I was flipping through the channels on the TV the other night, looking for garbage to watch.
I want to repeat that part . . . I was looking for garbage to watch.
Hee hee! I know it’s garbage, people. I like garbage.
I am an intelligent, well-read, over-educated woman. I read endless books and magazines. I read blogs. I follow the news through a variety of on-line sources. I am a well-rounded and informed individual. Seriously.
But in the hour or so of television I watch most evenings? I like garbage.
Funny first, if I can find it. There is less funny out there than you might think.
And then after funny? Trash.
I want to not think. I want to shut off my brain and not be challenged in any way. I really do.
For most of my waking hours, I think way too fucking much. Way too fucking much.
Trash soothes me.
So the other night, I am flipping and I catch a little bit of a show about Charlie Sheen. It’s one of those slow-down-to-see-the-celebrity-trainwreck-carnage sort of shows. I could not care less about Charlie Sheen, but I pause for a moment to listen to the words of a train-wrecked woman who slept with him many years ago.
There has been some serious derailing.
Make a note, people. Even with all of the cosmetic surgery advances that have been made, it is a fundamental truth that slutty drug-using women age less gracefully than slutty drug-using men. Wow.
Anyway . . . This woman is telling the story of a date she had with Charlie Sheen. She knew of his reputation, and she didn’t want to sleep with him. To keep herself from succumbing to temptation, she didn’t shave the night they went out. An insurance policy, she said . . . nobody fucks with unshaven legs.
Except my boy Charlie is all persuasive about the awesome fucking he has to offer.
And she is per-swayed.
OK, so I know you are thinking that they fucked, right? Who cares about the unshaven legs? There is train-wreck fucking to be done!
But no! She sent him to the store to buy her a razor so that she could shave before they fucked.
Are you kidding me?
How are you in the midst of that moment . . . that moment of I am not going to fuck this man but damn he smells good and I am not going to fuck this man but oh my god I love kissing him and did he just just run his fingers from my cheek down my neck and around to grab a handful of my hair and I am not going to fuck this man but I cannot quite catch my breath and can the waiter see where his hand is oh I want him to do that forever let me just scoot a little closer and I am not going to fuck this man but jesus christ is that all him let me check oh good lord it is and I am not going to fuck this man but there’s no reason all of these clothes have to stay on and there is no way I am going to fuck this man but the feel of his skin on mine is electric and I am not going to fuck this man but I want to fuck this man very badly this is a very bad idea but I really want to fuck this man oh my god do that again do that again do that again I am not going to fuck this man oh shit I might fuck this man I want him badly I want him so badly I want all of him . . .
Charlie? I need you to go buy me a razor.
What . . . the . . . fuck?
And then Charlie went and bought her a razor!
Here’s what happens in my mind if I am about to fuck a man and then I send him out to the store to buy me a razor . . . hmmmm . . . let me just grab a couple of tissues that’s better no reason things have to be all easy for him when he gets back let him work for it a bit damn he is sexy there was no way I was going to fuck him but he is all persuasive and powerful and sexual and my resistance has been overcome . . . hmmmm . . . by a man who is now doing my bidding at Walgreen’s . . . hmmmm . . . how much sexier would it have been if he had just ignored my request for a razor and just stayed in the moment because now I am thinking he is a bit of a pussy to have gone to the store for me because weren’t we in the middle of something we so were and yes I said get me a razor but he is supposed to shriek with laughter about how no razors are needed here and then possibly unzip my pants and pull them off of me and then remove my panties with his teeth or perhaps rip them off yes that would have been good but instead he is standing in line at Walgreen’s like a fucking moron and I am here all by myself all hot and bothered and I was not going to fuck him and so what the hell am I doing waiting for him to come back that’s just lame no reason I can’t take care of things all by myself and ooooooh yes that’s very nice who needs Charlie anyway . . .