OK, first . . . If you have not been by to check out the new Featured Bloggers?
Do that.
So awesome.
Back here . . .
In honor of this being the year in which I take over the blogging world, it occurs to me that I should have what Mark so often refers to as a plan.
Sigh.
The word plan is all troubly to me.
If I have a plan, that suggests I have expectations. If I have a plan, the fulfillment of this plan’s objectives are somehow my responsibility (this issue has arisen in the past, so I speak from experience). If I have a plan, there is always the possibility of future public failure (and mocking) when this plan fails to come to fruition.
Seriously . . . fuck that.
So in this year of Kris taking over the blogging world?
I will choose instead to manipulate you.
Manipulation is like a plan except with none of the bad stuff.
Yay!
So here’s the deal.
I do not love Facebook.
I love Pretty All True’s fan page on Facebook, but I do not love being on Facebook as my actual Kris self. I have many real-life friends and family members with whom I am hopelessly out of touch because I never pay attention to what they are saying on Facebook. They are all pissed at me.
But as this pissiness is generally also expressed on Facebook?
I am blithely unaware.
Snort!
I seriously never go past Pretty All True’s fan page on Facebook.
Sorry, real-life friends and family.
Ahem.
OK, so I love my Facebook fans, and I would love more Facebook fans.
I need you to go get them for me.
The Facebook troops I have already amassed?
You are fabulous, but you are not yet equipped to take over the blogging world on my behalf. I love you all, but if I send you into battle all yelly and boastful . . .
Kris is the Queen! Pretty All True is pretty all fucking royally awesome!
Huge carnage, people.
Huge bloody carnage.
And even though Dooce’s photographs of the bloody carnage would be exquisite?
And even though Allie Brosh’s artistic renderings of the slaughter would be hilarious?
Those are images I can live without.
I need a bigger Facebook Army!
You can make this happen.
Plus? I have bribes!
I know!
OK.
Here we go.
1) Every month I will select one Facebook fan to be Pretty All True’s Facebook Fan of the Month. It is possible I will come up with a catchier name for this honor, but you get the idea.
2) This fan will be selected totally arbitrarily by me from the pool of Pretty All True Facebook fans who have expressed interest in becoming the Facebook Fan of the Month.
3) On the first of each month? I will announce this person’s name and make a note of my total number of Facebook fans.
4) My Facebook Fan of the Month (I do need a cooler name for this honor) will then work like mad to add 60 fans to Pretty All True’s fan page.
5) As soon as 60 fans are added? I will put up a link on my blog to whatever the fuck my Facebook Fan of the Month wants to link. Facebook page, Etsy shop, Twitter ID, Home business, Youtube video, Family photos . . . whatever the fuck you want to link, I will link it.
a. With one important caveat . . . no blog links. Really.
b. Yes, I am serious. No blog links and no links to blog fan bases of any sort.6) That link will stay on my blog until the beginning of the next month, at which time I will announce a new Facebook Fan of the Month.
Alright, I see a few hands are already raised.
But Kris! What if on the 2nd of the month, you manage to alienate a shitload of readers with a post about adult men who wear diapers and then actually become sexually aroused as their partners change said diapers?
Tough.
But Kris! Why can’t I link a blog?
Because my writing readers already have an avenue for linking their blogs here on Pretty All True. Bloggers may submit as many posts as they like for Featured Blogger consideration. Make Me Come!
But Kris! Why can’t I link to a blog fan base?
Because I said so.
But Kris! How will I be assured that your choice of Facebook Fan of the Month is random?
I did not say it would be random. I said it would be arbitrary.
But Kris! How do I know I will get credit for the fans I bring in?
You will get credit for the next 60 fans that are added after I announce your name. If 60 fans are added through no doing of your own? You win big.
But Kris! What if it takes me three weeks to add 60 fans to the Facebook Fan Page?
Umm . . . then your link runs for only one week. Bummer.
But Kris! What if I am a sneaky asshole and add 60 fans that immediately unlike you after the end of the month?
You would be wise to expect that if such a thing were to happen? I would point that shit out in a public forum.
Snort!
Soooo . . .
If you would like to be considered for Pretty All True Facebook Fan of the Month for the month of February?
Let me know!
I’ll be your fan!!! ‘cept I don’t have a Facebook page (my personal one is off limits in bloggy land!).. :) So, I’ll go off and do that, and then I’ll be your fan!!! :)
(Wow.. I sound like a teacher’s pet, don’t I?!)
Ooooh . . . the Kris-butting has commenced!
I like!
Cmon. Fuck Facebook. Let’s take over the entire internet.
Happy sighs at the thought of fucking Facebook.
Yes, let’s do that.
And then fuck the world!
What?
Sounds awesome.
Fucking the world.
Let’s count off, ok?
I am #1. And #4 and #8 and #12.
What?
OK.
I am 3.14
Pi.
You know you want a slice.
Hell yeah I read this shit and I am the FIRST comment. Kris FTW. Vote for her people. What?
Snort!
Mrs. Undomestic kicked your ass.
How humiliating for you.
Snicker.
How dare you be on her side.
How dare you.
I can’t do anything about time, babe.
You weren’t the first to come.
What?
And here I thought there would be more anal references. Hmph.
Sadly? I’m anti-social. And have nothing to promote that isn’t linked to the “real me” and the “real me” doesn’t want people she knows reading her damn blog…she could get in trouble that way….
I guess you’ll just have to be content with my undying love and devotion. Hehe
Ms. WTH -
Your undying love and affection is more than I could have ever hoped for when I started this thing.
Thank you, lovely you.
Thank you very much.
I already am a fan. But you are right. If you do this, it will make fans like me tell more people about you. So I am game. Whatever the game, whatever the rules. I don’t need incentives. Just let me know what you want…
I WANT IT ALL!
Fuck.
Also?
Cookies.
lucky for you I make kick ass toll house cookies. Maybe I will even buy you a beer to go with those cookies. I love chocolate and beer.But if I have too much beer, I will definitely make fun of your cankles. Just saying.
I will eat those cookies and I will drink that beer.
And then I will cankle-kick your ass.
I so will.
Hee hee!
I wonder if this will have the affect on others that it does on me: running to facebook to make sure I am not a fan of Pretty All True. Given those conditions, I have absolutely no desire to be the Facebook Fan of the Month. Which maybe should be renamed: Facebook Underling Currying Kris’s Eternal Respect. Much better abbreviation.
I do, however, still adore you.
SNORT!
You act like I would call you out and MAKE you get me fans.
This is totally voluntary.
Although your acronym?
That is way fucking awesome.
Love that.
It doesn’t matter because I checked and I wasn’t a fan. Woohoo! The acronym was rushed, not completely pleased with my C choice.
You are a loon.
An uncooperative loon.
I so wish I had the power to boss you.
Hmmph.
I love this acronym. I do. But I am running a fever and commenting on blogs and even wrote a blog entry myself.
This is more dangerous than drunk blog commenting.
Will I regret this tomorrow or have a hangover.
I think Kris should have a Facebook blah blah whatever
Kris you should chose a FUCKER every month!
that is all—off to gargle
Amy -
I may need a better name than FUCKER.
Just saying.
Hee hee!
No way, what is better than being Kris’s FUCKER of the month? Maybe if you were all wholesome and pure and we talked about kitties and laundry detergent on this blog then you would need to reconsider. However we talk about fucking and lots of other fucking things and I think FUCKER of the Month is awesome. Count me in for real.
Lindsay -
Oh, you are counted in for real.
The name will be perfect, don’t you worry. You know me well enough to know I am not going to be able to let it stand as “Fan of the Month.”
Perhaps not FUCKER, though.
I’m not even sure I can say FUCKER on Facebook.
Snort!
FINE. Even though you can totally say fucker, I understand your hesitation. BUT, if I should get chosen, in my head I will SO call myself Kris’s FUCKER of the Month just so you know. Ahahaha.
I KNOW you go beyond the PAT page on FB because you knew about my soup thing. HA! Gotcha.
Sure, sign me up – I’ve already brought you 20 of my fb friends, but I’m up for the challenge! I can take on any reader here and and Krisbutt with the best!
Bring it.
But can my turn to “bring it” wait until March? I just realized I have 2 college classes, a wildly popular small business, a wedding to plan, a kid to raise, and an international travel week next month.
OK? Thanks.
First? I did not go beyond my blog’s fan page to see that soup thing.
I got an email notification about that invitation. I usually just delete those emails, but I opened yours. So HA!
And? Get back to me next month.
I can’t be keeping records of shit weeks in advance of needing that information.
Not fucking even.
Heather -
Also?
You are way braggy and gloaty.
Where are you going?
make fans work for ad space and the spotlight! awesome you.
I know!
If there isn’t a huge ego-crushing backlash, this might turn out to be all geniusy!
Fingers crossed for the second result.
Ahem.
genius. i love it.
I am busy smacking away the potential backlash leaders.
I will keep you posted.
Hee hee!
Umm, I’m all confused. Why is there PAT on Facebook? Isn’t hat like repetition only nit as good? Facebook is like the poor mans blog.
I am a big fan of PAT, but shall remain facelessbook (see what I dud there? Clever!)
Speaking of links though (we were, keep up) I have the perfect non-blog page to link too, and will design a nice ad fir it when I get time. (getting time means leaving work before midnight)
Wow I am a poor speller when using iPhone to comment!
Ben . . .
The Facebook fan page is not the actual blog. It’s just a place where I post the links to my blog’s posts, and fans are sent alerts that a new post has been put up. Some people comment over there, but not too many.
PAT doesn’t have an actual Facebook presence. It’s just a fan page for this blog.
And I look forward to your link.
As I look forward to all communications from you.
Love you.
Kris
Jesus.
I don’t put that much effort into things my daughter wants me to do, and she’s going to be picking out the home I’m going to be tossed into once I start pooping myself.
Being your friend is too much fucking work.
Don’t fuck with me, Nigel.
No way you lift a finger to click on the Facebook link.
No fucking way.
Good thing I love you.
You may stay.
Nigel?
You may continue to refer to me as Jesus.
That works.
Snort!
You just love me because I don’t put up with any of your shit.
Don’t worry.
I won’t tell anyone.
Nigel?
As your savior, I feel obligated to tell you that you need to start doing a better job of worshiping me.
Or there will be hell to pay.
Jesus
ha! too much fucking work. sweet…love that.
nigel are you sure you’re not related?
Man, I sure hope not.
Hee.
Snort!
Cassidy?
You are NOT allowed to gang up on me with Nigel.
NOT ALLOWED.
i am so allowed as this is my only allowed means of communicating.
What a smart ass!
Call me.
I will pick up the fucking phone.
Smart ass.
hmmmm bossy you!
OK, and then don’t pick up the phone.
You are so related to me.
Snort!
omg is it showing…yikes. why didn’t somebody tell me i’ve been walking around like this all day ugh.
How about your pockets?
Are they tucked in?
Snort!
I will fan you. I will tell my friends to fan you. Sadly, you do not want my friends as your fans. Sigh.
Uh oh.
What’s wrong with your friends?
Tell me before they get here!
They are all hometown homies that I mostly do not care for. We are just talking my FB friends here. My real friends? Kick ass.
Also? Sorry if I left another comment at the end. I didn’t think this one posted earlier. Double sigh.
Oh my god.
You people are KILLING me!
Why are you friends with all these people you don’t like?
You better hope they don’t show up here and take a look around.
Snort!
I will of course fan you. I will even tell all FB friends that I think would get you about you. But a) I work not to have many FB friends,
b) there is a growing unsettling trend of born-again christians in my friend group—and while I love you, their purity meters would probably burst at the first “fuck”,
c) Why are so fucking many of my friends embracing organized religion to the point where they get all huffy-puffy at a “fuck”?
d)I’m imagining I may not have to work at keeping my friend group smallish in the near future.
Where was I?
Oh, yes. I will bring the cookies. And a cake.
Steph?
You may not want to direct your friends to this particular comment of yours.
Also? I would imagine the current Facebook fans will be helping out . . . and I will be talking this up. No need for the 60 to all come from your friends alone.
But seriously, don’t direct your friends to this comment.
Hee hee!
And baked goods?
I am all swoony for cookies!
Yay!
Babe, I will so like your page. I tend to forget I have a page of my own.
But seeing as how I barely remember that I have a page of my own to attract people to, I will not under any circumstances suggest to anyone else that somehow I have this ability and can bring people to their pages.
So not able to happen. Not even gonna pretend.
But I will absolutely like your page. I’ll even post a status about it on my page. I will also make my blog page like your blog page. (Because that is within my moderately inept social media power.)
But without dinner and nice hotel room, that’s really all I can promise.
Lori -
I love you.
I will be crushing you beneath my steel-toed bloggy boots, but I will continue to love you.
Snort!
Ahem.
However, if there is to be dinner and a hotel room?
Then why on earth are we still talking about blogs?
Get with the flirty talk, woman!
Also?
Less clothing.
Let me just take off these heavy boots.
Ok:
Liking Pretty All True: check.
Making my page like your page: check.
Status update with appropriate girl-on-girl action undertones: check.
And let me know if you need a tiara.
Ooooh . . . now we’re talking.
I have a tiara!
And a scepter as well.
My scepter is magic.
It so is.
Hey, my tiara comes with a strap-on, your scepter can certainly be magic.
I will need batteries.
A quick stop at Costco before we meet up and I’m all set.
I already like your Facebook fan page.
But seeing as how I only have like 40 friends, the majority of those being family who don’t read blogs or even know that I have one, I don’t think I would be able to help you get 60 new likers.
But I can, if you like, pimp your FB page out on twitter every now and then. For free. No bribing necessary. ;)
Plus also? I have chocolate chip cookies. Mmm!
Stasha -
Having a smallish number of Facebook friends is not necessarily a stumbling block.
I will be helping with promotion.
The rest of my Facebook fans will help spread the word (right, people?).
You will get credited for anyone who adds just because they like me (I do add a certain number of people to my fan page every month just by virtue of being fabulous).
Ahem.
So your reach would expand beyond the circle of people to whom you generally have access.
Really.
But those cookies?
I will take those right this minute.
Yum!
I would totally try and amass you a gigantic facebook army, only I need to focus on getting myself an army.
Which is really hard, as I’m neither as awesome as you, nor do that many people like me.
However I am your fan. So I am a tiny, insignificant part of your army.
And I think that makes me awesome.
Right?
RIGHT!?!?
Megan -
SEE?
That’s why this really isn’t for bloggers.
We all need to collect Facebook Armies of our own, and asking you to do it on my behalf feels weirdly cannibalistic and predatory.
But the fact that you personally are in my Facebook Army?
YES!
That makes you awesome.
Although, seriously . . . you have way more awesome at your disposal.
You so do.
Okay, so guess what you need to do?
(Don’t you just LOVE comments that start that way?)
(No need to answer, I know you’re saying “yes” all breath-ily to the computer screen.)
(‘Cause you want me.)
(Don’t be ashamed.)
Anyway, we were discussing your to-do list.
1. Make your responses to comments send an email. Now, I realize you have a little check-y box. Except I suck at remembering to check said box. And if I do remember it’s .2 seconds after I’ve hit “submit comment” which means there’s no freaking way I can get it processed in time. So then I miss out on our beautiful conversation. And that’s freaking TRAGIC. And I know a little something about tragedy. I forgot my lunch today. It’s pretty devastating. Then I forget you don’t send emails, so I don’t think to check back and see if you’ve responded. Do you see why this is a crisis of epic proportions?
2. Why are you even thinking of number 2 – have you done number 1 yet? HUH???
3. Feel free to laugh at my use of the phrase “number two.” Unless you’re more mature than me, then just ignore this.