Four conversations I had yesterday.
With Kallan . . .
Kallan comes to me to show me that if she squeezes the long jagged scab on her elbow, a little bit of clear liquid oozes out.
“You want a Band-aid?”
She holds her elbow high and twists her skin to try to get a better look at it, “No, I’m fine. What I want to know is . . . How much trouble would I get in if I wiped some scab juice on Maj?”
“Seriously? So much trouble. So much.”
“What if it was an accident?”
“OK, because we have had this talk? There is NO WAY for this to now happen accidentally. Got that?”
“Rats.”
With Maj . . .
“Maj, lie down so I can give you a kiss goodnight. What are you doing?”
Maj is wrestling a large purple body pillow with which she sleeps, “I think I may try this pillow on the other side of the bed tonight. I might hate it, but I am going to give it a try.”
She settles in and I pull the covers up over her and her newly positioned purple pillow, “Mother, what if I hate the pillow here?”
“Really, Maj? Just move it back to the other side.”
“But then my covers will get all messed up.”
“I’ll be back in to check on you in an hour. Leave the pillow where it is for an hour. We’ll talk then.”
“So if I need to put the pillow back to the other side, you’ll give me a fix?”
“What?”
“A blanket fix. If I need to move the pillow, I am going to need my blankets fixed again. I like how you do it. So do you promise me a fix?”
“Yes, Maj. I will give you a fix.”
“OK, because I think I am going to need a fix.”
“Maybe you’ll like the pillow on this side. Give it a chance.”
I turn to walk out of the room, and she calls after me, “I am living on the edge, Mother! I am a girl with things as they do not belong! I am on the edge!”
“Yes, Maj. You are all kinds of edgy.”
I shut her door.
“Come back in an hour! I am pretty sure I am going to need a fix!”
Snort!
With myself . . .
Oh for god’s sake. If I am going to be awake and staring at the ceiling, I should at least be spending this time thinking about something other than the fact that I am awake. I am the most boring insomniac ever. Let’s see . . . there must be something in this brain I can obsess about. We need dog food. What else . . . seriously? Why the fuck am I awake if I have nothing to think about? This is what it will be like when I am old and senile . . . awake until I die with nothing to think about. Oh, good job Kris. Because thinking about being old and senile and mush-brained is all restful and soothing. What was the name of that show about the senile mother and her son? Mother and Son! Yay! I am not senile after all. That was an awesome show. Why am I awake? Wait. Do I have to pee?
With Mark . . .
“Kris?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“Go to sleep.”
“Oh, I so should have thought of that. I will get right on that.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Australian sitcoms about dementia, the fact that I am too boring to be awake, and urine.”
“You need to go to sleep. Want me to hypnotize you to sleep?”
“Really? If this turns out to be a skill you actually have, I am going to be annoyed that this is the first I am hearing about it.”
“Just be quiet and listen. I will hypnotize you.”
“OK, babe. Go.”
“Ready?”
“Yes.”
“Wooooooooooooooo. Wooooooooooooo.”
“That is not hypnotizing, babe. That’s being a ghost. Ghosts are not known for their sleep-inducing powers.”
Silence.
“Mark?”
Silence.
Sigh.
And then I did have to pee.
Duh.
Entirely too funny!
Katie -
Is there such a thing as “too funny?”
I will take that.
Thank you!
Woooooo?
Alrighty then.
Ok, when I can’t sleep? I pretend I’ve been drugged and am fighting to stay awake.
Works for me.
And? I don’t know why I ever thought this up. My mind just works in strange ways. Sometimes.
Renee -
I do not believe that Mark was actually entirely awake when we had this conversation. He does not remember talking to me at all. Wooooo? Snort!
I cannot pretend that I have been drugged because I hate to feel out of control. So if I imagine that I am on drugs? I start obsessing about how I must assert control. I WILL NOT SLEEP! Yay! I win!
Yeah.
Once you get that thought of “Do I have to pee?” it’s pretty much useless to try to ignore it…
It’s like that little voice in the back of your head that tells you there is desserty stuff in the house that needs to be eaten…
What?!?!? I am soooooooo not the only one who hears that voice am I? Can’t be!
Why is everybody backing away?!?!
M
ps- Scab juice? Really? Ick!!
Mishelle -
Yeah. As soon as my mind starts to wonder if I have to pee?
Peeing is now on the agenda.
Duh.
And yes!
Scab juice . . . so disgusting.
Kallan is a loon.
And, did the blankets need a fix? Did the scab juice ever accidentally get on Maj?
Did you ever fall asleep?
I’ll need answers or I’ll be up all night thinking about them!
Renee -
Maj’s blankets did need a fix. The pillow did need to go back to its rightful side. Maj did step back from that dangerous edge.
No scab juice has been placed on Maj. Yet.
And I fell asleep shortly after 2:30 am.
Sigh.
Phew! Thank you!
I go take a nap now.
Silly you.
Ok Maj is totally OCD and her sister is an instigator. Man, when I can’t fall asleep I fantasize about my life as a professional talk show guest or having sex with my big three allowed cheating guys. I can’t believe you don’t do that. Of course, I AM All Fooked Up though…just saying
Lynn -
Maj may be a teeny bit OCD. Hush.
Kallan may be a teeny bit of an instigator. Hush.
And I do not have such a list! I need that list!
Hmmmmm.
Did she need a fix? I love that she is trying new things. Living on the edge and all that.
Oh I wanted to add, when I start thinking I need to pee, I always end up having to get up. I can’t sleep if I don’t.
Issa -
Maj got her fix.
She is so silly. She likes things to be a certain way. I don’t know WHAT she was thinking.
And yes. If I think to myself, “I wonder if I have to pee?”
The answer is always yes.
And soon.
I was sitting here thinking how uncomfortable it would make me to change my body pillow side. Left side always. I think she’s braver than me. Ha.
Issa -
You know what? Same here.
I don’t have a body pillow, but I cannot fall asleep on my left hand side facing in toward the middle of the bed. I just can’t. I have tried before, just to prove to myself that I can.
But it is weird and uncomfortable that way.
Maj is so my daughter.
You can’t just leave us hanging, did Maj need a fix after the hour had passed?
;)
Whitney -
She so did.
She so needed a fix.
Snort!
You’re my blanket fix. Just sayin.
I too know the boring insomnia, all too well. How boring would THAT 12 Step program be?
I’m your blanket fix?
That is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.
Happy sighs at that thought.
And the idea of the 12 Step program?
I am all giggly.
Thank you for that as well!
I also have the same issue about having to pee. I will lay there & wonder about it. Then I think “I could pee…but it isn’t really dire at this point…” Then I doze…then I wake up & have to pee just a little more than before…& this continues until I *absolutely* have to pee.
*sigh*
So, did Maj need a fix??
Sometimes the things kids say make me giggle…
Yes . . . the peeing thing?
Exactly like that.
Sometimes I will go to sleep, thinking to myself, “I do not even have to pee badly enough to get up and use the bathroom. This can wait until tomorrow.”
You would think I would learn.
Pee never waits for tomorrow.
Sigh.
And yes . . . I gave Maj her fix.
Silly girl.
Scab Juice….that would keep me awake at night…shudder
I keep waking up at 3 or 4 am. It’s driving me nuts because I cannot get back to sleep until it is just about time to get up. BLAH
The best part of your post?
Woooooooooo
heee
that is all
Amy -
I am beyond surprised that Kallan resisted temptation. And I do wonder if perhaps there isn’t a teny bit of scan juice on . . . say . . . Maj’s body pillow.
Sigh.
And Mark does not remember this conversation.
He claims I am making it up.
Yeah, because that makes sense.
Wooooooo!
Snort!
So Mark is a hypnotizing ghost. Or not, as it were. Hell, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Wooooooo
Wooooooo
Nope, didn’t work on me either. I’m still awake. Dammit.
Mark is so goofy.
He has no hypnotizing skills.
And his ghost impression leaves much to be desired.
What he does have is the ability to hold conversations while not quite awake.
And the ability to fall asleep instantly.
Annoying.
I find myself in all kinds of “I’m about to fall asleep but I MIGHT need to pee” mode like every night. So annoying.
But Mark’s noise sounds hilarious. Also? Scab juice. Ha!
Jessica -
I always have to pee once pee occurs to me. Always. Annoying.
And I do not even know WHAT Mark was thinking, playing at being a hypnotizing ghost.
He is not that useful at helping me fall asleep.
At all.
Mu hubs always offers to rub my hair or back until I fall asleep. The problem being that he falls asleep within .5 seconds of hitting the bed so I get like a half stroke and all that does is annoy me.
Getting only half a stroke would annoy the living hell out of me.
Snort.
Snorty giggles!
I was going to say that!
Amy -
Mark does that.
But then he falls asleep immediately (just like you say), and then his hand gets all sleep-heavy and irritating. And I get all pissed off and I lie there all annoyed until I cannot stand it anymore, and then I fling his hand off of me.
Which wakes him up.
Not all the way . . . just enough to realize that I am still awake and in need of soothing.
So he rubs my arm.
And falls asleep immediately.
And here we are again.
Sigh.
I have a body pillow and if it doesn’t stay in the same place all night I’m a crazy person.
Crazy. Person.
This does not sit well with my husband.
He does not fix my blankets. ;(
Leighann –
Maj gets you.
She is going to need a husband who will give her a fix.
Hee hee!
Randall is a sleep talker. He can hold, what appear to be to me, fairly coherent conversations. And most of the time they are not even with me. He is talking to whoever is in his dreams.
The other night Randall wakes me up to this:
“Stasha? Stasha? Stasha?”
“What babe?”
“I am anemic.”
“What? You’re anemic?”
“Yes. I’m anemic.”
“How do you know this?”
“I just know! I’m anemic and need to suck on ball bearings!”
“Yeah, OK. You do that.”
I told him about it the next day. He denied ever having said anything.
So my guess is that Mark is a sleep talker.
Hee hee!
Stasha -
OK, but is it sleep talking if we are actually holding a conversation?
Mark never just talks in his sleep to himself.
But he is capable of not quite rousing himself to engage in conversation with me that sometimes takes an odd left turn.
And then he is a ghost, all pale with anemia, woooo-ing and sucking on ball-bearings.
Husbands are weird.
Snort!