“Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!!! Kallan, I am injured! Kallan, stop that! OWWWWW!”
We are getting organized to spend the day at an indoor swimming and rock-climbing facility, and the girls have been skirmishing by the front door. They are impatient to get going, but they are driving me crazy. I am upstairs hunting down a matching pair of clean socks when this latest tragedy befalls Maj.
Maj comes pounding up the stairs, wailing and crying, “She hurt me! I was just standing there being innocent and she hurt me!”
Seriously? Why can’t this family ever just walk out of the house in normal fashion? So annoying.
Maj wails and throws herself into a bedroom chair, “She hooped me, Mother! I am permanently scarred!”
I am about to yell at Kallan for being such an enormous pain in the ass when Maj’s words register. “Wait, what? What do you mean she hooped you?”
Kallan yells up the stairs helpfully, “I was doing my hula hoop and I bonked her with it as I was hooping. She is crazy, I believe.”
I turn back to Maj incredulously, “You are screaming because the hula hoop brushed against you? Are you kidding me?”
Maj is livid, “I am injured! I am seriously injured. There is a mark, I am certain. Here, let me show you.” She stands and wiggles out of her pants to show me a bright red circular mark on her thigh, “Look, Mother! LOOK! This is permanent!”
I examine her leg. “Don’t be ridiculous, Maj. No way a hula hoop did that.”
“ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?”
“I am so calling you a liar. Pull up your pants and own the lie. This is a stupid lie. Own the lie, and let’s move on.”
Maj buttons her jeans, “Oh, I would be happy to do that, Mother, except I AM NOT LYING! Kallan hooped me! I am injured and you do not even care!”
“Maj?”
“What?”
“Own the lie or stay home. I am not even kidding. Your sister did not leave that mark with a hula hoop. No way that’s what happened. Own the lie or stay home.”
She is defiant, “There is no lie to own, Mother.”
Maj turns to Mark, “Daddy, Mother is being mean to me! She says I can’t go to the party unless I TELL HER A LIE. She wants me to LIE TO HER! She says I can only go to the party if I LIE!”
Mark wisely decides to stay out of this conversation.
Maj stomps from the room and into her own bedroom. I follow her and stand in her doorway, “I am not joking, Maj. I am sick of this nonsense. Own the lie or stay home. I am happy to stay home. Daddy can take Kallan, and you can stay in your room for the day.”
“I AM NOT LYING! I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED, BUT THE HULA HOOP LEFT THIS MARK AND IT HURTS! I AM INJURED!! YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW KALLAN IS BAD, BUT GUESS WHAT? SHE IS SOMETIMES BAD, MOTHER. SHE HURT ME AND NOW I HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT IN ORDER TO GO TO A PARTY!”
“Whatever, Maj. You have about two minutes to make your decision. Own the lie or stay home.”
She throws herself down on her bed, turns a rage-contorted face to me, and screams, “HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO LIE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY! FINE! I WILL LIE! I AM NOT INJURED. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, MOTHER? GOOD JOB MAKING ME INTO A LIE-TELLER, MOTHER. I WILL REMEMBER THIS DAY FOREVER. GOOD JOB!”
“OK, so let me just tell Daddy and Kallan to head out without us. You start cleaning your room.”
“REALLY, MOTHER? THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I HAVE TOLD THE LIE YOU WANTED, MOTHER! WILL NOTHING MAKE YOU HAPPY?”
Sometimes being Maj’s mother is really tiring. I stand in her doorway and stare at her for a minute. She flops about on her bed, all filled with spikey incredulous self-righteous rage.
“Last chance, Maj. This is it. LAST CHANCE. Own the lie or stay home.”
She stops flopping. Stares up at me.
Wilts.
She is suddenly calm and reasonable. She walks over to me and takes my hands with hers, “Here’s the thing, Mother. I am not really comfortable admitting the lie. So can we just pretend I did that part already and then we all go to the party?”
I stare into her gray-blue eyes, “I do not care how comfortable you are admitting the lie, Maj. Not even a tiny bit. Admit the lie or miss the party.”
Maj’s eyes flash with anger, “You drive me crazy. You just want me to agree to your version of the truth. Your version is not all that matters, you know.”
“And?”
She sighs, “And maybe I didn’t get hurt by the hula hoop.”
“And?”
“And maybe I pinched my own leg to leave a mark when you weren’t looking.”
“And?”
“And then I lied about it and blamed Kallan and threw a huge fit.”
“And whose version of the truth is this?”
“Yours.”
“And?”
“Kallan’s.”
“And?”
“Mine.”
“OK, then! Off we go to the party! Yay!”
Maj walks past me, “Mother, you are possibly a little bit stubborn.”
“Yes, well . . . I would say you come by it honestly, but turns out you are a big fat liar.”
“No need to be rude, Mother.”
“No need to lie all fat and big, either.”
“No need to be grudgy, Mother.”
“No need to keep talking, Maj.”
She looks at me, “I will just say nothing then.”
“No words required to say nothing, Maj. Try just saying nothing.”
She says nothing.
Yay!
For about 30 seconds.
Sigh.
First?
Yay!
Silly you.
“…turns out you are a big, fat liar…”
BWAA! I love it! You seriously crack me up! Great post!
Brandon -
Thanks, you!
I am pleased to have made you laugh.
Love that.
She’s “not comfortable”
How did you not burst out laughing at that line?
Of course that probably would have pissed her off more.
What a stinker, injuring herself just to try and get her sister in trouble. What did she hope to accomplish?
Silly girl.
Abigail -
It is so hard not to laugh at her.
She’s all sincere and serious and “not comfortable” admitting her lie.
Give me a break.
Maj is a loon.
It is very hard not to laugh.
Very.
I can always tell when Kaylee is lying.
I always call her on it and she always starts smiling whilst trying to argue that she is not lying.
Silly child.
When will she learn that there is no out-smarting the mama??
Hee hee!
Stasha -
Sadly, Maj is getting better at lying. Today was not one of her finer lying moments. Snort!
Kallan, however?
Kallan is a fucking lying genius.
It is scary.
I’m so mean, that after my teens owns a lie like that, one that was made possibly out of jealousy of her sister, but totally stressed me out, I still wouldn’t take her. Maj has a nice mom.
Vanita -
Yeah, I thought about that.
But then everyone’s day would have been ruined.
Our whole family would have been crabby and separated. And the people looking forward to seeing Maj at the party would have been disappointed. So I was not inclined to keep her home.
But if she had refused to own that stupid lie?
I would have kept her home.
I am stubborn that way.
My boys are grown now but they laugh about how I ALWAYS knew when they were lying. I told them it was a gift in exchange for stretch marks.
Lynn -
I am NOT able to tell when Kallan is lying, except that Kallan lies so much that it is usually safe to assume that what she tells me is not 100% true.
Maj is working on her lying skills.
She is not quite on par with her sister.
Thank god.
I love your kids. Seriously. You have no idea how lucky you are to have them lol! Ok, perhaps you do :)
And I forgot to add my older sister used to rub her arm really hard and tell my dad I had hit her lol. Sisters are the worst ;)
Amy -
Without my daughters? What the hell would I write about here on Pretty All True? Snort! I am all kinds of lucky.
And are you talking about Indian Burns?
That’s what we used to call those horrible friction burns we would give one another by holding our hands tightly around the other person’s wrist or forearm and then rubbing crazy hard and fast.
OW.
No she’d just rub her arm really hard, while I was off doing something else all oblivious like (sometimes hee hee) and she would walk up to my dad still rubbing her arm really hard and say “Amy hit me!! See? There is a red mark!”
My dad did not fall for it lol.
Oh, that’s evil.
The girls pull crap like that, and I do not always know who is telling the truth.
Today was different because the supposed weapon was a hula hoop.
Really, Maj?
Give me a break.
Sigh.
Ok, about half way through reading this I had to stop and go and look and make sure my kids didn’t run off to your house. Except for the part where we don’t own a hula-hoop, and your ability to remain calm and not burst into laughter (I so agree with Abigail) this could have been my family. Thanks for the laughs today.
Rhonda -
I do sometimes break into laughter when I deal with my daughters, but today . . . I was just so tired of their nonsense.
So no giggling, even when Maj was ridiculous.
If I had giggled, we would have never left the house.
Maj would have completely freaked out if I giggled at her.
She hates when I giggle at her.
Snort!
Ha! My sister used to try that crap with me. If I touched her she would rub the place I touched her REALLY REALLY hard to leave a red mark. As I was the older sister it was assumed I hit the crap out of her.
I love the way you parent. I have two girls, 21 months apart. I only hope when they are older I can keep my cool and not bust into laughter everytime they try to act like little adults with little adult vocabularies.
Natalie -
Maj is my older daughter, but both of my daughters are capable of false statements against the other.
Maj should know better than to tell me a hula hoop has left a big red mark. So hard not to giggle when she pulled down her pants to show me the hula injury. So obviously a pinch mark of the self-inflicted kind.
So hard not to laugh.
And the girls ALWAYS crack me up with their words.
Always.
Bahahaha – I love that “own the lie” and her rapid transition from hysteria to calm reasoning. “I am not that comfortable” is going to be my new catch phrase. Maj might be getting a call from my boss.
MKP -
Snort! I love that too . . . SCREAM, WAIL, THRASH, MOAN, SCREAM SOME MORE!!!!
And then change tactics.
Let’s talk.
Snort!
hee hee. “Mistakes were made….tantrums were thrown…but I’d like us to move forward from here.”
She’s like a politician.
She really is.
So funny now.
But in the moment? I probably would have been all annoyed with Maj. Yelling at you that you are making her lie by telling the truth? Then only 30 seconds of quiet????
Yeah. Earplugs.
Though it is very funny to read. Since I don’t have to hear it.
:)
Lizzie -
I know! So much funnier looking back than it is in the moment, sometimes.
But looking back?
Hilarious!
I love looking back.
And then writing it forward.
Yay!
Ok, so is that truly how she talks? It is so funny how proper it is. Cracks me up! I love how dramatic she is. It is amusing to us, and probably not very amusing at all to you. Though I don’t have my own kids, I have babysat many children. Sad to say that I have seen many do the same thing (different situations of course).
Kim -
That is really and truly how she talks. She is strangely formal and proper in her language. Not all of the time, but quite often.
And she is ALWAYS dramatic. Always.
And she is always hilarious. Not always in the moment, but later? After she is out of the room?
I giggle a lot.
Hee hee!
30 wonderful seconds?
I swear if you had a third daughter, you could compare yourself to King Lear with the amount of conniving and blaming that goes on.
but I love Kallen’s response. “She is crazy, I believe.” snort.
We were very wise to stop at two children.
Seriously.
And Kallan cracks me up with her casual helpfulness, “She is crazy, I believe.”
Snort!
This totally made me think of Anne of Green Gables when Marilla said that Anne stole her broach and Anne said she didn’t and Marilla said she couldn’t go to the Sunday School picnic (with the ICE CREAM!) if she did not tell the truth…and then Anne told her what she wanted to hear even though it wasn’t true.
But that might just be me.
And Maj was lying to you, so it is different. Also, there was no broach involved. And hula hoops are cool, even if I can’t make them work right.
Tracie -
You have made me giggle hysterically.
Yes . . . Just like Anne of Green Gables.
Snort!
And all this time I thought it was hellacious.
Hellatious, as a distant 2nd guess.
Looks like I am not, in fact, smarter than a 5th grader.
Kali -
Did you read my tags?
Hulatious is totally a made-up word. But it’s listed in Urban Dictionary, and that’s my new very low standard for usage.
Snort!
I saw them after I had already posted. I was going to take my comment back or at least make fun of myself, but your site takes so long to load I got distracted playing Bejeweled in the meantime. ;)
*If you’d be so kind as to delete the comment that says this very thing but is NOT in reply format, I’d appreciate it. It’s late. I got confused. It happens.
Kali -
Yes, I am aware that the site loads more slowly than I might dream. The price of success, apparently. We are working on finding a place to move Pretty All True, but in the meantime? I appreciate your quiet patience.
Or at least your patience.
Snort!
I do what I can.
Kali -
I can always count on you, babe.
Hee hee!