People! Come visit me over at Tracie’s house. I am guest-posting over there today. Yay!
Tracie’s blog is From Tracie. My post is entitled Stone’s Refusal.
Go read. Thank you!
Back here?
We are headed to a party at a community center down in Salem. Swimming and rock climbing are on the agenda. We pull off the freeway and drive the last mile or so . . . our destination is visible long before we arrive.
Kallan peers incredulously out of the car window at the huge complex before us, “I thought you said the Salvation Army was all about helping poor people!”
I laugh, “What? It is.”
Kallan points to the sign on the monstrous brick-facaded building in front of us . . . The Kroc Salvation Army Corps Community Center, “I thought the Salvation Army was about thrift stores and free meals and helping homeless people. So how did the city of Salem convince the Salvation Army to build them all this loveliness?”
“Hmmmm. Not sure.”
“I want that phone number!”
Kallan pretends to talk into the phone, “Hello, Salvation Army? This is Kallan. I am poor and I need a rock-climbing wall and an indoor pool. Yes. And could you make sure the pool has a big water slide? Yes, because I am poor and I need an indoor water slide.”
The Kroc Salvation Army Corps Community Center has these things, by the way.
“I’m sure the community center is designed to help people, Kallan.”
“Help them swim, Mom? Help them harness-up and climb a wall?” Kallan grabs the flyer from my hand, “This place is huge! They have a theater and a workout center and a library and a basketball court! If I was a homeless person, this would annoy me.”
What is there to say to that? She has a point.
Kallan leans as far forward as her seatbelt will allow, “Mom? You would tell me if there was a way to ask the Salvation Army for a rock-climbing wall and a pool and a water slide, right?”
I turn, “Silly you. I suppose now you’ll be telling me I should have mentioned that free pony thing they were doing a while back.”
Kallan eyes me suspiciously.
Maj is suddenly all excited, “Turn it up! Turn it up! This is that commercial I was telling you about!”
And then we are listening to a commercial for Sara Lee Bread. I can’t find the commercial on the internet, but the gist of it is that a mother has memorized her children’s various sandwich bread needs. Joanie wants peanut butter on Soft and Smooth white. Johnny wants ham and cheese on Soft and Smooth wheat. And little Emma wants jelly and cream cheese on one slice of each kind of Soft and Smooth.
I turn to Maj, “The name of the bread is Soft and Smooth?”
She is all giggles, “I know, right?”
Kallan is curious, “So what?”
I laugh, “I don’t know. It seems like a weird name for bread. It sounds like poo. Like a perfect poo.”
Maj agrees, “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!”
Kallan laughs hysterically, “You mean if someone were to ask you . . . How is your poo today?”
I finish her thought, “Exactly! I would say . . . My poo is perfect, thank you. It is soft and smooth.”
Maj giggles, “Don’t ever buy that bread, Mother. I will not be able to eat a slice of Soft and Smooth.”
And then Maj and Kallan and I are all laughing and shouting over one another, a commercial of our own . . .
Mom, our poo just isn’t the best it can be. It’s all chunky and hard. Plus? We’re hungry! Help us!
Here, daughters . . . have these sandwiches made on two slices of whole wheat soft and smooth. It’s good for what ails you.
Yum! This is delicious! The bread is so soft and smooth!
Yes, we can already get a sense of the poo loveliness to come! Thank you, dear Mother!
No problem, daughters. Anything to help. You know I like to keep you soft and smooth.
Come, sister! We must tell everyone of this sandwich poo miracle!
Mark swings the car into a parking space, “This whole family is insane. The three of you, anyway.”
Maj leans forward, “Don’t be cranky, Daddy. Maybe you’re just hungry. Can I interest you in some Soft and Smooth?”
And then Maj and Kallan and I giggle helplessly.
We climb out of the car and gather our belongings. We turn to walk into the community center. We walk past a gorgeous fountain through huge glass doors into a spacious lobby. There is a roaring fireplace and there are comfy chairs. There is a snack bar and a game room. We stand in line to check in and Kallan tugs on my arm, “Mom?”
I lean over to listen as she whispers in my ear, “Yes, babe?”
“Seriously, Mom? This place is awesome! Do the homeless people know about this place? Don’t they get mad? Don’t they want to know why they are still homeless while we are rock climbing and swimming?”
What is there to say to that?
She has a point.
Kallan tugs on my arm again, “Mom?”
“Yes?”
“You were just kidding about the free ponies, right?”
Snort!
I love Kallan.
Ah, poor Mark – in a car full of girls with only poop humor. LOL.
He loves us.
He doesn’t always GET us.
But he loves us.
She has a point. The homeless people should be living there.
Is this a new server? The mobile theme is different. Not any faster just different.
I was going to make a sandwich. But I think I’ll have soup instead.
Renee -
Although, if the homeless people were living there? It would not be quite as much fun to visit.
Ahem.
And I am no longer discussing technical issues of any sort.
It stresses me out. We are doing the best we can to address speed issues.
That is all.
Love you!
Me
What tech issues? I see no tech issues. All is well in here.
Love you too!
Yay!
Thank you.
Ahhhh
Two posts from you today
One very deep and soulful
One full of poo
Perfect mix of Kris!
that is all
Amy -
Wait. You changed the name of your blog? What the hell?
And thank you so much for your comment over there.
It always means so much to me that you head over to my guest posts and comment in such fabulous fashion.
Thank you.
oops no that was an accident, it is my son’s new blog….I just forgot I already had that on cut and paste..
It is my pleasure to go read where you direct.
Always a pleasure
that is all
Your son has a blog?
Another Ben unleashed on the internet?
Watch out, world.
no no it is my oldest son
Nathan–who is almost 21
He has a different writing style, I think school in the UK influenced that.
He just did his first post.
Ummm . . . Someone feels rather strongly about Radiohead.
Hee hee!
yeah
heee heee
kinda cute, but I hope he ventures into other topics
Amy -
Oh my god, though . . . Do you remember when you were young and there were those boys who just cared SO INTENSELY about a band?
Oh, I was always all swoony for a boy with an obsessive passion . . . always all hopeful that energy would be directed my way.
Not that I am swooning for your son. Ahem.
His post just takes me back.
It just speaks of a very specific time in one’s life.
HA!
yes I remember those boys….
I still have a an attraction for a guy with passion about some random thing that I know nothing about.
so yeah
Silly you.
You know what, though?
Passion is good.
Passion about anything at all . . . is very very good..
I can’t wait. I seriously cannot wait to have 2 kids who can talk lol! With my sarcasm rubbing off on them? It’s going to be so fucking funny lol.
Amy -
They can be such huge pains in the ass.
But they are also awesome.
So fucking funny and so awesome.
Thank you!
Soft and smooth. Hmm. Interesting choice indeed when describing bread. I can think of lots of other things that are soft and smooth. I don’t think I want anything to do with smooth bread, as a matter of fact. I don’t think smooth in an appropriate bread texture. We must put an end this madness at once!
Never mind the misappropriation of funds by the Salvation Army. That is not so soft. Somewhat smooth though…
Angela -
Yes! Who do we see about putting an end to this madness? Who has Sara Lee’s phone number?
And a bit of research reveals that Joan Kroc left The Salvation Army $1.5 billion to build just these sorts of community centers.
I will try to explain that fact to Kallan, but I think she is going to be puzzled.
$1.5 billion.
Wow.
I love this lighter-hearted, funny, not cranky, sassy Maj. Though she is brilliant in her sass, it’s nice to see a different side of her.
And I agree…Soft and Smooth…not such a good name for a food.
Poor Mark. Does he not have an appreciation for the finer things? Like poo humor?
Mary -
Maj can be very funny when she is not all pissed off about how we are failing her as a family. Ahem.
And Mark does appreciate poo humor . . . he would just like us to be quieter in the car sometimes.
Ahem.
We outnumber him by a lot of estrogen.
Hee hee!
Ah, yes. Estrogen. My dad could relate, as he is the father of two daughters, much like Mark. Except he’s the crazy one and we’re all perfectly normal. Ha!
Mary -
Mark is not perfectly normal.
He so is not.
Aww…that’s so funny. Kallan’s a pretty smart kid!! And, I love how you threw the pony thing in (I think I was reading about the pony wish in the archives yesterday!). Now, off to read your guest post!
Yes! I wrote a whole post about Kallan’s wish for ponies.
Poor pony-less Kallan.
And thank you for reading my guest post!
Yay!
I don’t know what part had me laughing harder the soft and smooth poo or Kallans concern over the homless peoples feelings. I love your girls they keep me laughing daily.
Becky -
Happy sighs at having made you laugh!
Yay!
Where the heck do they come up with these names? I mean, maybe for peanut butter. And what happens when the soft and smooth gets put in the toaster? Is it still soft or smooth? Or hard and crunchy?
Now I’m all confused. Poop!
And do the homeless get to sleep next to the rock wall at night? Or maybe they give them jobs at the center collecting cans in their shopping carts? Still confused.
Ok I will tell you. Sometimes when your site is slow? It’s not just your site. A lot of sites are slow. Too many people on the intertoobs maybe?
So don’t worry too much.
Lizzie -
Your points, as you raised them.
1) Bread should not be soft and smooth. Maybe just soft. But smooth? That’s icky. And what about toast? You are so right! What about toast??
2) I did not see a single homeless person anywhere near this community center. Just homed people having fun. Sigh.
3) Did you just tell me not to worry so much? DO YOU NOT KNOW ME AT ALL? Snort.
Love you.
You are right! What was I thinking?
*smacks forehead*
Worry. Worry a lot! Go for it.
It’s slow. It will be slow sometimes. And the new mobile site from Word Press? All kinds of annoying. More to worry about. And the smoothness of the bread? Yeah, why is it smooth? Bread isn’t smooth, is it???? It’s spongy. And yeasty. So you should worry about smooth bread. And the strange sounds coming from the upstairs in my house. Since it’s only me and the cats.
Ok is that enough? Or should we worry about the Army of Salvationy homeless people?
Yeah. I am being all smart-assy
:)
Oh hush.
There is much to worry about.
There so is.
Hush.
Oh my God. We eat that bread! Buddy has insisted upon the white soft and smooth. I don’t think I can eat it anymore.
BWHAHAHAAHAHA!
You eat Soft and Smooth?
I am mocking you.
Snicker.
Heh. In my current condition? I dream of soft ‘n’ smooth.
Also? We apparently do not care so much about our homeless over here in the mid-Atlantic. There are no rock walls or indoor swimming pools for them. Perhaps you could’ve told Maj & Kallan that this community center was only *for* homeless people & that you guys would have to appear homeless (by sight & smell, of course) before you could enjoy the attractions. hehehe
See? And you KNOW you are not dreaming about bread.
Snort!
Oh, if ONLY I had been able to convince the girls we had to play at being homeless to use the rock-climbing wall and the pool. Oh, that would have been fabulous. Kallan would have been thrilled.
Maj would have died.
DIED.
Hee hee.
can i move into that neighborhood? we don’t have a community center…..or a pony! ;)
Salem, Oregon.
It’s a lovely small town a little over an hour from Portland.
It has an amazing carousel down by the river (lots of excellent ponies).
And it has a kick-ass brand new community center.
Yay for Salem!
sounds lovely! too bad i will never leave my home town! ;) i’m as townie as they come!
It also has the country’s only permanent soapbox derby track.
Which means the girls and Mark hang out there quite bit.
I enjoy poo much more than blow jobs.
Poo I do.
Leighann -
OK, you do poo?
That sounds way nasty.
You know if I google sex plus poo, there will be horror, right?
Hold on . . . .
ACK!
Yes . . . horror.
I never google anything sexual!
I made this rule after the video tape scandal and blow Job dare of ’98
Now you know
Leighann -
But now I need to know . . . more.
Details, babe.
I need details.
*snort* They abruptly discontinued the free pony giveaway when too many clients wound up returning to Salvation Army centers after their horses had eaten them out of house and home. Whatever – Sparkleface is totally worth living in this shed.
What’s that saying?
If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.
Sparkleface — WAIT . . . Have you watched Portlandia?
Awesome show . . . there was a skit the other day about a woman who was in a band called Sparkle-Pony!
And then lovely dream sequences of her hanging out with her pony. Too weird to explain adequately.
Watch Portlandia!
That is all.
HA. Portlandia is awesome – I saw an episode or two a few weeks ago when I was visiting my parents’ cable.. I mean.. visiting my parents.
Love that show. Not all of it, but much of it.
The bookstore?
My favorite scenes are of that bookstore.
omg “Please don’t point, because whenever you point I see a penis”
Happy sighs.
I have used that line several times.
I love that show.
We are still fighting the plague over on my end so I’ve read all your recent post and your email, but haven’t had the appropriate time to sit down and respond.
Also?
My iTouch drowned tragically 2 weeks ago and I am a bit of a wreck without it….this makes being on the intertoobs a bit more challenging…I will be all commenty (and hopefully not unmeaningly sneaky about it) as soon as I can!
CJ -
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you guys have been sick. That is a huge bummer. I am over here knocking on all kinds of wood as I say that we have been lucky so far this year.
Yes . . . I know we are doomed now.
Sigh.
How exactly did your iTouch drown?
Hmmm.
It was sitting on the couch and my husband set a water bottle next to it…that tipped over (it wasn’t sealed properly) and spilled all over the iTouch… but he didn’t notice right away because he didn’t see the iTouch on the couch.
Until I screamed in horror, that is.
He feels terrible, and I feel like I’ve lost a limb. I loved that damn thing.
Now that Verizon has the iPhone, I’m saving my pennies for one of those…
Sadly, I’m not due for an upgrade for another year and a half.
It’s going to be a looooong wait. I don’t do patience well.
CJ -
Oh my god . . . if I lost my iPhone, I would also feel like I lost a limb.
Your poor poor husband. He must feel like shit.
That is such a huge bummer.
A year and a half is so very very long.
I don’t patience well either.
That sucks.
Poor guy. He feels like such a jerk, but it was an accident…what can you do?
It is SUCH a long time.
Sigh.
He offered to go out and get me another one right away, but we just can’t afford it. My deceased one was a gift from his parents as it is…
I’ve always wanted an iPhone. My cell is just a basic phone, and I don’t have a laptop, so my iTouch was amazing to me. Hopefully the time will go by fast?
To buy it retail is RIIII-Dic!
Even with the upgrade it’s $300…yikes.
Wish me luck!
Poor husband.
Sigh.
I hate when there is no one to blame.
Hmmph.