Did you check out the post I put up earlier today about the new Featured Bloggers?
Guilty Squid, Mad Woman, and Renee.
Exceptional writing from exceptional women.
And now, for your reading pleasure . . .
Kallan Holds Forth in Genius Fashion
1) Upon being asked if she had eaten any fruit for breakfast . . .
No, I did not eat anything healthy for breakfast, but that’s because Daddy told me that I had to eat the cinnamon rolls before they went stale. Something about starving children who would kill me for icing. What was I supposed to do?
2) Trying to calm her screaming sister after a small argument over markers . . .
Geez, Maj. Remember how Mom said you should make your reactions match up with what has happened? Mom’s going to think I am killing you and that she needs to build you a dead case.
She meant a casket. Pretty sure.
3) Explaining to me that she needs a new phone with a keypad that allows her to more easily text . . .
Because right now? With this phone? Do you know how much work is involved in texting someone the word “zilch?”
4) Incredulously, as she stares at her sister . . .
Did Maj just say that she “is just chilling?” I feel as though the world may be coming to an end here in the next few minutes.
5) Curiously, as she peers at her sister’s new braces . . .
Can you stick magnets to them? Because I am running out of room on the refrigerator to hang my artwork.
6) Screaming at her Daddy about how she can’t find her phone . . .
I looked everywhere! It’s not in my room or in my backpack or anywhere else in this whole house! It’s gone, I tell you! I need it! I need my phone! Someone took it. Yes, I looked everywhere! Daddy, calling my phone isn’t going to do any good. It’s gone! I can’t believe I lost my phone! Someone stole my phone!
Brrrriiiiiinngggg!!!!
Kallan reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone, “Hello? Daddy? I found it.”
7) As she eats her snack after arriving home from school . . .
So my teacher said that she is tired of having to explain things to parents and so if you have any questions about stuff, you should just ask me from now on.
Huh.
8) Dancing and singing the only words to a very impressive rap song she has written and choreographed . . .
Don’t got no money, cause you spent it on poo.
I want your money, gonna take it from you.
But you don’t got no money, cause you spent it on poo.
Oh yeah.
Jazz hands!
9) Discussing a presentation she watched at her school about empathy . . .
Why do they call it standing in someone else’s shoes? It should totally be standing in someone else’s brain, except then the person whose point of view you are supposed to be appreciating is dead. Yeah, so trading shoes is probably smarter.
10) And finally? Kallan spent months trying to convince Mark and me to buy her a texting plan for her phone. Here is the very first text message Kallan sent on her phone . . . 2:27 pm on Christmas Day . . .
Hi, Mom. There is nothing to do. Zilch. I am bored.
Snort!
I love Kallan. She is toooo funny! And sassy! She is going to grow into an unstoppable woman.
Happy sighs.
Love Kallan.
She is a force of nature.
I swear to god this kid can’t be real. She is way too brilliantly funny.
Just to be clear?
Not everything Kallan says is comedic genius.
But when she is brilliantly funny?
I make a note.
I have a lot of notes.
Bravo! I love that girl.
I have a 9 year old girlie in my house as well. I was surprised to find that Kallan can actually infiltrate families via osmosis or something.
The same day I read about your toothpaste-y adventures, my daughter did the exact. same. thing. (almost) and all I could do was laugh.
I think my husband took over because he was afraid I’d lost it. ha!
Emily -
Oh, I love that someone else’s child is creating drama!
It is so very hard not to laugh.
Snort!
Very hard.
She makes me laugh! She is scary smart though! Yeesh! I almost busted a gut laughing at #6!
Amy -
We were all about to walk out the door when Kallan started screaming about how her phone was gone.
A huge dramatic scene.
When Mark called her phone and her pocket rang?
And Kallan answered all matter-of-factly?
The whole family just fell apart giggling.
So fun.
*standing ovation*
I can’t wait for my own little comedic genius to grow up and blossom, and I’ll be VERY disappointed if he turns out to be a normal kid. He is MY kid, after all! There ought to be sass in those genes!
Marie aka Of the Sea!
Haven’t heard from you in a while!
Nice to see you.
I am pretty sure there is sass in those genes.
Pretty sure.
I’ve been so busy, I haven’t heard from myself either. Wedding, moving, phooey.
The madness will be over in 3 weeks, and then I’ll be back to pester you and swoon at your posts just like Kallan said.
She had been reading my comments, hadn’t she?
So happy for you!
Yay!
I will need pictures of this wedding.
You will post them?
I will post at least one for sure!
(But I may send some extra ones privately!)
Awesomeness.
Thank you!
That little girl is hilarious! I can’t wait to read your stories when she is a teenager!!
Assuming I survive the probably arduous path to Kallan’s teenage years?
And assuming she does not forbid me to blog her teenage stories?
Those stories will be awesome.
They so will.
Kallan needs her own show, I’d totally watch it.
Yay!
So would I!
Snort.
Genius.
Have you given thought to exactly what influence hormones are going to have on this genius?
Yes, I have.
I am terrified.
omg, a rap with jazz hands?! DYING.
Kallan kills me.
She also has an alternate “jazz butt” ending.
You can imagine.
Omg Kallan is so great. Dead case. Yeah.
Trading shoes because if you stepped in someone’s mind they would be dead.
Zilch is a great word. And fairly easy to type on my iPhone. But we won’t tell Kallan that. Lol.
And yes, I think maybe you should call Kallan’s teacher lol. Sounds like there may be something to discuss. So funny.
:)
Snort!
Kallan is awesome.
And yes . . . I probably need to talk to her teacher.
Sigh.
I just had to mentally type zilch on a old fashioned (I.e. non QWERTY) keypad…and she’s right. It would suck to type.
Also? She’s fucking brilliantly funny. It makes me wonder when the brilliant is going to kick in with my kid.
And by that I mean when I’m going to be brilliant enough to write down the things that he does that are awesomely funny. The short coming? Is not on his end.
Exactly!
Write it down!
When I don’t make notes, then when I sit down at the computer, I am all . . . What was that funny thing Kallan said about texting?
And I don’t remember.
Notes!
Take notes!
Children are filled with brilliance.
They so are.
Hehe!!!!
They are hilarious. I love her remark about hanging up her artwork on Maj’s braces!
In other news, I hope you get that album I sent you!
Ben -
I just this minute got an email from iTunes!
Yay!
I am all excited.
Seriously . . . Yay!
That rapping career – I think that could be a big thing. I hear there’s a big market for poo songs.
Adrienne -
Kallan never seems to tire of the word poo.
Or fart or butt or booty or any other goofy inappropriate childish word.
Luckily no one else at this house is very mature either.
So we giggle a lot.
Poo rap.
Snort!