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OK, so I am watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last night.
I have a couple of episodes stacked up on the DVR, so I sit down all happily.
Strangely, Bravo appears to be running two seasons of Real Housewives concurrently (that means at the same time, people) . . . so I have new episodes from both Atlanta and Beverly Hills.
I know what you’re thinking.
Kris, be careful! Don’t mix your cities! You will get all confused!
Normally, I would agree. But Bravo has thoughtfully addressed this problem by sorting the women by color.
Beverly Hills is paler.
Atlanta is less pale, plus that Kim chick, who is in a fucking crayon box all by herself.
So I click on a random DVR’d episode.
Hmm . . . Beverly Hills . . . definitely.
I am not going to recap the episode for you here, because I am probably weeks behind. I’m sure you have already worked through the twinges of sympathetic angst you felt when Kathy Hilton called her tragically un-blond sister to let her know that she would not be attending the tragically un-blond sister’s daughter’s college graduation. So not cool.
Also? When I graduated from college? No one gave me an enormous sparkly diamond cocktail ring.
Yet another in a lifetime of small deprivations with which I have had to deal.
Where was I?
Oh yes . . . Camille Grammer, wife of Kelsey Grammer.
As she appears on Real Housewives? Camille Grammer does not appear to be a joy to live with or fuck, but that may be down to editing. Those Bravo people are all devilly with the splicing. Or maybe she really is a superior cold weird bitch. I don’t have that much actual knowledge about her except her neck is way too long and one time she posed for Playboy.
However, when I plug Kelsey Grammer’s name into the vast jumbled mass of gossipy information in my brain, here’s what comes back . . .
Alcoholism, drug abuse, childhood tragedies, violence, dysfunction, sex tape, playboy model, strippers, fucked up, physical abuse, multiple marriages, heart attack, infidelity, whiney-ass motherfucker who refuses to grow up and be a man.
Yeah.
So when I watched the first episode of The Housewives of Beverly Hills? When I saw Kelsey Grammer wave to the cameras and head off to New York to be in a play? Leaving his wife and kids behind for a year?
I assumed that whiney-ass motherfucker who refuses to grow up and be a man would not be coming back.
Camille, babe?
I hope you were in on this.
No one in America thought he was coming back, Camille.
Please tell me you didn’t think he was coming back.
Sigh.
OK, so Kelsey Grammer heads off to New York to be loved and adored and fucked by at least one woman who is not his wife.
They didn’t actually show that part in the episodes I watched, but it happened.
And then Kelsey Grammer thinks to himself . . . hey, it is way big fun to fuck this younger adoring woman who is not my wife and who makes no real demands of me and who accepts me for who I really am and who is possibly my fucking soulmate.
Emphasis on the fucking.
So he picks up the phone to announce to Camille that it is time for him to feel truly loved and appreciated and so he is done being married, thank you very much.
At first, this part of the story surprised me.
I would have assumed that a whiney-ass motherfucker who refuses to grow up and be a man would text this sort of information . . .
Camille! FMS! Yay!
(FMS = Found My Soulmate)
But then I realized that . . . duh . . . the new undemanding woman was probably blowing him as he spoke to his wife. Whiney-ass motherfuckers are invincible when their cocks are being sucked.
Plus also? Remarkably coherent for a short while . . .
Camille? After much thoughtful consideration, I have decided that our relationship is just not working for me any longer. I will always love you, but I find I am no longer in love with you. I am moving on, Camille. I’m sorry, and I know that this is sad news, but . . . mmmmmph ooooggghhhh fuck aughghhgh ahhhhhhh . . . oh my god . . . oooooh.
Camille? I have to go.
Anyway.
And then?
After all this bullshit?
I watch incredulously as Camille is summoned to New York to attend the Tony Awards with her husband. Because he has an image to protect, and because he is not ready to make the announcement about the new soulmate of fucking. I watch as Camille flits about and agonizes over which dress to wear and hopes into the camera that she and Kelsey can work through this.
I should mention that she is flitting about in a hotel room, because Kelsey won’t let her stay at their New York apartment.
Yeah . . . that shit’s not getting worked out.
Kelsey Grammer . . . A whiney-ass motherfucker who refuses to grow up and be a man.
Update! (Which means I Googled)
Kelsey Grammer says he’s getting married in February! To the new soulmate of fucking, who is young and blond. Small details to be worked out include his divorce from Camille, which has yet to be finalized. Possible stumbling blocks in these divorce proceedings include the lack of a pre-nup (!!!) and Camille’s raging bitter hostility (Go, Camille!). In making the rounds of the talk shows, Camille has hinted that Kelsey may be a cross-dresser.
SNORT!
For next week . . .
Kim, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta . . .
Trashy color-blind goddawful singer? Or wannabe slave owner?
Discuss.
I love Bravo.
I love the Real Housewives of Atlanta/NJ! The trashier the better in my opinion! :o) I’m addicted to Bravo.
But if you want really fucked up people…watch Toddlers & Tiaras on TLC. You will feel like the best mommy in the world compared to some of these psychos!
Just so you know I heard that Kelsey Grammar wore women’s panties to meet the president
Who told you this?
Hmmmm . . .
You know what, though?
I prefer my dysfunction without children playing a big role.
I couldn’t watch that Toddlers and Tiaras nonsense.
I would just weep for those poor innocent kids who are on that show only because their parents are insane.
ACK!
I prefer to judge grown-ups without the distraction of tiny beauty queens.
I am all comfy finding grown-ups lacking.
Its best not to watch.
I just saw my first episode with my mom and we almost came to tears. A mother was WAXING her five yr olds eyebrowns. FIVE! This poor little girl was screaming.:o(
I can barely stand taking my kids to get shots and this mom is waxing and plucking this poor child’s face.
ACK!
See, I can’t do that.
Kathy Griffin demanding that her male assistant get his balls waxed? Yes! I want to watch that show!
Small girls crying as they get their eyebrows waxed?
No.
I am about to be disowned.
I do not watch Real Housewives from anywhere. If you worked with the people I do? You’d have enough trashy drama to last a lifetime.
I will not disown you!
I am way accustomed to being mocked for my love the Housewives.
You are by far the more reasonable TV viewer.
I would never disown you!
I need sanity in my life!
Sanity? Here? Hahahaha!
By the way, I will be watching GhostHunters International tonight.
That’s reasonable my TV.
If I can get the remote from he who watches reruns of Cops 24/7.
OK, you and I are NEVER WATCHING TV TOGETHER.
Snort!
I love Bravo! Especially the Real Housewives….all of them. Ok, maybe not love all, but def much like! Bev Hills is my fave. These beeyotches have actual money. The other ladies from the other series hold fruit during the opening credits. Not the ladies from Bev Hils. They hold diamonds. They want everyone to know just how much they have. I am probably in the minority here, but I kind of feel bad for Camille. I don’t think she is an innocent little lamb, but I dont think she is as bad as Bravo has made her out to be. They always have to have a villain and this season it is Camille. I love watching these ladies and their multiple layers of dysfunctionality. (is that even a word?) Nice escape from reality.
Alicia -
I agree. I love every single season of The Real Housewives. I have seen every episode and I have watched some of the episodes more than once (like when I was sick and watched a marathon even though I had already seen them all).
Ahem.
And yes, I think Camille is weird. But I also think Bravo always picks someone to exaggerate in negative fashion. Camille got lucky this time.
Snort!
I love Bravo!!! First Charles N. R. and now this, we have much to tweet about.
You nailed it. I’m so disappointed in kelsey. But Camille seems like no prize, as she insists on kissing that hot married dude guytoy of hers on the lips every time she sees him.
I predict they’ll be an official couple, and he will tell his wife that he’s found HIS soulmate, within 6 months. Writing’s on the wall.
I have a post pending about RHOBH myself..will let you know when it’s done.
Gigi -
The weird lip-kissing with the married guy?
Yes, that is very strange indeed. But I don’t think those two will end up together. I just think she must really have no respect at ALL for the woman to whom he is married. She might as well lift her leg and pee on him every time she sees him.
Oh, this is your husband?
You won’t mind if I pee on him, will you?
Or kiss him?
Or fuck him?
Yeah, Camille might fuck him.
But no way they end up together.
No way.
He’s just a fire hydrant.
I’ve never watched an episode of Real Housewives.. of any city. But I can say with most certainty that I think I like your version much better.
Natalie -
You do not even know what you are missing.
AWESOME SHOW!
Promise.
I have major issues when it comes to infidelity (in tv and movies) these days, so I would be a wreck watching these shows. Of course, I didn’t watch them before, so I don’t feel deprived.
And I completely agree with your assessment of Kelsey. Loser. Ugh!
Mary -
There are many losers in the world.
Yes, Kelsey among them.
Ugh.
I love trashy TV way too much. My favorite is Bad Girls Club on Oxygen.
I also find the gruesome train wreck that is 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom to be quite entertaining.
I watched one episode of Real Housewives, I think it was Atlanta, and I couldn’t follow what was going on because it was in the middle of the season. I’ll have to give it another go.
Also Kelsey Grammer has always given me the heebie jeebies.
Also, also, also people who cheat during their marriage and then marry the person they cheated with, expecting everything to remain all sexy and easy are ridiculous.
Your points . . .
1) I have watched Bad Girls Club before, but that show (at least when I saw it) was too violent for me. ACK!
2) 16 and Pregnant is a good show on a day when I am feeling sluggish and unaccomplished. In comparison? I am awesome!
3) The Real Housewives, in whichever incarnation? Awesomeness!
4) Kelsey Grammer is all kinds of heebie jeebie-ish. Always has been.
5) Totally agreed. Those people are delusional. Totally.
OK firstly, I have never seen this show. I am not even sure they play it here. Second, I have a thing for older men so I get the fucking older men thing, except Kelsey Grammar. Also, I have an image in my head now of him and some young hot thang, and I must now go and reach up my nostril and wash my brain.
Older men are way yummy!
Except not Kelsey Grammer.
Ick.
And your brain is washable?
That must be an upgrade I neglected to purchase.
I need that!
There are some things I would so like to un-know and un-see!
Snort!
He will forever be the dithering idiot Frasier Crane in my mind. Speaking in the fake accent. Bumbling fool. Never having success with any woman. UGH. He’s just so gross.
Now, can CAmille remain on the show if she is no longer a wife?
Hmmm . . . I would imagine Camille will return.
They have had other women who were not married on this show (Bethany Frankel comes to mind).
And I would imagine she wants to come back, if only to talk some shit about Kelsey.
Yay!
Wow. I’m kind of glad we don’t have cable (all what is commonly known as TV in this country…)
I am just curious to find out whether there is pre-nup involved in his new marriage.
Me?
I’m betting the new marriage never happens.
Marriages of the immediate gratification sort rarely like to stand around and be patient while other marriages are ended.
Snort!
I have absolutely nothing to add, can you believe …
I am still floored that you watch any of this.
I don’t get the fascination of reality tv!
(but will admit to having watched a couple of Bachelor finales)
Guess we could drink wine together instead of watch tv … I do prefer my wine as a pinot, rather than with a penis just fyi …
At the end of the day, Nicole?
I like TV that allows me to just shut down my brain and not think.
I think too much.
It’s exhausting.
And you have your wine.
I will have a beer.
No dipping.
Snort!
No surprise there. Frazier sucked and Kelsey Grammar sucks.
The end.
Snort!
Ok I also love RH of most cities. The only one I had trouble with? NJ. Just didn’t like any of those ladies(?).
Now on to the Kelsey-Camille gossip. I heard they hadn’t had sex in like 10 years because, as Camille put it “it never worked out for us”. Hmm. One of them is a closet gay? But then is this girl Kelsey is marrying really a girl?
Ok enough of that. I guess. So hilarious in some ways. And RHONY is starting soon. Though I will miss Bethenny. Who will Kelly freak out over now? Sigh. It just won’t be the same.
smirk
Hee hee!
I have no idea if either of them is gay, and if I had to pick one of them?
It would be a total coin toss.
Totally.
And Kelly will find something to freak out out about, don’t you worry.
What was it she was ranting in that one episode?
Satchels of gold! Satchels of gold!
Yeah, she’ll still be crazy.
Yay!
Yeah that was at Bethenny after calling her a cook. And saying that because she doesn’t work in a restaurant she’s not a chef. Bethenny says something like so my graduating from culinary school doesn’t make me a chef???
It was crazy. Kelly starts it all & then complains about everyone attacking her. Funny until it got scary.
Camille comes across the same way. So the only one I can’t figure out is which of the Atlanta ladies is the crazy one. Because none of them seem too bad.
Okay see you got me started. I admit it I love Bravo shows. Though I miss Project Runway. Lifetime doesn’t do the repeats. :(
You can’t find the crazy in the Atlanta group?
You don’t need to look any farther than Kim.
Are you kidding me?
That woman is nuts.
Yeah but she’s funny crazy not psycho crazy. I think they have to have one psycho crazy on each show lol.
Though I think the crazies on OC are the husbands. Some of those guys are wackos. “no my wife can’t go anywhere without me.” Contol freaks.
The husbands on all of these shows are a little bit crazy.
But the OC husbands were a special group.
They were nuts.
I watch all the Housewives shows. I cannot help myself. It’s like watching a train wreck. I can’t tear my eyes away.
But Camille Grammer being poorly edited? I’m not buying that. These are my reasons for considering her, as you put it, a weirdly cold superior bitch:
1. She had both her child by surrogate…not because she was infertile, but because she refused to “ruin her figure.”
2. She has four (count ‘em…FOUR!) nannies. To my eyes, it doesn’t look like she really has much to do OTHER than be a mom. Yeah, that’s some great mothering there.
3. She is absolutely gifted at passive-aggressiveness. I don’t know where she learned that shit, but I want to take that post-doctorate course!
4. She acts like the biggest See-U-Next-Tuesday I’ve ever had the dubious privilege of watching.
Other than the above, I have no opinion.
Snicker!
Katie -
Happy sighs.
Yes, all of what you say is true.
Plus also?
I love you even more now.
I so want to watch this show with you!
Swoon!
Yay! Mutual love! Awesomeness!
Ya know, ya really don’t live all that far from me…
Hee!
Ack!
Silly you.
Hahahaha…I am laughing so hard…my favorite part…FMS! Sooo funny.
Happy sighs that made you giggle.
I liked that as well.
Hee hee!