I was flipping through the channels on the TV the other night, looking for garbage to watch.
I want to repeat that part . . . I was looking for garbage to watch.
Hee hee! I know it’s garbage, people. I like garbage.
I am an intelligent, well-read, over-educated woman. I read endless books and magazines. I read blogs. I follow the news through a variety of on-line sources. I am a well-rounded and informed individual. Seriously.
But in the hour or so of television I watch most evenings? I like garbage.
Funny first, if I can find it. There is less funny out there than you might think.
And then after funny? Trash.
I want to not think. I want to shut off my brain and not be challenged in any way. I really do.
For most of my waking hours, I think way too fucking much. Way too fucking much.
Trash soothes me.
So the other night, I am flipping and I catch a little bit of a show about Charlie Sheen. It’s one of those slow-down-to-see-the-celebrity-trainwreck-carnage sort of shows. I could not care less about Charlie Sheen, but I pause for a moment to listen to the words of a train-wrecked woman who slept with him many years ago.
There has been some serious derailing.
Make a note, people. Even with all of the cosmetic surgery advances that have been made, it is a fundamental truth that slutty drug-using women age less gracefully than slutty drug-using men. Wow.
Anyway . . . This woman is telling the story of a date she had with Charlie Sheen. She knew of his reputation, and she didn’t want to sleep with him. To keep herself from succumbing to temptation, she didn’t shave the night they went out. An insurance policy, she said . . . nobody fucks with unshaven legs.
Except my boy Charlie is all persuasive about the awesome fucking he has to offer.
And she is per-swayed.
OK, so I know you are thinking that they fucked, right? Who cares about the unshaven legs? There is train-wreck fucking to be done!
But no! She sent him to the store to buy her a razor so that she could shave before they fucked.
Are you kidding me?
How are you in the midst of that moment . . . that moment of I am not going to fuck this man but damn he smells good and I am not going to fuck this man but oh my god I love kissing him and did he just just run his fingers from my cheek down my neck and around to grab a handful of my hair and I am not going to fuck this man but I cannot quite catch my breath and can the waiter see where his hand is oh I want him to do that forever let me just scoot a little closer and I am not going to fuck this man but jesus christ is that all him let me check oh good lord it is and I am not going to fuck this man but there’s no reason all of these clothes have to stay on and there is no way I am going to fuck this man but the feel of his skin on mine is electric and I am not going to fuck this man but I want to fuck this man very badly this is a very bad idea but I really want to fuck this man oh my god do that again do that again do that again I am not going to fuck this man oh shit I might fuck this man I want him badly I want him so badly I want all of him . . .
WAIT.
Charlie? I need you to go buy me a razor.
What . . . the . . . fuck?
And then Charlie went and bought her a razor!
Here’s what happens in my mind if I am about to fuck a man and then I send him out to the store to buy me a razor . . . hmmmm . . . let me just grab a couple of tissues that’s better no reason things have to be all easy for him when he gets back let him work for it a bit damn he is sexy there was no way I was going to fuck him but he is all persuasive and powerful and sexual and my resistance has been overcome . . . hmmmm . . . by a man who is now doing my bidding at Walgreen’s . . . hmmmm . . . how much sexier would it have been if he had just ignored my request for a razor and just stayed in the moment because now I am thinking he is a bit of a pussy to have gone to the store for me because weren’t we in the middle of something we so were and yes I said get me a razor but he is supposed to shriek with laughter about how no razors are needed here and then possibly unzip my pants and pull them off of me and then remove my panties with his teeth or perhaps rip them off yes that would have been good but instead he is standing in line at Walgreen’s like a fucking moron and I am here all by myself all hot and bothered and I was not going to fuck him and so what the hell am I doing waiting for him to come back that’s just lame no reason I can’t take care of things all by myself and ooooooh yes that’s very nice who needs Charlie anyway . . .
Fuck Charlie.
Except not.
Snort!
yeah exactly, I would be quite bored and disappointed that Charlie Sheen went to get the damn razor—
glad you got to see some garbage.
Bad boys do have that persuasive effect on me.
That is why I am trying to stay single, I think I am a bum magnet, Yeah ok that’s my story…
what were we talking about?
I am off to take a bath
that is all
Baths are good.
Ahem.
GOLD STAR ME FOR FIRST
god that is so juvenile, but I cannot help it I like to claim my firstness anyway–
Being First is the best, except in some situations, where a man is involved, then I think the woman should be first
AHEM
Nah . . . I am all kinds of fine with coming in second.
Second is lovely.
AHEM.
SO not paying attention to the whole Charlie Sheen thing. Why? Because I don’t pay attention to the whole entertainment media thing…just doesn’t get my interest like it did when I was younger. What does get my interest? Exactly what you described…trash TV. I’ll channel surf and as soon as I can find a Hoaders, Duggars, American Pickers, Toddlers & Tiaras or just about anything that Jeff Conway or Danny Bonaduce are on (just so I can see how crazy they are this week), I’m sucked in. And if a marathon of that shit is on, I’m useless for the rest of the day, watching that crap, LOL!
Sharon -
I am not a fan of Charlie Sheen at all. At all.
What intrigued me was the woman.
She caught my attention. Not him.
And Jeff Conway? Danny Bonaduce?
I will watch them any time any place . . . especially if Dr. Drew is tending to them.
Yay!
Just found you on Twitter…oh goody, now I can stalk you! (or, more likely, know when you’ve posted again so I don’t have to keep going back until there’s something new to read ;-))
Wait. Who are you on Twitter . . . am I following you?
Yeah, watching Smoking Gun Presents…
Right now
Danny Bonaduce
Wait.
What is Smoking Gun Presents?
That woman must’ve been hot stuff when she was younger if he was really willing to stop, go to the store, and get a razor if it meant she would sleep with him. I would think someone like Charlie Sheen would’ve just said forget it! And gone after someone else who had shaved her legs beforehand.
Sierra -
Honestly? Seems like he would have found a hooker on the way to Walgreen’s.
But no . . . he apparently came back with the razor.
What a loser.
Ahem.
Whoa, you changed the comment all up in here!
I agree with your second assessment of him, but I agreed with the first one even more.
What?
I see no problem or contradiction.
I have no interest in Charlie Sheen . . . ewwwww . . . you kidding me?
Ewwww.
I didn’t think you did, hahaha.
I meant – I agree about him being a loser, but I agreed about him being a pussy even more.
Oh, so funny!
I thought I changed that quickly enough that you wouldn’t notice.
I decided that in the heat of the moment? I would think that he was a pussy.
But in a comment? That’s not a word I generally use. So I changed it. I changed it right after I submitted the comment, so you are way on top of things!
That’s awesome.
I think it’s weird that Charlie didn’t have a razor at the house.
Hmmm . . . hotel, maybe?
I did not catch that part.
Kris,
Back in the saddle, so to speak.
Ahem.
Bill
You know what?
Never mind . . . I will talk to you elsewhere.
Me
Kris,
Your saddle was nowhere near that hotel.
Bill
Bill -
Silly you.
You don’t know where I go riding.
Ahem.
Me
All that fucking and here I am. Stuck inexplicably on the tags thinking…
“kris doesn’t wear undies?”
I am weird like that.
Toni -
I have mentioned that before, babe.
I am all commando-going up in here.
Yay!
Um, just for your TMI pleasure…
I fuck and get fucked without shaving my legs.
Heh.
How do you like them apples?
Stasha -
Me too!
Who gives a shit about shaving?
Seriously.
Not even.
I seriously gave up a while ago…
That’s how I knew I was comfortable in my relationship with Randall.
More TMI for you…
I trim my legs down with Randall’s hair clippers so they have that ‘two week stubble’ feel to them.
I am really that lazy.
Snort!
That is so awesome I am tempted to Twitter this bit of information so that everyone knows how fabulous you are.
Snort!
I won’t.
But I am so fucking tempted.
Snorty Giggles here, yo.
You so should have tweeted it.
So should have.
There’s no shame in my game.
OK, well maybe a little.
Snort!
Snort!
I told you that you would like those woman, gangster you.
Hee hee!
Your tags today? Brilliant.
Silly lady.
Cameron -
I do like being silly, sometimes.
And I do love my tags.
My husband makes fun of me when I watch trash. He says that I am far too intelligent, well-read, etc., to be watching such crap.
But like you, I want my brain to hiatus for a bit.
I need it to!
Anything with Dr. Drew?
SIGN ME UP.
YES!
Exactly. My brain is in constant overdrive. Dr. Drew and his ilk soothe me.
The housewives and their shrill catty ways? Soothe me.
No brain required.
Awesomeness.
Charlie Sheen touches me in a way that I just can’t describe.
Also, my butt hurts.
Wait, what?
Nigel -
Hello, you. You have come looking for me? Or just for Mr. Sheen?
He is lovely.
As you appear to know.
Me
Um, what the hell kind of stalker am I that I did not know that you are all commando?? I feel like I need to relinquish the restraining order for not knowing that!
Its funny because i get where you’re coming from with the trash TV, it just oesmt work that
Um, what the hell kind of stalker am I that I did not know that you are all commando?? I feel like I need to relinquish the restraining order for not knowing that!
Its funny because i get where you’re coming from with the trash TV, it just doesnt work that way for me. I become to embarrassed to be the same species as the likes of Charlie Sheen. I like problem solving shows. It appeals to my desire for things to have straight forward answers and conclusions. I escape the nebulosity of everyday life. :)
Oops. Sorry about that. Premature publishing. How embarrassing.
You make me giggle.
That is all.
Did you see the Hoarders episode about the rat collector?
Hee hee!
I did not, but others told me.
Straight-forward answer?
Kill the fucking rats.
Duh.
Done.