“Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!!! Kallan, I am injured! Kallan, stop that! OWWWWW!”
We are getting organized to spend the day at an indoor swimming and rock-climbing facility, and the girls have been skirmishing by the front door. They are impatient to get going, but they are driving me crazy. I am upstairs hunting down a matching pair of clean socks when this latest tragedy befalls Maj.
Maj comes pounding up the stairs, wailing and crying, “She hurt me! I was just standing there being innocent and she hurt me!”
Seriously? Why can’t this family ever just walk out of the house in normal fashion? So annoying.
Maj wails and throws herself into a bedroom chair, “She hooped me, Mother! I am permanently scarred!”
I am about to yell at Kallan for being such an enormous pain in the ass when Maj’s words register. “Wait, what? What do you mean she hooped you?”
Kallan yells up the stairs helpfully, “I was doing my hula hoop and I bonked her with it as I was hooping. She is crazy, I believe.”
I turn back to Maj incredulously, “You are screaming because the hula hoop brushed against you? Are you kidding me?”
Maj is livid, “I am injured! I am seriously injured. There is a mark, I am certain. Here, let me show you.” She stands and wiggles out of her pants to show me a bright red circular mark on her thigh, “Look, Mother! LOOK! This is permanent!”
I examine her leg. “Don’t be ridiculous, Maj. No way a hula hoop did that.”
“ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?”
“I am so calling you a liar. Pull up your pants and own the lie. This is a stupid lie. Own the lie, and let’s move on.”
Maj buttons her jeans, “Oh, I would be happy to do that, Mother, except I AM NOT LYING! Kallan hooped me! I am injured and you do not even care!”
“Maj?”
“What?”
“Own the lie or stay home. I am not even kidding. Your sister did not leave that mark with a hula hoop. No way that’s what happened. Own the lie or stay home.”
She is defiant, “There is no lie to own, Mother.”
Maj turns to Mark, “Daddy, Mother is being mean to me! She says I can’t go to the party unless I TELL HER A LIE. She wants me to LIE TO HER! She says I can only go to the party if I LIE!”
Mark wisely decides to stay out of this conversation.
Maj stomps from the room and into her own bedroom. I follow her and stand in her doorway, “I am not joking, Maj. I am sick of this nonsense. Own the lie or stay home. I am happy to stay home. Daddy can take Kallan, and you can stay in your room for the day.”
“I AM NOT LYING! I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED, BUT THE HULA HOOP LEFT THIS MARK AND IT HURTS! I AM INJURED!! YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW KALLAN IS BAD, BUT GUESS WHAT? SHE IS SOMETIMES BAD, MOTHER. SHE HURT ME AND NOW I HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT IN ORDER TO GO TO A PARTY!”
“Whatever, Maj. You have about two minutes to make your decision. Own the lie or stay home.”
She throws herself down on her bed, turns a rage-contorted face to me, and screams, “HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO LIE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I WANT TO GO TO THE PARTY! FINE! I WILL LIE! I AM NOT INJURED. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, MOTHER? GOOD JOB MAKING ME INTO A LIE-TELLER, MOTHER. I WILL REMEMBER THIS DAY FOREVER. GOOD JOB!”
“OK, so let me just tell Daddy and Kallan to head out without us. You start cleaning your room.”
“REALLY, MOTHER? THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I HAVE TOLD THE LIE YOU WANTED, MOTHER! WILL NOTHING MAKE YOU HAPPY?”
Sometimes being Maj’s mother is really tiring. I stand in her doorway and stare at her for a minute. She flops about on her bed, all filled with spikey incredulous self-righteous rage.
“Last chance, Maj. This is it. LAST CHANCE. Own the lie or stay home.”
She stops flopping. Stares up at me.
Wilts.
She is suddenly calm and reasonable. She walks over to me and takes my hands with hers, “Here’s the thing, Mother. I am not really comfortable admitting the lie. So can we just pretend I did that part already and then we all go to the party?”
I stare into her gray-blue eyes, “I do not care how comfortable you are admitting the lie, Maj. Not even a tiny bit. Admit the lie or miss the party.”
Maj’s eyes flash with anger, “You drive me crazy. You just want me to agree to your version of the truth. Your version is not all that matters, you know.”
“And?”
She sighs, “And maybe I didn’t get hurt by the hula hoop.”
“And?”
“And maybe I pinched my own leg to leave a mark when you weren’t looking.”
“And?”
“And then I lied about it and blamed Kallan and threw a huge fit.”
“And whose version of the truth is this?”
“Yours.”
“And?”
“Kallan’s.”
“And?”
“Mine.”
“OK, then! Off we go to the party! Yay!”
Maj walks past me, “Mother, you are possibly a little bit stubborn.”
“Yes, well . . . I would say you come by it honestly, but turns out you are a big fat liar.”
“No need to be rude, Mother.”
“No need to lie all fat and big, either.”
“No need to be grudgy, Mother.”
“No need to keep talking, Maj.”
She looks at me, “I will just say nothing then.”
“No words required to say nothing, Maj. Try just saying nothing.”
She says nothing.
Yay!
For about 30 seconds.
Sigh.
Sometimes I just think, ‘Isn’t it a tad premature of Maj to be arguing like a teenager?’ and then I remember myself as a child.
Good thing I have sons, no?
Anyway, serious love for the writing. As always.
Angie -
Maj is not quite 12, but in her heart and in her mind?
She is so a teenager.
Pretty sure.
I saw them after I had already posted. I was going to take my comment back or at least make fun of myself, but your site takes so long to load I got distracted playing Bejeweled in the meantime. ;)
I would have believed the hula hoop story on the first go-around being a survivor of hoop perpetuated violence (HPV) myself.
Moooooog35 -
You make me giggle, sir. You so fucking do.
I am so in for this, my now three year old daughter is a total drama queen and has already framed her brother more than once. Do you think if we just swear off hula hoops it will feign off her future of lying and drama, oh and constant talking because I’m in for that too?
Jessica -
Hula hoops are not the only evil-doers in our house. There are also books and string and napkins and jackets. All with potential for great evil when wielded by a sister.
Sigh.
Children are ridiculous.
My sister used to do that, Mom never caught her or if she knew my sister was lying she never admitted it and I always paid for it. Congrats on calling the lie.
I like it – own the lie… I like that.
M
Mishelle -
Maj hates owning a lie. HATES it. But she fails to see the reasoning behind just not lying anymore. She is stubborn and determined to get her way.
Can’t imagine where she gets that.
Ahem.
You are one fabulous mother.
Let me tell you that!
Own it!
Leighann -
Maj begs to differ. She is not comfortable with me owning that lie.
Snort!
lol….maj is a constant source of entertainment for me. lol.
right now, i’m kind of glad i have a boy and a girl….two girls, i think, i would not be able to handle! LOL!
Sarah -
Two girls is a lot of sassy energy.
But I don’t even know what I would do with a son. Cannot even imagine what that would be like. They come with their own set of challenges, I am sure.
I know my brothers were a pain when I was growing up.
They so were.
i am snorting even though i don’t think there was a single “snort” in there. sounds like one of those days you just have to take 30 seconds at a time.
Terrie -
The morning, anyway. The rest of the day went surprisingly smoothly. Transitions are difficult . . . but rock-climbing and swimming?
Pretty awesome.
Me
Your tags are the best. They are required supplemental reading for your blog.
Ps. Now all I can think of is:
“Drive by Hooping”
and
“When Hoops Attack!”
CJ -
I am very fond of my tags.
And if you read my latest post, you will see that I have been trying to get my shit transferred over to a laptop.
I have maybe fucked up the email transfer. Mark is helping me today. Just so you know that I am an imbecile and not an asshole.
Sigh.
Me
This is a wonderful life lesson. A mantra even.
Own the lies.
You are brilliant at this mothering thing. Probably.
Haven -
I love this blogging thing . . . I love when people tell me I have small moments of possible mothering brilliance.
I get little positive feedback from the people I am actually mothering.
Sigh.
Thank you!
I have 2 different types of posts here at PrettyAllTrue:
1. The kind where I relate (sorry, this doesn’t help, I know…)
2. and your girls’ dialogue. LOVE THAT.
Alexandra -
I like both of those kinds of posts, and as we have discussed?
I need to move back and forth between them. And then mix in a little sex and inappropriate humor. Perhaps some gross.
I get overwhelmed with too much of one thing.
So I mix it up.
Yay!
Kris
Wow. Please thank Maj for making me aware of the dangers of hula hoops. I never would have known the kinds of imminent injuries that could befall my poor innocent children. They’re always standing around being innocent. And there are hula hoops in their proximity. Often. How could I have been so careless?!?
Dear God…just think of the possible tragedy from which Maj has saved my children!
*sniff*
Maj is delighted to have saved your children from hoopy doom.
Snort!
Kallan yells up the stairs helpfully, “I was doing my hula hoop and I bonked her with it as I was hooping. She is crazy, I believe.”
bwhaaa haaaa
Hard thing is that sometimes Kallan does say that when she is guilty right?
So glad you knew the truth, I think I would have been too busy to take the time to realize what was up!
You smart mom you!
that is all
Kallan lies ALL THE TIME.
All the time.
Maj just lied so badly this time that I was able to see the truth immediately.
But Kallan lies all the time.
Sigh.
Maj is a loon.
I think she comes by it honestly, though.
Ahem.
Most of the other blogs I read are written by mothers with small children, and it sounds exhausting. Then I come here and you write of life with older children, and it’s possible that it sounds even more exhausting!
Yuliya -
Yes, but they go to school!
So as tiring as these tweens of mine are?
They spend their days at school!
Snort.