Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.
I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day.
I know you are all surprised by this bit of news, what with me being all romantic and girly and all.
Shut up.
But I did want to do something special for the holiday, so today?
A STEP-BY STEP (AND COMPLETELY FICTIONALIZED)
GUIDE TO FINDING LOVE
1) Break up with your live-in boyfriend by sleeping with multiple other people while he is not paying attention. Get annoyed that he pays so little attention he does not notice that you are sleeping with multiple other people. Feel nothing but disgust when he weeps like a baby at your announcement that you are done here.
2) Move out because you are all Mary from The Mary Tyler Moore Show and you would like to throw your hat in the air and “make it after all” with many people.
3) Move into a house with three men because there is no reason this whole hat-flinging thing should require you to drive.
4) Men in the house are uncooperative. One is gay. One is superior and condescending. And one is insane and strangely reclusive.
5) Yay! Three men in one house means massive parties! Get drunk a lot and fuck many men on your ill-furnished bedroom’s futon mattress. This no-driving plan is genius!
6) What’s this? Turns out the superior and condescending man is not quite as superior as he seemed. HA! Fuck him before he wises up. And then a few more times for good measure.
7) WHAT? Superior man gets all snippy and accuses you of sleeping with the insane and reclusive roommate. You are offended! Like you are the sort to sleep with two of your roommates. What are you . . . a slut? OFFENDED!
8) Approach the insane and reclusive man again, because if superior man is going to be talking shit about you? You may as well get some sex out of the deal.
9) Insane and reclusive man rejects you! The nerve!
10) Tell superior man that you do not even know where he gets off accusing you of this bullshit. You are OFFENDED! Weep prettily about the injustice of this treatment.
11) Pine for superior man for no reason other than the fact that he called you on your shit and now wants nothing to do with you.
12) Oooooh . . . what’s this? Superior man’s best friend? Hello, there! I will so be having some of that.
13) Have sex with superior man’s best friend immediately, possibly not even making it to your bedroom and possibly making more than the strictly required amount of noise during this activity. Ahem.
14) Make a note to add best friend to the rotation, because he is fabulous at the fucking thing.
15) Superior man is all happy and thinks that you and his best friend make an awesome couple. Think to yourself that this is some fucked up shit.
16) Best friend guy calls to ask you on an actual date. Oh, you will be calling some superior bluff . . . yes, let’s do that date and see what superior man thinks of that.
17) Best friend calls to cancel because he is sick. Yeah . . . right.
18) Best friend calls you several more times just to talk. Best friend is a very good talker.
19) Best friend takes you out on a date. Dinner and a movie. He is adorably sincere, and he has the best hands you have ever seen.
20) Start eliminating all fucking that does not involve best friend.
21) Move in with best friend.
22) Fall in love with best friend.
23) Marry best friend.
24) Live happily ever after with best friend.
25) Really.
Who says I’m not romantic?
Swoon!
And first!
Double swoon!
Loved the swoon!
Both times.
That was fucking fantastic ;)
Happy sighs.
It really was.
Assuming any of it was true?
Which it so was.
It was awesome.
Love that *ahem* CLEARLY fictional romantic story. Because I know that you are pure as the driven snow and would never engage in any of the fucked up shenanigans described above. Wow, you sure have some warped imagination.
SNORT!
Varda -
Hee hee! Who says I don’t do fiction?
Ahem.
Absolutely Awesome. Even in it’s-ahem–”complete fiction”.
The lesson? It does not matter how you get to happily ever after, as long as you get there.
Brandi -
Exactly! I got to happily ever after, and that’s all that matters.
Happy sighs at my happy ever after.
Yay!
Seems I have seen another completely fictionalized guide that was very similar to this. Few differences here and there, but the beginning and ending were the same. Love the ending.
Also? I have never been single digit in the comments! Yay me!
What can I say? I’m easy :)
Jamie -
The beginning and the end were the same?
Oh, you have made me giggle.
I love that, easy one.
Love that so much.
The first three and the last five? EXACTLY the same. The middle is a little muddled and involves moving back home for a few months…but pretty much along the same lines.
I LOVE THAT.
I always think it’s funny when people tell their romantic perfect stories of love. Because my story?
Like your story?
It is a little weird and twisted.
But the ending?
Awesome.
Well done, you!
What’s the fun in perfect?
Weird and twisted makes for a better story and (for me) a much stronger relationship. Wouldn’t trade weird and twisted for perfect EVER.
And well done to you, too!
Happy sighs.
I love the path that brought me to this happy ever after.
Love.
Thank you.
I know this is “fictional” and all, but would/could all of this occured in and or around a certain someone’s “6 months of slut?” Just curious! Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!
Mandie -
I have admitted here somewhere that the six months was actually more like nine.
And yes . . . this story roughly corresponds to that period in my fictional life.
Snort!
Kris,
Ahhhhhh. Would have been the PERFECT traditional love story if beer were involved!
Bill
Bill -
Oh, there was beer.
There so was.
You inspire me, sir.
Hee hee!
Beer AND tasers… Perfect.
Wait.
Were you there?
Bill?
Is that you?
Sounds like some fun was had by this “fictitious” lady character.
Also, what happened to the gay roommate? He must have had some roll in all this debauchery, no?
Justine -
Fictionally, speaking?
The gay roommate owned the house and loved drama.
He was always stirring things up.
Snort!
I thought Mark had monkey hands?
Wait…
His monkey hands are what caused you to fall in love with him. Right?
Stasha -
Mark’s monkey hands are only evidenced in the way he holds his glass to drink.
His hands, generally?
Are amazing.
Best “story of how we met” ever.
If it were true, I mean. ;)
Sierra -
I had to leave out the actual moment of meeting.
Mark won’t let me write about that.
Hmmph.
It is such an awesome story.
So funny.
Hmmph.
that was awesome….i love tales like that. we have one that isn’t the typical “meet, date, fall in love” too, and i love it. gives us character! ;)
Sarah -
I love that our beginning was not typical.
He caught me at the perfect moment. He got to catch the last part of my nine months of slut and then move with me into the next part of our life together.
We have been together for 24 years.
And it has been amazing.
All of it.
Happy sighs.
yep – bobby and i were friends for 10 years from 7th grade on before we started dating after our senior year of college. the night of our first kiss, we were at Fenway Park with a bunch of college friends – after we kissed, he said “i can’t do this right now” – but wouldn’t tell me why. i was *that* girl in the bar drunk and crying all night long, even crying on his roommate beth’s shoulder, telling her how i messed up our friendship because i kissed him. well, low and behold, the reason whey he “couldn’t do this right now” was because he had been hooking up with beth! oooops!
me, bobby, and another friend had plans to move into an apartment together after graduation….we still went through with that plan, and i just cried in the shower a lot. lol. so, he was with beth, i was alone….except for when we hooked up on the side here and there…..then he and beth broke up, we were just roommates for a while, then we were more than roommates for a while, and then we were US. :) makes me smile every time i tell the story!
best part, like you said, is that he knew that i was a serial dater in college, and had many a boyfriends, and i didn’t have to tell him all about it! :)
and now we’re all happily ever after! sigh!
Stretch that out to novel length, and you, too, could have a book deal and a Lifetime movie.
Well, maybe not Lifetime.
HBO?
There’s a lot of the fucking for Lifetime.
Anyway, yay for guys named Mark! I mean, assuming this were true, and not totally ahem fictional.
Cameron -
Yes.
There was a lot of fucking in my nine months of slut (previously known as the six months of slut).
Ahem.
And yes . . . YAY for guys named Mark.
Weird that this character is named Mark.
Ahem.
Insane man rejected? Want me to go kick his ass? Because I will do that. That doesn’t sound crazy, does it?
Doug -
Snort!
I know! I can’t go into details here, but trust me . . .
Insane man? He was insane. Probably just as well.
Very cute, though.
Very cute.
And you?
I like you.
Come back again.
It’s good that this is fiction.
Cause that’s all I read you know.
I do NOT do documentaries in print.
Or on the tv for that matter.
You could be Ken Fucking Burns of the blog.
I wouldn’t be interested nope.
But THIS I eat up.
Cause it’s fiction and all.
Lori -
You only read fiction?
Ummmm . . . we may have an issue.
Snort!
Love you, babe.