Kallan has gum.
A lot of gum . . . two whole packages of Bubble Yum.
Maj does not like gum.
So life at our house has been fabulous.
Here’s Maj . . .
“Mother, she is smacking her gum again. It is dis-gus-ting, and I need you to bring this activity to an end immediately.”
I turn to yell instructions at Kallan, “Kallan! Chew your gum with your mouth shut!”
Kallan walks into the room, her cheek distended with gumminess, “That’s impossible, Mom. I am practicing blowing bubbles. Bubbles have to come out of my open mouth I would love it if I could blow them out of some other hole in my head, but so far? I am still working on the mouth.”
Well, that makes sense, right? I turn to Maj, “Give her a little bit of leeway, babe. She is trying to blow bubbles.”
Maj glares at me, “Let me get this straight. You are OK with her chewing a piece of sugar rubber, covering it with spit and germs, and then stretching it to blow parts of that rubber out of her mouth in a bubble shape until it pops, blowing spit and germs and dis-gus-ting-ness all over the room.”
I turn back to Kallan, “She has a point, Kallan. Maybe you could practice bubble-blowing in another room. Away from Maj.”
Kallan is agreeable, “Whatever. Watch, Mom!”
I watch as Kallan’s face screws up in concentration. She pushes and kneads and stretches the gum in her mouth, and then sticks out a gum-covered tongue to start a bubble. She pulls her tongue back in and starts to blow.
Maj is horrified, “Mother, are you kidding me? She is sticking her tongue out! ARE . . . YOU . . . KIDDING . . . ME?”
Kallan giggles and messes up that bubble. She sucks it noisily back into her mouth, using her fingers to push it past her lips.
“SHE IS TOUCHING HER GUM WITH HER FINGERS! Mother, confiscate that gum! I need that gum taken out of her mouth this instant!”
Kallan puts a hand in the air to ward me off as she smacks and chomps and snaps the gum back into bubble-blowing position, “Hold on! I want to show you that I can do this!”
Maj is yelling now, “Really, Kallan? GIVE MOTHER THE GUM! NOW.”
Kallan talks around her gum, “You ur bot the boss of be. Mommy saib I coulb chew gub.”
Maj and I stare as Kallan manages to fill the gum with a small amount of air.
Yay!
And then the gum shoots out of her mouth and onto the floor. The smaller badly behaved dog comes flying across the room. Kallan throws herself to the floor like she is covering a grenade.
Kallan comes up a winner. Chomp, chomp, chomp . . . smack . . . snap, snap.
“AIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE!”
That’s Maj, by the way.
“DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE SHOT HER GUM OUT OF HER MOUTH AND ONTO THE FLOOR AND THEN SHE PICKED IT BACK UP AND ATE IT AGAIN! I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW! MOTHER! AREN’T THERE CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS SORT OF THING? WHERE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES? WHAT SORT OF MOTHER ARE YOU?”
That’s Maj, by the way.
I giggle, “That was pretty gross, Kallan.”
“GIGGLING IS NOT A CONSEQUENCE! THERE MUST BE CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR!”
Kallan chomps happily, “It’s hardly even dirty. A little dog fur never hurt anyone.”
Maj takes a deep breath, “Mother, I demand that there be consequences. I demand it.”
Snort!
I wrap an arm around Maj and pull her close, “I will make some rules about the gum. I will. But for right now? Just go in the other room. Kallan will be here with me, and you can be in the other room, all gum-free and Kallan-free.”
Kallan talks around her gum again, “Yeah, Muj . . . you coulb be me thwree.”
Maj is filled with hostile mocking, “Are you a toddler, now? Is baby Kallie having trouble with her hard words?”
Kallan reaches into her mouth and pulls out the gum, holds it in two fingers to speak to her sister thoughtfully, “You know what’s weird about gum? It will stick to anything. Anything, Maj. Imagine the possibilities.”
“AIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEIEIE!”
That’s Maj again.
“SHE THREATENED ME! SHE THREATENED ME WITH GUM DOOM! MOTHER, I WOULD LIKE GUM BANNED IN THIS HOUSE. I DEMAND A GUM BAN! I . . . DEMAND . . . A . . . BAN. Do it, Mother. DO IT.”
There is silence for a moment except for the snapping and popping and slobbering of Kallan’s gum, which she has slipped back into her mouth.
Ugh. I am getting a little grossed out myself.
But it turns out I don’t have to figure out what to do next.
Kallan’s eyes suddenly bulge huge with panic and concern and she leans forward to spit the gum into her palm.
“AIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEIEIEIE!”
That’s Maj again.
I hurry over to Kallan, “What’s wrong, babe?”
She holds out her hand for me to see. In it is a big pink wad of shiny wet gum.
And in the middle of that gum?
A large white shiny molar.
She gum-chewed her tooth right out of her mouth.
“IS THAT A TOOTH IN HER GUM? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
Kallan smiles, “That tooth wasn’t even loose! That’s awesome!”
I throw the gum away, give Kallan a glass of water, and Ziploc-bag the tooth for Kallan, “Don’t forget to put that under your pillow for the Tooth Fairy.”
Kallan rinses and spits pink water into the sink and then turns to hold the tooth-bag out for Maj to see, “Guess what, Maj? With my Tooth Fairy money? I can buy more gum!”
AIEIEIEIEIEIEIEEIEIEIE!”
That’s Maj again.
Snort!
Ha! Sounds like my household at meal/snack time: my oldest hollering “chew with your mouth closed!” at my youngest.
Because obviously the chewing is more annoying than the screaming.
KJ -
Exactly. I spend so much time yelling at Maj for yelling about the gum. Between the two of us? The disgustingness of the gum-chewing is drowned out.
And Kallan gets a pass.
She loves when that happens.
You should play “He Had It Comin’” from Chicago for them – “He liked to chew gum – no, not chew it. Pop it. So I told him – you pop that gum one more time…. and he did!”
Ha! That is brilliant. Love it! Might give Maj ideas though….
I don’t know that I have ever paid attention to that song’s lyrics.
Hold on.
Off to YouTube it.
hee hee. You might not like me so much after :P
I was OBSESSED with pulling my own teeth, btw. The slightest wiggle and I’d be futzing with it until the sucker was OUT. My little bro would leave it until it was twisting in the wind and then he’d get my dad to pull it out. Siblings.
Both of my girls tend to leave loose teeth until they are hanging by a thread.
It is BEYOND disgusting.
Ack.
Two warning shots fired into his head?
That’s awesome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDRN3umyXTk
I’m obsessed with gum. I’m also a horrible gum chewer. I very closely resemble a cow when I chew gum.
So not attractive.
It’s something I’ve tried to fix but inevitably my mind wanders and I realize that I’ve been chomping and smacking my gum again. So I have to refrain from chewing in public.
Or around Maj. Apparently.
Abigail -
I also enjoy gum, but I don’t get to chew it much.
Mark hates gum, and he hates to hear me chew gum.
I imagine I am cow-like as well.
Mooooooo.
Way fun, though . . . the whole chewing my cud thing.
Way fun.
OMG, how could you NOT write this stuff? Your girls are hilarious.
When I was little, they use to tie a bloody string around the tooth and tie it to the door knob. Not fun. As if gum wasn’t around back then.
Vanita -
According to Kallan, this tooth was not even the slightest bit wiggly before the gum pulled it out of her gums.
Snort!
The gum pulled it out of her gums!
I love that.
We are a household obsessed with chewing with your mouth closed. All hell breaks loose if someone chooses to disregard our shared fanaticism in this regard. However, Kallan, with her gum threats? Is awesome, mouth open or not.
Angela -
I sooooo wish that everyone in this house would chew with their mouths closed.
For all of Maj’s protests, she also chews with her mouth open on occasion . . . and with her braces?
Shudders of horror at the sight.
But Kallan and her threats?
Awesomeness.
I am so proud.
So funny. I can not wait to enforce silly rules like gum bans and the like!
Look out kids, I am all sorts of dictator LOL
Jen -
Sadly?
I rarely get to actually be the dictator.
Maj has pretty much taken on that role.
Snort.
Siblings. I LOVED this! Except the tooth made me dizzy. (And I only loved that a little.)
The tooth part was not my favorite part of the evening, either.
Ack.
Yeah…I was getting pretty grossed out by the gum story. I thought…jeez Kallan, how many germs are you goign to get on that gum? Also by the tooth in the middle of the gum. That was pretty gross too.
I don’t like gum chewing in general and the women in my office like to smack their gum and pop it and chew like cows. It’s gross. Of course, if I was chewing and popping the gum it would be no problem.
Shana -
Yes.
Gum is one of those things that is only awesome if you are the one enjoying it. To everyone around you? Disgusting.
A way gross story.
I am on a roll!
Let’s see . . . In the last three days, I have covered lice and pee and spit and teeth coming out into one’s gum!
Tomorrow?
Diarrhea!
I am awesome!
Ahem.
Not really.
I mean, I AM awesome.
But I draw the line at diarrhea.
Probably.
Hmmm.
I’m afraid Maj wouldn’t like me very much. I’m a gum chewer. I’m almost obsessive about it actually. I go through probably half a pack a day.
Issa -
Maj would not enjoy you.
Sorry.
No, probably not. However Kallan so would.
Kallan would LOVE you.
Chomp, chomp, smack, smack, snap.
She would love you.
Pop!
I have to add that I cannot stand to hear other people chew, any. thing. Carrots or celery? forget it, I have to leave the room. Chips? Unless I am also crunching, no way! I have even uttered the phrase ‘Honey, I love you but I must leave until you are done eating’ more than once!
Penny -
I have my moments like that, but they tend to occur around a certain time of the month.
During this time, I tend to focus on smells and small irritating noises and repetitive movements.
And then demand that these irritating activities be brought to an immediate halt.
Mark loves those times.
Pretty sure.
this cracks me up. I love how Maj needs gum rules. We have two rules. The gum stays in your mouth until your ready to throw it away (if it comes out, that means your ready!) and you have to chew with your mouth shut.
Thankfully, we all like gum in our family. I do sometimes have to remind my husband of rule #2. He inherited his mother’s gum chewing habits. Ugh. I shouldn’t be able to see the gum unless you’re blowing a bubble!
KMama -
Kallan stores her chewed gum in cereal bowls until she is ready to chew it some more.
I probably need to make some rules.
Sigh.
I have forgotten the tooth fairy a handful of times. I just say that she must have been booked for that night. Too many kids lost teeth before my kid did. Works everytime.
Leah -
That’s exactly the story I told Kallan!
Works every time.
Ahem.
I was just now subliminally forced to reach into my purse and pull out some gum.
You should have trident ads on your blog.
Also Maj is a tad overdramatic about the whole germs thing. Except for the part where Kallan ate gum that was on the floor. That’s pretty gross.
Not even close to the gum doom that went down in the movie Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist though. You should see it. :D
Haven -
Maj is a TAD overdramatic?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are killing me.
Never saw that movie . . . there is gum doom?
I will have to check that out!
There is SOOOO much gum doom. Maj could not even handle it. She would DIE. Literally die. Pretty sure.
You probably wouldn’t really want her to see that movie anyways. There’s a bit of (off screen) teenaged his hand-her vagina action going on. If the gum doom didn’t kill Maj? The horror of handy vagina germs surely would.
Haven -
Handy vagina germs?
I am dying.
Now I want to watch the movie, but not with Maj.
So much giggling.
I love gum…though not really bubble gum–it’s too big and bulbous in my mouth. I’m a lesbian so naturally, big floppy (or hard) things in my mouth, not so much. Anyway, I love non-bubble gum but I usually don’t chew it because I am an annoying gum snapper/popper. Since I am often a space cadet I will start snapping & popping my gum and not notice it until someone freaks out and screams “GZUS! Will you please STOP???” oh, whoops. My bad.
The interaction between Maj and Kallan? So funny. Loved it. Kaolin and I could have been BFFs when I was a kid.
Lindsay -
You said other things, but what the hell is thing about lesbians not chewing bubble gum?
That is the weirdest things I have ever heard!
Is that true?
Or is that just you?
I need to know!
Hahaha. Just me. At least I think. I am weird. And lesbian. I do not believe these overlap in the area of gum except for in my head. I was just thinking about gum and how I hate how it feels in my mouth and my brain got all wacko and went down that road. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard a lesbian say they specifically say they don’t like gum because of the very twisted road my mind went down. I’ll ask around and report back. But pretty sure, it’s just me.
Lindsay?
You are so weird.
Have you ever stopped by a blog called . . .
http://effingdykes.blogspot.com/
You must.
It is awesome.
Shhhh. Don’t tell the others.
Seriously awesome.
So yeah, my partner tells me I’m weird too. She likes bubble gum and would have never connected the two. She also said I should not do a wide reaching survey about this because I’ll just look even weirder. So in my case study (N=1) I am the only one. Sad.
Um, that blog is hil-fucking-arious. I love it and it has been added to my daily blog roll. Luckily I have arranged my life in such a way that I have plenty of time to read blogs, so don’t worry, you are still #1 and I have not traded you away for effing dykes. But srsly. Shit is hilarious.
Lots of love from apparently one of your weirdest readers.
Lindsay -
You should so do a survey! That would be awesome.
And that blog? The Empress sent me that link (Alexandra here on Pretty All True).
She is amazing, and always has excellent stuff to share.
That blog is one of her better finds.
I love that blog.
I am scared to comment over there, but I love that blog!
“GIGGLING IS NOT A CONSEQUENCE!”
that.is.awesome.
Is it wrong that this story kind of made me want to chew some gum? Even after the lost molar? Because I am needing some Strawberry Bubble Yum now…..but no dog hair on mine. If it lands on the floor, it is not going back in my mouth-that is too gross.
Tracie -
Kallan cannot be concerned with a little dog hair.
This is Bubble Yum! Mom never lets her get Bubble Yum, and who knows when she’ll ever have it again? No way she is losing a piece of this treasured stuff to the dog.
No way.
Snort!
When I was a kid there was this Bubble Tape stuff….a foot of bubble gum. Once a year or so I would somehow get my hands on it, and I would make it last as long as I could, because I knew my mom wouldn’t buy more.
Tracie -
They still sell that stuff!
Kallan loves that stuff.