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In honor of this being the year in which I take over the blogging world, it occurs to me that I should have what Mark so often refers to as a plan.
The word plan is all troubly to me.
If I have a plan, that suggests I have expectations. If I have a plan, the fulfillment of this plan’s objectives are somehow my responsibility (this issue has arisen in the past, so I speak from experience). If I have a plan, there is always the possibility of future public failure (and mocking) when this plan fails to come to fruition.
Seriously . . . fuck that.
So in this year of Kris taking over the blogging world?
I will choose instead to manipulate you.
Manipulation is like a plan except with none of the bad stuff.
So here’s the deal.
I do not love Facebook.
I love Pretty All True’s fan page on Facebook, but I do not love being on Facebook as my actual Kris self. I have many real-life friends and family members with whom I am hopelessly out of touch because I never pay attention to what they are saying on Facebook. They are all pissed at me.
But as this pissiness is generally also expressed on Facebook?
I am blithely unaware.
I seriously never go past Pretty All True’s fan page on Facebook.
Sorry, real-life friends and family.
OK, so I love my Facebook fans, and I would love more Facebook fans.
I need you to go get them for me.
The Facebook troops I have already amassed?
You are fabulous, but you are not yet equipped to take over the blogging world on my behalf. I love you all, but if I send you into battle all yelly and boastful . . .
Kris is the Queen! Pretty All True is pretty all fucking royally awesome!
Huge carnage, people.
Huge bloody carnage.
And even though Dooce’s photographs of the bloody carnage would be exquisite?
And even though Allie Brosh’s artistic renderings of the slaughter would be hilarious?
Those are images I can live without.
I need a bigger Facebook Army!
You can make this happen.
Plus? I have bribes!
Here we go.
1) Every month I will select one Facebook fan to be Pretty All True’s Facebook Fan of the Month. It is possible I will come up with a catchier name for this honor, but you get the idea.
2) This fan will be selected totally arbitrarily by me from the pool of Pretty All True Facebook fans who have expressed interest in becoming the Facebook Fan of the Month.
3) On the first of each month? I will announce this person’s name and make a note of my total number of Facebook fans.
4) My Facebook Fan of the Month (I do need a cooler name for this honor) will then work like mad to add 60 fans to Pretty All True’s fan page.
5) As soon as 60 fans are added? I will put up a link on my blog to whatever the fuck my Facebook Fan of the Month wants to link. Facebook page, Etsy shop, Twitter ID, Home business, Youtube video, Family photos . . . whatever the fuck you want to link, I will link it.
a. With one important caveat . . . no blog links. Really.
b. Yes, I am serious. No blog links and no links to blog fan bases of any sort.
6) That link will stay on my blog until the beginning of the next month, at which time I will announce a new Facebook Fan of the Month.
Alright, I see a few hands are already raised.
But Kris! What if on the 2nd of the month, you manage to alienate a shitload of readers with a post about adult men who wear diapers and then actually become sexually aroused as their partners change said diapers?
But Kris! Why can’t I link a blog?
Because my writing readers already have an avenue for linking their blogs here on Pretty All True. Bloggers may submit as many posts as they like for Featured Blogger consideration. Make Me Come!
But Kris! Why can’t I link to a blog fan base?
Because I said so.
But Kris! How will I be assured that your choice of Facebook Fan of the Month is random?
I did not say it would be random. I said it would be arbitrary.
But Kris! How do I know I will get credit for the fans I bring in?
You will get credit for the next 60 fans that are added after I announce your name. If 60 fans are added through no doing of your own? You win big.
But Kris! What if it takes me three weeks to add 60 fans to the Facebook Fan Page?
Umm . . . then your link runs for only one week. Bummer.
But Kris! What if I am a sneaky asshole and add 60 fans that immediately unlike you after the end of the month?
You would be wise to expect that if such a thing were to happen? I would point that shit out in a public forum.
Soooo . . .
If you would like to be considered for Pretty All True Facebook Fan of the Month for the month of February?
Let me know!