Quondam

February 2011
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Rhino ass-fat

Did you check out the new Featured Blogger?

Only one this time . . . Haven.

If you have not already done so, check out the post I put up about her this morning.

Click!

We ate lunch at Taco Bell.

Taco Bell always reminds me of being pregnant.  I was ravenous for Taco Bell when I was pregnant.  Every time, I ordered the same thing . . . two bean and cheese burritos with lots of hot sauce.

There was a stretch in my early pregnancy with Maj in which I ate at Taco Bell every chance I could.

That’s back when I was a vegetarian.  All healthy.

Shut the fuck up.  Taco Bell bean burritos are healthy and 100% vegetarian.  Do not leave me comments about how the cheese in the burrito is actually solidified rhino ass-fat dyed orange.  I do not want to hear about it.

Anyway, I was a vegetarian and I was pregnant with Maj and then I had a psychotic break and then I ate meat again.

What?

Right before Christmas.  Let’s see . . . that makes me about four months pregnant.

I am a crazy pregnant person.

Mark and I are out looking for a Christmas tree.

We have been looking for a Christmas tree for about four hours.  I have made Mark drive me to about ten different Christmas tree lots, and I have rejected every single tree in every single lot.  I have cried spectacularly at every single lot.

We have attracted a lot of attention.

Mark is tired of me but he is also determined to make me happy, so he drives me to Christmas tree lot number eleven.

We must get the tree today or Christmas will be ruined!

I climb from the car, all puffy-faced with tears and pregnancy.  Pants unzipped because I have not yet transitioned to maternity pants.  Snorty with snot and gulping back sobs of frustration.

So cute, people.  So cute.

We walk through the lot together.

A more motley and unacceptable bunch of trees I have never seen.  My tree is not here.  I will never find my tree.

I am overwhelmed with the injustice of it all.

I slump against Mark and weep into his chest . . .

“I will never find my tree and Christmas will be ruined and the baby will be able to sense my unhappiness with the crap tree and the poison of my unhappiness will flow through my body and into the baby and the baby will be ruined!”

Mark pats me on the shoulder and says nothing.

“She will be born without ears . . . or perhaps without a nose . . . I need to find the perfect tree!  Do you want our baby to be missing a nose?”

Mark makes hushing noises and hugs me close.

“Everything needs to be perfect or she will be ruined!  And now I am ruining her as I stand here and weep about the tree that I cannot find.  How can I be someone’s mother?  How did you let me do this?  We are doomed.  The baby is doomed!”

Mark whispers into my ear, “Nothing is ruined.  We are not doomed.”

“Where is the perfect tree?  Find it! Where is it? Find me the perfect tree so that we can be a regular family!”

Mark giggles, “I think the regular family ship has sailed, babe.”

I am enraged, “Fuck you!  We are going to be a regular family!  Fuck you!  Oh my god . . . how did I agree to let you be the father of this baby?  FUCK YOU!”

Mark pulls his keys from his pocket and guides me back to the car, “Kris, when was the last time you ate?”

I am yelling crazily, “You are going to suck as a father!  What was I thinking?  You can’t even find a Christmas tree!  I cannot breathe.  I . . . cannot . . . breathe.  Wait . . . what did you say?”

“You get weird when you haven’t eaten.  It’s past time for lunch.  Did you eat breakfast?”

“What?  No . . . I was in a hurry to get going.  Oh my god!  I am starving!”

Mark speaks soothingly, “So we’ll get some food and we’ll try again.  Taco Bell?”

I am all thoughtful, “I am sick of Taco Bell.  You know what I want?”

I point across the freeway at an In-N-Out sign, “I want that.  I want a cheeseburger.  Fuck the vegetarian thing.  I want a cheeseburger.”

Mark laughs, “You sure?”

I think for a moment, and you know what?  I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life.  I want a cheeseburger so badly that I would be willing to walk out into the field and cheese-grate my hamburger meat right off of a living cow’s ass.  I want to bite chunks right out of the cow’s side.  I want to lick a cow.

I want to eat a cow.

With cheese.

So we go to In-N-Out . . . the best meal I have ever ever eaten.

I stuff my face with cheesy meaty goodness.  My pants unzipped, my face swollen and red and tear-streaked, my area of the table strewn with snot-covered napkins, my bladder possibly leaking a tiny bit with each loud blowing of my nose.

So cute.

Oh my god.

So yummy.

Orgasmic gluttony.

So that is the end of a rather long stretch of vegetarianism.

We finish our meal and we climb back into our car.

Mark turns to me, “OK, so where are we headed next?”

“You know what?  Go back to the place we just left.”

So he does.

And five minutes later, we have the perfect tree!

Yay!

Today?  We are eating lunch at Taco Bell.

I am feeling pregnant and nostalgic . . . I wander off in my mind for a moment . . . away from my family.

When I focus again, I hear Mark speaking authoritatively to the girls as he holds a plastic utensil in the air, “And that?  Is the story of how Taco Bell invented the spork.”

Wait . . . what?

The girls are looking at him dubiously.

Maj takes a bite of her food, “Is that true, Daddy?”

Mark puts his arm around me, “Pretty all true.”

Hee hee!

I rest my head on his shoulder.

I am so lucky to have this man.

    101 comments to Rhino ass-fat

    • Kris,

      Stampedes are caused by people like you.

      Bill

    • Hee hee. Crazy pregnant makes me laugh every time.
      During my first one, I chased my husband out of the house with a large knife for pudding. Well, he did have it coming. I sent him to the store for pudding. ONLY pudding. He came back with two bags of stuff. No pudding. I was really just hanging on during the entire time he was gone at the store. Hanging by a thread of slight nausea, hunger, faintness, and longing. I couldn’t fathom that there was no pudding. His life was in real danger. He responded accordingly. I got the pudding.

      • Carrie -

        I was not a good pregnant woman. I was a nightmare. Pregnancy was a nightmare and I was a nightmare.

        But I never threatened Mark with a knife over missing pudding!

        I am so going to make Mark read your comment so that he can appreciate how lucky he is!

        Yay!

    • Kris,

      Addition thought…

      Cows get all nervous-like when people start cheese-grating their hamburger meat right off their ass.

      I’m from Oklahoma. Trust me on this.

      Bill

      • Bill -

        I had crazy pregnant strength and determination.

        Plus, I was hormonal and completely insane.

        If I had been handed a cheese-grater?

        I’m pretty sure I could have made the cow give me access to her ass.

        What?

        Kris

    • I got nothin’. I’ve never been pregnant. We have a fake tree so I’ve never done the “looking for the perfect tree” thing. And sorry but I think Taco Bell sucks ass. I did laugh a whole lot at the post though. Yeah OK so I was lauging at your pain…it was still pretty freakin’ funny ;-)

    • Sarah Phillips

      oh, kris….i was a HUGELY crazy pregnant lady….as in, hugely crazy and just plain H-U-G-E!!! your story made me laugh, and also made me so happy we’re done having kids so that hurricane force of hormones won’t ever slap me upside the head again!

    • I craved Frosty’s from Wendy’s when I was preggy.

      And I hate Frosty’s. Hate them.

      But the whole time I was pregnant? Could not get enough of them.

      And something that I loved that made me gag/puke every.single.time?

      Pizza. Loved pizza before I got pregnant. Could not stand the sight of pizza the whole 9 months.

      • Stasha -

        After Maj was born and before it all went to shit? Ahem.

        Anyway, I had craving for vanilla shakes from Burger King. Every day, I would bundle Maj up and put her in the car and drive us to Burger King. Drive-thru for one vanilla shake.

        Happy yummy sighs at the memory.

        Oh, and now I want a vanilla shake.

        Hmmmph.

    • Amy

      I know so many vegetarian women who succumbed to the fast food burger pregnancy monster! Chicken nuggets were the only food I didn’t throw up while pregnant. If I didn’t remember throwing up 4 times a day from 3 weeks to 37 weeks pregnant I’d wonder how I only gained 19 lbs. Can’t wait to do it all again! Next month!

      • Amy -

        I have talked to other women who gave in to a meat craving during what was supposed to be a vegetarian pregnancy.

        I can still remember the urgency of that craving for a cheeseburger.

        It was so yummy. So worth it.

        Fuck vegetarianism.

        Ahem.

    • I don’t know if you know or not but I am newly pregnant and in the throws of terrible nasuea. I definitely just sent my husband to taco bell. He doesn’t understand that the only way to combat this awful going to throw up every second feeling by eating…but he went without saying a word.

      • Mandie -

        I never threw up during either pregnancy, but I was naauseated all the time.

        All the time.

        Food was required.

        I gained a LOT of weight when I was pregnant with Kallan.

        A lot of eating was required to combat the nausea.

        Yeah.

    • How much do I love this story? Love you hugely pregnant and food-starved psycho, and love that man, Mark for his calmness, kindness in the face of preggo-psycho you. Sigh.

      I connect to this on so many levels.

      I was a vegetarian for 12 years. One day I was in a pub with a friend who was having a juicy cheeseburger and I suddenly wanted a bite more than I had ever wanted anything before in my life. I would have clawed her face off if she had refused to share that damn burger with me. Never looked back.

      Also, when I was about 4 months pregnant with the twins I took my last business trip to LA. Husband came with me to both do his own business & take care of me. We arrived late afternoon. It took MUCH longer to get the rental car straightened out than we’d planned, and then it turned out that our hotel? No restaurant for dinner.

      We were directed to the place across the street. At this point I was a ravenous, crazy pregnant-with-twins starving lady. There was a wait for a table. The service was molasses slow.

      At the table next to us was a couple paying their bill, clearly done with dinner. And their basket of cornbread? Untouched. Yes, I swiped it. I ate left behind food off a stranger’s table in a restaurant. I had turned all She-Hulk: MUST. FEED. BABIES.

      And husband, who normally would have been mortified by such uncouth behavior didn’t bat an eye. Also? He very gallantly manhandled a waiter into taking our order pronto and putting it in as a rush. Possibly because he saw I was eyeing the half a steak about to be left behind on the table to our other side.

      • Varda -

        You would have clawed your friend’s face off if she had refused to share her burger with you? YES! That’s how strong this craving was. YES. Happy sighs that you understand.

        And when I was pregnant? I had food issues . . . as in, I could not go very long without eating or I freaked all the fuck out.

        ALL THE FUCK OUT.

        I so would have eaten those fries.

        I so would have.

        I LOVE YOU.

        That is all.

    • I have never been a vegetarian.
      I did crave tomatoes with Italian dressing when I was pregnant.
      I love Taco Bell. They used to have a wonderful thing called the enchirito. They don’t have that anymore. For eons.

      And? I know about that menopause thing.
      If only the hot flashes were on demand.
      That? Would awesome.

      • Renee -

        The menopause thing is creeping up on me in annoying fashion.

        Mark is going to LOVE this next stage of our lives together!

        Yay!

        Yeah . . . I am going to be insane.

        Sigh.

    • This reminds me of the break down Maj had at the Christmas Tree lot when she could not find the right tree….am I remembering this correctly?

      maybe not?

      Mmmmmm Rhino ass fat cheese–yummy

      Why did you have to bring up menopause? That should be illegal!!

      now I am scared.

      that is all

      • Amy -

        Maj is a lot like me . . . I have so mentioned that.

        Hee hee!

        And I bring up menopause because it is soon to be a part of my life. You may be hearing more about it if the menopausal spirit moves me. I am going to be 45 in just a few weeks, you know.

        Yay!

        I am awesome.

        Mark is so lucky.

    • I am not even pregnant and I get all crazy bitch when it’s time (or passed time) to eat.

      Cort just pats my head now and says, “let’s get you a junior bacon cheeseburger, huh?”

      yeah.

    • “Orgasmic” and “gluttony” are two of my favorite words of all time – the fact you put them together make me want to lick you… and a cow, but that I do on a daily basis anyway (metaphorically, of course) lol.

    • SO CUTE!!!!

      Really.

      I suppose this explains why Maj is the way she is, even though she does have a nose ;)

    • Crazy, hungry pregnant women are scary. With my last, I had a complete and total meltdown over the lack of Spaghetti O’s in the house. I was nauseous and the only thing I wanted was some damn Spaghetti O’s. My husband and both son’s sat & watched me flip out b/c there weren’t any. They watched & laughed. Joe offered to go to the store which only made me cry harder b/c he was being nice.

      As a side-note, if at any time I mentioned wanting Taco Bell- the hubs accomodated me. Silly men.

      • Natalie -

        Mark has never been sweeter and more accommodating than he was during my two pregnancies.

        I was insane, and I required many accommodations.

        I so did.