Nothing on the DVR last night worth watching, so I am flipping through the channels mindlessly, looking for trash.
I figure the chances of trash are pretty good.
Flip, flip, flip, flip.
Sure.
I sit and stare at the basketball wives for perhaps 20 minutes, and then the episode is over. I won’t be watching this show again. Twenty minutes turns out to be enough time for me to learn the key lesson this show is trying to impart:
Professional basketball players are perhaps not ideal candidates for long-term committed relationships.
Make a note.
Plus also? Duh.
Weird thing, though.
As I am watching this show, my eye is drawn to a woman named Tami. Feels like I know her from somewhere. Which is stupid, because I don’t follow basketball players at all, never mind the women they are fucking. Weird, though.
I stare at her.
She is planning on getting liposuction. She is not pleased with her back boobs.
She didn’t actually call them back boobs. My words.
She has three on each side, according to her doctor. He calls them “rolls,” but you can tell he is thinking back boobs. He is way squeeezy of them.
Way.
It is a teeny bit awkward, and Tami looks a little surprised at how happily handsy the doctor is getting with her flesh.
I love trashy reality TV.
So I am sitting there, watching Tami discuss how having these back boobs removed will make her more confident and appealing to men. She needs a new man because the professional basketball player she married? He turned out to be not exactly awesome as a husband.
See above for the takeaway message of this deeply educational show.
Back to the doctor squeezing at Tami’s back boobs. He is all reassuring. He can just suck these right away.
He will suck away the back boobs?
Snort!
I am giggling and drinking a beer and wondering why Tami doesn’t just wire her mouth shut again.
Wait . . . what?
I look at Tami more closely.
Oh my god, people. It’s Tami! Tami from the second season of Real World way back in 1993. Tami of the drama and the tears and the fighting and the wiring her mouth shut to lose a few pounds! Tami!
How you been, girl? I haven’t seen you in like 17 years!
And yes, people. That does mean I have been watching trashy reality shows for a very long time. Hush.
Hold on . . . let me Google.
Oh, Tami.
What the hell, babe? Homeless? Food stamps? Really?
“MARK! I am all geniusy in here! Come check it out!”
Mark walks into the room, “What’s up?”
I explain the situation and close with, “So don’t you think that is awesome? I am just staring at this woman’s face and I know that I know her! I haven’t seen her face in 17 years, but I recognized her! It’s Tami from Real World! I am awesome!”
Mark pats me on the head, “That’s impressive, alright.”
“It is impressive! I have a mind like a steel trap! It’s fucking Tami! I remembered Tami! You cannot tell me that this is not an amazing demonstration of recall. Who is Tami to me? No one! But I remembered her!”
I take a triumphant sip of my beer as Mark stares at me.
He sits down to watch the closing credits and then wrest the remote control from my grip.
Hmmph.
He puts on some crappy show . . . Mark has no taste . . . and then he turns to me, “Did you remember to iron Maj’s shirt?
“What?”
“Her shirt. You said you would iron it this evening.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot. I’ll do it later.”
“You also said you would check on the girls at 10:00. You’re late.”
“Geez, I’m going. I’m going. And no, I did not forget to check on them. I am just teaching them about patience and delayed gratification.”
Mark snorts with laughter and turns his attention to his show, “Right.”
I head up to check on the girls. Maj looks up at me with doubtful eyes, “Did you remember to iron my shirt?”
“I haven’t done it yet, but it’s on my list. Don’t you worry about it.”
“I need it for tomorrow.”
“OK, Maj. I’m on it.”
Geez! Maj has no faith.
Except then there was this . . .
“Morning, Maj!”
“Morning, Mother. Did you iron my shirt?”
ACK!
Maj is not pleased, and she heads off to complain to Mark.
Sigh.
Kallan walks into the kitchen and watches me making her lunch, “Did you forget that today is pizza day at school? I don’t need a packed lunch.”
“Well, crap. Did you tell me this?”
Kallan pours herself some orange juice, “Every Wednesday, Mom. Duh.”
And then Mark and Maj are back. Maj all incredulous that I forgot to iron her shirt. Mark all incredulous that I forgot to iron her shirt. They are so dramatic! Kallan pipes up with the news that I forgot that Wednesday is pizza day, and that possibly I forgot that it was Wednesday altogether.
So fucking annoying.
There is finally silence and I stare at all of them.
I take a bite of what is now my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, “If my mouth was wired shut? This sandwich would be going to waste. Make a note.”
Snort!
could i be first??
Sarah -
Yay!
You are first.
Silly you.
Haha.. Love the steel trap.. It is quite impressive that you remember that. And understandable that you can’t remember it’s Wednesday.. After all, you need space to remember all the Real World characters from 14 years ago. :)
Exactly.
My brain keeps in all the important stuff.
But then there is no room left over for smaller less consequential bits of information.
Like the days of the week.
Sigh.
yay! i was first! and i did read it before getting to the comments….i just hurried up and wanted to claim firsties while they were mine for the taking! hahah!!
right now, i wish MY mouth was wired shut because i am ALL sorts of lazy today, and didn’t go to the gym yesterday OR today because it was a snow day…..but i *could* go now, i *should* go now – and run a couple miles….but i’m still in my pjs, and have zero ambition to go run on the treadmill. i rather eat a brownie….or two. and i wonder why i can’t get rid of these last 8lbs i’m hanging onto!
i am with you on the slew of trashy reality-esque shows that i watch. i love them. my hubby hates them. he will see me watching it, and slink out of the room, going “awww, you’re watching one of your stupid shows for jerks! boooo!” and will retreat to the basement. LOL.
also – tell mark to iron maj’s shirt. he’s capable! you’re watching back boobs be fondled! priorities!! ;)
Sarah -
Mark will watch some of these shows with me. I have actually gotten him a little addicted to some of these shows. I am not allowed to say which ones he loves. Hee hee!
But yes . . . for me?
Reality shows are an escape from reality.
Weirdly ironic, that.
Snort!
Also?
Even with your jaw wired shut?
You can gain weight.
I remember this factoid from Real World. Vanilla shakes sipped endlessly through a straw? Not dietary.
Snort!
ooh, now i want a vanilla shake, with a brownie mixed into it!! YUM!!
and, i did get a workout in….went down to the “man cave” with my hubby and two of his friends, and did a boxing workout….so i can have that vanilla brownie shake guilt free! :)
and ps – mark is not the only one – bobby has gotten to be addicted to a few, too!! he won’t SAY he likes them, but he doesn’t evacuate the room like it’s on fire when they are on, either ;)
Sarah -
I have not worked out in any fashion.
But I still want that shake.
Hmmph.
And Mark is gone now, so I will tell you that he LOVES Celebrity Rehab.
Loves.
I am a bad influence.
LMAO
The other day?
I met this woman, in real life, kept thinking I must know her from somewhere because she was fiercely familiar. Turns out she was on a local commercial recently.. turn out,
I watch too much tv.
Jenaly -
Snort! That’s awesome.
I actually don’t watch that much TV. And hour or so most nights.
But I do love to spend that time with trash.
Happy sighs.
actually it is amazing that you made that connection. wow
obviously your priorities are just where they should be. Maj needs to learn that sometimes her shirt will not get ironed. You are TEACHING her.
that’s right!
Who cares about Pizza Wednesday when they have been all distracted by back boob sucking??
I rest my case your honor..
signed
Kris’ Attorney
Amy -
Yes! I am amazing!
And I do like your take on things. I am providing my children with life lessons! I am doing quality mothering over here!
Although I can see how it would be better if this quality mothering was intentional.
Ahem.
Ha, just today I was watching a movie and I realized one of the minor characters was from one of the early cycles of America’s Next Top Model.
Which is not quite as old and it was a major motion picture so not quite as trashy but still, I felt quite geniusy for calling it.
::high five::
Were you watching The Green Hornet?
I bet that you were.
::high fives::
No! Is there an ANTM girl in that movie? I’ll have to check it out. It was actually The Kids Are All Right.
It’s actually up for an oscar which makes her involvement all the more impressive.
Abigail -
Yes! Not a big part, but Analeigh Tipton plays the slut.
Also?
The Green Hornet was a surprisingly awesome movie!
It really was.
I’m reading this and thinking “who watches trashy reality?” Oh wait. Me. I’m currently watching the trashiest right now. Yes. Hoarding: Buried Alive is on. Trash. Everywhere.
So hmm. Back boobs or trash?
I don’t know. I use it as aversion therapy. Don’t marry a professional athlete. Unless you just want the money Don’t let your house get filled with junk.
Feeling the need to clean suddenly.
It also may be time to teach ironing techniques as I’m sure Maj will find ironing to be a lot of fun.
Also Aloe. Always good to have near the iron.
Ahem.
Lizzie -
I am not a big fan of shows like Hoarders. I like the fake-real drama of Housewives and Drug Addicts and Plastic Surgeons.
When is Dr. 90210 coming back anyway?
Loved that show!
For me?
These shows are appealing because they require no thought at all. I just shut my thoughts down. I think too much in my everyday life. I really do.
Taking a break is nice.
Plus also?
There is the whole schadenfreude appeal.
Ahem.
Well normally I like the Bravo contesty things like Top Chef & Project Runway. I can’t watch the surgery shows because they gross me out. Which makes no sense because I can watch the fake stuff like ER but as soon as I know it’s real? It feels like they are doing it to me. Yuk.
I also find addicts annoying. But being a pack rat? I fear one day I may end up as a hoarder if I don’t keep up.
And? I watch too much TV. Though mostly? It is background noise. I grew up with 6 brothers & sisters. I’m used to some noise.
Lizzie -
The surgery ones gross me out . . . I just close my eyes if they get too icky.
But Dr. 90210?
That was an awesome show!
Although watching them put in boob implants?
ACK!
Serious ackage.
Dr 90210 is awfully cute :)
I can understand the appeal. I would just have to close my eyes too much.
I once watched a show on Discovery on plastic surgery. They followed 3 women. One facelift, one boob job, & liposuction. Really gross. Only one regretted it. Took up to 6 months to recover.
Yeah. Not watching that again.
The DISCOVERY CHANNEL is not the place to go for gossipy trash.
Ugh.
I don’t want to actually SEE the plastic surgery up close and personal.
Ugh.
Well I will admit it wasn’t my choice. My husband wanted to watch & I was probably reading a book so it didn’t really matter to me.
Yes, I was going to say the facelift was the worst. But frankly liposuction really bothers me.
I prefer the trashy TV but my husband likes things like Planet Earth and How It’s Made. So we compromise or I go watch in my office.
Lizzie -
You know what bothers me most about those surgery shows?
It’s how PHYSICAL the whole process is. Watching the doctor lean over and reach in and SHOVE an implant into place? Oh, it just makes my stomach turn.
And the willy-nilly shoving of the liposuction vacuum?
Ack ack ack!
It’s horrific.
yes. the liposuction. Reminds me of an X-File episode where the doctor went crazy and removed well, the person didn’t survive.
Yeah. Gross.
So mostly I avoid Dr. 90210.
But then? I watch CSI and Bones.
I am weird. I know it :)
I was taught how to iron by the time I was eleven.
You’d never have to remember again…
Cameron -
Yeah, but Maj gets all mad and flaily when things don’t go perfectly.
She would sooooo burn herself.
Definitely.
I can’t believe I watched Basketball Wives and I didn’t recognize Tami. I’m so disappointed in myself. Yet the fact that I live in pigsty doesn’t bother me at all.
You must go and read her back story.
http://www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/5071
She is a loon.
What is this “iron” thing you speak of?
Thank you!
I try to never buy clothing that requires an iron.
Maj bought this shirt with her own money (against my advice as I could see it would wrinkle up in the laundry).
And then it wrinkled up and she was all sad and asked me to iron it for her.
Sigh.
I try to never iron anything.
Hate ironing.
At my house, ironing = a toss in the dryer with a damp cloth for 10 minutes.
I don’t watch any reality TV (or much TV at all) so, no comment on Tami. Or her back boobs.
Mary -
This shirt was wrinkled beyond dryer-saving.
And the whole appeal of the shirt (to Maj) was its crispness.
An iron was required.
And you should so watch reality TV!
It’s good for the soul.
Snort!
I purchase clothing for may family based on the fact that I. do. not. iron.
Ever.
Unless it’s a funeral or a school concert, there are always clothing choices that do not involve ironing.
I suggest you plan better when picking out your girl’s clothing.
Alternately, if one of them MUST have something that requires ironing?
That’s why ironing boards are height adjustable chicky-poo, do it your own damn self!
Shawna -
You people are bossy!
Maj bought this shirt. Maj likes things to be crisp and perfect. Maj asked me to iron this shirt as a favor.
And I said that I would.
I fucked up.
Probably you should just teach that kid to throw the shirt back in the dryer for a few.
Krissy -
Nope.
Maj bought this shirt, and the appeal of the shirt is in its crisp, buttoned down look.
No way she is going to get that out look from tumbling it about in the dryer.
But thank you for the suggestion!
I do use that method for all of the other clothing in the house.
Maj bought this shirt against her mother’s wishes, but I promised to help her iron it.
My bad.
I also watch trashy tv and really really enjoy it, but I have to sneak mine because my honey has no tolerance for it. The result is that when he is gone I completely crack out on it. Marathon watching of shit like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom and anything else voyerish I can find. Celebrity Rehab may be my next stop. Ha ha ha.
I have seen Jersey Shore a few times.
Same with Teen Mom.
But my real favorites?
The Housewives and Celebrity Rehab.
And then reality shows that are actually competitions . . . Top Chef, America’s Next Top Model, Project Runway.
Love them.
Swoon!
Crazy addicted.
Again . . . irony . . . call Dr. Drew!
I need an intervention.
Snort!
The patting of the head: totally an Adonis move. The running to complain to Daddy…my daughter has perfected.
Its like we’re living parallel lives.
Except that I don’t iron. EVER.
I try to never iron.
Ever.
Did you know that this house in which we have lived for the past year has a built-in ironing board that pulls out of the closet wall?
I so did not know that.
Until today.
That’s how often I iron.
Snort!
I will cry big fat ugly tears the day either Adonis or I switch jobs and have to wear REAL work clothes. Right now, trying to fancy up yoga pants w/ pearls.
Oh, and he HATES it when I point out an actor/actress on a current show and tell him which episode Seinfeld they were on. He NEVER believes me.
I make Mark take all of his dress shirts to the dry cleaners.
No way am I starching and ironing.
No fucking way.
As for knowing where I have seen actors before?
I always drag Mark in to look at the Google proof!
He hates when I do that.
Snort!
When I had a job that required “real work clothes” (suit every day), I would take my dressshirts to the cleaner . . . as long as I didn’t spill shit on them (big ordeal for me) or didn’t leave them in a ball when I took them off (bigger ordeal), they’d last for months.
Now, I’m in jeans every day & can’t ever imagine going back.
John -
Did you just say that your dress-shirts went MONTHS between cleanings?
I am speechless.
REALLY?
Yeah, my dress shirts would go months between cleanings (some bachelor habits go a LONG TIME before they die) . . . the undershirts most certainly wouldn’t, and if I ever noticed the slightest hint of funk, I’d have the shirt to the cleaner, but yeah…I’d wear any given shirt shirt, over an undershirt, for 8 hours once every 2-3 weeks…it would get at least 3-4 wearings before washings.