A morning in the mind of our smaller badly behaved dog.
Someone needs to come open this stupid crate. I am tired of standing here with my own shit. Where’s the lady who cleans this shit up?
Maybe if I stomp it down a little bit it will stink less. This plan did not work yesterday, but I see no reason why this will not work today.
Stomp, stomp, stomp.
Maybe front feet are required as well.
Pat, pat, pat.
Fuck! Now all of my paws are covered in my own shit!
Perhaps I can dance it off.
Prance, prance, prance.
Fuck! It’s everywhere! Where is the lady who takes care of this shit?
Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark.
OWWWWW!
Stupid shock collar.
Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark.
OWWWW!
Yay! There she is!
Don’t get pissy with me, lady. If you had come down a few hours ago, this would not have happened.
Yes. Front feet too.
Feed me.
Seriously? Fine. I’m sitting. Feed me.
Yum.
That’s it? I am pretty sure I usually get more food than this. Feed me.
Stupid lady.
Where are the short people? They drop stuff that is sometimes food.
Pose adorably and beg.
Wag tail hopefully.
Scavenge, scavenge, scavenge.
All this cuteness for a few PopTart crumbs and a pen cap? This is bogus.
Maybe someone left the trash container unlocked.
Check and see.
Damn it.
Maybe someone left the trash container unlocked.
Check and see.
Damn it.
Maybe someone left the trash container unlocked.
Check and see.
Damn it.
Seriously, lady? You are shoving me? Is that wise? I will kick your ass.
Don’t get all mad, lady. If you don’t want me in the trash, just say so. I am not an idiot.
Maybe someone left the trash container unlocked.
Check and see.
Oooooh . . . the dishwasher is open!
And filled with dirty dishes!
Climb in.
What the fuck? Don’t throw me!
Climb in the dishwasher.
Stop fucking throwing me!
Climb in the dishwasher.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Climb in the dishwasher.
Why am I outside? I shit in the crate. Didn’t you see that part? I don’t need to go outside.
It is fucking freezing out here! Let me in!
I can see you! Do not fucking ignore me! I can see you!
Let me write my message with nose mucus on the sliding glass door.
Fuck . . . you . . . all.
Barkbarkbarkbarkbark.
OWWWWW.
Barkbarkbarkbarkbark.
OWWWW.
Hmmmph.
My feet are wet!
Someone has peed on my feet!
Sniff, sniff, sniff.
OK, this may be my own pee.
Let me in, lady! My feet need tending!
Thank you.
Yes! I told you I peed on my feet. You never listen to me.
Yay! I am awesome!
Run in crazy circles. Run in crazy circles. Run in crazy circles.
Nip a child for fun.
Snicker.
What? She is such a fucking baby. We were playing.
What have we here?
Gnaw through the backpack to get at the food inside.
Leave me alone!
Gnaw through the backpack to get to the food inside.
I said leave me the fuck alone!
Don’t make me fill you with terror, lady.
GROWL!
Seriously? The crate again? What a bunch of bullshit.
Let me out. I’ll be good. Let me out. I’ll be good. Let me out. I’ll be good.
Look at how cute I am!
Yay!
Maybe someone left the trash container unlocked.
Check and see.
Damn.
Check younger girl’s bedroom for goodies.
Check older girl’s bedroom for goodies.
Check security of containers housing goodies mysteriously known as frogs and turtles and fish.
Damn.
Check big bathroom for garbage.
Check messy smaller bathroom for garbage.
Score!
Eat toilet paper.
Eat Q-tips.
Eat cotton balls.
Eat more toilet paper.
Roll gloriously in damp towel left on the floor.
Back downstairs.
Supervise departure of smaller people.
Stand in window to watch huge loud wheeled monster take smaller people away.
Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark.
OWWWW!
Stupid shock collar.
Run and jump on man as he holds coffee.
Run wildly away as coffee spills and man screams.
Snicker . . . loser.
Run and jump on lady.
Snuggle for a moment.
Give kisses.
Snuggle.
Leap from lady’s lap and run into the kitchen.
Barf up toilet paper, Q-tips, cotton balls, and some of the morning’s food.
Wait just a fucking minute, lady! I want some of this stuff back!
OK, why am I outside again?
Read my nose mucus, lady.
This message is for you.
B-I-T-C-H
I am cold.
I am pissed.
And my feet are wet again!
Why does someone keep peeing on my feet?
Lady!
Get your ass out here and clean my feet!
Scoot past the lady as she opens the door.
Run on pee-slicked feet to the far side of the kitchen.
Maybe someone left the trash container unlocked.
Check and see.
Damn.
Yes. All four feet, and no . . . I do not know how this keeps happening.
Yawn.
Nap.
Let me write my message with nose mucus on the sliding glass door.
Fuck . . . you . . . all.
Holy fuck, I think I just peed myself laughing.
Happy sighs.
Thank you!
I love giggling.
“Someone just peed on my feet…”
I die…and die again, my boss keeps asking me what I am laughing so hard about.
*dies*
Oh, death by giggling is so awesome.
Thank you!
I just got a telling off from my husband for “laughing too loudly”.
I can’t even describe the genius of this.
But someone may have peed on my feet.
Toni -
Someone peed on your feet?
I am dying.
So much laughing.
BWHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHA
*gasps for air*
AHAHHhhhhaaa
sigh….that was great.
Happy happy sighs.
I’m glad you liked it.
Stupid dog.
I am literally crying from laughter. That was priceless.
And your dog is OCD. Just Sayin’.
He is.
He is stubborn and crazy and all kinds of OCD.
And so fucking cute.
It’s the cute that saves him.
Snort!
I about died at “Ok this may be my own pee.” Also this is why I don’t have dogs, entirely too much eating trash and puking it up and the cats clean their own damn paws.
Kacey -
Jack is an awesome dog.
Horrible and awesome.
And we have TERRIBLE luck with cats.
Plus also?
Kallan is allergic to cats.
Sigh.
They have hypoallergenic cats now, you know!
Whitney -
Really? I clicked that link expecting to see bald cats.
Really?
Even without the allergy, though?
Mark and I have a terrible history with cats.
Really really bad.
My little idiot, you refer to as Rutherford, does the same damn thing. How many times can you knock the baby down to lick her face? You got it all already!
BRB, gotta go pick the baby up off the floor…again.
Little asshole.
Nicole -
Jack never seems to learn any of the lessons I want him to learn.
But leave the garbage unlocked one time?
He will check it 30,000 times.
Maybe it’s unlocked again like that one time!
Maybe it’s unlocked again like that one time!
Maybe it’s unlocked again like that one time!
He’s a fast learner.
Snort!
That’s my favorite part.
“Maybe someone left the trash container unlocked.
Check and see.
Damn.” Over and over and over. Well, that and the dishwasher debacle. Ha!
Jessica -
He is an endlessly stubborn dog.
Endlessly.
This is why I own a large dog. She only shits outside.
Then again, she wants to be in all day. No out. No in. No out. No in. No out.
Yeah. Next time? I’m getting a goldfish. When it talks shit to me? I’ll just flush the fucker.
Issa -
I have a well-behaved larger dog as well.
She still cannot even believe that we brought Jack home to live with us. Seriously . . . she is incredulous.
He is so much fun.
But he is wicked.
My stomach muscles hurt from laughing so hard. I should totally have a six pack just from reading your blog. *sigh* That is sadly not the case…but it should be.
Jamie -
If only blog-reading built muscles and abdominal strength.
That would be awesome!
Hmmmph.
A lovely fantasy, though.
And I am so delighted that I made you laugh!
Yay!
. . . the dishwasher is open!
And filled with dirty dishes!
Climb in.
What the fuck? Don’t throw me!
Climb in the dishwasher.
Stop fucking throwing me!
Climb in the dishwasher.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Climb in the dishwasher…
Oh my. When he asked “What the hell is wrong with you?” it was then that I realized. After all these years of being the owner of two badly-behaved dogs:
I should simply blame everything on major appliances.
So so (so)funny.
Julie -
That was actually me throwing him out of the dishwasher, but I love that you assumed he was having an appliance conflict.
He tries to climb in and lick everything.
It’s so annoying.
And it makes Maj scream with horror.
As you might imagine.
Chuckle, giggle, snort. So effin funny.
Yay!
I love a Thursday of giggles.
Love.
I’m exhausted. And entertained. And so glad I didn’t pee myself.
Your comic genius never fails to amaze.
The comic genius today?
Is my stupid hysterically funny dog.
All I did was write it down.
Thank you, babe.
Wow! Sounds a lot like the yorkie we USED to have! Lmao!
Lauren -
Yes.
I have seen Yorkies.
A lot like that.
A lot.
Oh. My. God. I have tears of laughter, and lots of them.
Thank you. Best laugh I’ve had all week!
Madeleine -
Yay!
You have made my whole day with that lovely compliment.
Swoon!
That is absolutely awesome! Haha.. I love it!
Thank you, lovely one!
Thank you very much!