You know how you get lost in your thoughts sometimes?
And so you are thinking about how you need to refill Kallan’s inhaler prescription and how you need to call your friend back and you owe your sister a phone call as well and don’t forget to email that lady about how even though you are sure they are lovely diapers you don’t do giveaways on your blog and when is the rehearsal for the school talent show anyway you need to call the school and figure that out and also you need to call Maj’s friend to order some Girl Scout cookies and why do you insist on staying up until 3:00 in the morning when you know damn well you have to get up early so that you can take Maj to the . . .
Orthodontist.
Huh.
I park the car, “Hey, ladies! We have arrived safely and I have absolutely no memory of driving us here! Did I do a good job?”
Kallan laughs, but Maj is not amused, “Don’t tell me things like that, Mother. We could have been killed. It’s not funny.”
Just a minor braces alteration, so we are back in the car within 15 minutes. I drive the girls to school, and in my mind, I am thinking about all the stuff I already mentioned plus Ben and unicorns and the fact that we need more AA batteries (ahem) and how I should figure out what’s for dinner because Mark is not home this week and I can’t even remember the last time I had to decide what was for dinner because Mark is all bossy and man does he like to make a lot of dishes with gravy and you know what I am a little bit hungry and I believe I will have a croissant and some cheese when I get home OK but don’t go home yet because the girls are still in the car and they will be all pissed off if you forget to drop them off at . . .
School.
Huh.
I pull into the drop-off area, “Good news, ladies! Even on less than 4 hours of sleep, your mother is still completely functional!”
They leap from the car and race off without looking back.
It’s only a short drive home, so I empty my mind of all thoughts except croissant and cheese and coffee and coffee and croissant and cheese and don’t forget to take the garbage out and there’s a load of laundry in the washer that needs to be moved along and be sure to grab those wet towels out of the girls’ bathroom and remember that time when you took Kallan to the pharmacist to pick up ear drops and an inhaler and the pharmacist handed us a bunch of paperwork and started giving Kallan directions about how to use the medications and Kallan said . . . Yeah, yeah, yeah . . . ear drops go in my ears and don’t try to stick the inhaler up my butt . . . oh my god that was funny and so don’t forget to refill her prescription and oh yeah Maj needs poster board make a note of the poster board because she will be all crabby if you haven’t gotten it before she arrives . . .
Home.
Huh.
And then I am standing in the kitchen thinking that I have a shitload of bullshit stuff to get done today, but at the moment all I can remember is that I am hungry.
Coffee, cheese, croissant!
Yay! Take that, early-onset Alzheimers!
I am firing on all cylinders!
OK, then down to my computer to fuck around for a bit. Answer some comments. Was Ron White the comedian who said that thing about his penis being the approximate size and shape of a cheese-wheel? Pretty sure.
Hold on, let me Google one-handed here for a minute.
One-handed because I am eating a croissant, people.
Dirty-minded people.
OK, so let me Google . . . tap, tap, tap.
Penis . . . cheese . . . wheel . . .
Can’t be too many people out there claiming to have cheese-wheel penises.
That ought to do it.
Click.
Hmmmm . . . nothing about Ron White at first glance. Maybe I was wrong?
Hold on!
What have we here?
My penis, inserted fully into the cheese wheel, and my wine inserted fully into my ass, we were then complete. The three of us . . .
Hee hee!
Click.
OK, people? Look in my tags for a cut and pasting opportunity that is NOT SAFE FOR WORK! I will so not be linking this site here, because I will be porn spammed all the fuck up. No one wants that.
I appear to have stumbled upon a discussion board that is dedicated to (and I swear I am not making this up) . . .
The fine art of sticking your penis into a nice wine.
The rules go on to state that cheese is allowed, as it pairs nicely with wine.
BUT NO CHAMPAGNE!
Snort!
The post that contains the terms I Googled? Freaky but also a little bit hot.
Second post on the page, if you are curious.
I finish my croissant and cheese as I read.
Happy inappropriate sighs.
Wait . . . I was supposed to do stuff today.
What was I supposed to do?
Hmmmm.
Buy AA batteries.
Fuck age-related memory loss!
Buy AA batteries!
Ahem.
And then maybe take a nap.
Perhaps the bubbles in the champagne are not desirable? That is hilarious.
I also realized, last night, that I am in need of some AA batteries.
Ooooh . . . I bet you are correct!
Would bubbles hurt, though?
Bubbles baths don’t seem to adversely impact penises.
Hmmmm.
Research may be required.
It’s not bubbles on top of the liquid, it’s bubble IN the liquid. Fizzy penis is not good. Apparently. As opposed to fuzzy penis. Which might be good.
I have a woman with a husband who has agreed to do the stunt penis work required for this research.
She will be reporting in tomorrow on Twitter.
She is @ManicMamaG
I love her.
Plus also?
I am not averse to fuzziness in the vicinity.
But fuzzy penis?
That sounds troublesome.
Research might be required, indeed!
Yes!
Follow @ManicMamaG
I was reading this, following right along with your thought process…and then you got to croissant and cheese and that was all the words that my mind would continue to process.
Now my bread and cheese loving side has taken over.
Also, I think that Kallan should start writing the warnings and usage directions for drug companies. It would make commercials much more interesting.
See?
The mind wants what it wants!
Cheese. And bread.
And penises.
What?
Wait the inhalers don’t go up your butt???? I have bern doing it wrong all this time! No wonder it doesn’t help, just makes me take a big deep breath! Haha
And? I’ll trade you your 3am for a 3.5 year old who was up at 4:30am wanting to watch cartoons!
Kallan informed me at the time that if there was an inhaler for your butt?
It would smooth out your farts. Who doesn’t want that, right?
No more fart hacking.
Snort!
As for the child up at 4:30 am?
I will so take that child!
I can sleep through cartoons.
But insomnia?
Not so much.
Great now I have to go google penises and wine bottles. Hope the hubby doesn’t look at my history. He might get the wrong idea. Oh and croissants and cheese are now on my grocery list. Not wine or penises. Wouldn’t want to tempt myself. The power of suggestion!
I put the link in my tags, but you’ll have to cut and paste.
Someone MUST go read that story.
It is awesome.
And hot.
Really.
LOL!!!!!! Most of the time, is just an inner LOL but this time outter LOL’s in the office.. to the point where I got a “what’s funny?” from my manager.
FRIG! !
My thoughts are a constant spinning wheel as well… except sometimes I get focused on 1 thing..
and I can’t stop!
And right now? Cheese… mmmm… I want to nom on some cheese. But not a cheese wheel now… haha
The cheese I ate?
Way yummy.
Sharp cheddar.
Happy sighs.
Maj hates when I get like this.
Snort!
Wait . . . I need to get the dog a biscuit.
And then drink some more coffee.
And then strip all the beds!
And then rub my face in the dog’s fur.
Did I mention Mark is not home?
I get weird.
The other day, I was frantically cleaning the kitchen while my little guy took a nap (which can range anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half, so I NEVER know how much time I have so I do everything on super-sonic speed). My husband was walking by, he stopped mid-tracks in the kitchen and was like “Oh. My. God. Are you on crack?” Crack? No. Caffeine? Hell yeah! Your reply totally reminds me of how my mind goes through a million different things that I need to do, sometimes it involves rubbing my face on my cat’s belly just to piss it off. So, I think more people get weird than you’d probably imagine.
I thought I was the only one whose thought processes run that way! Or, to be clear, Hubs tells me that “normal” people don’t get lost in their own house because they got distracted by 17 things on the way to do what they were going to do because something else needed picking uporgettingdoneorwashing, OOOOOOOO, something shiny!
Where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, never put your penis in something carbonated, that will sting like a MF.
Shawna -
My car has this navigation thing in it, and if I press “Go Home?”
It reminds me of how to actually accomplish that goal.
I use that button often.
Mark is incredulous.
And WHY would carbonation hurt a penis?
And how do you know?
Oh My….it is not my fault things are slow here at work today……so I um….um…..have feeling kind of clicky.
If I delete history, no one will know right?
RIGHT?
LIE TO ME PEOPLE
that is all
AmyLynn -
So did you read it?
I love that story.
That is all.
Me
Of course I read it. I am now addicted to reading your posts. Must have one a day MINIMUM.
Not sure about the dipping. Sort of hot? Sort of….what???
Have you shared this new knowledge with Mark?
Ummm . . . I did mention that Mark is not home.
He’s out of town.
I get weird when he is gone.
Mark loves that about me.
Maybe.
Ooooh . . . now that I have texting, I will text Mark about dipping!
Yay!
I seldom remember my drives to anywhere. I’m to busy reciting grocery lists, to do’s, what I’d really like to say to my employees and or customers.
Thank goodness the car knows what it’s doing.
Cheese wheels and wine? I suppose that’s less questionable than some other hobbies.
There are more questionable hobbies?
Details, please.
Sketchy details are fine . . . I have my Googling fingers are limbered up.
OK, that sounded way dirty!
Yay!
Yay, something I can contribute to!
Weird hobbies? Look at this list of paraphilias and start googling away!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias
My all time favorite video to show to college students:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QRg7hNmvQ0
They totally lose their shit with this one.
Enjoy!
YAY!
And that video?
ACK!
But mostly?
YAY!
So funny!
This is exactly how my brain works too.
Except I usually have a full nights sleep……could this be a problem for me?
Alicia -
I am not a doctor, but as a long-time sufferer of insomnia?
I advise you to get less sleep.
And then call me!
I could use some company.
Sigh.
My of my best friends said just a few weeks ago that she’s pretty sure her brain runs like Twitter. In 140 characters at a time and all random and stuff. I know mine does too.
I think yours does as well. It’s a wonder we don’t misplace our kids more often.
This is why I have Maj.
She keeps me on track.
Don’t tell her I said so, though.
She is way bossy.
I’m so glad you answered that question about Ron White in the tags. Because I was really dreading Googling Penis Cheese Wheel. And no way I’m clicking that link. I’m fucked up enough as it is.
And doesn’t Penis Cheese Wheel sound like a great name for an adult board game?
It so does sound like an adult board game!
Spin the Penis Cheese Wheel and move around the board!
Or bases.
Yes, spin the wheel and move around the bases.
I am fond of third, myself.
Third is pretty good. :)
AA batteries? I’m always running out of C batteries. Ahem.
Snort!
That’s a powerful . . . ummm . . . appliance you have there.
Ahem.
okay.
yeah.
i don’t have any “appliances” that need AAs.
all mine need Cs or Ds.
what kinda pussy appliance you got there?
snort.
Pussy appliance?
I . . . am . . . dead.
*Thud*
Plus also more giggling from the floor where I am dead.
When you name your “applicance” is when you should start to worry. I think. Or maybe it’s when they start to talk to you. Yes. Raoul says it’s that last one. And that he will need some new Cs soon.
All of you people with the C battery requirements are scaring me.
I am just a delicate flower and all AA over here.
Yikes!
The scary ones? Come from Russia. And use a Sears DieHard.
Or so I’ve been told. Yes. That’s it. Someone told me that. Or I read it in Penthouse.
A car battery?
But what if it goes dead?
And then you need a jump?
And then you are right back where you started.
Snort!
Battery size has little to do with power. I have some small but powerful toys that run on watch batteries. I’ve also had some toys that run on Cs and they were just so-so. It depends on the inner workings of toy not the battery.
Plus also?
I need that buzzing to be quiet.
Loud buzzing equals hysterical giggling where I am concerned.
So smallish powerful batteries.
Yes please!
And, quietness for privacy’s sake. Nothing like trying to have a quiet moment and hearing RATTLE RATTLE CLICKETY CLACKETY. GZUS, let’s just announce to the whole neighborhood what’s going on at that moment.
RATTLE RATTLE CLICKETY CLACKETY?
Snortity snortity!
So, there was a commercial on VH1 last night that was for Trojan Vibrations. Apparently Trojan now makes mini-appliances that have 3 different attachments. What’s crazy? They have commercials for it! I could feel my hub’s eyes watching me for a reaction. Not sure what to make of that. Maybe he was thinking a potential V-Day gift? Hopefully? Just thought I’d fill you in (um, yeah, thinking maybe I should have worded that differently??) on a new product.
But it has a cute little bunny on it.
It’s not that big ;)
Though powerful? Maybe…
I have heard about this bunny.
He is fierce!
I am totally wishing I had a penis right now.
Just so I could see what it’s like to dip it in wine.
Although I would rebelliously choose the champagne first.
If I ever grow a penis and you see me running naked through the streets of Portland, screaming in agony? You will know why.
I don’t know about the cheese wheel though. Sounds like a waste of perfectly good cheese to me.
Got an extra croissant?
I want a penis as well!
I want to dip it in wine and then also in champagne just to see if the carbonation would be painful.
The cheese?
Eh.
Cheese is yummy . . . no point in messing it up with penis cooties.
Snort!
please, please, please post the text conversation that you had with mark about “dipping” – LMAO!!
i’ve had more moments than i care to recall when i’m on “autopilot” like that! i chalk it up to living in the town i grew up in – i know this place so well, i don’t even have to pay attention to where i am going!
or, it’s Alzheimer’s! could be that, too.
Hmmm . . . I have only lived here a year.
I am perhaps not as attentive as I should be.
Snort!
As for the texting with Mark?
Whether or not I post that conversation here depends on how it goes.
Dipping has much potential, I am thinking.
Dipping.
Yes.
I have just read your blog for the first time. You have perfectly captured the ongoing monologue moms have in their heads. We multi-task even when we are mult-tasking, always jumping to the steady stream of to-dos…Sometimes I just have to slap myself (mentally in the face) and say “focus!”
Well, hello lovely new reader!
I am so glad to see you here today!
I am sometimes more collected and responsible than I appear to be today.
Just so you know.
The words dipping, penis, wine and cheese are not words I’d have ever thought to belong together in one sentence.
Maybe my imagination is lacking? But thank you! Big guffaws from over here.
I love that you used the word guffaws!
Oh, that is fucking AWESOME!
Yay!