People! If you haven’t yet had a chance, check out the new Featured Bloggers!
They are right there on the side of my blog. Lindsay, Yuliya, and Midget Man of Steel.
Or check out the post I put up about them.
I did romantic yesterday, so if you are feeling all Valentinesy? Stop reading right this moment and click back to yesterday’s post instead. Seriously . . . I was all romantical and swoony.
I have here on my desk a helpful flyer that came home with the girls. I have been trying not to think about this flyer, but it keeps catching my attention.
Dear Parents: We have had a few cases of head lice this past week.
This is not good.
The flyer continues with . . .
10 Surprising Things You Might Not Know About Head Lice
(Yay! Who doesn’t like surprises, right?)
1) Head lice are not a sign of uncleanliness, infection, or disease. Head lice are simply a nuisance.
A nuisance is not so bad, right? Although I would feel more reassured by this statement if the reverse side of the flyer did not include vacuuming, mattress ironing, pesticides, bleach, alcohol, and hair scraping as integral parts of the battle against this “nuisance.”
Mattress ironing. Really.
I would like to take a moment here to imagine having to scrape lice and eggs from Maj’s obsessive germ-phobic head.
Kill . . . me . . . now.
2) Lice do not hop, jump, or fly. Direct head-to-head contact is required for transfer.
Really? Then why am I instructed to bleach all hairbrushes and combs and hair ornaments? Why am I told to wash and dry all bedding, toys, stuffed animals, and clothing? Why am I told that I should continue doing these things for six motherfucking weeks? Why am I told to assume that if one person in the family is infected, we may all be infected?
We do not go around butting heads in the literal fashion.
I think lice hop, people.
3) Research has shown that lice are not likely to be passed on by pets.
Not likely? What kind of lame-ass research has been done on this issue? If the lice can be passed along by a stuffed animal, they can sure as hell be passed along by my unkempt dogs. Making a note . . . in case of lice, shave the fucking dogs.
4) When found, most cases of head lice are already more than a month old.
UGH! Plus also? My head is all itchy.
Weird, right?
5) Because of overuse of head lice shampoos, head lice have become resistant to the products that would once kill them.
Great.
There must be something that will kill them, right? Maybe a lice spray or something? Oh, but wait. I am told elsewhere on the flyer in big bold letters . . . DO NOT USE LICE SPRAY. It is toxic and ineffective.
Wait. Which is it? Toxic or ineffective?
Don’t I want toxic?
6) You will have to remove the nits (eggs) and live lice with a special metal-tooth comb.
Again. I want you imagine this with me (as suggested by this flyer) . . .
Maj and I in the back yard, where I am dampening her pesticided hair and then pinning it into tiny sections. Releasing and then combing through her long thick hair, one unpinned tiny section at a time. Scraping individual strands of hair with a pair of baby scissors. Plucking eggs off of her hair with tweezers. Combing from the tip of her hair back toward the scalp, scraping as I go. Cleaning the comb and the scissors and the tweezers after every contact with her head. Plucking the nits with my fingernails and crushing them between my fingertips.
Kill . . . me . . . now.
Also? Is there anything more white trashy than to be literally nit-picking?
I think not.
7) Hats and coats touching in school are not usual sources of lice. Head lice found on personal items or clothing are typically dying lice.
If this statement is true, then why am I instructed to obsessively and maniacally wash, iron, vacuum, bleach, and heat to high temperature every item in my house with which lice may have come in contact? For six weeks?
Riddle me that, motherfuckers.
8) Schools are not the most common places where head lice are thought to be spread. Sleepovers and carpools among friends and relatives are thought to be a common way they are passed from home to home.
Who thinks this?
I think that the only people who think this are the people who have sent me this flyer.
Hello, buck-passing administrators of my daughters’ school.
Do bucks hop?
9) School-wide head checks are not recommended or endorsed by the Harvard School of Public Health, the American Academy of Pediatrics, or the Centers for Disease Control.
Does this mean you won’t tell me which children I should tell my children to avoid?
Hmmph.
10) Nit and lice removal is tedious but there are some simple products that may help. Vinegar, real mayonnaise, olive oil, and Dawn dish soap all have their fans, even though none of these products have been proven effective. The way they seem to help is to loosen the “cement” that the nits use to attach to the hair shaft. Never use kerosene!
OK, first? There are simple products that may help but they will be completely ineffective? That is not useful information. I am supposed to slather Maj’s head with mayonnaise and Dawn dish soap just for the hell of it?
I’m thinking someone is giggling hysterically, and it is not me.
Second? Did you just use the word “cement” to describe the connective strength with which the nits will be bonded to my daughter’s hair? Fuck.
And third? It would never have occurred to me to use kerosene.
But now it’s all I can think about.
Because in case of a lice infestation?
Flames may be required.
Oh, and finally? I am told that if a member of my family gets lice? I am to immediately “notify all people who have recently been in contact with the household member.”
Anyone remember that SNL skit from forever ago? Anyone who has had sex with Susie please report to the principal’s office immediately. You may have contracted a venereal disease.
So basically, in the end?
Lice is like VD.
See how I brought that all back around?
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Snort.
Eww lice no fun at all. I’m so glad to hear that they are unkillable now. Fantastic. Also such bs on the head contact. Lice has to hop or be carried by pets cmon now. People don’t rub heads together unless they are eskimos who wear hoods so they are fine.
Tim -
I know, right?
I am thinking whoever wrote this flyer has his head up his ass.
Which would lead to lice in the most inconvenient of places.
Snort!
I think that makes them crabs lol!
HA!
So if direct head to head contact is required, then nobody should have lice.
Unless this school has everyone butt heads together all day in some sort of collective hive mind experiment.
*scratch* *scratch*
Exactly!
Stop playing head-butting games at school, and we’re all set!
No more lice.
Stupid school.
And yes . . . ever since receiving this flyer?
My head is all itchy with paranoia.
::scratch::
When I was in third grade I went to a very small school and I believe the entire school got lice. My mom cut my sister and brothers hair and washed and combed it with whatever lice removing stuff they used then. I, on the otherhand had very long thick hair that my mom was not going to cut. I remember having to go through the whole wash, comb process a billion times. I sincerely hope you do not have to do that with Maj, and it sounds like a bunch of the stuff the school sent home is to try to keep people from being made at the school. Good Luck!
Megan -
I love you, but you have not made me feel better.
At all.
Hmmmph.
Ugh, that’s the worst…when you think about bugs and then all of a sudden you feel like you have bugs on you? Well, maybe that’s second worst. Cause first worst would be actually having them on you.
Anyway, lice are sick. I know they happen and it’s not all white trash, but they are sick and gross and I do not want to be an orangutan picking shit off other people’s heads. Ick. Going to shower now.
Lindsay -
See?
Just the thought of it makes you all itchy and gross feeling!
I have been surreptitiously checking the girls’ heads, not wanting to kick Maj’s issues into high gear.
Ugh.
I need a bath.
Or maybe a shower.
A Silkwood shower.
Yes.
You owe me a iced-coffee that is NOW all over my keyboard, oh and a new keyboard. fucking funny, and all so true.
Deanna -
I love you now.
You’re not getting a keyboard or a coffee.
But I love you.
Ok. My head is all itchy now, thank you very much.
Thank god I have no children at home in schools anymore. I may have to ban the grandkids when they start attending.
Need to go bleach my hair. Ack
And Happidy Hearts and Roses to
You too!!
Renee -
Thank you! You know I like to do the holidays up in spectacular fashion! Yay for VD!
Snort!
Oh, and also?
I have an old-lady bone to pick with you. Let me see if you are on Twitter.
I had lice once, when I was eleven.
Olive oil was helpful in that the bugs suffocated. My hair was doused in it and then I had to wear a shower cap. It gave me a headache, but at least it killed them. Because even nasty lice can not become immune to lack of air!
But I did have to go through getting my hair all combed out and shit, and that sucked. Glad that you guys don’t have any.
Sierra -
But what if we do get them?
Ugh.
I have to go lie down in the closet for a while.
I am all itchy.
Then you’ll get all kinds of sympathy from me, from far away. FAR away, haha.
Oh and P.S. – my hair was more than halfway down my back, and my hair is extremely thick. My mom told me she’d give me $50 (a fortune to my 11-year-old mind) if I’d let her cut it. My dad was the one who said no, because he loved my long hair. My mom said fine, but that he was the one in charge of combing it all out, haha.
Sierra -
And so did your dad do all of the combing and picking?
Maybe this is a job for Mark!
Snort.
As if.
He is all bug-phobic.
If he gets lice? He is going to die.
Seriously.
Yes, he did, surprisingly enough. I’m still amazed at what he was willing to do to make sure my hair wasn’t cut. We sat in front of the TV for hours and he meticulously combined through all of my hair to pull the bugs/eggs out. It was disgusting, but I imagine it was much worse for him.
I’m bug-phobic too. Having lice myself was bad enough – I don’t think I could ever touch them/pull them out of someone’s hair.
My dad just shaved his head when my sister and I got it. We were all very jealous!
Sierra -
Your dad is awesome.
That is just such an amazing dad story.
I love him.
Love.
I don’t have any witty comments in me.
I do have some childhood memories of my poor mother getting rid of my head lice. I do not want to have to do that with my own daughters. Ick.
Here’s hoping you won’t have to do any nitpicking!
Motherfucking lice.
Madeleine -
Motherfucking lice.
Motherfucking paranoia.
Hmmph.
Too funny. Similar thing with daycare like 3 years ago…my head itched for weeks, every damn time I thought about it. My mom was a teacher for decades. Her moms who were hairdressers had a surefire way to avoid lice: wet hair, gel hair (especially at root), dry hair with hair dryer on high heat, then a little hairspray (at the root). She swears by this! Good luck!
Maggie -
I have heard from others that applying some sort of product to the hair wards off the lice.
Sigh.
Thank you.
I’m thinking shaving our heads may be the way to go.
Bald is a cute look when you are a tween, right?
Oh, but you are in luck. There are salon’s where you can take your nit head to get de-loused. We’ve had this letter sent home at least three times this year. You can always tell when there is a big outbreak at the school because Trader Joe’s is sold out of tea tree oil shampoo/conditioner. Rumor has it that lice hate tea tree oil and will avoid it. Get a little bottle of the oil or the shampoo and put some on your kids. Then put some on you. Then braid everyones hair so it isn’t flying about. Then eat a cupcake and try not to think about your itchy head and remember we’re all in this together. FYI – the nit salon http://www.pickyournits.com/index.htm
Jen -
There are nit salons?
That is so awesome!
Making a note . . . Tea tree oil from Trader Joe’s.
I have already been making the girls pull their hair into braids on the assumption that they would make a smaller lice target that way.
And now? I want a cupcake badly.
Very badly.
OK, I just clicked that link!
They have a nit-picking monkey as a mascot!
Bwahahahaha!
That is fabulous!
If you want to gross yourself out there is actually a dirty jobs episode where he works a day at the Nit Salon. Gross, yet not unlike a train wreck, I could not look away…
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I love that show!
I must see that episode.
Oh my god.
Riddle. Me. That. Motherfuckers.
That one line made my night.
Best thing about this dreary Monday night which finds me working one of two consecutive 12 hours days with these horrible people because the mother cannot care for both of her children simultaneously. She must have another adult present.
Cameron -
What if those children for whom you care got lice?
Say . . . right before you quit your job?
Hee hee!
That would be sort of awesome.
What would that mother do, you suppose?
Snort!
Oh god. I feel for you. I’m a child protection social worker and the lice cases send me right over the edge!! I will wear a freaking touque in the dead heat of summer to go into a home where there has been lice with every single strand of my hair tucked in – making me look like I’m about to murder them not protect them! My head itches just reading your post!!!
Suck it lice!!!!
Colie -
Ummm . . . Happy Valentine’s day?
Snort!
Suck it lice!
Ewwww.
I do not like sucking anywhere near lice.
Ewww.
Only problem is now I’ve connected sex with head lice…
Oh ick.
M
Mishelle -
Then my work here is done.
You’re welcome.
What I find the most disturbing is that, apparently the lice these days? Are immune to toxins that used to kill them! Lice are scary.
Whitney -
I know! They are like superbugs!
People trying to tell me they can’t hop.
Give me a break.
Elliott had lice once. IT WAS THE WORST. I couldn’t handle it, so I passed the buck to my husband. Kerosene is not recommended, but what about gasoline for her and alcohol for you? Frankly, I recommend shaving her head. She might look good with a waxed head.
Lanita -
You are not making me feel better!
None of you are making me feel better!
ACK!
Is there really any situation which involves lice and anyone feeling better? I just feel like lice always = doom, misery & itching.
Is there a sort of bird that eats lice?
Maybe a spider?
Sigh.
Mark is not going to be happy if I fill our house with spiders and birds.
I’ll be like that old lady who swallowed a fly.
She’s dead.
God I loved the book even though it was so sick. Who the fuck would swallow all the shit? The pictures were rad. Good thing she didn’t swallow a louse. Ick.
It was an awesome book, but totally insane!
Loved it.