Several days ago, the girls painted my fingernails.
I never paint my fingernails. It feels all whorish to me.
I did not mention this fact to my daughters.
Ahem.
Anyway . . . Maj and Kallan offered me a manicure, and their faces as they stood before me with all their supplies . . . all full of giggly hopefulness.
Sigh.
Yes. Paint my fingernails. I will keep my whorish thoughts to myself.
Kallan painted my right hand and Maj painted my left.
Kallan painted my right hand’s fingernails in precisely aligned vertical stripes of color. First silver, then purple, then pink, and then green. Each fingernail a smallish rainbow. And then a finishing coat of clear sparkle polish. Duh.
Maj painted my left hand in alternating pink and orange. Three fingers pink and two fingers orange. I thought she was done, but then she gave me bright green polka dots, 6 or 7 on each nail.
The whole effect was pretty fucking awesome.
For several days, I was just as glamorous as you might imagine.
But then the green polka dots on the hand Maj had painted started falling away, taking with them the color that had been painted beneath. Leaving behind a weird Swiss cheese effect. Tiny little holes in small slices of color.
So then I had a right hand of sparkly rainbow stripes and a left hand . . .
My left hand looked as though I was prepared to play miniature games of Whac-a-Mole.
Snort!
OK, but seriously? I have no one I need to impress, so I moved about my days with rainbows and Whac-a-Moles. What do I care?
But by last night, the polish on both hands is looking pretty ragged.
So just before we head out to the library, I run upstairs to remove the polish, “Hey, Maj! May I use your bottle of nail polish remover?”
Maj yells back, “Sure!”
So I grab the bottle of remover and some cotton balls.
Rub . . . rub . . . rub.
Hmmmm.
Soak, soak, soak.
Rub . . . rub . . . rub.
It is not coming off. As I rub harder, my mind races back to the manicure. Yes, I did actually see them use fingernail polish. This remover should be . . . removing it.
Rub . . . rub . . . rub.
Soak.
Rub. Rub. Rub.
Sniff.
Sniff . . . sniff.
Sigh.
I yell down the stairs, “Ladies? Someone want to explain how it is that the bottle of nail polish remover is filled with what appears to be water?”
“WHAT?” Maj comes pounding up the stairs, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
I hold the bottle out for her to sniff.
She turns and screams angrily for her sister, “KALLAN!”
Kallan arrives filled with protests, “Maj always blames me, but she has no evidence I did anything! What are we talking about, anyway?”
Snort!
So I explain and hold the bottle out for Kallan to sniff, and she denies all wrong-doing.
Maj is livid, “You know she did it, Mother! You know she did! She is always messing with my stuff. This deserves severe punishment. Or death!”
Kallan turns to stare at her sister in surprise, and Maj is triumphant, “Look at her! Look how scared and guilty she looks!”
Kallan is indignant, “I do not look guilty! I look like someone whose sister has just threatened to kill her!”
Snort!
I turn to Maj, “She has a point, Maj.”
Maj is pissed, “I say she is guilty.”
“Yes, well. You don’t know that your sister did this. We have had lots of kids in the house, girls painting their fingernails. You don’t know for sure what happened.”
Kallan glares at her sister, “Yeah!” She stomps away.
Maj looks at me, “Get her back here. She needs to answer for this crime. Punish her, Mother. Punish her severely.”
“Nope. Besides, how do I know you didn’t do this? Maybe you dumped it or used it up and replaced it with water. Maybe you did this.”
Maj is all righteous indignation, “Why would I do that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you know I don’t know what really happened. Maybe you know I am going to offer to buy you a new bottle because I don’t know what happened. Maybe the bottle was almost empty, and you have come up with a tricky way of getting me to replace it.”
“That’s just crazy, Mother.”
I am about to explain that I am just trying to make the point that I don’t know what happened. The most likely explanation is Kallan (isn’t it always?), but we don’t know. That I know Maj didn’t replace her own bottle of remover with water. I am about to explain.
But then I see Maj smirk.
A small secret smile that flashes across her face as she turns away from me. A smile not intended for my eyes.
Seriously?
Seriously?
So we still have no remover in our house.
I have one hand of brilliant sparkly rainbow stripes.
And then another hand of whac-a-mole . . . to remind me to pay attention.
Things pop up.
Snort!
Having two girls in the house and a girly husband, trucks and blocks and screaming noise seem so foreign … ok, we still have screaming noise from time to time.
Love that you agreed to look like a hooker for your children – thats true love xxx
I didn’t even tell you about the makeover they gave me last week.
Way glittery.
Way whorish.
Snort!
WOW!! Your girls? They are not just smart, they are like Kaiser Soze brilliant. I’m impressed. I would never have thought something up like that. Never!
They are smart.
Brilliant, even.
Keyser Soze? The Usual Suspects?
Awesome movie.
Oh my, can we get pics of the nails? Pretty please? Just the nails?
I love that you know Maj like that———–sneaky and she almost got away with it!
Babe you gotta be on your toes with that one
also, thanks for your support with my new blog and I am so dumb about this stuff that I have no idea how to link it here–do I get the blogging for dummies book?
No photos.
Just words this time . . . my nails are awesome!
Also?
You linked your blog to your name here in this comment.
You are a genius!
Yay!
ohohoh magic! I AM genius! Will this help me balance my checkbook?
sigh
Sadly?
No.
Nothing about blogging will help balance your checkbook.
Really.
are you sure? cuz i seem to have gotten way better at it since i started reading your blog!
Hmmmm.
Maybe you need to advise me instead of the other way round.
She will so have to learn how to time that smirk better. Then? Hah, you are doomed!
And Kallan really needs to watch her back now.
Although, thinking about the last few Maj/Kallan posts? This has been building. Hasn’t it?
Ah, the drama. I can hardly wait til the next episode.
And I do feel bad for my enjoyment at the expense of your sanity. Really.
Maj is usually a terrible liar.
If Maj is suddenly able to sell a lie?
Kallan is screwed.
As am I.
ACK!
You better watch out for when they are older and try to replace certain drinks with water. I may or may not have done that once or twice in my life.
Snort!
We are mostly about a keg of beer.
Harder to replace with water than certain other liquids.
Pretty sure.
two words…
apple juice
:D
Really?
That does sound yummy.
Hmmmm full of officiality, hocus pocus, questions, non-answers and sparkles!! Not to mention, the holes…..And a couple of the people sound all lawyerly. Your court is definitely where I would like to be heard. I will even bring you a bedazzled mallet for whomping. And remover. Cuz at our house its all about boys, even the dog is a boy. Can’t believe I’m saying this out loud but I have been known to paint the dogs nails. Sigh.
I would love a bedazzled mallet for whomping!
WHOMP . . . WHOMP . . . WHOMP.
We have lots of girl energy at our house.
Mark is overwhelmed.
Happily so, but overwhelmed.
He is doomed come puberty.
Pretty sure.
Sabotage! I notice that Maj never actually DENIED your suggestion. She asked you why she would do it and then said it was crazy but never denies guilt. Which I have noticed she is never shy about doing. Hmm.
Do what I do. Pick at the polish till it completely flakes away.
I know.
I did notice that Maj did not actually deny the wrongdoing.
And then there was the smirking.
Sigh.
I have picked most of the left hand clean.
Kallan’s right hand workmanship turns out to be quite durable.
I think it’s that sparkle overcoat.
Snort!
I must know about the sparkle overcoat! Because with my job and my life? The polish that I love to apply looks great for a couple of hours before it begins to chip and flake away.
Kallan’s handiwork?
That shit stayed put.
I will have to ask her what she used.
Update to follow.
It is seriously just sparkly clear polish.
From Claire’s.
$1.99.
Snort!
Any kind of glitter polish, particularly used as a top coat, is very durable. I do a “sparkly night sky” thing on my toes. This equals black polish with the iridescent sparkles as a top coat. Very long-lasting. :)
Kallan says . . . “Duh.”
Snort!
I feel the same way about nail polish. My toes are always polished but nails? Just whorish. In the event I feel like I find a non-whorish color and actually paint them? No matter what snazzy top clearcoat non-chip bullet proof polish holder-on-er I use I chip them within 24 hours. And chipped nail polish screams whore to me. So then I think “Why the hell did paint my nails???” And then I forget for about 8-14 months and repeat the same stupid cycle all over again. Stupid nail polish.
ACK!
Exactly.
Except I am also averse to pedicures of any sort.
Seriously . . . I am a woman of issues.
Anything that falls into the category of “beauty regimen?”
Whorish.
Just to be clear, I am averse to anyone actually touching me (minus a few special chosen people). I would drop dead before I got a pedicure. The closest I come to a pedicure is messily painting my own toes before letting them dry and taking a hot shower and scrubbing my toes to get rid of any of the excess polish I lazily slapped on that got onto my skin. I have no patience for gently and neatly polishing. If I could dip my toes in bottles and be done I would. The main reason I paint my toes is because I travel so much to sandy places and I hate when my toes look dirty. They aren’t but some places I travel stain your feet. Polish covers up the stains nicely. Lately I’ve been wearing black toe nail polish. More tough bitch than whore.
Lindsay?
Happy sighs of connection.
I hate for people outside of my family and close friends to touch me.
Hate it.
I would sooner die than have a pedicure.
OK, well . . . if death were being threatened, I might do it. But I would hate it.
And yes!
Why can’t they invent a polish into which you just dip your foot?
That would be awesome.
I love you.
That is all.
I remember the first time I tried to blame my brother for something. It almost worked until I felt overwhelmed with guilt for blaming my stupidity on my innocent baby brother – a toddler at the time – and confessed within hours.
Then he got to be a little older than a toddler. And was suddenly far less innocent.
I was then much better at blaming things on my little brother.
I got really good at it, but would occasionally (like Maj) also let a triumphant smile slip through a little too early. Don’t worry, she’ll learn to hide them!!
Feeling guilty is not Maj’s problem.
She just has such a strong sense of justice, of right and wrong?
She just hates if she has gotten away with something . . . she gets all pissed off at me for not catching her misdeeds.
Really.
If that is changing?
Life as I know it is about to get much much harder.
Sigh.
I think I would choose whorish makeovers compared to the ones my niece gives me. She is particularly drawn to a very dark red gothy shade of lipstick at the moment.
When she applies it, ever so carefully, with her 4-year-old hand… think Marilyn Manson meets Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.
As for Maj and Kallan? If they don’t kill each other first?
They are going to stage an evil takeover of the world someday.
And I would so vote for them.
The girls have been into makeovers lately.
The other day, Kallan gave me a makeover inspired by Kesha (who Kallan saw on some New Year’s Eve special).
Kesha wears blue lipstick, apparently.
Yeah.
Plus also?
If the girls stage an evil takeover of the world someday?
There will be no voting.
Just so you know.
Oh, I’m well aware there will be no voting.
I’m just hoping I will get points for intention.
And maybe be a favored lackey or minion of some sort in the New World Order.
A favored minion.
Or a favored minion lackey.
FML for short.
Where have I seen that acronym before?
Hmmmm.
OMG – that exchange between your daughters is sooo my future. OMYGOD
You are doomed.
It will be a funny doom.
But you are doomed.
I hardly ever paint my nails because I have naturally long nails and it makes them look fake! (And whorish)
And I love “punish her” good way to have your sisters back! I so know my boys will be like that!!
I keep my nails very short, especially now that I spend a lot of time at the computer.
Longer nails annoy me when I type.
But any length . . . if there is color?
Whorish.
To me.
I know I am not normal.
I only speak for me.
you gotta give her props for that one!! lol!!
i am with you though, on the painted nails feel whoreish! i’m not a fan!
I know.
Maj is getting to be such a big girl.
Lying to her mother and being all evil.
Sniff.
Bother.
you should buy a new bottle, take your nail polish off, and then dump it out. fill it with water, and tell her you bought her a new one ;)
Oh, you are the true evil genius!
That is diabolical!
Swoon!
Don’t fall asleep. Some day you might wake up and not only find yourself with fingers and toes adorned, but in a DRESS. Then what are you gonna do?
The nails Kallan did? I suspect it was Krylon automotive enamel. Better get used to it. Guaranteed for life.
Not so very long ago?
I fell asleep only to wake and find that the girls had worked together to Scotch tape the entire ass area of my jeans.
As I slept in those jeans, in case that wasn’t clear.
What the fuck is up with these children of mine, you think?
I think you’d better ask Harry if you can borrow the Cloak of Invisibility: you seem to be a marked woman. Were they put on this earth to torture the loving woman who brought them life?
Well, at least it has the benefit of putting them on the same team, rather than at each other’s throats!
I would so like a Cloak of invisibility!
I would fuck with people.
I so would!
and stockings, and heels…. Scary, huh?
I have had occasion to dress up in my life, babe.
I am not a fan.
I feel like a miniature transvestite.
I so do.