“You can call it The Blank Post,” Maj tells me as she looks at my empty screen.
“Hold on, let me type that.”
“OK, well now it’s not the blank post any more. Now you have typed words.”
I have asked Maj for help. I do not have words of my own today, and she has promised to help me. Hold on, here’s Maj . . .
“Mother, I cannot feel all pressured to say something funny. Millions of people might be reading this, Mother. I am all pressured now.”
“Maj, you are not as helpful as I hoped, babe.”
“Mother! Delete that sassiness this instant!”
“See? It’s harder than it looks to fill the screen every day.”
“Tell the people I said to just type random letters. Then the screen will be filled.”
“Ummm . . . that’s not going to fly, babe. People like their letters arranged in sensible fashion. Try again.”
“OK, well . . . type random letters and then tell them there is a secret code. That all the secrets of Kris will be revealed if they just crack the code.”
“OK, but what about the people who try to crack the code and get all angry?”
“Tell them only worthy intelligent people will be able to figure out the code. It will be like The Emperor’s New Clothes! Everyone will pretend that they know what you have said, because they will not want to admit that they are stupid and unworthy.”
“Meanwhile, I will be all naked?”
“Yes.”
“Actually naked?”
“Mother, of course not. No way am I inviting my friends over if you are actually naked. You will be naked of meaning.”
I laugh, “Maj, you are perhaps a genius.”
Maj giggles, “Besides, if you were really walking around here naked? You would be covered in hives. Not cute, Mother.”
“I am allergic to cold. It is a serious allergy, Maj. Do not mock your mother.”
“Mock, mock, mock.”
“What else shall we talk about?”
“Do you ever tell your readers how bad you are?”
“What? I am never bad.”
“Yes, you are bad. Plenty of times. Hmmmm . . . Problem is that in order to tell those stories, I have to share things about how I was bad as well. So never mind, Mother. We’ll just be quiet about your badness. But it is there, Mother. I have seen it. Tell the people I have seen it. I have seen your bad side.”
“Whatever, Maj. I am perfect. You are lucky to have such an awesome mom.”
“Really, Mother? Really? Tell them how high my eyebrows went when I read that sentence. Also, Mother? There is only one perfect person in this room.”
“Hmmm . . . it’s just the two of us here.”
“Hint, Mother . . . the perfect person is not you.”
“Whatever, sassy you.”
“Ask me a question, Mother. You cannot expect me to just say genius stuff for no reason.”
“Want to talk about Kallan?”
“Those are uncharted shark-infested waters, Mother. You sure you want to go there?”
“Sure. How dangerous can sharks be, right? So tell me about how you love your sister.”
“Are you kidding me, Mother? She is a demon. She looks good on the outside but she has a bad heart.”
“She does not!”
“She acts all perfect for you, but then when you are not around, she releases her inner Kallan. Inner Kallan is a demon. You have seen glimpses, Mother. I know you have. Inner Kallan does not have empathy, Mother. No kindness, either. A lot of good stuff missing from inner Kallan, Mother. I could go on and on.”
“You think if I asked her, Kallan might say something very much like that about you?”
“No way. The inner Maj is perfection. Everyone knows this. I’m surprised I have to tell you this. If Kallan thinks she sees a bad Maj? It’s really inner Kallan exploding about the room. I get demon-splashed, occasionally.”
“Demon-splashed?”
“Yes. Remember that time she peed her initials in my bedroom carpet?”
“OK, that was bad. But that was a long time ago.”
“She has not improved, Mother. She just stopped signing her name in pee. She still thinks her pee initials all over everything that is mine.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it, Mother? She is like a small demon dog. I like this . . . pee . . . now it’s mine! I like this . . . pee . . . now it’s mine! I want this . . . pee . . . now it’s mine.”
“Kallan is not peeing on your belongings.”
“Invisible demon-dog pee, Mother. If you were worthy and intelligent? You would be able to read the invisible messages. I am so sad for you, Mother. So sad that you are not worthy and intelligent.”
“Wait! Are you Emperor’s New Clothing me?”
“Mother? You are perhaps a tiny bit smarter than I thought.”
“Hey, Maj? Thank you, babe.”
“That was not a huge compliment, Mother.”
“No, I mean I wrote a post. Thank you for your help.”
“No problem, Mother. You were making it harder than it has to be.”
Duh.
Demon splashed.
That explains many things. In my own house.
I must google demon splash cleansing.
Renee -
It actually explains many things in our house as well.
This is the first I have heard of the demon splashing.
Life suddenly makes much more sense.
Silly Maj.
I would so read it if it was called Blank Post!
Ooooo I am all second posty up in here! Maybe I should be like Kallan and pee my initials on the first comment space to make it mine? Hmmm.
Yes! Do it! Make it yours!
*watches to see how it’s done*
You guys are so silly!
I will have to tell the story of how Maj and Kallan save our parking spaces. Snort!
It’s way funny.
Dear Maj,
You should have your own blog.
Seriously.
-Me
Abigail -
She so should. Except I think she would talk a lot of shit about me. Hmmm. So maybe not.
Ahem.
HA!
Pee splashing demon Kallan should so get a turn….
Maj is pretty good, can Kallan top that?
Tune it tomorrow or next week to see
heeeee
that is not all
Kalla was off at a birthday party today, and so Maj got the opportunity to speak uninterrupted.
Uninterrupted and un-peed upon.
Snort!
I am sure Kallan will get her chance.
She always does.
Kallan! Stop peeing on my leg!
I hope Kallan gets over this need to pee on things she likes. Not sure the boys will like it.
And ” you are perhaps a tiny bit smarter than I thought?” Are you sure she is not a teen yet????
So funny. I was laughing all over the place. I’m guessing Maj wasn’t actually trying to be funny. Lol. Always great when she discusses Kallan.
Even when you have blank to say, it is good :)
Fairly sure that there are men who enjoy being peed on. R kelley wrote a song about it, I think.
ACK!
Double ACK!
ACK ACK ACK!
(tripled, in case you missed that part)
Lizzie -
Maj is a teenager in her heart and in her mind, no matter what the calendar says. And Maj thought the end result was very funny, but along the way? No, she did not intend for it to be funny.
She kills me.
Here’s Maj’s problem. She is just so easy to mess with. She’s so serious. The slightest hint of peeing on her belongings would send her into a tizzy of hysteria. And that is fun to watch for us hornet’s nest pokey people. Hehehe
However? She may be slightly geniusy in her hysterical tizzy. Perhaps.
Ms. WTH -
Kalllan really did pee her initials in Maj’s carpet one time. She really did. Maj has reason to believe such a thing might happen again. Once KW appears in big block urine letters on your floor?
You remember.
And Maj? Is more than slightly geniusy.
She is amazing.
Happy sighs.
I think I would love to see a post dedicated to the time when Kallan peed in Maj’s bedroom. I am trying to imagine the hysterical fit that Maj must’ve had, but I can imagine it so much better (and it’s much funnier) when you tell us about it.
Question that will seem ridiculously random: You mentioned awhile back that Mark was an engineer. What kind of engineer is he? If you don’t mind saying, that is.
Sierra -
I believe I mentioned this once in a guest post I did one time about the difficulties I had potty-training Kallan.
I will have to go back and check whether I told the whole story or not. Hmmm.
As for what sort of engineer Mark is?
His undergraduate degree is in Electrical Engineering.
He has moved on since then, but that’s his undergraduate degree.
That guest post I mentioned is here:
http://www.chillmamachill.com/done-with-that-maternally-insane-week/
I would like to know how it is that Kallan managed to pee initials! I never could manage to do that since I’m missing the boy parts necessary to maneuver. Or something like that.
More randomness? I call Darling Girl “babe” all the time and I’m wondering if I got it from you.
Finally, this was hilarious. I’m sure Maj didn’t mean for it to be though.
Amy -
She just stood with legs spread and made the necessary small steps. Gravity did the work. It was pretty fucking amazing. And way fucking irritating.
She was a joy to potty-train.
A joy.
Kris,
I mean, how hard can this writing thing be?
Nice one.
Slam.
Bill
Bill -
I know, right?
Sigh.
Thank you.
Kris
How long exactly before Maj actually takes over the blog, and we have to send in a search party?
She’s pretty freaking brilliant, huh?
Maj is brilliant.
She is not inclined to take over the blog, because she sees how much time I spend on it. She has other things to do. Other more interesting things to do.
If I ever start talking a lot of shit about myself?
That may be Maj typing.
Watch for that.
I was going to do the petty snark today. Just to show you I could.
But I don’t want to do that now, because it would be discourteous to Maj, who does not have the petty snark context.
So that’s not fair.
I will save my petty snarkness for another time.
And I have had many bosses who had to pee on things.
Invisible boss pee. To mark their contribution.
It DOES exist.
Lori -
You can do petty snark! Maj totally gets snark, even if she doesn’t have the context of our conversation. And me? I love petty snark.
As you know.
And invisible boss pee?
That sooooo exists.
I have smelled it and wrung it from my clothing.
It so exists.
I’m going to butt in here to say that Invisible Boss Pee might be the catchphrase that gets me through the current phase of awful at Awful Family Inc.
They excel at IBP.
Cameron -
Snort!
I so want to hear you use that acronym in front of them.
Oh, what’s this on my leg? A little IBP.
Hee hee!
HAHAHAHA! Eew. Now I have a mental image of Kallan crab-walking around the room while trying to pee her initials into the rug. Scuttle, stop, pee whilst scuttling, stop again, pee more. OMG! Unless she was all geniusy and peed into a cup and then poured it out onto the rug? Aacckk! No kid’s that smart.
Maybe that’s where the term “scuttlebutt” comes from. *LOL Ooops, sorry! (Shakes head in amazement at the stuff kids do.)
Hey, wasn’t that a variation on the Tom Sawyer paint-the-fence trick that you used?
She did not pee into a cup, although that would indeed have been genius.
Nope, she just stood and peed, moving slightly to form her letters.
I know because she proudly demonstrated how she had done the deed.
Sigh.
And yes!
I needed Maj’s help today . . . so I convinced her it was all sorts of fun to help me write a blog post.
Shhhh.
I have two girls too, I am sure they do not talk in this fashion :)
Nicole -
You are sure about your girls?
Because I am sure about mine.
And they talk?
In this fashion.
They really do.
Me
Peeing your initials into carpeting would take some skill.
Although I wouldn’t know. Never tried it myself.
Something to try this weekend, maybe?
Nah.
Probably not.
Snort!
Stasha -
Kallan was much younger at the time, and it was not one of my finer parenting moments. Swearing may have been involved. Kallan drove me INSANE during her potty-training years.
Yes . . . I said years.
Read the guest post I linked above.
A nightmare.
Oh… My… God…
I can not even imagine…
I had a hell of a time getting Kaylee to poo in the potty.
It was a standoff between her and I.
I would sit her on the potty when I knew she had to poo and she would sit there and stare at me.
I would make her sit there forever.
I remember once telling her that I had no plans and could wait all day and that she would not get up off the potty until she went poo.
Yeah that didn’t end well…
Other than poo issues? Potty training was a breeze.
Heh.
Maj was a dream.
I so thought I knew what to expect with Kallan.
Kallan was a dream of a different sort.
The horrific nightmare sort.
Yeah.
Good times.
I think the bond between sisters is inherently demon splashed.
Amy -
It so is . . . at least at our house.
It so is.