Have you checked out this week’s Featured Bloggers yet?
They are awesome . . . Megan, Katie, and Renee.
Awesome.
And then here’s what happened this morning.
Really.
Got up. Got dressed. Fed the dogs. Let the dogs out. Let the dogs in. Started the coffee. Woke the girls. Jollied the girls. Packed lunches for the girls. Signed homework papers and permission slips. Found a lost sweater for one daughter and a lost eraser for the other.
Poured a cup of coffee.
Sat down in the living room.
Maj is upstairs and Kallan is in the kitchen preparing and eating her breakfast.
All is right in my world.
And then?
I hear the sound of Maj pounding down the stairs, and I hear this from the kitchen . . .
Ptooey . . . ptooey . . . ptooey . . . ptooey.
Maj is shrieking before she even gets to the kitchen. Not intelligible words, just shrieking. Like this . . .
AIEAIEIEIIEIEIEIEIAIAIAIIAIAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!
Sigh.
So I rouse myself from the couch and walk into the kitchen. Kallan is clearing her dishes, and she says casually, “Oh my goodness, Maj. There has been a terrible accident. I appear to have spit all over the kitchen.”
Maj is gasping for breath, “SHE . . . SPIT . . . ALL . . . OVER . . . THE . . . KITCHEN.”
I speak reassuringly, “Sweetie, Kallan is messing with you. She didn’t spit anywhere. Look around, Maj. No spit.”
Kallan is all helpful, “Besides, it was an accident.”
Maj is speechless.
Kallan walks across the room and does a hugely exaggerated and obviously faked slip and fall to the floor, and then she wails, “Oh my! Oops and horror! I have fallen in a giant puddle of spit!”
Maj points an angry finger, “You! Get out of the kitchen, young lady. Evacuate the kitchen immediately.”
Kallan rolls on the floor, “Evacuate the kitchen? Are you a fireman now? I don’t have to evacuate anything.”
Sigh.
I roll Kallan toward the door with my foot, “Go get dressed, Kallan. Go. Stop torturing your sister.”
Kallan looks up at me, “I am all ahead of schedule. I have time to hang out and torture.”
Maj yells down into her sister’s face, “I SAID EVACUATE THE KITCHEN! I have things to do and things to eat. Evacuate!”
I shove Kallan again, “GO!”
And so Kallan goes.
Maj turns to pull a frozen waffle out of the bag that Kallan has left on the counter. She holds it sadly between two fingers, “It’s all damp, Mother. She left the frozen waffles on the counter and now they are all damp and soggy and melty.”
“Your sister can be a pain. Put the waffle in the toaster. It will be OK.”
Maj stares at the waffle and then drops it to the counter, “She probably spit on it. It’s probably damp with spit. She probably wants me to just put it in the toaster and then eat her spit. Ick.”
I walk over and together we stare at the soggy waffle.
Neither of us says anything, but we both imagine the same thing . . .
The waffle comes to life and pulsates with juiciness. It perches on the counter like a nasty sponge, filled to swollen damp capacity with saliva. Glowing with evil spitty intent and possible leapiness.
Yes. We see the same thing.
Maj and I are alike that way.
So I gingerly pick up the waffle and put it back in the bag. Back in the freezer.
I cut up an apple. Maj pours cereal.
I pour her some orange juice.
I leave Maj eating her breakfast in the kitchen.
I head back into the living room.
To sit on the couch. Drink my coffee.
All is right in my world.
And then?
Kallan slips silently past me and into the kitchen.
I hear her ask Maj for a slice of apple. I hear Maj give her a slice of apple.
And then I hear this . . .
“AUGH! DO NOT CHEW THE APPLE IN MY HEAD! YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO ME! I CAN HEAR YOUR SPIT! YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO ME!”
Silence from Kallan.
“DO NOT CHEW THE APPLE IN MY HEAD! MOTHER, SHE IS IN MY HEAD!”
Silence.
“MOTHER, KALLAN IS IN MY HEAD!”
I am about to yell back that there is no way for Kallan to actually be inside Maj’s head.
But then I stop myself.
Because Kallan is sooooo inside Maj’s head.
She so is.
Sigh.
Yep. She’s firmly inside. Only siblings can be that way. Makes me shudder to remember my own battles, and now I just feel bad for my mom.
Yes!
That’s where the sympathy should lie . . . with the mother!
With me.
Sigh.
Wow…you really have a germophope on your hands. (I know that’s spelled wrong). Is it wrong that I kinda enjoy how Kallan fucks with her sister? Just asking? Good news…in 10 more years they’ll both be at college. Just saying…
Maj is not a fan of germs.
Nope.
And Kallan enjoys fucking with her sister way too much.
Entertaining and horrifying at the same time.
And your vision of the future in which the girls are both in college instead of some less desirable locale?
Love that!
Wow. I can see this sort of stuff in my future as my H’s daughters are about the same age difference. Currently they are 5(6 in Feb) 7 (December birthday). They already get all sorts of bent at each other.
Siblings have magical powers over one another.
If I could just harness that energy for good.
That would be awesome!
Sibling fucking-with power only springs from the Dark Side. By definition, it can never be good. I am the oldest of 4 siblings and I know whereof I speak.
Snort.
You are all dark-sided up, are you?
I suspected as much.
Ok Kris…this is the fourth time that I’ve tried to submit this comment. Is it wrong that I enjoy how Kallan screws with Mals head? The good news is that in ten years, they’ll both be away at college…you can make it!
Ummm . . . your first comment is already up and I have already responded.
What’s up?
I am totally stealing that line from Kallan. “Oops and horror” is something I have oft wanted to express but previously did not possess the correct words.
Thank her for me. :)
Snort!
I will pass along your gratitude.
She will be pleased.
My brother’s 7 years younger than I am and we still torture eachother fairly routinely. The most I can offer for reassurance is that our conversations have an ejector seat of “too mean” that we have agreed to use at will.
Maj and Kallan both push one another’s buttons.
This morning Kallan climbed into Maj’s head and pushed all the button she could reach.
But soon?
Very soon . . .
Kallan will be the one with Maj in her head.
And Maj?
She can push some fucking buttons.
She so can.
Yay!
It all evens out.
Just tell Maj not to let Kallan rent space in her head for free….make her pay. For
It! Haha
Maj is just going to grab equal space in Kallan’s head.
Pretty sure Kallan is going to regret her antics this morning.
Pretty sure.
Snort!
Oh that is some great evilness.
She is very evil – I appreciate that.
I am so envious. I would have loved to do that to my sister…
{use a deep evil sounding tone here} Loved to.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
M
Kallan has great capacity for evil.
And also a great vulnerability.
Maj knows all of Kallan’s buttons as well.
Kallan forgets in the excitement of the evil joy.
She’ll remember soon enough.
Oh there’s always sisterly payback.
It may not come around for a bit but there is. That’s how I survived childhood! :-)
M
There is ALWAYS sisterly payback.
Kallan forgets.
Kris
In these situations, long ago at my house? My son was the antagonizer of my daughter. It was her yelling that often got punished instead of her brother’s behavior.
Because the yelling sent me over the edge.
And he was so sneaky.
So I ended up telling them that they would both be punished or rewarded together depending on the activities and attitudes each morning before school.
Sometimes this helped as her brother would avoid irritating her because when she would scream they both got consequences.
I also, quietly, coached my daughter to have the upper hand by ignoring him or laughing at him. When she could do that? It was great.
Now they are 19 and 20. And friends.
But oh my god, they were annoying at age 9 and 10.
I would tell them, if you ruin my morning peace of mind? It will require consequences this evening.
Sometimes I made them write essays about all the good qualities their sibling had.
Yup.
1) Coach Maj on ignoring her sister.
CHECK
2) Advise Maj to not scream and overreact so that I can address the one actually causing the trouble.
CHECK
3) Punish them or reward them as a single unit.
CHECK
4) Have them write loving essays and make cards to one another.
CHECK
But sometimes?
Kallan cannot help herself. The opportunity to fuck with her sister is just so fabulous and glorious and immediately gratifying?
She forgets about the consequences.
Kallan hates consequences.
There will be consequences.
Snort!
Kris
Silly me offering you advice you already knew —
keep sharing it, love the stories
LOVE your blog
But, babe?
If you have the secret to making all of our parenting genius actually STICK?
Please pass that along.
Please.
Love you as well, Miss Brand New Blogger.
Love you as well.
Oh my gosh.
This is gonna be so much fun.
Time to pull up a chair and enjoy the show.
snort.
Lucky me with the ringside seat.
Yay!
Hmmmph.
I don’t like spit either. If I’m eating and someone spits or, God forbid, blows their nose…then I’m done eating. Poor Maj. All she wanted was a waffle.
Poor Maj.
Maj does not stay down for long.
Expect updates of the Kallan-pounding sort.
Sigh.
I will never be able to eat a toaster waffle again.
Which is ok. I really don’t like them.
Kallan is genius you know.
Kallan is a genius.
An evil genius.
But as she has no superpowers?
She is going need to watch her ass for this next little stretch.
Because Maj is also evil and geniusy.
She so is.
And do you think they get this from their Daddy? I don’t think so.
Hush.
I am just a poor innocent bystander.
Shhh…nort!
Hush.
Spit-soaked waffles? *shutter*
I wouldn’t have been able to eat one, either.
Mind over matter rarely works in cases related to spit.
No . . . once Maj’s mind has decided the matter?
There is no work-around.
And no eating those waffles.
*shudder*
No, really, I was talking about window panels.
*typo facepalm*
Hee hee!
That made me giggle.
*shutter*
Ha!
I know this is pretty unrelated, but now that it’s in my mind, I have to share. I laughed at your last few lines, about Kallan being in Maj’s head. Reminds me of when my sister-in-law was diagnosed as being bi-polar and my brother didn’t buy it (he is mean) and he said, “It’s just all in your head.” My mom and I shouldn’t have laughed, we really shouldn’t have, but we did. It was like, “No shit Sherlock. It IS all in her head.
Okay, and moving on now…I can’t wait for the update on Maj’s revenge!
Stuff that is in your head is really hard to hold out and show other people so that they can understand.
Trust me.
I have tried.
Ahem.
And I will be back with the tale of Maj’s revenge.
Yes.
Not sure when, but that story is coming.
Oh, Maj & Kallan how I have missed you!!! You never fail to bring a smile.
They make me laugh hysterically.
After they left for school this morning, I just giggled.
Not while they were here . . . that would have been very bad.
But once they left?
Giggling.