I think too much.
Apparently.
I am incapable of just letting a thing be.
Apparently.
This is true in all parts of my life, but generally causes the most problems in relationships.
I want to know what you really mean. I want to know what lies beneath your words. I want to know what lies beneath your tone. I want to know what lies behind your smile.
And if I ask you what you really mean and what lies behind your words and what lies behind your smile?
And you say, “Nothing?”
I go fucking insane.
Perhaps you will not even notice.
But I go insane.
I so do.
Someone very wise recently suggested that I have a problem with being still.
I so do.
Duh.
This person said . . . Don’t just do something. Stand there. Be still.
Ack!
Being still feels like weakness. Being still feels like vulnerability. Being still feels out of control. Being still feels terrifying.
Just stand there? Are you kidding me? If I just stand here? I will die. Pretty sure.
Just stand there. Be still.
But what if?
Just stand there. Be still.
But what if?
Just stand there. Be still.
But what if?
Just stand there. Be still.
Really?
Really.
Fuck. I am not good at just standing there.
And being still is terrifying.
If there is an issue?
ACTION! Action is required! Action and questioning and confronting and thinking and concluding and punishing and rewarding and talking and talking and talking.
Obsessing about what the other person said. Obsessing about what the other person didn’t say. Obsessing about what the other person meant.
Obsessing about whether the other person understood what I meant to say.
Obsessing about the balance of power in this relationship and how to regain what I may have lost.
Obsessing about what lies behind a smile.
What lies beneath a tone
Beneath the words.
WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
Tell me before I go insane!
Let’s work this out. Let’s fix this. Let’s examine this. Let’s address this. Let’s talk.
Anything to not be still in my thoughts.
I am not going to just stand here while you fuck me over.
OK, I know you said you had no plans to fuck me over, but I do not like your tone.
Evasive and defensive maneuvers are required.
And then I may have to kill you.
Seriously.
Sigh.
OK, so I am watching television the other night.
A new show of uneven comedic brilliance called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.
In this show, Todd Margaret (played by David Cross), has been hired to head up the London offices for a new energy drink called Thunder Muscle. Things are not going well, as it turns out that Todd Margaret is completely ill-suited to this job. Additionally? It turns out Londoners are not at all inclined to drink Thunder Muscle.
OK, every time I say Thunder Muscle it makes me giggle.
Anyway, there comes a moment in which Todd Margaret, desperate to sell even a single can of this drink . . . takes it upon himself to impress a café of diners with the product’s fabulous qualities. He drinks several cans of the drink as he speaks.
And he goes fucking insane.
The best moment in television I have experienced in quite a while.
So people?
In those moments in which quiet is required?
Those moments in which I should heed my friend’s advice . . .
Don’t just do something. Stand there. Be still.
This is what my brain is doing.
Really.
Please watch . . . it is BEYOND AWESOME.
I WILL FUCK THE OLD OUT OF YOU??
Oh yes.
Get the fuck back here, you with the words and smiles and tone behind which you claim nothing lies.
I will fuck the old out of you.
Oh, people.
I am so not a stillish person.
Snort!
Plus also?
In my mind?
I have the strength of Zeus if he fucked a hippopotamus.
I so fucking do.
So don’t take that tone with me.
Don’t even.
The strength of Zeus if he fucked a hippopotamus. Dood, sometimes I can’t even make a coherent comment because I’m too busy snorting beer out of my nose. This? Is one of those times. Also? You owe me a keyboard.
I can’t take credit for that line.
It’s in the video I linked.
But I love it.
So I am stealing it and making it my own.
I am God here!
And if anyone but Nigel gets that I just made a Lawnmower Man reference?
Tell me . . . because I LOVE you!
No words. Just laughter!
I will fuck the old out of you? Really… I’m dying here!
Oh my god . . . I have watched this video very quietly here at my computer perhaps 7 times in the last hour.
Quietly because the girls are both home and there is much swearing in the clip.
And I am giggling so loudly each time that the girls have come to see what the hell is wrong with mom.
Ack!
Pause and minimize!
Snort!
Oh my god. That is hilarious. I love David Cross. Never heard of that show though.
And I totally know what you’re talking about from a couple perspectives. One, I’m like that, but to a lesser extent. And two, I know you’re like that because I’ve seen it after I’ve left you comments. ;-) I LOVE that you’re like that, so please, don’t EVER “Don’t just do something. Just stand there. Be still”, because that’s not you.
There are times when a little quiet acceptance would serve me well.
There are.
But yes . . . my basic nature is not one of stillness.
As you well know.
Ahem.
I am very all worn out just following that rollercoasting merry-go-round of thought process.
And the damn stupid iPod will not let me see the video. And the computer is clear the hell out in the other room.
I will look later. And maybe have something more intellectual to comment. I’m not feeling very intellectual right now. I’m feeling laaaazy.
See, and to me?
The thought process I described is me at my calmest and most reflective.
There was no screaming!
There was no threatening!
There was no emotional blackmail!
I am maturing.
And yes . . . you are way fucking lazy.
Walk into the other room, silly you.
The clip is awesome.
I finally made my way to the other room. The clip? Is awesome. And? I know people that act like that without Thunder Muscle (what kind of name for a drink IS that?).
But still no intellect. My brain is comatose.
It is awesome!
So glad that you came back to look.
the first half of your post described me, my brain and basically my daily wtf routines … only you put it into better words than I could
today, my husband told me that I shouldn’t be such a pain in the ass and just hug him … I looked at him with a look that said don’t even think about touching me and told him he should take his own words to heart and walked away … then I sat in my shop for hours wondering WTF is his problem saying that to me … sigh … your description so right on
the second half of your post … SOOOOOO funny omg I laughed, which helped with the above mentioned wtf day …
the person who told you to do nothing, be still, doesn’t get the inner you … those that do, get the constant inner movement and deal with it because they get you … those that don’t should be threatened with the zeus hippo old fucking thing cuz that’d confuse the fuck outta them long enough that they’d forget why they said to be still … that or throw jail cookies at them
The first half of your comment?
Happy sighs of connection . . . exactly.
The second half?
This person really really does understand me. Very very well.
I do need to learn to be still. To find peace. To accept that not every event requires a reaction.
I really do.
My recent bout of panic attacks . . . the context of this friend’s suggestion, by the way.
My panic attacks have made very clear that I need to figure out how to be still.
I may not always choose the stillness . . . but I should have it in my arsenal.
I so should.
My friend was right.
aaahhhh well then that makes sense … don’t throw cookies ;o)
Hee hee!
I would like it much better if my friend was wrong.
I so prefer the version in which I am perfect.
Sigh.
I know exactly what you mean with the tone. I always get a look too, but of course, the look always means “nothing”; I call bullshit.
Sending love your way.
Exactly.
I am a bullshit caller.
Every time.
Thank you for the love!
Hilarious! I’m the same way. It took me years to realize that when me and my husband argue, he needs space for a while before we can talk like rational adults. I’m like you, in the way that I’m inclined to talk and analyze and obsess. But if I do that while he’s still upset it turns into a screaming match. So now I give him a while before I’m forced to pick apart his words, brain and sanity. Like a chicken, with the peck peck pecking at the situation until its a huge chicken mess. My poor husband. Miraculously, he still loves me :)
I always start out this type of conversation with Mark by saying something like . . .
OK, I know that you are not going to understand anything I am about to say, but I need to say it or I will explode, so just be quiet for a minute and try not to raise your eyebrows in that incredulous way that drives me insane.
Snort!
Hang on, let me write that down……
It’s very useful.
Yes . . . make a note.
Snort!
Also, your tag about having trouble sleeping is so related to this post. I’m an insomniac like its nobodys business. Why? Because as soon as I lay in bed at night, no matter how exhausted my body is, my brain kicks into high gear with its circular carousel thought process. Shut the fuck up brain, people are trying to sleep here!
Yes.
Exactly.
Circular carousel thought process . . .
Exactly.
Sigh.
1. Lawnmower Man. ‘ Nuff said.
2. I love David Cross.
3. You are yummy!
1) Love you.
2) Love you more.
3) I so am.
You love me more than *David Cross*?
I think I might just cry a little bit here.
But just a little.
Oh, you know how much I love it when I make you cry.
What?
I just smudged my mascara wiping tears of mirth from my eyes.
Seriously.
Of note, the big-eared young man egging him on in this clip? Russell Tovey, one of my favorite emerging Brit actors. Turns out they recast his part because he was no longer available. My point? His other show, a Brit sitcom Him&Her? So, so good.
What was I talking about?
Oh, right the inability to keep your thoughts still….
You know what?
This clip is from the pilot, and it is BETTER than the version I saw on IFC. Way better.
So I linked this version (with the lovely young man who was later replaced) because it is just so fucking awesome.
And now?
I need to find that show . . . Him&Her.
Yay!
I was going to say…. Well it’s nothing.
Yeah, never mind. It’s nothing.
*smirky smile*
Oh, you are asking for an ass-kicking.
Smarty-pants.
Ok ok I’m sorry. I really couldn’t resist.
Because, you know? I am so like you in this.
And the being still in your head? Is so hard. Especially because for me? I fall asleep if I stop.
But the physical? I did learn to sit still. And now I’m fat and am trying to remember how to move again. So when you be still? Do it while moving. It is actually easier.
I will watch the video later. *grumble grumble stupid iPhone limitations grumble*
Yes, I can sit still.
I just can’t be still.
My mind races and gallivants about all willy nilly, inventing and imagining all sorts of problems that might at some point crop up and so should definitely be addressed right this moment.
You will love the video.
Really.
Saw the video LMAO Looks like my head feels most days.
The older I get, the harder it is to be still. It is weird because it should be the other way around. I guess the older I get the more there is to worry about. And the more I know there is to worry about if that makes any sense. Young and stupid is sometimes nice. Not stupid in the learning stupid, but stupid in the not knowing about life. And all the bad things that can happen.
Ah well, I’m almost at the point I’m too tired to care.
And maybe if I move more, I will think less. I guess I could try it. (there is that Dance Prty 2 game that is here somewhere…) ;)
You are all geniusy.
That is all.
Seriously.
And break the Dance game!
It is awesome.
Well I have to be all geniusy to keep up with your amazing geniusness.
Sigh. Dance game will be broken out tomorrow. I mean it. New years resolution and all. Have more fun. Yup that’s it. I just decided. Have more fun, worry less. :)
You will have fun.
Dance up a fucking storm.
You will have fun.
It has been decided.
So this drink I’m drinking is supposed to be “berry storm” flavour. It tastes like apple to me. So weird.
In other news, I’ve now been mostly stuck in my house for 6 days now. That equals being bored.
Are you still sick, lovely you?
And if you are bored?
Why are you not sending me interview questions? I did agree to be interviewed by you on your famous blog.
Snort!
Seriously . . . are you still sick?
I’m recovering. So definitely better than I was last week. But not great yet. I did have my first proper dinner for a while yesterday though. Had a Sunday roast at the local pub.
Your stomach makes the oddest demands of you.
I’m glad you are at least a little better.
Did you not get your flu shot this year?
For shame.
Oh, dear god, thank you for this.
I love insane moments.
Don’t know why…but I do.
I love them in real life, and I love them on TV.
Thank you….
I laugh a lot.
I find a lot of things funny, and I laugh a lot.
This clip?
Teary helpless laughter.
Happy sighs.
So happy to have shared that with you.
You just made me lie to my son. (indirectly)
I was laughing so hard at, I will fuck the old out of you, that I had to answer questions like, “What’s funny, mom?”. You know what I said? “Oh, it’s nothing”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
That was the best line ever. I am spinning trying to think of ways to use this. Damn it if I am not around any adults right now.
I so get the not sitting still. I want to talk a problem right out of being a problem. My man wants to just let it go. I kid you not. He says some things just don’t need to be brought back up. Talking just makes him more upset.
Sometimes being able to let something lay there has worked out quite well. It is hard to do.
Sometimes letting it lie means that even if I walk away it will stalk me. And gather strength and size along it’s path.
Oh, it’s nothing?
Bwahahahahaha!
Love that!
And being still is way fucking harder than it sounds.
Way.