“Kallan, could you set the table?”
“Really? Another job? Why do I have to do everything?”
“Because after we had Maj, we realized that she was just way too awesome to do household chores. So we had you.”
“I knew it!”
“So set the table, slave-girl. I already took out the placemats.”
Kallan grumbles as she gathers the silverware and napkins and piles them on a stack of four plates. She picks up the stack and carries it into the dining room, “AUGH! The placemats are not in the right spots! How am I supposed to set the table when the placemats are not in the right spots?”
I walk in to see what the yelling is about, “Hmmmm. Seems like this is not one of those insurmountable kinds of problems. I wonder if you can figure this out?”
Kallan sets the pile of plates down loudly and shoves the placemats into their proper spots.
I watch her as she sets the table, “Your Daddy and I sometimes worry to ourselves . . . What if the girls are not prepared for the real world? What if there are challenges they are not equipped to handle?”
Kallan stares at me.
I continue, “But then something like this happens . . . you figure out how to adjust the improperly positioned placemats and place the plates on top of them. And I realize that you are up for any challenge life may throw at you. I cannot begin to express to you the pride and joy with which my heart is filled.”
“There is no need to be sassy, Mom.”
“No, but it amuses me.”
Not so much later, Mark arrives home, and it is time for dinner.
We are discussing whether or not the girls noticed that Mark was gone when they got home from school. I point out that the fact that his car was missing from the driveway was a pretty good clue. Obviously, he was off at some meeting.
Kallan serves herself some quiche, “Yeah, but if his car’s gone? That doesn’t mean Daddy’s at a meeting. He could just be dead.”
I cover my mouth to keep my food in as I laugh, “What?”
Kallan is all reasonable, “We wouldn’t need two cars if he died, Mom.”
“So when you come home and see that his car’s not here, your first thought is . . . Daddy’s dead and Mom got rid of his car?”
Kallan shrugs her shoulders, “So?”
I reach to pat Mark on the shoulder, “I may as well tell you now, babe. That is actually my plan when you die. I’ll just put you in the car, release the brake, put the car in neutral, and send it crashing down the hill and into the lake. All done.”
And then all four of us are laughing.
Kallan gasps for breath, “All of his stuff, too. Just shove everything in the car.”
I feign thoughtfulness, “Hmmmm. He has an awful lot of stuff. We might have to hook up the trailer to the back of the car.”
So much giggling.
Maj wipes at her eyes, “Daddy? Mother would not do that, but it is funny to imagine.”
Kallan disagrees through her laughter, “She so would. Right into the lake. Zoom goes Daddy.”
I agree, “Yes! It will be like sending you out onto the lake on an ice floe, babe. Except there will be sinking. And no ice.”
Mark gathers his composure, “Little bit of a problem with your plan, though.”
I turn to him, “No way! It’s perfect!”
He speaks seriously, “The lake is not a lake at the moment. It’s just a big pit of mud. So the evidence of your misbehavior would be axle deep in mud for everyone to see.”
He scoops up a bite of food, pauses dramatically as he raises the bite to his mouth, “There would be questions.”
Maj and Kallan and I laugh hysterically.
Maj finally speaks, “Don’t worry, Daddy. I will have all the answers they need.”
Snort!
Not so much later, we are clearing the table.
It’s Maj’s turn to do the dishes.
Maj wails loudly, “This pan is too dirty to put in the dishwasher! What am I supposed to do with this pan?”
I walk into the kitchen, “Oh, this is just so awesome! Earlier, Kallan figured out how to conquer a seemingly overwhelming obstacle with no help at all! Now it’s your turn! Yay!”
Maj stares at me angrily.
I speak reassuringly, “Come on, Maj. Think!”
“So I should wash it before putting it in the dishwasher?”
I walk over to high-five her, “My children are awesome! Bring on the real world! Maj and Kallan are prepared to handle whatever life throws at them!”
Maj is annoyed as she turns back to the sink, “No need to be sarcastic, Mother.”
Kallan laughs, “That’s what I told her!”
And still?
It amuses me.
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!! Am I?
Okay okay I read it now…why is pushing dead Dad and all of his stuff into the lake a problem? Illegal dumping? It’s not like you killed him…
Here in Lake Oswego?
People call the police about tipsy raccoons.
Really.
I would be arrested immediately!
Before the car hit the mud.
I so would.
I wouldn’t know how to live without sarcasm. It is more necessary than air to me.
A close second, anyway.
I would be all gaspy without air.
I tried to be sarcastic once when I couldn’t breathe. Something got lost in the translation and I nearly suffocated. Never tell anyone you don’t need air when it is in short supply.
Brandi -
You have made me gasp for air with happy giggles!
So much giggling.
that one was so brilliant, I’m glad my phone posted it correctly. I wasn’t sure since I got the same “FAIL” message every time I tried to post it from my phone at lunch. Had to come check. Still makes me laugh!
So glad you managed to post that comment.
Still giggly.
Love that.
Life skills. They are learning life skills. Very important ones. Dishes. Setting the table. Disposing of dead bodies.
You may not want to let them watch Fried Green Tomatoes though.
My mother used to tell me that she didn’t need a dishwasher, because she had children.
Issa -
See?
Life skills . . . exactly.
I am so awesome.
Happy sighs.
Now what about this movie?
Have you never seen the movie, Fried Green Tomatoes? DUDE! It’s amazing.
I watched it once, inattentively, many years ago.
I do not remember being impressed.
Worth watching again?
Nah, maybe not, if you didn’t like it.
There is a part though where they kill a guy, push his car into the river and um…BBQ is body.
WHAT?
I so did not pay any attention at all to that movie!
I do not even remember that part!
Adding it to my Netflix queue.
Seriously. Maybe you didn’t see it if you missed that part. Secrets in the sauce.
Here is my memory . . .
Watching it with a friend.
Opening scenes.
Lots of mocking from me.
More mocking.
Drinking.
More drinking.
The end.
Snort. Maybe you should hold off on the drinking until the end this time.
Ahem.
Sure would save on funeral costs.
Though you may need bail money.
Toni -
Maj has lots of money saved. I’m sure she would bail me out.
Right, Maj?
Right?
Uh oh.
I wondered when you’d get to me in the story? And then it became obvious (or was it on purpose?)… it’s spelled “axle”
~~~~SNORT~~~~
It was on purpose!
And you noticed!
Swoon!
I added a tag so I don’t get everyone correcting me.
Hee hee!
Hello, you.
My favorite line? “There would be questions.”
Also? I am so pleased that your children are so well-prepared to face the struggles of reality. Up next? Things like “The toilet seat is up! What do I do??” or “My hair is on fire! What do I do?”
Ms. WTH -
We are indeed working on things like . . .
The toilet paper roll is empty! What do I do?
The front door has been left open! What do I do?
My clothes are not clean! What do I do?
Bring on the real world.
Maj and Kallan are all set.
Ahem.
This totally reminds me of the old How to Be Swell clips on Nick at Nite! “What to do if the bacon is on fire” was my favorite. Maj and Kallan might very well turn out to be swell!
What?
Is this something I can find on YouTube?
I need a link!
I’m on a quest this morning to find “How to be Swell”! But the only one I can find so far is this one: How to Avoid Unwanted Relatives.
http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/2950/
I MUST find the bacon one.
Alas, the Unwanted Relatives seems to be the only remaining video. Still worth a watch, though. It’s swell!
OK, I just clicked to watch that video.
THAT IS AWESOME!
So fucking awesome.
I need to see if I can find the rest of those.
Thank you!
I see an infomercial in there. Kinda like “Your baby can read!” only more realistic.
You guys could develop a program and make millions!
…or at least dollars!
I will make DOLLARS?
I am so fucking in.
If I already didn’t say it, you rock.
And also? I’m referenced in a story about how to dispose of Mark’s body in a mud pit.
I guess if it’s fresh mud, the car would eventually sink and more layers of mud would build up. In 10 million years from now, they’d find an oddly preserved Mark fossil in a car with most of his worldly possessions.
LOL
Axel -
I told you that I missed you.
Once I take care of Mark, we’ll be all set.
Please do not tell Barbara of my plans, as I have no desire to get my ass kicked.
Snort!
Now about Barbara… we could get her to “visit” Mark. I’m just thinking here people…
Finally, we’d be together… just the 6 of us. Our plan complete. Oh…
HELL.
I just thought it through. I’m not sure if I’m ready for 4 girls all hitting that “magic” age all around the same time. Soooo not gonna happen.
How about we cross that mud pit when we come to it? Until then…
Miss you all too!
Ooooooh . . . that is horrific to imagine.
Plus also?
My plan is to hit menopause right about the same time.
We shall remain unrequited, you and I.
Probably just as well.
You would be doomed.
Mark says to tell you that in this version of imagined reality? He would prefer his death to your life.
Mark is feeling sassy, apparently.
I love that you had Kallan just because Maj is way too awesome to do chores. Except the dishes.
Though I think the kids are forgetting something. In a few years they will want a second car around. So pushing it in the mud even if it saves you paying for burial costs may not be so good. I’m a little surprised they didn’t think of it. :)
Lizzie -
Maj and Kallan make no sense at all in their complaints.
Everything is always stated in the broadest possible generalizations.
They are overly fond of words like ALWAYS and NEVER and EVERYTHING and NOTHING.
Silly children.
And they soooo forgot about needing a car in a few years.
Or maybe they just figure they will take mine.
I’ll be all weak and feeble by then.
They’ll just shove me into the lake and take my car.
That’s probably the plan.
Yes I guess you will have a few more years before they finally realize they will be driving soon.
Something to appreciate. :)
Yes.
When I stop to imagine Maj driving a car?
My heart hurts.
Ack.
I’m not worried about Maj. She will follow all the rules, drive the speed limit, properly stop at stop signs, etc… Kallan on the other hand will speed, do rolling stops and anything it takes to annoy Maj if she is in the car :)
Lizzie -
Maj has already announced she is not planning on driving anywhere with Kallan unless Kallan makes some changes in her attitude.
And Maj’s biggest driving issue?
May be her height.
Seriously.
Kallan has offered to work the pedals for her sister, should that become necessary.
That went over well.
Snort!
that’s what platform shoes are for lol!
I think they may make leg extenders or something.
But hopefully? She will get taller in the next couple years.
LEG EXTENDERS?
So much giggling.
Um wait, I meant Maj will drive under the speed limit. Because that is the limit but you shouldn’t necessarily drive that fast.
See I am getting to know your girls lol!
You are indeed.
Maj is so not going to speed.
Not even.
I wouldn’t be too sure about that, you two.
Maj will spend the first part of her life all tightly wound, yes.
But because she has such amazing parents? She will eventually unwind.
Maybe it will be a slow unfurling process.
Or maybe she will do it the way I did it.
Snap!
In either case? I’ll bet you a beer that speed limits will become one of the first victims of the unwinding process.
I will stop by in a decade or so to collect on that bet.
Ack!
I would much prefer the slow unfurling version!
Snap?
That sounds terrifying!
You are making my stomach hurt with visions of Maj as a scofflaw speed demon.
Ack.
Oh no! So not my intention!
The snap was not so bad. Really. More like a small rubber band.
Nothing of the postal variety, I swear.
Maj? Will never be a scofflaw anything.
But if she someday becomes a look-askance-at-the-law demon?
Be proud. That is character growth.
Ok, whew!
I imagined a bungee-cord-like whiplash sort of effect.
What you are describing sounds fabulous . . . I would love for Maj to be able to make her own decisions about what authority is important enough to obey.
A little speeding?
That would be awesome.
Happy sighs at that thought.
And to add to the Mark fossil mystery: a human with odd monkey hands.
I hope you’d at least put a beer in his hand before sending him into the great muddy beyond.
Oh yeah, which car- van or SUV? The BMW would have been a nice touch but… oh well.
:-D
I love the minivan, so Mark goes into the lake in the SUV.
The beer is a nice touch!
Mark will appreciate that, I’m sure.
He still misses that BMW.
So hush.
I would love to know all of Maj’s answers. Are you curious?
Madeleine -
I am indeed curious.
But some things are better left unknown.
This is one of those things, pretty sure.
Ack!
Don’t all parents have the second child so the first child can stop doing everything? I thought that was the only reason.
Sadly, sarcasm is completely missed by toddlers. They’re so not fun at all. Some day I hope she appreciates my sacasm as much as your children appreciate yours.
Amy -
I know!
All of my best material was wasted on my toddler daughters.
I do so enjoy that they get me now.
And that they are able to “get” me back.
Love that.
I also have two girls, mine are 4 years apart and still pretty young – but I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT until my sarcasm is realized for the comic genius that it is by them – now they just look at me like I’m nuts…
But one day… They will be thoroughly annoyed! And my life will be complete!
Thanks for a glimpse into my delicious future!
Vanessa -
It is so much fun.
All that you imagine it will be.
So . . . much . . . fun.
Yay!
Isn’t being all smart-assy the greatest gift we can give our children?
Happy smart-assy sighs.
Cathy -
Happy smart-assy sighs sound a lot like farts in my imagination.
Which is fine.
Just thought you should know.
I meant that I imagined those sighs sounded like farts.
Not that my imagination farts.
Hush.
Once, upon seeing a survival camp that was being held by a local wildlife center – you know, the kind where you go into the woods and have to make it on your own with whatever you can carry – I announced that I was going to try this with my children. Except instead of asking them to try to survive alone in unfamiliar woods with only a knife and a canteen and some jerky, I was going to ask them to try to survive unaided in our fully stocked suburban house where they have lived since birth. Survival camp for children sadly afflicted with laziness and extreme learned helplessness.
Momo -
DID YOU ACTUALLY DO THIS SURVIVAL CAMP?
I want to hear how that went!
I so fucking do!