We wake this morning to a lovely bright sunny day.
Yay!
Mark and I decide to take the girls to Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden over in Portland. The flower gardens aren’t in bloom at the moment, but it’s still a gorgeous park. There is a lake and small streams and lots of paths and small bridges and places to explore.
Awesomeness!
Mark and I are all happy, and we share the plans for the day with Maj and Kallan.
That did not go well.
I will spare you the details of their anguished tweenie response, but there was this from me. . .
“LISTEN TO ME! I AM NOT TAKING ANY MORE OF THIS BAD ATTITUDE FROM EITHER ONE OF YOU. I AM IN A GOOD MOOD AND THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN! I HAVE HAD IT! LADIES, YOU BETTER START ADDING TO THE HAPPINESS OF MY DAY RIGHT THIS SECOND!”
Damn it.
Kallan and Maj both stare at me defiantly.
Maj says, “I don’t need to add to the happiness of your day. You are exactly as happy as you deserve to be.”
Kallan nods.
I bring my face down to theirs, “I am not kidding you. I am going to point out three things to you, and if I am not significantly happier after I point out these three things? You two can just stay here.”
They glare at me.
“One! Your father and I do not need to consult you on this family’s every move. We are going to the park and it is going to be fun.”
They glare at me.
“Two! You can buy food to feed the ducks and geese, and the two of you are not so lame that you cannot find joy in feeding birds.”
They glare at me.
“Three! When I say I want you to add to the happiness of my day? I mean you had better start ADDING TO THE HAPPINESS OF MY DAY. Because the only thing that would make me happier than a lovely family outing to the park would be to hire the two of you out to one of the neighbors for a day of yard-work.”
Instant false smiles and hurried cooperation from my daughters.
Yay!
I am all happy.
I am all good parenty up in here!
So we are driving.
Sullen girls in the back of the car. Mark and I ignoring them.
We are just approaching the bridge that will take us over the river and into Portland when a scream splits the air.
Kallan.
She has been throwing her iPod mindlessly into the air, and she has managed to hit herself in the mouth with it.
SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING
And then we are across the bridge and Mark pulls over and parks. Kallan undoes her seatbelt and hurls herself forward and into my lap. I check for broken teeth and find none. Check for blood and find none. Push her two front teeth with my finger . . . stable.
Kallan is still wailing and screaming.
So I hug and soothe and comfort her until she quiets down.
Offer a magically medicinal Lifesaver mint.
And eventually manage to get her back into her seat, where she snuffles and snorts and sobs quietly.
And we continue on our way to the park.
Sigh.
Yay!
I try to distract Kallan, “Where did your iPod end up, anyway?”
Maj says, “She’s sitting on it, I think.”
I giggle, “Be careful, Kallan. Your iPod is in a sassy mood. Be a bummer if it bonked you in the teeth and then also snuck up your butt.”
Kallan snorts, but this time with laughter, “My iPod can’t go up my butt!”
Mark is all sage advice, “Oh, you’re wrong. I have often heard of iPods getting stuck where the sun don’t shine.”
Kallan leans forward, “What does that mean?”
I explain, “Your butt doesn’t get to come out in the sun, so when people talk about a place where the sun don’t shine, they mean your butt.”
Maj is incredulous, “Really, Mother? This seems like appropriate conversation to you? Really?”
I turn around, “What? I am being all educational! I can’t have the two of you walking around all foolish and happy when someone tells you to stick something where the sun don’t shine. Make a note: That’s not a good thing.”
Kallan is all giggles but curious, “What about boobs? Boobs don’t get to come out in the sun. How come they’re not the place where the sun don’t shine?”
I reach back to hold Kallan’s hand, “Silly you. When you guys are at school, I often lie out in the front yard to sun my boobs.”
Kallan is hysterical with giggles.
Maj is not, “Mother, that is disgusting!”
I speak soothingly, “I knew you would think so, Maj. That’s why I keep my boobs covered when you’re home. See what a good mother I am? I keep my boobs and my children completely separate.”
There is silence for a moment, and then I say musingly, “Of course, there was that long stretch of breastfeeding.”
Kallan giggles helplessly.
Maj giggles as well, “Mother, you are ridiculous.”
Yay!
The park?
It was awesome.
I do love a good family outing.
Snort!
Awesome, awesome, awesome. In New York it was 14 degrees. No park for us.
And since I took the time to actually READ the post, I know I will not be first. I can live with that.
Unlike those cheaters above me, who shall remain nameless.
Wow, must be a slow night..
Oh, Varda . . .
You have made me laugh out loud with your cheating allegations.
Especially as you ended up being the first commenter.
Snort!
Love you.
you WERE first, I must pass my gold stars to you Varda–
sniffle (I read it to , no cheating here)
Thank you, I could use a few gold stars tonight. I guess the super competitive firstie-whores, who comment and THEN read, took the night off tonight. (Not that I’m judging or anything)
Super competitive firstie whores?
I . . . am . . . dying.
And then more giggling from down here on the floor.
Where I am dead.
*giggle*
Then my job here is done.
Still dead.
*giggle*
Yeah! A new post with a side of snark! Just what I needed to sit here and eat my dessert.
LOVE your attitude adjustment technique? Hall of fame material babe…
Love it
Swoony
That is all (firsties with gold stars….again……sigh)
Yes, today was a bright sunny gorgeous day.
Perfect for snark hunting.
Snort!
On my phone. No website you’re lucky to get vowels.
But as someone who had worked many years in hospitals, I will not tell you the infinite variety of things that can get stuck where the sun don’t shine.
An iPod’s nuthin’.
Lori -
I did not share those stories with Kallan and Maj.
But I have Googled this very thing in the past.
The horror!
ACK!
There’s nothing better than being topless in the sun. Thank god for privacy fences and single story homes. These tatas like to let loose!
Snort!
My boobs are generally not out in the sun.
But oh how I love to torture the daughters with the imagined possibility.
Happy sighs.
okay, in response to this….we have 20 ft tall arborvitaes around our entire back yard…it’s like a fortress. the house we live in now used to be my parents house….so one day when they lived here, i came over, and just bust in like i always did….called out once for my dad, who was home (car was in the driveway) but he didn’t answer. i walked (quietly) out to the deck to see if he was in the pool……found him laying in the sun NAKED in the lawn chair with nothing on but a SOCK on….well, you know….i don’t even want to say the word because i’m talking about the one that belongs to my dad, and….eww! but a sock, a strategically placed sock to protect man parts from sunburning…lol. i slapped my hand over my mouth, quietly backed up, and tiptoed back into the kitchen. opened the door to the garage, slammed it as if i just got there, and YELLED “Dad are you home?” took the long way out to the deck all the while yelling “DAD!?!” and peeked around the corner onto the deck to see him standing up tying his bathing suit shorts back on. how i kept a straight face when i went out there and talked to him is beyond me! OMG!!! i just about died. he still to this day doesn’t know i saw him on the deck. LMAO. so yeah, sunning yourself naked, sounds good – but you never know who’s gonna sneak up on ya!
Sarah -
I step away for a short while, and you have been all busy and commenty!
Swoon!
And this story has me giggling hysterically!
Best story in a comment in a while!
Oh my god.
Penis sock!
Yay!
One of my co-workers (male) announced that he was going to start tanning in preparation for a trip to Hawaii so he didn’t end up a lobster. I told him not to forget his sock. He was confused and I then had to explain about sunburning sensitive areas etc etc.
His name is Mark.
Just a note.
Now I’m off to comment more about socks. Sockomizer!.
Is that what that expression means?? I Jnew it was about butts however I thought it meant the sun not shining out from there. Which doesn’t really make much sense. Your explanation seems mire likely. I’m feeling all educated today!
Ben -
How awesome would it be to have an ass from which the sun shone?
I would love that!
Ahem.
Yay! The happiness of your day was multiplied exponentially by place that lack of sunshine and boobs. And giggling Tweens.
Giggling Tweens?
Wait…
Isn’t that an oxymoron?
Renee -
Giggling tweens is an oxymoron.
It so is.
I am so pleased that my daughters were oxymoronic today!
What?
Goof grief, even a non-flowering rhododendron park sounds lovely.
I love me some winter, but it’s 3 degrees, and there are six foot drifts at the end of my driveway. The sun does shine here, though. So, that’s something.
I might even take the anguished tweenies and their response in order to get in on a nice frolic in a park.
Cameron -
OK, your weather sucks.
Here, it was chilly (48 degrees).
That meant almost everyone at the park was wearing shorts, in case you were wondering.
Snort! Silly people.
The park was so much fun!
Just awesome.
Also?
Did you click the link to see the photos of the park in the summer?
I can’t wait.
Genius threatening with hiring them out! I lol
Sunning the boobs is wonderful especially with an ice cold beer
Oh, now that does sound awfully fabulous.
Swoon!
i needed this tonight. some laughter, some humor, the idea of an ipod up the ass. lol. i’m all grumpy and out of sorts, emotional, teary…..and for no reason at all. PMS i’m thinking….my moodiness made me snap at my kids, my best friends kids, and then she and i got into a little tiff. i hate when that happens….she’s the closest thing i’ve got to a sister…and i hate any disagreement/misunderstanding with her. so, i needed this tonight! thanks for coming through for me! :)
and if you EVEN suggest i might be pregnant, like someone just did on FB in response to my status update about feeling out of sorts, i’ll be shoving my foot “where the sun don’t shine” for sure!! that FB commenter is lucky she’s not right here in front of me, or i’d kick her ass. i am D-O-N-E with babies. if one somehow took up residence in my uterus next to my IUD, i would slide into a deep depression for a long ass time before coming around!
Did you read my post from a few days ago?
Needy Depths, it was called.
You don’t need to be pregnant to be a hormonal mess.
I know what I’m talking about.
Yeah.
And I hate fighting with friends.
Hate it.
Much love to you and hopes for a happier tomorrow.
Sigh.
Plus also?
What kind of an asshole suggests ON FACEBOOK that you might be pregnant???
That’s insane.
of course i read needy depths! i read everything you write! ;) i’m working on the archives, too! lol….
….and yes, on fb….which then made me go into an explanation of how it is NOT pregnancy, but more likely PMS, but because i have an IUD, i have no idea when PMS will strike. T.M.I. for FB….but NO MORE BABIES! i loved MY babies….and i like to visit babies for a short time….but to have a baby completely take over your life like it does, i am ALL set. i love my 3 & 5 year olds!! independence rocks!
so, yes….let’s hope that tomorrow is a happier day. i’m going to bed now….hubby is out with his friends, kids are asleep….so i’m going up stairs with a fresh pair of AA batteries in my hand if you KWIM. ;) lol…
Sarah -
Yay for working your way through my archives!
Happy sighs.
As for Facebook?
Shit like that is why I HATE Facebook.
I love my blog’s fan page, but the actual interactions on Facebook?
More hostility than I like.
And then more explanations demanded.
And offered.
Ick.
Night, you.
Sleep well.
What kind of an asshole? All of my daughter’s in-laws in response to any sort off illness or out of sortsness post as well as every gosh I’m in a good mood today post. She had to get her dad in law to tell them to friggin’ stop seeing babies in everything she posts.
This is family?
The assholes are family?
I hate Facebook.
Snort!
You should have t-shirts made with your geniusy quote:
“You had better start adding to the happiness of my day.”
Oh, I would so wear such a T-shirt!
You are all geniusy yourself!
Wow, I wish my mother was able to think on her feet like you. Very entertaining.
I am all geniusy!
No one in my family thinks so, which is way annoying.
Thank you!
Lol I could make that tshirt happen. Love the you better add to my happiness threats. haha at the keeping the girls and sunbathing separate. If you get an ipod where the sun don’t shine I’d call that a sighpod
A sighpod?
Happy sighs at that thought.
No wait . . . that’s fucked up.
No wait . . .
Snort!
look! I am caught up! And I am all commenting! yay to me!
As a teacher, I approve of the educational content of this post.
Also? I am jealous of your park-going. It’s about 1 degree here and it snowed about 2 feet of snow just today.
no flowers or parks here.
Katie -
Yay for being all caught up!
Love that.
My plan is to never ever again live where it gets to be 1 degree outside.
ACK!
I so love the threats of hiring them out! I need to start keeping a notebook of the genisy things you say so I have them later for reference.
Also? I would so wear the “you’d beetter start adding to the happiness of my day” shirt. I so would. Can I get it with a Pretty All True logo? Hehehe :-)
Yes, a notebook filled with all my genius!
A smallish notebook, probably.
But all filled up!
Yay!
I have no Pretty All True merchandise.
Mark would get all giddy if I agreed to sell stuff.
He so would.
Snort!
That is it! The perfect P-A-T T-shirt… The Pretty All True logo on the front, and on the back “You better start adding to the happiness of my day.” CafePress will make up anything. 2 versions: black ink on white, or (for us sophisticated New Yorkers who won’t be caught dead in white T-shirts) white ink on black. Boy style and girl style.
I will buy 2. Mark will love you even more than he already does. And you will have money for some really nice beer. Make it so!
Snort!
You are all knowledgeable!
I will think about it.
It seems all time consumey to deal with merchandise.
I do not have much more time to offer for consumption.
We’ll see.
For what it’s worth, the only time consuming part is designing the shirt. They make them, process the orders, ship them and then deposit your percentage of the profits per your instructions. You make less per shirt than if you handled all the time consumey crap, but that’s the point. Right? /educational bit. Ha!
Hmmm.
Thank you!
Hmmm.
Yay! My comment did post (typo & all!). I was using my phone because I was already in bed and it yelled at me that my comment refused to post. Ah, well.
I’ve never done merchandise, so I don’t know the level of time-consuminess…but I would so buy stuff….assuming you didn’t make them Gucci/PAT shirts, cuz I’m broke & all…
Crap . . . these were so going to be Gucci/PAT shirts.
Snort!
You forgot Washington, your northly neighbor. Sun neglects to shine here too!
Oregon, asses and Washington equals NO FUCKING SUN!
I know!
Can you say Seasonal Affect Disorder?
Geez.