Eating a cookie as I type. Well, not as I type. That would be all messy and crumbs would fall into my keyboard and then later when I wasn’t around, the smaller badly behaved dog would leap up onto my chair and then up onto my desk and he would rip apart my keyboard with crazed Terrier teeth to get at those crumbs.
I would have to explain to Mark all about the cookie and the crumbs and the Terrier he never wanted in the first place and how now I need a new keyboard.
Mark would be unsympathetic.
So I am being careful with this cookie, alternating bites with typing.
Speaking of typing . . .
Maj calls me upstairs last night to test my skills against hers in an on-line typing test.
So cute!
I prepare to lose falsely and graciously so that Maj can feel good about all the typing practice she’s been doing.
Sit myself down and prepare to be all good-mommyish.
Maj reaches out and presses START before I even have a chance to process what the test involves.
ACK!
Motherfucking cheating daughter.
I am going to kick her ass.
I stare at the screen for a second, getting my bearings.
The test requires that I type a story that is printed on the screen in front of me. As I type the story, my typing will appear beneath the text already printed, and I get points for the spaces and characters I correctly match.
Fuck. I can really only type quickly when the words I am typing are flowing from my brain directly through my fingers.
I start typing. Maj shows me that the test is timed and that 20 seconds have already elapsed.
ACK! I am all stressed!
Type type type. Why is the screen filled with red?
Maj is giggling happily, “You messed up in the second word and now everything after that is wrong.”
FUCK!
Backspace backspace backspace.
I talk as I type, “This is ridiculous (backspace backspace)! No one in the world uses this many semi-colons (backspace backspace). Normal people do not write this way (backspace backspace)!”
Maj giggles and I yell at her, “Do not laugh at your mother, young lady! I am doing the best I can!”
Type type type type.
I glance at the screen and see it is filled with red again.
What the fuck?
I trace with my finger to see how this has happened.
OK, people?
I leave two spaces between sentences when I type. I have always typed this way and I do not care that this is no longer the accepted standard.
DO YOU HEAR ME?
I WILL CONTINUE TO LEAVE TWO SPACES AFTER A SENTENCE.
PERIOD.
TWO SPACES.
Turns out if you are stubborn about the whole two spaces thing? The typing test turns every fucking letter you type after that “error” bright red because you are fucking up.
Maj stands behind me and giggles happily as I fuck up again and again and again.
Damn it!
Backspace backspace backspace.
Maj suggests that I spend more time looking at the screen and less time looking at my fingers.
I am annoyed, “Maj, I am not a good typist unless I am typing my own thoughts. I can look at the screen but that’s not where I am used to my eyes resting. I generally watch my hands.”
She is all insufferable, “That’s wrong you know. Plus, you don’t hold your fingers properly. You know that, right? Mother? Are you listening to me?”
I ignore her and I flick my eyes back and forth from the screen to the keyboard as my fingers improperly reach for the proper letters . . . type type type type.
Maj leans gleefully over me, “Time’s up!”
The screen sassily announces that I have typed at a speed of 41 words per minute.
I have a bad-Mommy moment when I think that sure . . . 41 words per minute is a crappy score, but it should be enough to kick Maj’s sassy ass.
But then I glance at Maj, and her face is shining with anticipatory triumph.
Crap.
Maj sits down. Clicks START. Begins to type.
Like the motherfucking wind, people.
Her fingers are placed properly and her eyes are riveted to the screen. Yes, she occasionally makes mistakes, but she catches them immediately and backspaces to fix. As she types she explains that she would normally be able to type much more quickly than this, but Kallan is throwing a tantrum downstairs (true, by the way) and the screaming is very distracting (also true).
Type type type type.
When the time is up, Maj’s score appears on the screen.
65 words a minute.
Hmmph.
Maj jumps and dances about the room in an awesome display of good sportsmanship.
She reaches out her hand, palm up, “Mother! I will low-five you! Because of your lowness!”
Because I am an idiot, I reach for her hand and she whips it away, “Too slow, Mother! Too low and too slow! How does it feel to be a loser, Mother? That starts with an L, by the way. Ring finger, right hand . . . make a note!”
Sigh.
Maj races away and I follow slowly.
All defeated.
Kallan meets me breathlessly on the stairs, “Daddy says he cannot believe what a pain I am, but if you say I can make cookies it’s alright with him! Can I make cookies?”
I would like a cookie.
So today?
Cookies as I type.
Snickerdoodles.
Kallan is a very good cook.
A better cook than I am, pretty sure.
Sigh.
Oh. My. Stars.
I type just like you do!
Well, with one exception …
I do leave only one space between sentences.
Please don’t hit me!
I must surmise from this fact that you are younger than I am.
When did this one-space after periods thing happen, anyway?
I reject it.
No, dear.
We are close in age, but I think I? Am a teeny bit older.
I learned the two spaces thing too, but my current job? Requires that I leave only one space.
Deep in my heart? I am leaving two.
OK, so when did this two-space thing happen?
Why was I not consulted?
I can’t find the date, but? I will keep looking.
I’m all anal about stuff like that.
I did find this, however.
“Professional typesetters, designers, and desktop publishers should use one space only. Save the double spaces for typewriting, email, term papers (if prescribed by the style guide you are using), or personal correspondence. For everyone else, do whatever makes you feel good.”
Can I get an Amen?
Oh, I will so give you an AMEN!
I do like a rule that tells me to do what makes me feel good!
Amen.
There should always be two spaces after a period. Always. I am old and inflexible to these stupid changing grammar & punctuation rules. Those things? Should not be changing. What next? Redefining what a verb is? Hmph.
Also? I’m a very fast typist…7 years of data entry for the post orifice. I rock. On the days that I don’t suck. Oh yeah.
Yes!
I am also old and inflexible. I do understand WHY they have made a change, but it is too late for me. My fingers do two spaces after a period, and there is no way I am going to be able to change that.
No way.
Even if I wanted to change it.
Which I do not.
As for your typing?
How fast are you?
Hmm, I don’t know how fast I type now. It’s been a long time since I’ve officially clocked myself. I used to be about 90-100wpm.
There are some days tho? That I couldn’t type my way out of a paper bag. My fingers just get all confused. Annoying, really.
As a fast typist I know how easy it is for your fingers to go on autopilot and type orifice when your brain is thinking office. Every time I try to type a word that starts with “ol” my fingers automatically write Oliver. That’s the name of my boss and I write a lot of emails to him.
Although for your fingers to be pre-programmed to write orifice? That makes me wonder.
*giggles*
Haven -
No one mentioned “orifice” but you.
Explain yourself.
Kris
In WTH am I Doing’s comment…
“7 years of data entry for the post orifice”
Not to be all grammar police on your blog, but I just know that to be one of the problems with fast typing. Your fingers go faster than your brain sometimes.
Plus, post orifice? Way too good for you to have missed.
I CANNOT BELIEVE I MISSED THAT!
I thought you had gone all loony and orificey for no reason whatsoever.
Snort!
You are clearly slipping Kris. Snap out of it!!
(notice 2 spaces between my sentence.)
Taps Kris on the shoulder and gently points to WTH’s post about the “post orifice”.
Just sayin’.
And, though I am younger than you, I’ll state for the record that I learned two spaces after a period on a manual typewriter!
*hobbles away*
Guess what?
We are old.
Yay!
Yeah.
Someone did mention orifice above
“Also? I’m a very fast typist…7 years of data entry for the post orifice. I rock. On the days that I don’t suck. Oh yeah.”
And apparently I’m too slow, and two people commented on that before me.
Oops
Oh my god . . . I missed that.
My apologies to Haven.
Snort!
Well now I feel kinda bad because this WTH am I doing person is going to come back to these comments and be like “WTH? Three people felt the need to comment on my typo? THREE? REALLY?!”
But I’m not even making fun. Cuz I totally get it. I really do.
I’m sure when I took Biology I turned in at LEAST two or three papers that talked about “multicellular orgasms”.
Miss WTH has an awesome sense of humor, and she will not take offense.
Promise.
Also?
I once typed a paper in which (and I swear this is true), I misspelled can’t as cun’t.
Not once, but several times.
Before the days of word processing, and I had no white-out.
No way was I re-typing the whole thing.
Maybe the teacher wouldn’t notice.
He noticed.
Laughter just EXPLODED out of my face.
That. is. awesome.
Not one of my finer academic moments.
I still remember the red circles and the slashed exclamation points next to my typos.
Sigh.
Dear lord…who knew my orifice would cause such a stir!
It actually wasn’t an accident (altho I do that sort of thing frequently)…I may have some bitter feelings toward the postal service.
Perhaps.
Going postal? Becomes more understandable when you’ve worked there for a while. I just determined that my idiot coworkers/managers/etc were not worth jail.
Now if you will excuse me…I feel the need to go fill out something in triplicate….*sigh*
Oooo. I want some of those multicellular orgasms things. Much better that post orafices. Did I even spell those right? :)
Oh and I totally agree…multicellular orgasms? Way cooler than postal orifices.
I put two spaces between sentences also. That is how I was taught many years ago and it is a habit I have never broken!
Thanks for the laughs everyday!
Exactly!
My fingers are all happy!
End a sentence, put a period, and then two spaces.
My fingers are not going to be able to unlearn that habit.
Not ever.
Kris
My oldest son Nathan beat me at age 13 with a typing test. I thought that was great. Maj!!! Maj!!!
But those typing tests are bullshit.
I would like to see if either of your daughters can write like you or in their own even better way.
Have either of them expressed interest in creative writing?
When my oldest son was about Maj’s age he and I shared a journal that we passed back and forth. Leaving it under each other’s pillows when we were done.
It was easier to get him to talk to me this way.
My daughter however would have considered this WORK and not been interested in the slightest. She always made her opinions known right away anyway.
My son would hang back and say nothing and I knew he had things to say. The journal worked well with teen angst.
I am delighted Maj can type that well!
Annoyed but delighted.
And Maj writes stuff all the time. She and I occasionally write one another notes to express things we can’t seem to resolve in conversation.
Lately, however, most of Maj’s stories are about an imaginary younger sister who is the devil sent to torture her angelic older sister.
Snort!
i think that maj should guest post with one of her stories of her imaginary, “older sister torturing”, younger sister.
plus? even after you SAID you left two spaces? i went back and looked and could not tell.
i learned to type with 2 spaces, but i never actually did it, so when it changed (i don’t know when that happened, by the way) i never had to unlearn anything. i’m all smart that way.
and i type in all lowercase. it’s easier. and looks artistic. ;)
i started taking a typing class, i need some structure in my life.
Oh, you make me laugh.
Yes . . . typing is what is required!
Hee hee!
I did not realize the two space rule changed. I’m glad you took that test, that was a close one.
It was not a close one at all.
Maj kicked my ass.
But I am happy to have educated you about the nonsensical two-space rule.
Feel free to disregard that rule.
That’s my plan.
Here’s what we should do. I’ll remotely control your computer and take the typing test for you. You just smash keys wildly quick with your fingers and at the end when Maj sees that you have typed 130 words per minute with 100% accuracy she will be forced to bow down to your highly superior typing skills.
It will be awesome.
Also yes I type 130 wpm but only because I have been in front of the computer for 6-12 hours a day for the past 8 years. And I hold my hands on the home keys. That helps a lot. It so does.
YOU TYPE AT 130 WORDS PER MINUTE?
That is fucking insane.
How do we make this remote control thing happen?
I am way good at the random key-smashing.
Maj won’t suspect a thing!
I took a typing class (it was the 2nd half of senior year, I was trying to do as little as possible, don’t judge me). I’ve been TRAINED to put two spaces, trained like Pavlov’s dogs. How could anyone expect you to stop? I’ve got news for Miss Gloaty McSassy Pants, the minute corporate America gets wind of her typing score, she’ll be stuck well beneath the glass ceiling typing some schmucks weekly report.(Trust me, I know) I recommend she branch out to something more productive like inventing a way for me to wear high heeled shoes that don’t hurt my toes, or creating cookies that when broken in half release their caloric content. With these two goals in mind, her typing score will be merely a glimmer in her rearview mirror. You have no idea how much I want a cookie right now…
Maj is Miss Gloaty McSassy Pants?
Oh, I do like that.
Maj does not seem to me to be a person inclined toward secretarial work. She is way short, but she will be blasting dynamite below that glass ceiling of which you speak. Climbing up on the backs of those she told to “Get Low!” in preparation for the explosion.
Yes, that is what I envision.
Plus also?
Maj is not inclined to make anyone’s life easier.
Ever.
We’ll have to put Kallan to work on the shoes and the cookies.
Definitely.
My guess is both Mag and Kallan will look at you one day and say “Glass ceiling? What glass ceiling? That’s a ridiculous expression mother. You say such old fashioned things sometimes.” Those girls aim to take over the world, I’m sure of it. :)
Crap. I meant Maj, she’s a child to be reckoned with, I don’t dare misspell her name!
I do have such a difficult time imagining anyone holding Maj or Kallan back.
I do hope they are this strong and full of sass when they go out into the world.
Happy sighs at the thought.
Typing was never my strong point anyway.
My daughter will take over any typing project if she’s close. I am to slow and back spacey.
She sighs heavily and says “Move! I will do that”.
Comes in handy.
Ooooh . . . maybe I could put Maj in charge of typing my blog!
Except she would have to type with her eyes closed.
OK, that won’t work.
Hmmph.
You should test her on content. Does she retain what she has typed? Or just go auto.
Yes!
I will need to do a rematch to test her on content.
Mother will prevail!
Snort!
Also starting in third grade we were required to take a typing class. The program we used was called Mavis Beacon and I’m pretty sure that in between sentences you had to type two spaces. I don’t remember when that changed. Now I only add one space but I definitely remember a time in my youth with double spacing was the norm.
*when
Stupid pre-programmed fingers.
Mavis Bacon?
That rings no bells at all.
Possibly because I have never taken a typing class.
Oh, wait. Two weeks at some Continuing Ed thing once.
I was not a star.
Yeah Mavis is too old for your kids and probably was considered legacy when you took your typing class. It was about 15 years ago.
You are just a baby, then.
Annoying.
A speedy-fingered baby.
Who pounces on orifices.
Just saying.
Yes, yes, I know. I am like 12. But unfortunately I feel soooo much older. First life kept kicking my ass so hard I was flying into the future and aging faster than most people and now time just keeps sneaking by when I’m busy with orifices.
Sigh.
Been there, done that.
Aged.
And now here I am.
All busy with orifices.
Sigh.
Okay this is going to seem random but I’ve always wanted to ask someone.
Did you ever think you were going to live to be 40?
Because you know how they say young people are all invincible and never feel like they are going to die?
I’ve never felt that way. I feel like I’ve got about 10 years left. After that life is going to be like “YOU HAVE SEEN TOO MUCH!” and kill me off.
I can never figure out if that’s because I already feel like I’m 80 years old or if I’m just that pessimistic and sad of a person.
Haha. I’m curious as to what you thought.
Haven, you are all kinds of commenty today!
I have never given much thought to how long I get to live. I have spent much of my life thinking that this could all end tomorrow. Not that I wanted or expected to die. I just figured it would happen when it was supposed to happen. Every morning I was mildly surprised when I got to do another day.
I never had any hopes of living to a certain age before I had children.
Now that I have children?
I hope that I get to be around until they grow up.
Until they get married.
Until they have children.
Until those children get to know me.
Sigh.
I still know that it may all end at any moment.
But now I have hopes.
Hope is hard for me.
Yeah.
I have a good feeling about you being around to see your girls get married and have their own children. :)
Also I would love it if you kept up this whole blogging for money and blow jobs thing that way I can get a little glimpse of what your daughters are like in 20 years as well.
If life doesn’t assassinate me first, of course.
Also I am scared I am going to get my commenting privileges taken away. Like how misguided moms tell their sons “If you touch your winky too much, it’s going to disappear!”
It’s been a slow day at work. I will be shushy now so I can keep my winky.
Mavis Beacon has two Wikipedia entries, ergo, Mavis Beacon is/was a bad ass.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mavis_Beacon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mavis_Beacon_Teaches_Typing
I am so going to show these links to Maj!
Thank you!
Two spaces after a period. As God intended. Just as God intended that a hot turkey sandwich be made with white bread. It’s an incontrovertible law of the universe.
Fiance just told me he knew nothing of the two-spaces after the period rule. Then again, he also said most men are somewhat confuzzled by a woman’s period in any sense.
Snort!!
OK, first?
Mark is going to love you now because he feels the same way about the turkey sandwich thing.
Mark is ridiculous that way. No offense.
And your husband?
He makes me giggle.
Confuzzled.
Love that!
41 words a minute? I’m pretty sure you would beat me, any day. I am sloooow.
As for two spaces between sentences? I remember having to do that during my student days… not sure when I changed, but I’ve just realised I only do one space these days. Perhaps if I suddenly had to write something academic, my brain would switch back to old habits?
Off to google snickerdoodles…
I can type more way more than 41 words a minute if they are MY words!
Ahem.
Just wanted to make that clear.
And snickerdoodles are yummy.
When we first got a computer (early to mid 90′s) my sister and I were OBSESSED with Mavis Beacon Typing Tutor. No idea why, it wasn’t that great. I’m guessing it was because this was before awesome computer games. One day we were playing it and she had to go to the bathroom and she specifically told me not to take her turn. But duh, I’m the older meaner sister and I totally took her turn. She came screaming out of the bathroom and LOST HER MIND. She picked up a folding chair and totally tried to WWF me with it. Sadly for her I was still the older and meaner and BIGGER sister so I sat on her on the couch and held her arms down and kissed her until she could pull it together and calm the hell down. She finally calmed down enough that I got off of her and then she screamed how much she hated me and locked herself in her room until Dad came home. That’s what I think of when I think of typing. The end.
Best typing story ever.
Ever.
Thank you.
Wait! What?
When did the rules change? Always I have put two spaces in-between sentences and always I will. Next thing you know I will not be allowed to hang my participles where company can see them!
Sassy computer test!
Shawna?
Guess what, babe?
The rules changed!
Dangling participles are still troublesome, I believe.
Although I use them occasionally, leaving extra spaces after I do so.
wow, I learned something new today. I ALWAYS leave 2 spaces and had NO idea that rule had changed. Stupid change if you ask me. I will continue to leave to spaces, because when I type, my fingers are one with the keyboard not with my brain, and I don’t even type al that fast.
Cristina -
Exactly.
There is no way for my fingers to re-learn this spacing thing.
No way.