Urban Dictionary (which is where I go for all of my erudite linguistic quests) defines “psychophant” this way:
Psychophant: A fan who is so over the top in her adoration that she comes across as an obsessed delusional lunatic, willing to endorse the object of her obsession to a psychotic and violent degree.
That . . . is . . . awesome.
That’s what I want.
Yay!
So now, without further ado, I present . . .
Leah Mucilli!
Pretty All True’s
Psychophant of the Month!
Isn’t she gorgeous? Doesn’t she look like she could kick your ass?
Swoon!
I am not going to repeat all of the details of the whole “Kris is taking over the blogging world and she needs to build a Facebook Army” plan.
KITOTBWASSNTBAFA for short.
Shorter version? Leah will be working to add 60 Facebook fans to Pretty All True’s fan page in exchange for the placement of a link here on Pretty All True.
Actually, because Leah is my very first Psychophant?
I am spotting her the first 10. I just checked Pretty All True’s fan page, and I am at 610 fans. So Leah will be working to bring that number to 660. As soon as we reach 660? I will put up Leah’s link for the rest of the month.
Yay, Leah!
People? Help Leah.
I command it.
OK, that was the part where I have a psychophant.
Here is the part where I become a psychophant.
And no, this part has nothing to do with Nigel. Hush.
When I announced KITOTBWASSNTBAFA, I got a message on my Facebook fan page from a man named Phil Torcivia. Phil said he was a new fan of my blog, and that I had made him laugh. He announced that he had 24,000 Facebook followers, and that he had recommended me to them.
Always nice to get a recommendation.
Wait.
Did he just say he has 24,000 Facebook followers?
Oh my god.
So I waited for the flood of new fans!
Tappity fingers of impatience.
Hmmmm.
There was some dampness, don’t get me wrong. And I am a big fan of dampness, as you know. But there was no flood.
Phil is not as bossy about my fabulousness as I would like him to be.
So I have decided to become obsessed with Phil.
I am Phil’s new psychophant!
Phil is going to love me or pay the consequences.
Alright, I have done exhaustive research on Phil, and here is what I know so far:
1) He claims to write “humorous essays about love, dating, and romance.”
2) He has published several books that I have not read.
3) He has a penis named Willy.
4) He is strangely fond of spiders.
5) He drinks a lot of wine.
6) He apparently uses a chess timer during oral sex.
7) His first name is Phil.
8) Plus also? He is annoyed by redundancies.
OK, so maybe my research hasn’t been exhaustive.
But the awesome part about being a psychophant?
I am not actually required to stay in touch with reality. Fuck reality.
So . . . let’s see . . .
Phil and I are having a beer last night, and he leans across the table to whisper in my ear, “Don’t tell my 24,000+ other fans, but I have been waiting for you to come into my life. I love you, but I can’t let the others know that I have a new favorite. I want to help you rule the world! I want us to be together forever, but I have a reputation as a man-slut to protect. So you play the role of crazed stalker, and I will fend you off not at all.”
I reach to caress his cheek with my fingertips, “I can so fucking do that for you. Plus also? I am way fond of this whole three-days’ growth thing you’ve got going on.”
He laughs, “That’s the Viagra talking, baby.”
I smile a secret smile (shut up, people . . . I have secrets) and glance a bit lower, “You going to take care of the tip?”
He grabs the check and speaks meaningfully, “Oh, I’ll take care of more than the tip.”
And then we go into the alleyway behind the bar and have hot passionate sex which I would describe in great detail except for the troublesome part where I scream a bit too loudly of the ecstasy that is Phil and then someone calls the police and then there are lights and sirens and explanations offered and how do you completely lose a pair of pants, anyway?
So we won’t go there.
As I am being led away in handcuffs, Phil reaches into his pocket and pulls out a business card that reads: Such a Nice Guy . . . Phil Torcivia.
I have no pockets (seriously, how do you lose a pair of pants?), so he shoves the card between my teeth.
His eyes meet mine pleadingly, “Call me!”
I agree, “Mmmph huuhhhh.”
I hold onto that card for as long as I can, hold it clenched between my teeth.
Only guess what?
It turns out in jail? Sometimes, an unclenching of one’s teeth is required.
Ahem.
So I lost the card.
OK, people? Mark just read this over my shoulder and he is all, “What the fuck are you doing?”
Ahem.
I explain, “I am networking socially! I am building an empire!”
He laughs, “By fucking someone in an alley?” He reads more closely, “This guy’s name is Phil? Are you going to tell people that’s also your father-in-law’s name?”
Ack! I didn’t even think about that.
I skim what I have written . . . Oh lord . . . I scream a bit too loudly at the ecstasy that is Phil?
Ewwwww.
Mark is laughing, “I am so telling my dad to read this post.”
“Shut up.”
People? Make a note.
Phil who is not my father-in-law needs a new cool name.
Suggestions?
Plus also?
I am completely sane!
Completely!
Phil?
Be in touch.
And I thought the Penis Light post left me speechless.
Oh, I do like speechless.
Mark is also speechless.
Also awesome.
Oh you and your empire. You amuse me.
Hee hee!
I am all giggly.
Send Phil my way please.
Sexy Phil. Not your father in law.
OK, I feel obliged to say that my father-in-law is way sexy if you are not related to him.
But Phil Torcivia?
Agreed.
Way hot and no relation!
Perfection!
OK, and now I feel obliged to say that if you are related to my father-in-law Phil because you are his wife?
Then . . . way sexy.
Ack.
See why Phil who is not my father-in-law needs a new name?
hmm new name.. James.. Peter… Paul.. anything but Phil. This is hilarious and I am ever so glad that you were not referring to you FIL
Angel -
What about his last name?
I could call him Torcivia.
Torque for short.
Oooooh . . . I like that.
Torque is a way cool nickname.
Way.
Yes, Torque is growing on me.
What?
Kris,
Important news, so if I screwed up the html below, use your wits woman.
Facebook Page Leaderboard shows the most popular (as chosen by FB fans) living human (they must use this term loosely) is Lady Gaga, who you know how much I love. Ack.
But since she has 27,388,251 fans and is adding 39,823 per day…
If you will go all pantsless in an alley for a Phil with 24,000 FB fans, I cringe at the thought of your epic sluttiness if Gaga offers to do you at the Super Bowl. Doritos and Blimps optional.
Spongebob is 28th on the FB Leaderboard, so you might also stalk him. You will need pants; make sure they are square.
I will never forgive you if you go near Justin Bieber who, though he’s much shorter than Spongebob and nearly as porous, is 15th on the FB list with almost 20 million really stupid followers.
If we hear that someone broke into Phil’s house and boiled his pet rabbit, we will assume your stalking is unrequited. Gaga would probably enjoy having her rabbit boiled. Ack.
Bill
Bill -
I just want to be clear that if any of these people you have mentioned reached out to me as Phil did?
I would be slutty as hell for any of them.
SpongeBob? You kidding me?
Way hot.
Justin Bieber has 20 million followers?
I will so do the Bieber (which sounds like Beaver, and has made me giggle).
Lady Gaga?
I’ll do her for a bag of those Doritos you mentioned. You kidding me? HOT!
Phil has kitty-cats, not rabbits (don’t ask me how I know this).
And you know how I feel about Actual Cats.
Meow.
Having now heard from Justin Bieber and his mom?
I have done some research and discovered that Mr. Bieber is, in fact, only 16 years old.
!!!!!!!!
Only cookies and milk for him.
Ack.
LOL!! now i want to go find Phil and friend him, even though i don’t friend people who i don’t really know usually. LOL…..24,000 friends?? that right there is your empire lady!
plus, you are insane. and i love it!
Sarah -
You should so go check him out. He is funny! And also way hot.
Seriously.
Go see.
While you are there?
Do not tell him of my plans to steal his empire.
Shhhhh.
A few brief points to my loud back-alley lover:
1. I fancy your sycophancy.
2. I apologize for conveniently misinterpreting the dampness metaphor as well as for the building of my arc in anticipation of the flood.
3. I do love you and would rather not pay, since I’m close to my credit limit and police tend to frown on such a thing (unless, of course, they are the ones paying).
4. I am not fond of spiders; however, my roommates (Syd & Symon) are very fond of spiders … dead ones. When I find spiders they typically resemble that creature from Alien after it was ripped from the face of a host. Not pretty. Really.
5. Rumors of my sluttiness have been greatly exaggerated … by me, mostly.
6. Can I keep your pants, please? Kind of a trophy thing related to the previous point. They look lovely next to the towel rack.
7. Ask Mark if he would prefer we bond next to a pond, instead of rallying in an alley. (Also ask him not to punch me.)
8. Your father-in-law’s parents have wonderful taste. I’m going to name my first spawn DeLaPhil. (An NFL trend.)
9. I’d love to meet you for a beer (or wine). Mark is not allowed to come unless he brings bar nuts and a tripod.
10. Sorry to hear about your sanity. I can help with that also.
11. Snort!
Phil
Phil who now goes by Torque in my fantasies . . .
1) I am so pleased that the recent knock on my door was a UPS guy and not a TRO guy. Whew.
2) Why on earth would you need an ark? Go with the flow, babe.
3) Rats. If you would agree to pay? It would make this whole blogging-whore thing a much more profitable enterprise.
4) I do not know why you now deny your love of spiders. Small furry multi-legged creatures of poisonous doom? Swoon!
5) Yes, well. I spread . . . rumors . . . as well.
6) You may keep the pants. I have a lovely jail pantsuit with which to remember the evening.
7) Mark is fine with the pond and suggests a table if you’re able. He is all Dr. Seussy over here.
8) You have tasted Mark’s grandparents?
9) Mark says he is always a tripod. Wait . . . he brings a tripod. Wait . . . what?
10) This is how I always am. I am the most sane person I know.
11) Snort!
Kris
Omg! You are seriously crazy! I like you. I really needed a good laugh today, tomorrow? No more tears, sadness or BS. I’m done. Parasite, rot in hell. (God, please let it all get better!) I’ll be back, my life needs your humor! Thanks for this post! :)
Wanda -
Whatever the fuck you are talking about?
Yes, be done with all that shit.
Laughing is way better.
Way.
Awesomeness!
Ok. I left a reply a while ago. I was told it posted.
I can’t even repost cause it was over an hour ago and I forgot what I wrote.
But it was good.
And this comment that posted? Gave me that comment failed message.
I’m sure there is a conspiracy theory here.
Somewhere.
TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID!
GET BACK HERE AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID!
You know you remember what you said.
Hmmph.
Well I might of fibbed about it being really good, but it went something like this:
My favorite part is Mark reading over your shoulder. And reminding you that your father-in-law’s name is Phil. And that he is so going to tell him to read this.
Phil not your father-in-law should appreciate your efforts.
And I’m sure Nigel will understand.”
See. So not worth remembering.
Renee -
Mark is a little alarmed at my take on “Social Networking,” but he is always pleased when I make new friends.
Snort!
I have not yet heard from my father-in-law. Mark may be bluffing. Shhhh.
And Nigel?
Nigel knows he is special.
Nigel has no worries at all.
Kris
This is so great! Like one of those dirty books made for women who are too ashamed they like porn.
MORE Dr. Suess like …encounters
Mark sure is obliging.
IS Phil dark hair and dark eyes variety? My personal fav.
I just saw a picture of Ian and he is smokin hot!?!
My mind cannot stay on one subject..
ACK
that is all
Amy -
Yay for nursery-rhyming porn sex with Thing One and Thing Two!
What?
Mark and I have been married forever . . . he gets me.
He thinks I am hilarious.
I don’t believe I have ever seen a photo of Ian. I try to avoid photos whenever possible. I prefer fantasy.
But Phil who is now Torque?
Way hot.
Photo on his Facebook page he claims is of him.
Way hot.
You are crazy woman! I so Love this!!!
Yay!
I am crazy.
Mark is all aswoon.
Hee hee!
I love you.
Sane or not.
Cold or hot.
With pants on.
With pants off.
I would do you on a table.
I would do you if I was able.
snort…
And I love you.
We can hug.
On a rug.
And undress.
Make a mess.
I would do you anywhere.
Anywhere that you would dare.
Oooh . . . in a truck!
Snort.
You would hug me?
OOOOOHHHHH…
I am all shivery with dampness over here.
You love me – you really love me!
I do.
I really do.
Heh. I see why you like Phil. I checked him out, as you instructed…because I simply do anything you tell me.
anything
How’s that for sycophant?? Ha.
Also? I find the department of redundancy department amusing. Always.
Anything?
Really?
Making a note.
That is very good to know.
Yay!
If 610 gets an award – what about 666? You can’t let that one go by… 69 followers got a comment…
I like the Dr Seuss references. Intrigues me that they can turn to porn references in the blink of an eye. It’s like Joey from friends making any phrase pornish (I know, not a word but it deserves to be one I think, don’t you?) it’s a good skill. I can make paragraphs pornish but not phrases, I have to work on that.
M
666 is lovely.
669 also captures my imagination.
Happy imaginative sighs.
As for the pornishness?
One fuck
Two fuck
Three fuck
Four
Blue fuck
Tired fuck
Ouch.
No more.
I am slightly pissed I was not chosen first to be your psycho whatever. I am too angry to go properly look at the word to spell it right. So hmph. Even still I love you and will continue to vote for you until you finally see I am really your #1 fan. By the way, I think I found your pants.
Amy –
You are all angry and pissed and revengeful?
Ooooh . . . I might have underestimated you!
And if you have my pants, you are with Torque (aka Phil)!
Tell him I said hello!
Swoon!
I totally underestimated you!