INSTRUCTIONS FROM YOU! I NEED YOU TO GET IN HERE AND ZIP MY BACKPACK!
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
And then Maj appears, throws her unzipped backpack onto the couch.
I SAID I NEED HELP!
I assess the backpack without moving from my spot, “Looks like you just need to move some things around.”
Maj throws herself down on her backpack repeatedly until the contents are smashed small enough to allow her to work the zipper. As she smashes, she screams, I ASK FOR HELP, AND NO ONE WILL HELP ME! THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! HOW HARD WOULD IT BE TO HELP ME, MOTHER? HOW HARD?
“Honestly? After all this screaming? Nothing in the world could persuade me to help you with that zipper.”
Maj is all breathless and flushed and angry as she zips the last small span closed.
She turns to me, all raging with hostility, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
And then she is gone.
I watch the school bus drive away.
Sigh.
Oh, I left out the part where Maj is now going to bed 90 minutes early this evening.
A recently added consequence in our house to try to cut down on the angry tweenie yelling.
It’s going fabulously, this parenting thing.
Thank you for asking.
Fabulously hysterical.
A veritable smorgasbord of hilarity.
My favorite line?
“Oh, I left out the part where Maj is now going to bed 90 minutes early this evening.”
I could almost hear the deadpan.
And?
I’m #1.
Love that.
And that makes me #2. Poop
Sue -
Snort! Yes, the early bedtime is accumulated 30 minutes at a time.
Once for each time Maj walked away and had a chance to bring things under control, but then did not.
Yeah.
So my evening?
Will be lovely.
Yay!
And Pop?
You are always #1 in my book.
Stop splashing on my book!
Every time I think you cannot wield a (virtual) pen any better, you prove me wrong.
Jan -
That is an awesome compliment!
Thank you for that!
If you get rid of all the yelling in your house, what will you have to post on your blog about Maj?
I’m wildly in love with “spitting for distance.” And I thought my Monday mornings were rough…
Amy -
A small amount of yelling?
I am good with that . . . excitement, a moment of great emotion, anger. I’m all good with some yelling.
Sustained angry yelling right up in my face?
Done with that.
So if I am to be yelled at?
I am going to free up some evening time for myself and for Mark.
Nice and quiet.
So did you manage to get Kallan in bed early tonight too?
Oh yeah, the up in the face yelling is completely not ok. Annoying and it makes my ears bleed. No good.
BTW, did you know that if you put pineapple or lemon juice on apples, they don’t brown? Sucking is more fun though…
It is only 5:40 here. We have not even eaten dinner!
Kallan is subdued . . . she fell earlier and split open her elbow.
HUGE BAND-AIDS AND DRAMA!
You can imagine.
And yes . . . the lemon juice thing has been suggested.
Also?
Mark helpfully pointed out this afternoon that our FoodSaver machine?
Has a tiny little vacuum hose with which to suck the air out of plastic bags.
We have had that machine for several years, and he has never mentioned that feature.
And he was here for this morning’s drama, and he did not mention that feature.
He is perhaps the devil.
Annoying.
Perhaps he didn’t mention it on purpose? He wanted the 90 minutes of semi-peace too…
I figured you probably heard the lemon juice thing, but just in case…
I see reading your comments now that you mention Maj is a bit of a germ freak. Hubby is that way too. The first time I took a drink out of something that he was drinking, I thought he was going to pass out. Then I told him that he kisses me so doesn’t he get the germs that way? He didn’t think it mattered. Now we have a toddler who LOVES to steal bites of food and drinks from her daddy. I think he’s going to have apoplexy any day now over it.
Amy -
Oh my gosh . . . if someone took a bite of Maj’s food?
She’s done.
Wouldn’t matter what the food was . . . lima beans or ice cream.
Someone takes a bite out of it? She’s done.
This gives Kallan quite a bit of power, as you might imagine.
Snort!
Have you ever noticed that McDonald’s “apples” never turn brown? There has to be a way to use that chemical to keep my face from aging and turning all saggy, right? Or maybe I can bathe in it and keep my skin supple.
Also? You sucking madly? Amuses me. I am such a child.
Pop -
Whatever chemicals they use at McDonald’s to keep those apples “fresh?”
I want no part of that.
ACK!
Although the notion of you bathing in a McDonald’s vat of “Apple-Fresh” is intriguing.
As for sucking madly?
I was giggly too.
But going there?
Did not belong in this post.
Ahem.
oh, some days are tough, aren’t they?
I would have been so tempted to spit on those apples for her to see what that would have looked like.. and then not give her apples! but I’m a jerk like that!
Cristina -
I went with the early bedtime punishment.
Because I try to be mature and I try to stay calm.
But I was tempted.
I so was.
Lemon juice soak will the help the apples from turning brown, or the stuff you can find in the canning aisle.
Or? Let her try the school lunch once. Hard telling what happens to that stuff before it gets served.
Lunch Lady Sweat Drops.
And if she continues to have zipper troubles? Remedial everyday task class.
But really, you probably should just stop spitting on her food.
Renee -
Neither of the girls like the sour taste that lemon juice gives the apples. I have never tried the canning stuff. Sucking the air out of the bag actually works really really well.
Except you get a headache from the screaming.
Snort!
Why does this child think everyone wants to spit in her food? First the waffles, now the apples. The poor thing is tormented by her own imagination!
Do you think she even remembered this incident while she was eating her lunch?
Liz -
Maj is a bit of a germ-phobe, and she is convinced that spit is filled with germs that are out to get her.
Why she thinks that her family would want to get her with their spit?
No idea.
She is a loon.
And a really bad Monday-morning person.
Really bad.
At lunch, she will eat the apples and not remember this conversation. And she will be all annoyed to learn that the early-bedtime punishment still stands.
That was then, Mother. This is now!
Snort!
I don’t think I would ever have the energy to be Maj. It sounds exhausting. You are really doing her a favor by making her go to be early. :)
Yes, I am doing her a favor.
Also doing the rest of the family a favor.
Geez.
*snort* Kallan’s great – “I do like a freebie.” my brother and I team up on the parents now, but it used to very much be us undermining eachother, even with a 7 year age gap.
Kallan does like to sneak in and get a few jabs in while her sister is freaking out.
It is difficult to resist.
It’s difficult for me to resist.
Snort!
I totally forgo the straw and just zip the bag almost shut and then suck the rest of the air out with my mouth. Straws take too much effort.
Your mouth touches the bag?
Maj would not approve.
At all.
How lame am I that I did not know that technique with apples? Maintaining your composure and not yelling back is so much fun to do when my 17 year old is all mad and pissy. Drives her crazy!
Kim -
Yes, when I stay calm it drives Maj crazy.
But if I freak out?
She gets all upset and frenzied and terrified.
Calm is better.
It is.
i love you, and your random knowledge of such things….my kids will also not eat brown apples. but now, that i can suck the air out of the bags with a straw…..they are going to think i’m the best mom ever and will eat their apples happily and come home with heaps of praise for me and my geniusy apple packing skills.
and sadly, i won’t give you any credit. i’ll just take it and run! LOL!!
maj is a riot, and i’m sure the fits you’re experiencing will be thrown at me in the future…..and kallan is a hoot! i think there is some genetic link to being the younger sibling and being a smart ass! i see it in my son, and i know my little brother had it down pat!
i gotta go suck some air out of some apple bags…..wait…somehow, that sounds sexual, but i’m not sure how or why. LOL.
Sarah -
Yay! I am totally passing along useful knowledge today! I am hardly ever helpful like that! I am awesome!
Maj is hilarious, but geez . . . she is very loud and angry sometimes.
And Kallan is a troublemaker . . . she was lucky to get a freebie this morning.
As for the sucking?
Check with Pop (who commented above).
He is all intrigued with the mad sucking.
Hee hee!
This is why I pack the lunches at night, the night before. If no one sees what goes into the lunch, no one can bitch about it in the morning, while I’m still trying to wake up and put on a happy face so I can get my kids out the door and to school/daycare without having a fucking meltdown of epic proportions.
Did I mention I’m not a morning person?
Oh, and just to clarify, I mean without me having a meltdown of epic proportions.
That might help matters.
But I am never in the mood to pack lunches in the evening. It feels wrong, somehow.
And I am not a morning person.
But Maj on a cranky morning puts me to shame.
Compared to Maj?
I am all Mary Sunshine.
Silly Maj.
Will there be less drama because I have sons, I wonder?
Hmmm, not so far.
Apples and straws and whatnot? So all geniusy!
Angie -
Sons must be less drama.
They would have to be.
Seriously.
unfortunately?
sons are not less drama.
sometimes they are even more.
sigh.
Cathy -
So it’s just all children who suck?
Hmmmph.
pretty much.
at least til they’re in their late twenties.
BIG sigh.
Cathy -
Oh, this will not do.
This will not do at all.
These children are going to be a pain in my ass until I am . . . hold on . . . quick math.
UNTIL I AM IN MY 60′s?????
This will not do.
These days Jacob is the most dramatic of our teenagers, so it’s a no on the “boys are easier” business.
Speaking of spit, I think I read somewhere that hormones are the spit of the devil. Pretty sure.
Hormones are the spit of the devil?
Oh, I must share that with Mark.
That’s perfection.
Okay, I don’t like where this particular comment thread went. Don’t like it at all.
Let’s go back to where Kris said boys must be less drama. Let’s go back to then. Let us go.
Quick!
To the time machine!
Snort!